My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years, living together for 2 and he sat me down about two months ago to let me know he's been cheating on me. He said they were friends from school and it went too far. It bothers me to know that even though they were friends at first, they were doing things that I should have been doing with him, like going out with other friends to the clubs, doing dinner and whatever. I am extremely close with his family and the other way around, but some of his family members knew what he was doing and never told me! He begged for me back and we are trying right now, but about 2 weeks after this all went down I found out he was talking to her still. He changed his number and all that but I keep thinking, he can still get a hold of her if he really wanted to and she is always around because she works for the same company as him and her friends are his friends. Will I ever get passed this part, will he ever really change? Can guys change? I would love to hear from some guys who have messed up before and have honestly realized what they did and changed for the better.

I guess the questions I would ask-

Do you buy what this guy is telling you ?

Do you think your boyfriend can be the person you want him to be ?

I am sorry to hear of your pain learning that your boyfriend has been cheating on you.

Sometimes people can get over what has happened and make up and have a stronger relationship, but the big question is do you really deep down inside yourself really want to stay with this guy.

This guy has done the dirty on you so if you want to kick him to the kerb that is his bad luck.

I find his motive weird - he gets caught cheating and still carrys on talking to the bit on the side - Sorry to be blunt I would have ended it then.

I do think people can change in time, but only if they really want to - just because we want someone to change does not mean that they will.

Do guys change? Yes, but only if there is some MASSIVE reason to do so. They seldom, if ever, do so "just because". Seldom because someone else has been hurt.

He begged your forgiveness and for you to take him back. Ok. You did that. But what did it cost him? What reason did he have to change anything? If you're a normal girl, you probably did little outside of some "guilt" words, which don't work on guys. We don't change out of guilt. We change out of NECESSITY.

So, if the only thing that has changed as a result of all this is that YOU no longer trust him, if life is the same for him, well... you have no reason to trust him. He has already taken your seven-year relationship and declared it "not enough" by cheating. Right? He did that.

So your issue isn't one of forgiveness or trust. Your issue is one of accountability. How much did YOU require of him in the accountability department? Pretty much the sky is the limit here when he's "begging to be taken back". This level of watch-dogging should last for months... years... he should willingly accept that.

You should forgive, you should not forget. You should implement SEVERE checks and balances and he should know DAILY that the cost will be the end of your relationship. Anything less is... well... pointless.

Also, 7 years is MORE than enough time to know if you're ready for a life commitment. And the answer needs to be "Absolutely!!" from both sides. If it's not... even after 2 years, you need to be mature enough to part as friends and get back to looking for a life mate.

Playing house for years is just that... "playing". You shouldn't do that with the only life you have.

Guys can change. I also give him a ton of credit because he could have just continued the lie, so I do think he really does feel guilty about it. Those other people in his family who knew you can not be mad at. It's not right, but it's not there job to get involved.

Now, all that being said, I think you should dump him. The reason I say that is, you don't trust him, and if you don't have trust then love is not going to be able to carry the that part of the load of the relationship. You are starting to get to the point where you are now questioning everything which is taking over your mind. That's not healthy, and it's not where you need to be for a good life. Relationships are should add value to your life, this one is taking it from you.

Sure, guys can change. Whether yours will is a different story but I doubt it. He got away with it for sometime and the only reason you found out was because he told you.

Will you ever get over it? NO! You will not. You might not have it at the front of your mind all the time but every single time he is unreachable etc. etc. etc. you will suspect he is banging her. Also, because all these people that are supposedly so close to you knew and didn't bother saying anything you will have trust issues with them as well.

I saw a movie recently where a husband admitted infidelity to his wife, and she asked an amazing question:

"Why did you tell me? What did you expect to happen as a result? Is this supposed to make me fall in love with you all over again because you're honest?"

On her radio show, Dr Laura once admonished an unfaithful man NOT to unburden his conscience on the head of his wife, since all she would get out of the whole thing is pain, pain and more pain. She told him if he wants to TRULY prove he's sorry, spend the rest of his life insuring his wife feels like the queen she is in his house and protecting her from this horrid truth the rest of her life.

I think I agree with both of these scenarios. Your guy hasn't done you any GOOD telling you what he did. And though you don't indicate it, I would go out on a limb and say he told you as part of some other misdirection about thing(s) he shouldn't be doing/saying that you had cornered him on.

I don't know, it's just odd that a guy would betray you this way then tell you... what does he expect to result from all of this?

The TRUE reason might be he wants you to break up with him, he wants it to be YOU, not him.

If so, I'd give him what he wants. It's a win for both of you.

"Can guys change?" Of course.

"Can women change?" Of course.

There is this little thing called the will - everyone (men and women) has it.

Will an individual change simply because someone expects them to? No.

A person will only change if they are motivated by an internal force to do so.

Bottom line. You only change if you want to. Sounds like he wants to... that's a good step.

Dump the turd, as his action speak louder than words. He confessed his sin, was forgiven, but continues the very action that started the mess.

He ain't feeling bad at all, is he? But how do you feel?? Thats not fair!!!

I like what JB said, he should be treating you like a queen for forgiving him.

To answer your question, with enough motivation, yes, any one can change. Even your guy, if he was motivated enough!

I really doubt I could trust him in your situation.
It doesn't sound like he has given you anything that comforts or confirms that he has changed his ways. Nothing that shows he is going to have more self control and stay away from her. Sure he can have his number changed and then in a weak moment he says to her here is my number or even conveniently does not block his number when he calls her.
Sounds like the 'changes' he has made are smoke and mirrors. He felt guilty and confessed but that doesn't mean he is or will do a complete turn around.

Hey Hey,

How is everyone doing!

I'm going to be completely honest and say I didn't read the post, nor the already responses posted but, I'm going to attempt to answer the question in the title because I feel like I have the answer!

Can Guys Change?

All right. How many times have you heard, everybody say when something goes wrong in a relationship, people change man, it happens everyday, people change, then when you talk about seeing the same person or someone somebody else has already seen they say, they never change man, it's going to be the same nonsense. Very contradictory, huh?

Anyway, I just want to talk about my own personal experience. While I was with my Ex I was simply going through the motions, life was life, work was work, school was school, and I did everything very lazily and just knew what to expect day in and day out, and never realized what else was going on around me in the world.

Ex leaves me, 4.5 years, hey see you kid, anyway... I laid in my bed and stared at the ceiling for hours upon hours thinking what did I do? What happened? Am I going to be miserable forever? Is she going to comeback to me? So, so many questions that didn't have answers. Then I realized what that I could answer all these questions on my own.

In a couple months what I've accomplished is far more superior then the things that I ever could have accomplished while I was still going through the motions, the maturity level that I reached is unbelievable, the things you realize after wards hit you so hard and you were so blinded by it because you thought your life was just a re-run, everything makes you grow up so much, I've got in touch with my family, I've seen my family more in the past couple months then I did in years, I found God and I love that, I wake up and feel like an adult now, so the basic answer I have to your question is... YES! Guys can change, everyone can even women, and of course it can go both ways too.

I hope this helps a little.

Yours Truly,
LCM

It is possible to change, but considering the fact he was still talking to her, this guy does not get it. To be frank, you would be wise to move on.

See, until LifeChangesMan lost his girl, he had no motivation to change anything. Habit is supreme.

But once he TRULY lost something significant, change can occur.

So, I repeat my earlier thesis - Men change in an environment of loss.

I have to agree with everyone else... no matter how much your heart is telling you he won't do it again.. he will
And I believe people can change they do every day and even if your guy changes you will never trust him because you are already playing detective... and without trust nothing else matters because you will never be happy and then it will lead to fights and then it will lead to you dispizing him. Move on before you get hurt even worse!