Ask Me Help Desk - What should I think!

I have been married for almost 9 years, and together for 15. My husband could care less about having sex. Yes, I have cought him watching pron and masterbating to it. That hits home a little bit when you have been turn down a lot. I have offerd to jerk him off and/or watch it with him and he just covers up and pretends and I was seeing things. I will be 30 next week and he just turned 32 so ago is not a problem. We both are on meds that make us feel not very sexual but I am trying to keep it up. I enjoy sex very much and he use too. He works in a prison and I do daycare. We have two small kids (6 and 4) so there is some stress in the house. Sex is a big thing that we fight about. I will ask him if he wants to come in the bedroom w/ me and he will tell me that " you have toys, go play w/ them". Sometimes oh a lot of the time he never comes in the room. He is tooooooo busy watching the stupid TV/movie. In a 6 month span sex has happen maybe 4-5 times MAYBE... What should I think about this or him...

I think you need to talk to him and be direct about what you want. You can't really think anything until you talk to him. Tell him you're not satisfied in bed and that you want more

My, A lot of hidden resentments build up over time in many marital relationships/relationships over time. That is probably what has happened here... the first thing to go with hidden resentments is the sex life. Also, bad arguing techniques contribute.

I think you both need to see a couples therapist so you can settle some periferal issues, relieve tension and get back to having some tender feelings for each other.

Let him know that if he doesn't turn his attention to YOU, you'll find someone who will.

Sex is NOT just about the physical release, but about the emotional connection as well.

He needs to make some efforts to connect with you, whether in or out of the bedroom.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Choux

My, A lot of hidden resentments build up over time in many marital relationships/relationships over time. That is probably what has happened here....the first thing to go with hidden resentments is the sex life. Also, bad arguing techniques contribute.

I think you both need to see a couples therapist so you can settle some periferal issues, relieve tension and get back to having some tender feelings for each other.

We have tried the couples therapy and that didn't go over very well. We were giving a book to read and he wouldn't finish it. We really don't fight that much at all. There is a lot of tenson between us. He always tells me that "it's me" I like to have drama in my live..

Play on that then.. if it works to get him involved. Pretend its all you but convince him somehow that he needs to be part of it to help you. Of course the counceller should see through him real quick, but step one is getting him involved. Like kicking alcohol addiction... take it one step at a time.

His attitude is a way of passive-aggressive "fighting"--he is punishing you and won't have sex anymore... Is this sexual relationship recoverable? It may or may not be. He seems to have made a commitment to porn/masturbation, and in fact, he may have led himself into an addiction here.

You may want to talk to a professional about all your options in this situation.

My very best wishes to you, :)

It seems to me he doesn't feel like he sexually pleases you so there's no point in having sex with. Try telling him some stuff to let him know that he does and can sexual please you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by chrissymarie

it seems to me he doesnt feel like he sexually pleases you so theres no point in having sex with. Try telling him some stuff to let him know that he does and can sexual please you.

A couple of times he will offer to get me off, when the kids are in the other room. To me that is not called for. The kids could and have walked in on us. It's not like I don't enjoy him doing that, but I want him!! I have beed rejected sooooo many times by him that I don't really know what to tell him. Sometimes I just want a hug and that turns in to a big deal.

Have you tried telling him how you feel instead of acting on how you feel? Looks like communitcation between the 2 of you is the problem.

Also if he tries ta have sex with you while the kids are there in your room with a closed and locked door away from your kids then you should be willing to have sex. You 2 are married and your children need to understand mommy and daddy need their alone time. You 2 are the grown ups in the household paying all the bills right?

Your children should respect the 2 of you enough not to walk in your room without knocking.

Also I know for a fact a lot of men enjoy the sex more knowing they could get caught or only haing a limited amount of time. It can be very exciting for them.

Here is a point that is rarely mentioned, and rarely stressed enough when it is.

Sometimes its not about what you say but HOW you say it... the right tone, in the right context at the right time will have the opposite effect of the same words at the wrong time or wrong tone.

He's apparently on the defensive right now so its going to take careful thought on your part to implement them. Its clear he's not going to do it.

Your husband does care about having sex or he wouldn't watch and masturbate to porn, he obviously has an interest but maybe has issues performing or there are some underlying and unaddressed issues in the marriage. It is a desire of every man; unless the med's are too much to take and his sex drive is affected. Truth is that when a mans sexual drive is influenced and have a low sex drive they often turn to pornography as an escape, emotional/stress relief and for the duration it does help him but I am sure he does not realize that what he is doing isn't getting rid of his problems and contributing to your resentment to him.

Considering you have offered to watch it with him and participate and he has turned you down indicates to me (as I am in the situation) that he prefers to be alone as it means "no expectations". Now, he turns you down... this is a huge problem to me, not only that but the general intimacy of the marriage is poor (he has issues when all you want is a hug). This indicates to me that maybe he is using this and ignoring you to avoid intimacy. Hiding/avoidance/blame is another indication that it could potentially be an addiction... remember though that addiction to this a symptom of a cause and not the cause... so you will have to get some counseling. I know you said you tried but maybe you got the wrong help (or the counselor was unsuitable in some way) and need to find someone who can help.

It also sounds like there is a lot of strain on the marriage from work (since you two work on different extremes when it comes to line of work) and children... we all know how much they change the sex life. Some time spent away from the kids (at least a hour away from the kids) on a weekly basis for you two to reconnect would not be a bad idea... get a babysitter - have fun.

You are in all probability entering a sexual stage in your life and using the toys helps but it doesn't fill the void (I know what you mean) but maybe that may have to do until you both work out the basic intimacy issues... one step at a time. If your fighting about sex, I was there too... this is worsening the situation (pushing him into a corner and him sticking his head in the ground - avoiding - building further resentment (you becoming more angry & frustrated) and by all means ignoring it isn't going to help either (he is going without consequence or proper knowledge of how you feel... instead he will hold you to blame for his problem and label you as a cause). It seems as though communication and a lack of respect for eachother's personal sexuality and you will need to change your approach to a more sensitive avenue... it got lost somewhere you just need patience and education to get through this... both of you).

For him to tell you to go and play with your toys is ignorant and evidences to me further that he has some serious issues... you are making attempt to spice it up and regardless of your efforts you are neglected and he could care less about how you feel sexually/emotionally. I think you should read up or Google sexual addictions and get some insight... this will help you find the signs and relate (or not) to what you are dealing with. When you have identified what the issue is (if in fact he has an addiction or not and if so, what could be the underlying factors), make a list and what you can do to help yourself (not him; yourself). You will discover that you will need someone to help... go for counseling again... infrequent sex, neglect, emotional insecurity, stress (external), stress (as a direct result of intimacy and arguments about intimacy) and personal factors/contributions are all indications of a POSSIBLE addiction as a result of marital problems (communication). Everything needs balance.

One more note, I know you find it inappropriate that he offers you assistance when the kids are in the other room but... shut the door and get some escape for a few minutes... don't turn him down... guys like spontaneous stuff... as long as the children are not in the room and you keep it down; I don't see a problem for a 15 minutes.

If he was giving you the intimicy then I wouldn't label it a problem but you are completely neglected by the sound of it. This is much harder for you then it is for him and only being a woman... you could understand... be strong and patient. Will he go in for additional help? How is he interacting with the kids?

Quote:

Originally Posted by chrissymarie

Have you tried telling him how you feel instead of acting on how you feel? Looks like communitcation beteen the 2 of you is the problem.

Also if he tries ta have sex with you while the kids are there in your room with a closed and locked door away from your kids then you should be willing to have sex. You 2 are married and your children need to understand mommy and daddy need their alone time. You 2 are the grown ups in the household paying all the bills right?

Your children should respect the 2 of you enough not to walk in your room without knocking.

Also I know for a fact alot of men enjoy the sex more knowing they could get caught or only haing a limited amount of time. It can be very exciting for them.

I have told him and that is when he has told me to go play w/ my toys... We have locked the door and the kids what to know that is going on. They are 6 and 4 years old. It's not sex that he is trying to have. All he wants to do is get me off, well I have no problem w/ that but that really just gets me wanting him more and he could care less. He will walk out of the room and sit down to watch a movie. That hurts a little. I would have sex with him anytime he would like. I trying talking to him just last night and he got all mad. I told him that I have started writing to this and he told me that that was stupid. I asked him if he wanted to read it and he said No and rolled his eyes...

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxaprilwine

Your husband does care about having sex or he wouldn't watch and masturbate to porn, he obviously has an interest but maybe has issues performing or there are some underlying and unaddressed issues in the marriage. It is a desire of every man; unless the med's are too much to take and his sex drive is affected. Truth is that when a mans sexual drive is influenced and have a low sex drive they often turn to pornography as an escape, emotional/stress relief and for the duration it does help him but I am sure he does not realize that what he is doing isn't getting rid of his problems and contributing to your resentment to him.

Considering you have offered to watch it with him and participate and he has turned you down indicates to me (as I am in the situation) that he prefers to be alone as it means "no expectations". Now, he turns you down...this is a huge problem to me, not only that but the general intimacy of the marriage is poor (he has issues when all you want is a hug). This indicates to me that maybe he is using this and ignoring you to avoid intimacy. Hiding/avoidance/blame is another indication that it could potentially be an addiction...remember though that addiction to this a symptom of a cause and not the cause...so you will have to get some counseling. I know you said you tried but maybe you got the wrong help (or the counselor was unsuitable in some way) and need to find someone who can help.

It also sounds like there is a lot of strain on the marriage from work (since you two work on different extremes when it comes to line of work) and children...we all know how much they change the sex life. Some time spent away from the kids (at least a hour away from the kids) on a weekly basis for you two to reconnect would not be a bad idea...get a babysitter - have fun.

You are in all probability entering a sexual stage in your life and using the toys helps but it doesn't fill the void (I know what you mean) but maybe that may have to do until you both work out the basic intimacy issues....one step at a time. If your fighting about sex, I was there too...this is worsening the situation (pushing him into a corner and him sticking his head in the ground - avoiding - building further resentment (you becoming more angry & frustrated) and by all means ignoring it isn't going to help either (he is going without consequence or proper knowledge of how you feel...instead he will hold you to blame for his problem and label you as a cause). It seems as though communication and a lack of respect for eachother's personal sexuality and you will need to change your approach to a more sensitive avenue...it got lost somewhere you just need patience and education to get through this...both of you).

For him to tell you to go and play with your toys is ignorant and evidences to me further that he has some serious issues...you are making attempt to spice it up and regardless of your efforts you are neglected and he could care less about how you feel sexually/emotionally. I think you should read up or Google sexual addictions and get some insight...this will help you find the signs and relate (or not) to what you are dealing with. When you have identified what the issue is (if in fact he has an addiction or not and if so, what could be the underlying factors), make a list and what you can do to help yourself (not him; yourself). You will discover that you will need someone to help...go for counseling again...infrequent sex, neglect, emotional insecurity, stress (external), stress (as a direct result of intimacy and arguments about intimacy) and personal factors/contributions are all indications of a POSSIBLE addiction as a result of marital problems (communication). Everything needs balance.

One more note, I know you find it inappropriate that he offers you assistance when the kids are in the other room but...shut the door and get some escape for a few minutes...don't turn him down...guys like spontaneous stuff...as long as the children are not in the room and you keep it down; I don't see a problem for a 15 minutes.

If he was giving you the intimicy then I wouldn't label it a problem but you are completely neglected by the sound of it. This is much harder for you then it is for him and only being a woman...you could understand...be strong and patient. Will he go in for additional help? How is he interacting with the kids?

He is a good father, I have to kick him in the butt and sound like a a lot. I have to get him to help w/ spelling words and read books. He seems to think that his jobs are outside w/ the kids and mine are inside w/ the kids... I am sorry but I think that that is so WRONG and I tell him that. I didn't make them by myself. He is better now that our oldest is having a hard time in school ( I don't want that to sound bad but he is having some prblems) Every night we take turns w/ spelling and reading. As for before I was doing it all and he would just sit in his chair and watch TV or a movie. If I would ask him to help I would hear " yeah because I don't do anything all day long, and you (meaning me) doing it all.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mymama

He is a good father, I have to kick him in the butt and sound like a alot. I have to get him to help w/ spelling words and read books. He seems to think that his jobs are outside w/ the kids and mine are inside w/ the kids...I am sorry but I think that that is so WRONG and I tell him that. I didn't make them by myself. He is better now that our oldest is having a hard time in school ( I don't want that to sound bad but he is having some prblems) Every night we take turns w/ spelling and reading. As for before I was doing it all and he would just sit in his chair and watch tv or a movie. If I would ask him to help I would hear " yeh because I don't do anything all day long, and you (meaning me) doing it all.

I agree... it takes two to make the children. I am at home right now so I don't pressure mine a lot... but I do need breaks too and just cause he works; it does not excuse him from his role as a father. But, I don't really have complaints at the moment. Your mans response with regards to the kids... "yea because I don't do anything all day long, and your doing it all" is unacceptable. He sounds a bit lazy and having issue interacting in general. Does he go out or have any guy friends? It is definitely communication, intimacy and sex that is the issue... he needs to be advised that his behavior is not productive, consistent or admirable in any way.