Hi,

My girlfriend and I have been together just over 2 months now. I'm 23, she's 21. We've both had our fair share of bad relationships and she said to me several times I'm the first decent guy she's ever met.

Normally I wouldn't allow it to happen, but I fell in love with her big time. She's perfect for me - we have so much in common, we've been really, really happy together.

The other night she bumped into a friend of hers. Her mum found out, went mental - now I understand why. She had feelings for this guy before she met me, she told me when we got together and I told her that it was okay, because she was dating me and people do have feelings for others. It's natural. That night he told her he's realised what he's been missing, and it's sent her into a whirlwind of confusion.

She said when she was telling me about her feelings for him right at the start that she thinks he was on the edge of asking her out so I don't see why she should be surprised at his feelings. But today she's also told me that she might not have been as happy as she made out, and she said she loved me but wasn't sure if she meant it.

I've told her that we need to talk about this - face to face - and work through everything. There's no point in running away. But having been through similar situations before I think I'm losing her and I don't know what to do.

I don't want to lose her; she is truly amazing - just recently she even spent a packet on theatre tickets for me and her and that's something nobody has ever done for me before.

Can anyone suggest what I can do or say to her? I've asked a couple of my friends and they've said they want to tell her how stupid she's being for even thinking about it.

Sorry for the long-winded post, just thought after reading a few other posts it might be better to explain everything.

Thanks.

I am not sure there is a whole lot you can do. You cannot change the way she feels about this guy, and to be honest, you were the consolation prize since, at the time, this guy didn't want her when she wanted him. The mere fact that she is thinking hard about leaving you for him is a red flag to me, and to be honest, two months is not a long time to date, and I have a hard time believing you are truly in love with her after only two months.

She isn't something you can win over, in my opinion. She obviously has some things she needs to work out, and all of your efforts and all of your emotions will not change how she feels. Be yourself and don't try to change how she feels, as I sadly think, she will make her own mind up in the end.

Got to say first, that you are deeper in this than she is, and that's not a good position to be in, and the ex being in the picture. Okay, try this, instead of seeing this as losing her, see it as learning new things about her, that you needed to know, like she isn't feeling as you do, and may choose to date the ex again.

Protect yourself, and don't compete with the ex, as why should you? Make up your own mind, and don't depend on her at all to make a choice for you.

Just me, after only 60 days of dating, my head would be that far gone, and if she is still talking, and being confused by an ex, I am out of there without fanfare, or explanation, by slowly cutting down contact, and removing my emotional attachment.

Your holding on to something your just learning about, and ignoring the big red flag waving right in your face, her ex wants her back, and she is listening.

Let her make her own choices without your influence, and don't base your options on her confused feelings, high expectations, or false hope by you.

Stand up for yourself, and don't let that sweet thang, play with your heart.

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Originally Posted by kctiger

The mere fact that she is thinking hard about leaving you for him is a red flag to me

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Thing is though after telling me about maybe not being as happy as she made out or not really meaning it when she said she loved me, it's leading me to think that him saying what he said has just prompted her to do this and she's not planning to leave me for him. She's said before she hates certain things about him, so I can't see why she'd pursue a relationship with him?

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Originally Posted by kctiger

and to be honest, two months is not a long time to date, and I have a hard time believing you are truly in love with her after only two months.

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I feel I am - I've only felt this way about one other person and she was something special. If she's not then fair enough, but it's something that comes with time and I'd really like to put that point across to her.

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Originally Posted by kctiger

She isn't something you can win over, in my opinion. She obviously has some things she needs to work out, and all of your efforts and all of your emotions will not change how she feels. Be yourself and don't try to change how she feels, as I sadly think, she will make her own mind up in the end.

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I'm trying to give her space to think about things but all the while I'm thinking if I don't do or say something I really am going to lose her. I told her we should talk face to face but haven't said when so as not to push her into anything.

I don't understand how something so amazing can fall to pieces in the space of hours. The back of my mind, I guess, is prepared for it to end, but the rest of me doesn't want it to. We were planning to go away for Valentines weekend as well, we only talked about it yesterday and I suggested a couple of places to go, was going to book it all this week too.

It just seems illogical and I'd love to just be able to take her hand and make it all okay again.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Got to say first, that you are deeper in this than she is, and thats not a good position to be in

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I thought she felt the same way to be honest, I never had any flags to say otherwise and that's partly why I'm so confused and hurt at the moment.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

and the ex being in the picture

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He's not really an ex - sorry for the confusion. They've been friends for a while, and she developed feelings for him, but there is no past history between them.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Make up your own mind, and don't depend on her at all to make a choice for you.

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My choice and my mind remains with being with her - after all we've had a good time and I'd really like that to continue. I know I don't have much of a choice if she goes the other way but that's what I want.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Stand up for yourself, and don't let that sweet thang, play with your heart.

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Trying my best! I do really want to be with her though so it's kind of like catch-22 I guess.

Thing is I was in exactly the same situation - there's a girl I liked and she liked me but she wasn't ready for a boyfriend until after I met my girlfriend. She told me she was now ready and that she wanted to be with me but I said no. I even told my girlfriend as we've always told each other everything. I'm only interested in being with one girl and right now it's the girl I'm with.

Thanks for the words and advice - I'll try and take the learning new things comment on board and hope it helps, in one way or another.

Okay so it's nothing to do with this guy. I asked her to talk to me and she replied by text:

Fine you want honesty I'm bored I don't go out clubbing or drinking that much anymore I don't go because you don't drink and I'm getting bored is that honest enough for you?

I've told her that it's something we can work through - I hope it is. I don't want to lose what we have. I take her out every time I see her and we had a great time at her friend's house - I'm not stopping her from doing things she wants and I said I'd go clubbing with her.

Duuude!

We can work this out? Hell man. This women is not worth! The effort! Geeez!

Look it is about the other guy simple as that. And you know. She is trying to make this out to be YOUR FAULT!
You don't drink so she don't go out

Oh give me a break!
What a weak pansy reply to a relationship is that. I mean really,
She is trying to trun this round on you.

This has nothing to do with YOU
Its got to do with her wanting to try the other guy out.

So you tell her. Fine that's its. No more.
And cut her from your life
If after 2 months she feels like this

She is not the perfect girl for you.
In fact by no means is anyone perfect!

Good luck man
Lose the girl

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Originally Posted by TrueFaith

she is not the perfect girl for you.
infact by no means is anyone perfect!

good luck man
lose the girl

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Thanks, I'll see what she says to it though. Something's holding me back from saying goodbye - I just can't do it.

The girl I was talking about earlier is telling me to get rid but ultimately I think that's so she can date me. Problem there being I don't want to be on the rebound nor do I want anyone to feel like they're choice 2.

I read in another post on here that going out dating straight away after someone breaking up with you was good in a way if you want that person back but I don't see it. What are your thoughts on it? I don't even feel right thinking about it. I just want things to be all right the way they were. :(

Well, I hoped that I could turn the tables and perhaps get her to think properly about what she's doing - but she wouldn't listen and wouldn't let me see her to talk to her. I have to face losing her and I didn't want to.

I wish this was easier :(

Thanks for all your advice and comments.

Well, at least you came to the right place. We have all been there and will be glad to help you get through this.

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Originally Posted by imnotdoneyet

Well, I hoped that I could turn the tables and perhaps get her to think properly about what she's doing - but she wouldn't listen and wouldn't let me see her to talk to her. I have to face losing her and I didn't want to.

I wish this was easier :(

Thanks for all your advice and comments.

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Hi I am very sorry to hear the pain you are in but dude this is a bad relationship.

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I hoped that I could turn the tables and perhaps get her to think properly

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I hate to be blunt but she knows 100% what she is doing and what she wants. It is hard to put this but she has moved on and you need to do the same.

You won't want to hear this, but you need to go No Contact straight away -

Stop with any form of texts, going to her house, ims you name it STOP it straight away. You are making yourself look very needy and that will send her running to the hills or the police.

It sounds like she got with you on the rebound, you see more to this relationship than she does.

Let her go, you may not see it right now but she is not the one for you - if she was you would not be feeling the way you are now -

One of the reasons you go slow, and have fun getting to know another, is to see how well you get on, and work together, and this sounds like the fun is gone.

It's a lot of strain here, and she wants something else. Obviously you are more attached than she is, and probably would do better to re-evaluate your emotional investment pronto. She doesn't feel the same, and doesn't seem like working with you to fix things either.

Look, I understand how you think it can be fixed, and want to try, but we can't fix peoples feelings, and we must protect ourselves by letting go, or at least pulling back our emotions somewhat.

Hard as it is, be ready to move on, and remember the lesson of moving to fast, with too much. That gives you better options in case you see to many red flags, and protects your own heart, so you can see others without carrying the misery, and pain of a past dating experience, to the next one.

The good news is, should you decide to let her go, the healing process is at your own pace, as your not looking to replace what you had, but start a whole new adventure. Should you date others, have fun getting to know them, and don't see them as the one without thoroughly learning a lot more about them, before you let them feelings get in the way of good common sense.

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Originally Posted by kctiger

Well, at least you came to the right place. We have all been there and will be glad to help you get through this.

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Thanks. I think she's majorly confused - I'm really honestly not sure if the guy, the being bored... was all excuses. I'm wondering whether she just wanted her mother off her back as her mother's quite controlling? I'm not looking for reasons to hang on but just thinking about something she said about her last long-term boyfriend:

We split up then got together again, but we split up because my mum kept interfering.

A couple of people have said maybe it's her mother, and I thought it was rather odd when she messaged me on MSN Messenger and allowed me to not only see her on webcam, but she wanted to see me too.

I asked her if she wanted her feelings for me to go away, she said "I don't know".

Is there still something there and she just wants a bit of space? Nonetheless, I've told her how I feel. I told her that I'd want her back but held back from saying I'd wait for her.

I just hope that she changes her mind - it would be nice to wake up tomorrow to find this was all a bad dream but I know I won't. :(

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Originally Posted by talaniman

One of the reasons you go slow, and have fun getting to know another, is to see how well you get on, and work together, and this sounds like the fun is gone.

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I would love to agree as it would no doubt make things a bit easier for me to jump over the hurdle. But there was so much fun there and a large flame still burned - we'd see each other every weekend, sometimes during the week one evening, and we'd go out somewhere, several different places. We were planning to go away for Valentines, we were looking forward to spending the weekend at mine together in a couple of weeks. We had so many different ideas to look forward to and every time we saw each other, we'd do one of them.

It's just not fair that it's been cut short when there was still so much more. We probably did move too fast but you can slow it down, if you talk to each other. It just seemed it was the only thing she didn't talk to me about, because she told me everything else :(

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Originally Posted by ja77

You won't want to hear this, but you need to go No Contact straight away -

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I'll try but I don't think I'll be able to do it - even though she's hurt me like this I still care for her very much and I find it hard to shut out people I care about. But I'll try.

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I asked her if she wanted her feelings for me to go away, she said "I don't know".

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She wants you to hang around , but not in a romantic way. She can't just say it like that because then you would lose hope and move away from her.

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Is there still something there and she just wants a bit of space?

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Yes but its you being a willing friend in case nothing better comes along. ( forget the mother excuse )

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Nonetheless, I've told her how I feel. I told her that I'd want her back but held back from saying I'd wait for her.

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Good leave her alone and save the confusion and stop talking to her. I guarantee, the more talk the more confusion, and she ain't coming back. If she does, you will regret it.

Sorry guy.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Good leave her alone and save the confusion and stop talking to her. I guarantee, the more talk the more confusion, and she ain't coming back. If she does, you will regret it.

Sorry guy.

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The words I don't want to hear :( It would be so nice if things were different. Grr why can't the world be a nicer place!!