Hi,

I don't know how to summarize my sufferings, but let me share few instances with you all and please respond to this, as I desperately need some guidance.

I've been married for 3 years and theses 3 yrs have been agonizing hell for me.

Ours was a love marriage but it was with the involvement of our parents. As soon as I got married my father in law and my sister in law ( my mom in law is no more and this sis in law is 3 yrs younger to me ) started nagging me for almost everything.

They started commenting so much and interfering so much in my life that... they almost instigated me to terminate my pregnancy at 12 weeks. And now they behave as if I did it deliberately and they all loved the baby already... This happened in the 1st year of marriage it has been 2 years ever since and they have not changed at all.

My father inlaw finds flaws in me all the time and my sis in law behaves as if Im someone out of this universe and I don't know a single thing in this world.( she has to poke her nose in everything I do and I should do it according to her taste).

She is the one who decides when should I wake up, what should I do and when should I bath.( it's a different thing I don't obey her so called instructions, but still she has to express her opinion at any cost)

My husband never finds it wrong... he thinks it all normal. They keep instigating my husband against me ( I've myself over heard theit conversations lot many times) but my hubby denies these charges.

My husband is caring towards me but I can't live like this.

For almost the last 1 year I've been living with my mom at her place as she was unwell and she doesn't have anyone else to take care of her apart from me... as I'm her only daughter and my father died while I was a kid only... this had come as a blessing in disguise for me as I got a excuse to stay away from that hell. But this is not a permanent solution, with god's grace she would be fine in another month or so and I would have to go back to that HELL again.

What should I do? My husband has said it upfront that he would not leave his family. He is still OK if I keep staying with my mother and visit his house only on festivals and occasions. But not ready to live separately from his family.
But this would surely tense my mother, as she would guess something is wrong... she doesn't know all the details rite now and neither I want to tell her as she has already suffered 2 heart attacks and would not be able to handle this stress.

Please help me... I'll die of depression it seems.

Thanks,
Thanks for reading my sob story .

This part confuses me: "They started commenting so much and interfering so much in my life that...they almost instigated me to terminate my pregnancy at 12 weeks. and now they behave as if I did it deliberately and they all loved the baby already..."

No one can force you to have an abortion - that I know of.

What country are you in? Do you live with your in-laws? Where is your husband in all of this?

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

This part confuses me: "They started commenting so much and interfering so much in my life that...they almost instigated me to terminate my pregnancy at 12 weeks. and now they behave as if I did it deliberately and they all loved the baby already..."

No one can force you to have an abortion - that I know of.

What country are you in? Do you live with your in-laws? Where is your husband in all of this?

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I understand what you mean... let me explain it to you.
They initially were not happy about the fact that I conceived just after about 3 months of marriage. They did not show the initial happiness which anyone would show when they hear that they would have an addition to the family soon.

"They even said that...." Our relatives would laugh at us if they get to know that you planned a kid so soon... its something which illiterates do".

They started nagging me all the more during my pregnancy and when I spoke to my husband... he said its up to you and them to sort this out and he would not interfere.

Considering that I was pregnant and I needed the maximum moral and emotional support at that time, they kept picking up fights with me instead of supporting me.

It even started effecting my relationship with my husband at that time and they used this opportunity and started fighting with me all the more. Because of medical problems I had to quit my job as I used to work very odd hours... they did not even support me financially. I had a mortgage on my house( not the 1 in which my mom lives) and I had to pay my installments. They refused to pay it all together. My father in law asked me to find another job in case I wanted to payoff my mortgage. When I said, I might not be able to find a job so soon and 1ce my pregnancy starts showing( I mean the bump) no one would offer me a job knowing that I would be off on met leave in a month or so. He said bluntly that I should have thought about it before planning my baby.
Ultimately, I had to sell off my house and in that also my father in law took about $10, 000. Out of it without my consensus and later on denied it and said that he has paid it back to me. And my husband backed him.
They called up my neighbors(neighbors of my mom) and started gossiping about me.

When I saw all this and the fact that more than his baby his family mattered to my husband... I went ahead with the abortion.

This also became a weapon for them and they almost called up everyone whom they know or I know and told them that I didn't want a baby because I want to live my life carefree and that's why I killed my baby.

I used to stay with my in laws, but now as I mentioned earlier Im staying with my mom. My husband stays with my inlaws only and visits me at my moms place 1ce a week.

Your husband should grow a spine and you have to stop blaming other people for decisions you now regret. There are (unfortunately) plenty of single mothers out there with absolutely no support, financial or otherwise, who did manage to find jobs, who did manage to have and raise the child.

I'm in no way criticizing your decision. It was your decision to make. I'm just saying I don't see that anyone forced you.

Otherwise I see no simple answer here - if you are so unhappy that you are depressed (and I wouldn't be happy living in one place while my husband lived in another), then you must end the marriage.

You deserve better than this for yourself.

Sounds to me like your husband has picked his family over you.
I wouldn't tell the in laws any of my business. Maybe even tell them that you do not tell them when to bath and when to wake up so why can't they treat you the same.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

Sounds to me like your husband has picked his family over you.
I wouldn't tell the in laws any of my business. Maybe even tell them that you do not tell them when to bath and when to wake up so why can't they treat you the same.

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You are absolutely right, but I'm clueless what to do.
I've tried almost every way I could think of to make peace with may in laws but in vain.
I even offered a divorce, but my husband is more than sure that he would not divorce me. ( it seems its more of a ego thing for him).

What should I do?

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Originally Posted by krissharma

you are absolutely right, but I'm clueless what to do.
I've tried almost every way I could think of to make peace with may in laws but in vain.
I even offered a divorce, but my husband is more than sure that he would not divorce me. ( it seems its more of a ego thing for him).

What should i do?

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Why does he have to divorce you? Can't you divorce him?

Otherwise this seems abusive to me.

I think you must be Indian Krissharma, and you have to consider the cultural consequences of your actions. His family will not appreciate your actions should you leave and divorce. You are between a rock and a hard place.

One little blessing I think is that you have only your mother, so it is just his family that puts the pressure on you. What all that pressure means is control. To be controlled to such an extreme is going to take you nowhere fast, they will not change. Nor will their unrealistic expectations of how they regard you.

You cannot win if you stay, and you also lose (in their eyes) if you go. Regardless of which route you take, they will still remain the same, and hopefully fade into the background over time if you leave.

When your mother recovers, you will need to tell her what has happened to you. She will find out eventually, so better from you, honestly and upfront. You cannot recoup your losses (particularly the money stolen), and you'll have to let that go. Consider it a price you've paid for your freedom.

Then as others have said, you initiate a divorce, and get on with your life. I also agree with what another has said, that he has clearly chosen his family over you. That is pretty obvious, and that won't change either.

Sometimes love is just not enough under circumstances like yours. It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all right? Life is short, you have only yourself to worry about, and, although it is totally your decision to leave or go, I hope you find the strength to break those ties and find a healthier relationship down the road.

Hi Jake,
First of all THANKS a lot for going through my case and for taking out time to respond.
You are right, I'm an Indian but the reason for not divorcing him has nothing to do with my culture etc. Its all about the legal system out here in my country. Its very difficult to get a divorce out here... it takes years and years especially if its not a mutual divorce.
This is the only reason I asked my husband for a mutual div... which we both can file and I even offered to take care of all the legal fee. But he did not agree. In this case... if I file a div... we both would be called to the family court and there is says that its only me who wants a div and he wants to live with me. It would bcome a difficult case. Im sure he would do this only... he and his whole family are good actors. If they were on the other side of the globe they would have received individual oscars by now.
This is the only thing I want to evade... and I'm clue less how to free myself from this mess.
Secondly, offlate when my mother was hospitalised... it was around 3 months back only... my husband really supported me... financially as well as emotionaly. He even gave blood for my mother.
After this episode I don't even want to be mean, and I don't even know hw to pyback this.

At the same time, I can't even imagine myself back in that hell.
Please Help... im clueless:confused:

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Originally Posted by krissharma

Hi Jake,
First of all THANKS a lot for going thru my case and for taking out time to respond.
You are right, I'm an Indian but the reason for not divorcing him has nothing to do with my culture etc. Its all about the legal system out here in my country. Its very difficult to get a divorce out here....it takes years n years especially if its not a mutual divorce.
This is the only reason i asked my husband 4 a mutual div...which we both can file and i even offered to take care of all the legal fee. But he did not agree. In this case ...if I file a div....we both would be called to the family court and there is says that its only me who wants a div and he wants to live with me. it would bcome a difficult case. Im sure he would do this only....he and his whole family are good actors. If they were on the other side of the globe they would have received individual oscars by now.
This is the only thing i want to evade.....and i'm clue less how to free myself from this mess.
Secondly, offlate when my mother was hospitalised...it was around 3 months back only....my husband really supported me...financially as well as emotionaly. he even gave blood for my mother.
After this episode i dont even want to be mean, and i dont even know hw to pyback this.

At the same time, i can't even imagine myself back in that hell.
Please Help...........im clueless:confused:

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Only you know if you are better with him or without him - nobody can tell you whether to go or whether to stay.

You appear very conflicted and only you can work that out.

I wish you luck.

I realize that it will be difficult for you, but it is even more difficult for him, unfortunately.

He is the one who is tied to his family. They, together, will not appreciate the family being put through a divorce, especially in a court where private information becomes public. Despite the fact that India is the largest democracy in the world, there are still old world prejudices, and you would be taking on an enormous task to divorce him without his consent, and his families consent as well.

I guess like Judy said, you have to decide which battle you want to take on. Going back to his family, or being on your own.

It is good that your husband has some nice qualities as you said, but, he is forever in a position to put his mother first, then his family, then you. You've experienced this many times with him already. Unless he is also willing to leave his family, you will never be married to just him.

Maybe seek out some women's services near where you are and get some advice. There are legal advisors, and professionals who can guide and help you make decisions. Maybe you can seek out other women who have been through similar situations. Maybe counselling for the entire family?

Best of luck, you have a month to figure things out in relative peace.

I kind of have the same problem, I'm engaged to a man who spends all day working with his father then comes home and his dad calls him on the phone. Then he talks to his dad and mom for about an hour while I have been home all day with no one to talk to. His parents are constantly putting me down and his dad calls me names all the time but the man I plan on marrying will not take up for me. I just ignore them they don't own me and what they say don't bother me anymore. Try to tell your husband how you feel, have a long talk with him and tell him everything, maybe he will realize how much he is hurting you.

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Originally Posted by Mommy102808

I kind of have the same problem, im engaged to a man who spends all day working with his father then comes home and his dad calls him on the phone. then he talks to his dad and mom for about an hour while i have been home all day with no one to talk to. his parents are constantly putting me down and his dad calls me names all the time but the man i plan on marrying will not take up for me. i just ignore them they dont own me and what they say dont bother me anymore. Try to tell your husband how you feel, have a long talk with him and tell him everything, maybe he will realize how much he is hurting you.

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Hi,

Thanks for going through my post.
Thanks for all the suggestions, I know how you might be feeling as I'm also going through the same.
But I've a piece of advice for you here, in your case you are still engaged to him not married. So please buy some time and think about it; whether this is the kind of life you want for yourself.
Im suffereing just because I didn't do this, believe me it would be lot more difficult if your fiancé does not change and you get married to him. However, I'll pray for you so that you don't end up with a life like mine.

Best wishes and God bless,
Kris

krissharma: Where do you live? Since you've asked him for a divorce and he doesn't want one, for whatever reason, what would happen if you simply didn't go back to live with him? Can you continue to live with your mother? Can you live on your own? If your mother's health allows, can you discuss this with her and ask for her advice as well?

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Originally Posted by AlpineAnnie

krissharma: Where do you live? Since you've asked him for a divorce and he doesn't want one, for whatever reason, what would happen if you simply didn't go back to live with him? Can you continue to live with your mother? Can you live on your own? If your mother's health allows, can you discuss this with her and ask for her advice as well?

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I believe she's in India and culture is playing a big part in this problem.

I think she is too, Judy, but wasn't sure since there is a large Indian contingent in the US and the UK. Because I think she's in India and that culture is playing a role here, I was curious about whether not going back at all is an option and what would happen in that case. I don't know enough about Indian culture.

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Originally Posted by AlpineAnnie

I think she is too, Judy, but wasn't sure since there is a large Indian contingent in the US and the UK. Because I think she's in India and that culture is playing a role here, I was curious about whether not going back at all is an option and what would happen in that case. I don't know enough about Indian culture.

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Me neither - I don't have time to check right now but I think it is India. Although I "think" a lot of stuff and later have to apologize for it - :)

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Me neither - I don't have time to check right now but I think it is India. Although I "think" a lot of stuff and later have to apologize for it - :)

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Me too. My knees are calloused from all the begging for forgiveness. But the intent is always good.

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Originally Posted by AlpineAnnie

Me too. My knees are calloused from all the begging for forgiveness. But the intent is always good.

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Hi,

Yes, you both are right I'm in India and you getting divorced is not that easy here. More than culture it is because of the Law, which according to me is Archaic.
It take years and years of legal battle to finally get your divorce done and the only way to evade this is a mutual Divorce which is less cumbersome ( even this takes months and at least 4 to 5 hearings).

The kind of health my mother is in, I cannot entangle myself in the vicious circle of legal battle; hearing and all. I need to make sure that I'm working and attending to her.

As of now even I'm planning to just stay with my mom, till the time I can... I mean till the time my in laws create any new fuss.

Once they are back to what they are best at, I'll file for a divorce. Im just buying time so that I can at least nurse my mom back to health.

After this health crisis of her,Im worried from her point also... god knows how she'll react to everything :confused:

Im just keeping my fingers crossed and praying.

Thanks for going through my posts.
God bless you all

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