Ask Me Help Desk - Pregnant confused left alone!

Long story but my partner and I have been together for 19 months we already have one baby together. I got pregnant straight away and he stood by me, we have had our problems and slowly over time fallen in love. I have never rushed him I have always sat back and let him make his own decisions. Been arguing a bit lately not more than usual and at christmas he proposed. I told him I might be pregnant and since he went weird. We have just got a gorgeous new house together he was excited about it till just 4 days ago now he does not want to move in and he is now saying he does not love me at all. I don't believe him I see the hurt in his eyes when he says it- Like he is pushing me away so much.The pregnancy was not planned I actually have an IUD fitted. He blamed me saying I should have made him wear condoms. I know he is shocked.Our first baby he said he would not forgive me if I had a termination yet this one he has asked me to have one. Im not! Its my baby and its in there now. He hasn't even said if he will be there for me. Im so confused he said the other day lets move in get married this year and have another addition! So the addition is a litte early but I don't get it :( I can't stop crying I feel really hurt and alone. Everything is a mess. Will he change his mind and do I fight for our family or do I move on and leave him be. I know I won't forgive him he wants to come back later! He said the baby is not a reason to stay together but I didn't really know he was unhappy before-he's an old fashioned type of guy and would not of asked me to marry him if he really didn't mean it but now he is saying he didn't.Ive confided in his mum and she thinks the same as me. What's going and with him anyone been in a similar position?

I believe you should attempt to calm down. I understand your hurt and confused, but all the stress is not good for the new one. He is probable in shock and a bit scared. After all the house was a big step and addition just added. That's normal for men to push back when they are in such a position. He may need to wrap his head around it all. Give him a little room, but if you love him and think that he really does love you... fight for yours. If you let him just walk away under distress you all may regret it. At least if you try to work it out and it works everyone will be happy and if it doesn't you at least gave it your best and it just couldn't work. You won't go wondering if only I would have...
Seek company of loved ones and friends right now so that your not totally alone. Stay away from negative influences. Good Luck and we'll say a pray for you if you like.

I've been married almost 10 years now together for 11yrs. Ups and downs! They come with any and all relationships. We started close to your situation. We had a few scares along the way and thought about and tried to go separate ways. Ironically, last night we were just saying how we were glad that each of us stood up and fought when the other was down and out the door.

HOLD ON! It's so worth it in the end!

Well he is in two minds.One minute he seems to be dealing with it the next he is really not. Just got a message from him saying that he is moving back in with his parents and that he will now not help furnish the new house. That I already have too much "control" over his life, he does what he wants when he wants. Everyone keeps saying to walk away and to leave him sweat it out but I don't think he will he is not the type! I do love him and I don't want to bring another of our children up alone but I will if need be.I feel so alone and confused right now it's a total shock. So the new addition is a bit sooner than he thought it would be but I don't see the huge problem. He says I have taken his right away of chosing- it was an accident as previously mentioned I had a coil fitted but I already feel attached to the baby and couldn't have an abortion :( I really don't know what to do, get on with my life and hope he comes back into it though I'm not sure I will want him in it if he is out of it for too long. Why should I do all the hard work for him to walk back in. I don't put him under any pressure I've told him to walk away if he wants to. Oh I really don't know :(

Quote:

Originally Posted by confused2781

Long story but my partner and I have been together for 19 months we already have one baby together. I got pregnant straight away and he stood by me, we have had our problems and slowly over time fallen in love. I have never rushed him I have always sat back and let him make his own decisions. Been arguing a bit lately not more than usual and at christmas he proposed. I told him I might be pregnant and since he went wierd. We have just got a gorgeous new house together he was excited about it till just 4 days ago now he does not want to move in and he is now saying he does not love me at all. I dont believe him I see the hurt in his eyes when he says it- Like he is pushing me away so much.The pregnancy was not planned I actually have an IUD fitted. He blamed me saying I should of made him wear condoms. I know he is shocked.Our first baby he said he would not forgive me if I had a termination yet this one he has asked me to have one. Im not! Its my baby and its in there now. He hasnt even said if he will be there for me. Im so confused he said the other day lets move in get married this year and have another addition! so the addition is a litte early but I dont get it :( I can't stop crying I feel really hurt and alone. Everything is a mess. Will he change his mind and do i fight for our family or do i move on and leave him be. I know i wont forgive him he wants to come back later! He said the baby is not a reason to stay together but i didnt really know he was unhappy before-he's an old fashioned type of guy and would not of asked me to marry him if he really didnt mean it but now he is saying he didnt.Ive confided in his mum and she thinks the same as me. Whats going n with him anyone been in a similar position?

Well I think most men go through a state of shock. First time around my husband was great... nervous... didn't know what to expect but was excited. Now after our daughter he understands the concept of children and the amount of work involved around them. I too ended up in a sticky situation... we where renting and got evicted, I was 2 months pregnant with our daughter at the time. We ended up moving with my parents at their request (which he runs a family business with) so it worked out. We functioned as one unit and I had all the support needed which was great. Then I lost my job four months after maternity leave and found a better one... one month later... found out I was pregnant again. Talk about wrong timing, we didn't have a place, we didn't have the room, I just started a new position with a great company... and now I was pregnant! When I told him he was stressed... distant, said that we should abort but he would stand by any decision I made. I was sad, depressed, crying, he stopped making love to me, he snapped at me and became extremely distant. I decided to keep the baby since I couldn't possibly miss out on the beautiful moments my daughter gave me... its another human. Another little person, with his/her soother, sippy cup, blanky and babbels... I was going to go through it no matter what and my parents supported it. My mother said "worse case if he leaves; we will help you". I went into an ultra sound at 20 weeks and found out we where expecting a baby boy... he saw the baby and heard the heartbeat. After the appointment we went for lunch and he had all these plans for our new baby boy... we bought a house and thought about the future of having children only 2 years apart... and agreed that this was it and it couldn't have been possible to have better timing. So, he may be going through the same thing, just get him involved with the pregnancy and keep it positive. You need to stop stressing and focus on you, your pregnancy and your child. Try to stay positive, supporting, understanding and paitent... even if he does go for a while - he will come back... this is his child. Just remember that guys "think" that they are the "providers" financially speaking... my brother makes the same mistake of saying that when referencing men but I always remind him of my career objectives and managing being a stupendous mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister and employee. It's harder being you... sometimes men don't get that "they" are not alone in this.

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Originally Posted by xoxaprilwine

Well I think most men go through a state of shock. First time around my husband was great...nervous...didn't know what to expect but was excited. Now after our daughter he understands the concept of children and the amount of work involved around them. I too ended up in a sticky situation...we where renting and got evicted, I was 2 months pregnant with our daughter at the time. We ended up moving with my parents at their request (which he runs a family business with) so it worked out. We functioned as one unit and I had all the support needed which was great. Then I lost my job four months after maternity leave and found a better one...one month later...found out I was pregnant again. Talk about wrong timing, we didn't have a place, we didn't have the room, I just started a new position with a great company...and now I was pregnant! When I told him he was stressed...distant, said that we should abort but he would stand by any decision I made. I was sad, depressed, crying, he stopped making love to me, he snapped at me and became extremely distant. I decided to keep the baby since I couldn't possibly miss out on the beautiful moments my daughter gave me...its another human. Another little person, with his/her soother, sippy cup, blanky and babbels...I was going to go through it no matter what and my parents supported it. My mother said "worse case if he leaves; we will help you". I went into an ultra sound at 20 weeks and found out we where expecting a baby boy...he saw the baby and heard the heartbeat. After the appointment we went for lunch and he had all these plans for our new baby boy...we bought a house and thought about the future of having children only 2 years apart...and agreed that this was it and it couldn't have been possible to have better timing. So, he may be going through the same thing, just get him involved with the pregnancy and keep it positive. You need to stop stressing and focus on you, your pregnancy and your child. Try to stay positive, supporting, understanding and paitent...even if he does go for a while - he will come back...this is his child. Just remember that guys "think" that they are the "providers" financially speaking...my brother makes the same mistake of saying that when referencing men but I always remind him of my career objectives and managing being a stupendous mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister and employee. It's harder being you...sometimes men don't get that "they" are not alone in this.

Great post.Nice to know others have been in this too. He just sent me a text saying he does not want to hear from me this week and needs space! So I will obviously give it him.Shame he will be missing out on his sons life for a whole week. I know at the end of the week what he will say, just feels like a long brush off! Id rather he just end it now. My family will support me. Always have always will. Im a strong woman. Thing is I forgot to mention I already have 3 children from a previous I've managed with 4 on my own not like I won't manage another, when we met he knew I wanted more kids- I have always wanted 6 have never once given him false impressions. As I said it's a bit early but either he is a man and deals with it or I will do it alone! Thanks for the support xxxxx

You are strong enough to get through this, and you know it. I commend you on being a great person, and no doubtedly, an even better mother. You have something so much more to live for, and his problems and issues are his, not yours. Good luck to you, and I know you will be just fine, as you always have been.

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Originally Posted by confused2781

Great post.Nice to know others have been in this too. He just sent me a text saying he does not want to hear from me this week and needs space! so i will obviously give it him.Shame he will be missing out on his sons life for a whole week. I know at the end of the week what he will say, just feels like a long brush off! Id rather he just end it now. My family will support me. Always have always will. Im a strong woman. Thing is i forgot to mention I already have 3 children from a previous ive managed with 4 on my own not like i wont manage another, when we met he knew i wanted more kids- I have always wanted 6 have never once given him false impressions. as i said its a bit early but either he is a man and deals with it or i will do it alone! thanks for the support xxxxx

I know your giving him space as he desired... which is great for him but you need support and it is sad to see him coward away to such an extent as that. His mother should not let him move back in as it evidences she supports her son and his decision (which we know she does not). If I was his mother I would sit down and have a talk with my son about his responsibilities and that he couldn't bunk to avoid them. Maybe have another discussion with his mom about having a chat with her son. He will need to deal with the situation but leaving is not the answer. I can't believe how much of a beautiful person you are and what mistake he will make if he walks away. How old are your others? How does he interact with them? How long have you two been together?

My other children are 9 4 2 and 9 months, My eldest is autistic- he has been fantastic with them he knew all about them before we got together. My 9 month old is his. I feel like not only has he walked away from me but my kids too. I have done it alone and I will do it alone. Ive told him I think he will regret it if he walks away from us but he says that by me saying that I'm manipulating him into staying with me! I'm not I just honestly believe that. We have been together only 19 months and it is a big deal but I did not make this baby alone. He needs to be a man and step up to the plate together or not!

Quote:

Originally Posted by confused2781

My other children are 9 4 2 and 9 months, My eldest is autistic- he has been fantastic with them he knew all about them before we got together. my 9 month old is his. I feel like not only has he walked away from me but my kids too. I have done it alone and i will do it alone. Ive told him i think he will regret it if he walks away from us but he says that by me saying that im manipulating him into staying with me! im not I just honestly believe that. We have been together only 19 months and it is a big deal but i did not make this baby alone. He needs to be a man and step up to the plate together or not!

He knows he will have to own up to it and he will... if he doesn't you have a lot of avenues to use for the children benefit. It is sad he is walking but maybe we will see what happens in a week or when the child is born. Keep your chin up and if your feeling sad we are here to help. Best of luck with the pregnancy!