Ask Me Help Desk - How do I be independent, strong and not so jealous, mad and clingy?

I been with my boyfriend on and off for 3 yrs. Lately the disagreements, arguments and fights is all we been having. With major trust problems. I am just so afraid for getting hurt and sometimes I think "WHAT IF he cheats on me." and would get into this mode and ask him questions - he said I am suspicious, accusing and controlling. In the past I found out some things he that happened (he was talking to a girl) on one occasion which I found out, he said it was nothing and he didn't tell me because I didn't want him to have any girls for friends. Another time this girl called me whom I know trough a mutual friend and he told me she's been sleeping with boyfriend for 6 months... I was shocked while the girl was telling me I linked him on the phone and he ask her "why are u lying, what what I done to who to what to break up my relationship"- I didn't know what to believe I didn't talk to him - he swear to me that he's was never with her. I didn't know who to believe (I also found out from other source that this girl is known to lie). Even since then I been always scared and always want to know where he is and what he doing, who's he with...

I was seeing a psychiatrist to get counseling, he came with me one time cause he wanted to fix our relationship and was begging me to just trust him... and I just get overly jealous and want to know his every more... sometimes I feel like if I don't know what he's doing I am missing out and he wouldn't tell me.

This is the root of our problems, he told me is me and I just have to trust him and be with him or not trust him and leave... we broke up - well he broke up with me about 3 months ago telling me that's I will never change and our relationship is heading no where. I was devastated. I would still call him and he does on without pick up. I taught he was totally over me and he told me he doesn't want to put his self trough this over and over again. He when on and got an account on Facebook which him and I both never agree on while we were together. I just think that Facebook, myspace etc is very distracting.

Anyway I called him yesterday and were were talking, he know I haven't been eating and that I been taking on the break up so hard. In the past when I called him he have been mean to me, always angry and sometimes doesn't pick up his phone. I was surprised he talk to me yesterday. He told me he is ready to COMPROMISED. I was shocked and told me he really can't see his life without me also and he still have a little bit of hope in us. We had a talk and he told me if he want to be with another girl nothing can stop him and if he don't want to be with me nothing can make him stay and if I wanted to be with him I have to be UPSTANDING, understand him and TRUST HIM.

I told him he know lots of girls and I am scared that he will find someone... he told me that I should feel special because he's with me and wants up to be in a healthily relationship with honesty and truth. As he said I told him when we start this relationship I told him "if there is no trust, there is no love" Sometimes If he's at work and I heard a girl in the back ground I ask who's that... and I get mad... if we go out the mall or anywhere he tell me he's scared to look around or if he see someone he knows and say HI I get mad and he's scared to even look around because I will ask him who's look at and how he that that person. He told me I only upset myself and him at the same time and I am doing this to myself.

With the entire conversation that he wants to compromise... I am trying to make myself understand that him having Facebook is not a problem... but I seems not to get it... I just feel like its wrong and he will add girls. I KNOW people are going say I am very insecure which is true... I just want to be more independent and not get so mad. How do I make myself understand that he choose to be with me because he wants to be with me and he wants to give him another try and hope for the best? How do I know he isn't cheating on me? How don't I get so JEALOUS and be mad at every little thing he does? I find myself calling him off the hook and that's what he hated? How do I make him ADORE ME? Because I know he want to be wit him and he didn't he would have been gone rite now.

I am trying not to worry that "WHAT IF he's talking to anther girl/having Facebook Is the end of my world... And when he's out with his friends not to think he's up to anything.. I hate myself sometimes... I also want to make this relationship work but I am scared and afraid... :confused:PLEASE ADVICE ME:confused:...

I am a lot like your boyfriend, I have a lot of friends that are girls, but they stay strictly that. Just like you can have guy friends and know that you are going to stay loyal to your boyfriend and guy can have girl friends and stay loyal his girlfriend as well.

I used to have MAJOR trust issues, which lead me down a long and destructable path of relationships because I had been cheated on in the past. I would plague the relationship by bringing my past into the present. Let me just give you one piece of knowledge that I learned through countless books, counseling sessions and online articles. No matter what you do to try and stop someone from cheating, if they really want to do it, they will find a way.

A relationship will not work if you do not have trust. It's like trying to sail in a sinking ship, it stays afloat awhile but it not going to survive forever.

He also told me I am Smothering him with high-maintenance demands and that's what push him away, that I wants to Lock him down... sometimes I think if he's with his boy he will have 2 much fun and forget me... and I find it hard that he would miss you. He always tell me to give him the opportunity to miss him and when he miss me he would want to spend more time and to just give him his space... if its 2 much to ask for?

Time away from each other is never a bad thing, you both need to live separate lives if you have hopes of being able to work things out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Time away from each other is never a bad thing, you both need to live separate lives if you have hopes of being able to work things out.

I agree with time apart, he always tell me to give him time to miss me and saying to stop smothering him because that's what makes him not want to be with me... but sometimes I feel if I give him time apart will be forget me, what if he get distracted and do something and then realize its me... like the whole Facebook... I don't want him to have an account, he told he its just for friends and I can't tell him what to do... so I was thinking OK if I don't want my guy to be that way and I have to compromise with that and I don't like it... am I settling for less? Or am I being understating?

You just have to be someone he'll always look forward to be with like being sweet, encouraging, supportive and missed because you're not always around. Overly suspicious will make him feel not trustwrothy and eventually resent you. A person will cheat if he want's to cheat. Be it in the presence of your hawk like eyes or not.. . so stop wasting your energy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Be_Strong

I agree with time apart, he always tell me to give him time to miss me and saying to stop smothering him because that's what makes him not want to be with me....but sometimes I feel if I give him time apart will be forget me, what if he get distracted and and do something and then realize its me...like the whole facebook...I don't want him to have an account, he told he its just for friends and I can't tell him what to do...so I was thinking ok if I don't want my guy to be that way and I have to compromise with that and I don't like it...am I settling for less? or am I being understating?

I think you are being unfair. Facebook or no Facebook he could cheat on you whenever he wanted. You have to realise that he can cheat at any given time or place. This is were TRUST comes in. If you don't trust him, then he will eventually get sick of your jealousy and dump you. Better that you work on yourself for a while. Why do you think he will cheat on you? You think you are not worthy of his unconditional love? You think you are that easy to replace? Love yourself honey. If he sees that in you, then he will not take HIS eyes off you.

2 threads merged

As you probably seen my Previous post!

I found out that my boyfriend lie... I can be very snoopy but that's because I have little/no trust in him and he have my reason... situations just as similar happen before.

I got my hands on his phone bill (he didn't kno) and I was looking through... I saw the same # about 5 time in the month... So I decide to called... the #... I did call a girl picked up... he told me he know and they worked together... She's 30.. (way older than my bf) he's 23... She told me he's a nice guy and that they just friends, she have a boyfriend but is having issues and she know (everyone at their work know about me and my bf).

I was curious because I saw he called her (the #) once at Dec 10 and Dec 20 - at 11pm and talked to 27 minutes approx. (During OCT - DEC) Him and I were having problem (technically not together) we got back together roughly in Jan 2009. Him and I been together for 3.5 years though with soooooo many fights, arguments, breakups and misunderstanding, trust issues.. I am always questioning him because of things like this that I don't want to happen.

I ask him if he talk to any other girl other than me he said NO>.. I know he was lying... I ask him if he talk to any one fr work... he Said NO... I ask him if he have anyone # fr work he said NO... I can't keep secret... so I came out blank and told him what I found out, even though she said they're friends.. he still lie to me about talking to her... He said because I get mad if he talks to any girl or have female friends. (I do get mad and I don't want his to have female friends) as I said I have trust issues with him and similar situation happen before... I ALWAYS WANT TO KNO WHERE HE'S AT AND WHAT HE'S DOING... THINKING IF I KNO HE can't OR WON'T do anything... HE ALWAYS get mad and tell me to just trust him and sometime I need to give him his space.

NOW... he's saying - OK what you going to do now? GO AHEAD LEAVE... he doesn't care... he still doesn't (I know he would go be with a woman that old) but just the fact that he talk to her and lied to me when I ask... and talk to her even he know I don't like him having female friends...

IS IT OK WHEN U LOVE SOME TO TRY TO AVOID THINGS THEY DISLIKE?

I feel like he doesn't care because he's telling me to just leave him and I will be happier and that all we do is fight.. that I am constantly accusing him and I don't trust him... no understanding that's y he can't talk freely with me... I ask him why didn't he tell me.. HE SAID "TELL U...U JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND THE MEANING OF FRIENDS...FOR GODSAKE, SHE KNOW THAT I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND....she even told u on the phone that she kno he have a girl..and that she have a bf also"

OH when I ask if why did he lie when he told me he don't talk to anyone fr his workplace he said because he know how I get... he know it unnecessary drama and don't want to get me upset. He said I am the reason why he didn't tell me because I AM NOT UNDERSTANDING...

Right now my girlfriends are tell me to walk away.. Is hard though... do I CALL... WILL HE CALL?

WAT DO I DO?? PLEASE ADVICE

I realise you may be under distress, but grammar kind of makes it easier to understand the story. It took me a while to read that, sorry, I got confused by it. Any who here is what you may want to do.

Try to Love yourself, see you're inner/outer beauty, forgive yourself (makes it possible to forgive others.) and last but not least find yourself.

You are very insecure arent' you? If you can't trust yourself to stick up for yourself, then why would you trust any one.

Try to help yourself get to where you want to be as an independent women. That way you won't be willing to put up with some one who hurts you.

Peace be with you.

Wow I think the question is WHAT ARE YOU DOING? From what I got in this post it sounds like you guys are just incompatible... If you have no trust you don't have a relationship, just someone who you happen to fight with A lot. You don't like his lying but maybe it's because your being controlling? Asking him to have NO friends that are women is a little insecure I'm not trying to belittle you or anything of the sort, but you just asked him to cut contact with 50% of the given population of the world. Do you not find that a little extreme? It seems like to me you just need to work on your trust issues if you guys want this to go ANYWHERE. Remember no trust, no giving him the benefit of the dought is only giving your guys relationship a breeding groud of insecurity and giving him reasons to lie so he can avoid getting in trouble for only living his life. If you don't like the fact that he has friends of the opposite sex I think the responsible thing to do is to just cut off the relationship.

Your girlfriends are right. Leave him alone and work on yourself as you have many issues to deal with, and he seems to bring out the very worst in you. Yes, its very hard to let go, but this relationship is to poisoned to survive so let it die.

Learn to love yourself and trust yourself, or any relationship you have will not be healthy for you.

Sorry for your loss, but its for the best, as you are way to wrapped up in the negatives, for any good to come of this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SimpleguyJoe

Wow I think the question is WHAT ARE YOU DOING? From what I got in this post it sounds like you guys are just incompatable... If you have no trust you dont have a relationship, just someone who you happen to fight with ALOT. You dont like his lying but maybe it's because your being controlling? Asking him to have NO friends that are women is a little insecure im not trying to belittle you or anything of the sort, but you just asked him to cut contact with 50% of the given population of the world. Do you not find that a little extreme? It seems like to me you just need to work on your trust issues if you guys want this to go ANYWHERE. Remember no trust, no giving him the benifit of the dought is only giving your guys relationship a breeding groud of insecurity and giving him reasons to lie so he can avoid getting in trouble for only living his life. If you dont like the fact that he has friends of the opposite sex I think the responsible thing to do is to just cut off the relationship.

Thank you for your advice and sorry about the grammatical errors. Is it OK for guys to have female girl friend and call them in the odd times? We are very incompatible and I am very insecurit... I want to be independent but its because of all the name calling, all the harsh words. I don't know if I want to leave or stay. I am just confused but whenever we do talk I always bring up the topic and he would tell me and he start screaming top of his lungs telling me to just be understanding and trust him that I don't even what him to have friends? Then again it come with trust and I really want to trust him but I am scared WHAT IF HE'S IS OR WILL CHEAT ON ME!!

But wit all of this GOING ON... He told me he give it the end of his yr or less for our relationship to just be completely over... He doesn't seem like he's interesting me me anymore... How do I know that he really love and care for me? IS THERE A WAY TO KNOW THAT?

First thing I am going to say, no matter what you do in a relationship, if someone wants to cheat then they are going to. Where there is a will there is a way. It's a fact of life and nothing you can do to prevent it except give the best to the relationship you can.

Love is like sand, cup it gently and it will stay in your hand. But hold it too tight and it shall slip through your fingers

Quote:

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

First thing I am going to say, no matter what you do in a relationship, if someone wants to cheat then they are going to. Where there is a will there is a way. It's a fact of life and nothing you can do to prevent it except give the best to the relationship you can.

Love is like sand, cup it gently and it will stay in your hand. but hold it too tight and it shall slip through your fingers

Romefalls, Thank you! I guess I was just going about the wrong way and trying to find and investigate, dip up and snooping around to find and looking for anything... I am just not living... I always want to check up and keep 24/7 tap checkup on him... and as u said that is wrong??

So everything I do... but always want to know where he at and what he's doing... is pushing him away??

Yep, it will push him away faster than anything else in a relationship aside from actually cheating.

Of course, checking up on him 24/7 is wrong.

Some people have faith in GOD, others in GODS, others in "our mother earth", others science, truth, reason, and so on.

But before you can really have faith in them, you have to have faith in yourself. If you're not capable, then why bother trying. Try to remember, you are capable.

Even if you and him split, there will be others to love. And though it may seem that he is all you want (though you sound unsure of that.) don't forget that you have not met all the people in the world. You never know when/where/why/how/what you will meet in the future.

Remember the past, live in the present, and be mindful of the future.

I hope that helps. You are in control of yourself, no one else, so let them deal with their issues and find away to deal with yours.

Peace be with you.

There is some really great advice in this thread, try to really take it to heart if you want to make an improvement in your life.