My boyfriend and I have been together 8 months, live together – in our mid 30’s. I am liberal- self confident -independent. But this whole porn thing has thrown me. Please do not criticize me for living with him or monitoring activity. I am deeply concerned.

1) He surfs porn A LOT. When I leave in the am, he acts like he's sleeping but as soon as I leave he surfs and on days off as much as 3. He looks at videos and teen naked models. It has shaken myself confidence to the core. I feel it must be going on long before me, but am consumed it is his loss of desire for me.

2) Our sex life has decreased, while his porn has increased. I talk about this gently, but he says talking makes him feel pressure to perform. I am concerned this will destroy us.

3) Last night, I went to bed and he was surfing. The next day, he left it on the history. He got defensive and said it meant nothing- that he didn’t even masturbate (I don’t know why in his mind this makes a difference). I told him I don’t care if he does it but it is disrespectful when I am in the house. How could he not feel that is wrong? I fear there are no limits or self control at this stage. What if a girl starts paying him attention, will it be OK to text and flirt if he is not sleeping with her. Where are the boundaries?
Can you actually love and respect someone and act like this?

Ah the porn question.

Well, normally I would say you have nothing to worry about but not in this case. If your sex life has decreased and he seems to be trying to do it behind your back then there is a problem. Porn can be perfectly harmelss but in this case it can destroy an otherwise healthy relationship. You need to talk to him. And not in any kind of defensive manor. Not in a yelling and screaming manor. Just straight out tell him how you feel about it. Let him know that his behavior makes you feel ignored, betrayed, and like less of a woman.

As I said porn can be fine as long as he's not ignoring you. He will probably get defensive. Just let him know how it hurts you and that you don't like that he hides things from you and sneaks around. He needs to put you first.

It could be because he's stressed. Could he be stressed from work? Stress is a very fast libido killer. If this is the culprit try to de-stress him as much as possible. Looking at porn and jerking off is not nearly as in-depth as having sex. It's easier and less stressful because he doesn't have to worry about his performance. When things get better in the bedroom make sure you make him feel like he's doing an excellent job and that way he won't be as stressed. He also could be having performance anxiety since you two are in your mid 30's. Maybe he's having problems performing and that he's self-conscious about it. This could also cause him to be defensive so if this is brought up in the conversation be very careful with it.

Hope these ideas helped. Keep us updated.

I'm a guy. First thing to remember. Its NOT about you. In fact it really has nothing to do with you at all. That's a common mistake women make. As open minded as you think you are its still part of the same jealousy that has some women freaking out if he even speaks or looks at another woman. True its not that extreme but it is really is part of the same thing.

My wife for example understands this. I can look at porn whenever I wish. She doesn't try to control me... in fact she knows I look at women, she also knows I choose to be with her. She in fact points out women with nice breasts if she sees them before me.

Now with that part said, its also possible he as was mentioned above is suffering stress from work. Many of us are these days. It manifests itself differently in men than it does women.

Pushing him or making an issue of this is going to push him away. He is an adult and you are not his mom.

About the whacking off thing... it maks a big difference. We appreciate looking at nice bodies etc... however feeling a need to whack off to them takes it to a whole different level.

You said Can you actually love and respect someone and act like this? Look it it this way... what would YOU do if he was wanting to control what you did all hours of the day or night. Even when he wasn't there?

I know I'd personally be ticked off if my wife was like that towards me. That's just my opinion.

The association for porn and masturbation is when it becomes a problem. Naturally, a mans natural sex drive will compete with what is called an addictive one... (the association with porn and masturbation). It is true he can be doing this for stress reasons or whatever else but you need to address this to him as gently as possible... or the usage will increase and the sex will decrease - look at my situation.

So, tell him how you feel about it and as long as your needs are being met you don't see it being a problem (all guys look at porn... and so do women)... everyone has a right to fantasize and maybe watch it with him or play out some fantasize since we are all sexual beings. My issue is very severe as I can't even do that with him... he is not interested and I don't think that's your issue.

What would you do if you discovered that after 8 months together he was an alcolholic? Same thing. No matter what you read here he is addicted to his porn. You have a couple of choices, confront him with his addiction and insist that he seek professional help, or leave him. This is not rocket science. At least one of the people that has posted responses so far believes that there is nothing wrong with pornography but I disagree with that thought. Porn is the fastest growing addiction in the United States today, thanks to the internet. You have to either make your BF face this issue head on and seek help or you need to move on. There is no other solution.

Me and smoothy are basically on the same page with the porn thing. We've argued it on many occasions. In most situations it's just jealousy. Jealousy that some other woman is getting your mans attention. As I stated though, in your situation it's different. My husband watches porn all he wants. I give him the bedroom for however long and he jerks off and feels so much better. But he has NEVER turned down sex with me or made me feel like I wasn't as important as the porn. He has never chosen the porn over sex with me. If he did, there would be a problem... as you stated. Just some advice, bring it up gingerly. It is a very sensitive subject especially if it's stress. You could just trigger a time bomb that's been waiting to go off and it could explode into a big fight if you pick the wrong time or words. Just be gentle... but honest.

For the OP she may want to try having an open concept when approaching this. If he is neglecting her then she needs to address it to him and if he isn't neglecting her then she may want to spice it up and try some new things.

As I read your question, you only have 8 months into this relationship.

Here are some of the qualities of a good man: works full time, has a couple of interesting hobbies, plays a couple of sports in season(basketball, soft ball, etc), has a intellectual pursuit he enjoys reading about(civil war, for instance), treats his partner with respect and care, enjoys sex with his partner, has friends, has a volunteer project like helping seniors in the neighborhood.

In other words, if a guy spends a lot of time immersed in porn, and neglects the rest of his opportunities.. he has a narrow unhealthy life. He is likely a porn/masturbation addict.

So, you only have 8 months in... time to get out if he doesn't have a well rounded life. ASAP.

That's my opinion. You don't want to be posting to a sexuality board in five years with the same problem... only you are in your 40's.

Best wishes,

When you live with a stranger after only 8 months, you will discover a lot of things about each other you may not like, so communicate, and define your own boundaries of what is good behavior, and see if there is a reasonable compromise for you both to live with.

The porn is not the important issue, but how you relate to one another, to resolve your problems