Ask Me Help Desk - Am I a mistress now?

I am in a strange situation & have tried to find info every where about but to no luck. So I hope someone can perhaps give me their insight on it. Here goes.
I was engaged to a man I had been in a relationship with for 3 yrs. He was 34 & I was 37 at the time, I am 42 & he's 39 now. A old girlfriend from when he was 16 kept popping up at places we were, writing him letters etc. She came back after 18 yrs. Basically you could call it "stalking" him. She was aware of me & yet continued with the behavior throughout the entire time he & I were together. So as one can imagine I often questioned as to why she was so persistent in the continuous attempts in contacting him.
Well at one point he had said he was going to meet up with her & tell her to leave him/us alone; he ended up sleeping with her instead. I didn't find out about it until 2 yrs later and very much involved with him. After finding out what he had done things took a turn for the worst for the relationship. I was angry because he had taken away my right to chose my path if had I had known about the one-night stand I would have probably left him then. But the damage was done either way & we ended up breaking up. Since that time we have had on - off again moments. But in the meanwhile he started a relationship with her and in fact just married her about 3 months ago.
Here's the weird part he showed up at my home a month to the day of his wedding expecting a " Booty Call". I didn't allow anything to happen but he still keeps showing up & calling. He has told me he never should have married her and wants I/ him to carry on as though he never married her. He says he still loves me always has. He is looking into the procedures needed for a divorce. I love this man with everything I have and always have. I will not act on my deep love for him for he is married now but I find myself so confused. I just don't know what I should do. I was in a relationship with him prior to his marriage up until about 2 months. If he & I start something does that make me the mistress? When responding do not criticize me for what I am asking. I have been through enough. Should I just tell him to go fly a kite or should I leave things as they are and see where they go? Help!

Yeah, sadly you'd be a mistress. You're situation sounds crappy and I'm sorry you have to go through that.

I know you love this person more than anything... but you need to love yourself more. He sounds like he's pretty screwed up. We all like to think that as people get older they grow past this stuff.. but sadly this isn't always the case.

Pack your emotions up and move on. Let him deal with his demons.

That would make you a mistress, and more then that I think you know this is a mistake. It's not a mistake that you love him though. He's a player and he's played on your emotions as opposed to support them, which is what a real man does. He's used you against his wife and now he's using her against you. The real villain here is not you at all, it's him. It's one thing to get used by someone, it's another to allow them and know it at the same time. You know it and your strong enough to stop it. Give yourself permission to do it.

Well you should tell him to do something with the kite, but maybe not fly it,

You don't talk to him, you don't answer his calls, don't read his email.

If he is looking into a divorce? He hires an attorney and files, he moves out of the house with her and stops being married

I don’t like what I am hearing; first you are with him for three years…she kept popping into your relationship. He said he was going to tell her to leave him alone and slept with her instead…then two years later the skeleton falls out of the closet…you guys break up and out of rebound he marries this girl that broke your relationship up in the first place. Then he comes back to you for sex while married, making him a cheating boyfriend/fiancé/husband all in one between two women.

I know it sounds bad when I say this but I have no remorse for the other girl at all…she had it coming when she pursued him while he was with you in the first place. Secondly, he is playing both of you…he “sounds” confused but he isn’t. I think he knows exactly what he is doing, bottom line is he can’t have you both; he needs to decide – pending of course if that option is open with you. Sure he tells you he is filing for divorce and wants a life with you but the question is do you honestly want a life with him (Knowing that the possibility of infidelity is great and the likelihood of him doing the same thing to you)? Do you think he will honestly leave her or try to see how long he can get what he wants out of you? Do you believe that his love for you is mutual? If he had any respect for you he would not behave the way he does. For him to say that he wants to continue a relationship with you as if he never married her at all or had sex with her for that matter evidences to me that he really doesn’t care and feels as though there are no consequences for his actions.

If you are with him emotionally and/or physically then yes, you would be a mistress – you should stop seeing him. I know you love him but love yourself more and don’t be subjected or swayed to him. This will hurt you more then anything…if you really want to get even (though I know vengeance is not recommended – this is just my mean streak), call his wife and tell him what her hubby is doing (since I don’t believe he has genuine feelings for her either)…you where a victim of his as well, no point in both of you getting hurt.

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I was in a relationship with him prior to his marriage up until about 2 months

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I know he cheated on you, and you broke up, GOOD MOVE!!

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If he & I start something does that make me the mistress?

Yes it would, and you would be helping him cheat on someone else the way he did you, even though she helped him cheat on you, but only one of you can be a mistress and she had her turn so its yours.

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when responding do not criticize me for what I am asking. I have been through enough.

Yeah all that cheating does confuse things doesn't;t it, that's why you don't know if you would be a mistress or booty call, or friend with benefit. Geez, I'm confused what you are really. You may be all of the above but you ain't loved for sure.

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Should I just tell him to go fly a kite or should I leave things as they are and see where they go?

No I am confused enough, and so are you. You get yourself a kite and see where that goes, and disappear from his life.

Little Aud, it is bleak when you are a participant... though if you weren't involved in this situation I am sure you would know exactly what to say. I can understand how you feel and I know two wrongs don't make a right so do the right thing and don't do anything that offends the soul. Keep the 2009 resolutions in check!

Best regards,

The one thing you know for sure is that he is a cheating pig. He cheated on you with her and now he is attempting to cheat on his wife with you.

You deserve better and there are a lot better men out there than this one.

I'm willing to bet that if you and he get together there will be a 3rd female on the horizon within 6 months.

The things he's saying to you now, he probably said to her (his current wife) when he was with you.

When you look at him or hear his voice on the phone, keep that in mind.

It's time to go no contact. Let him find another chump.

The same thing he is telling you he has practiced, probably on several other women as well. Love is an easy word to throw around, showing you mean it is an entirely different and complicate thing to do. I don't know how people take marriage so lightly these days.

I thought dating was the time to find out if you are combatible with someone, not marriage. Or maybe I'm doing things in reverse order.

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

I thought dating was the time to find out if you are combatible with someone, not marriage.

"Combatible" instead of compatible is a great typo here. :)

I tend to think it would be great if both the wife and Little Aud dumped this guy and became friends with each other.

My ex cheated on me with a friend of mine (he didn't tell her he was seeing me already) and ruined our friendship, pitting us against one another. After I divorced him, I looked up my friend and we made up and I value our friendship all the more for having overcome this hurdle.

Lol I am glad someone picked up on the mess up there ha ha!

I really don't see the reason behind people cheating, I would think people would have more self respect with themselves than that.