Ask Me Help Desk - Should I let go?

Hello,

I have been married for less than a year. However, my wife and I have been together about 8 years. We both have made our share of mistakes throughout our relationship and have always worked things out. A few years back during a break up I got involved with a woman, nothing serious just a sexual relationship. Once my wife came back (she was a girlfriend at the time) she told me how she had been back with her child's father and that was part of the reason that she left in the first place. Needless to say, I was very hurt by this information. For the sake of getting back together I told her that everything was fine and we would be able to move on from there and start fresh. Soon after she became pregnant with my son, and I began feel upset again about her reconciling with her child's father. This feeling lead me to want revenge. I then looked up the woman who I seen briefly during the breakup and had sex with her. Initially, I was going to tell my wife about the relationship just so she could feel my pain (crazy right) but decided not too.

So 3 years go by we get married and it has now just surfaced that the woman who I cheated with had a baby... and come to find out it is mine.
I didn't tell her when I was summoned for a paternity test (probably the first mistake) however she found the paperwork and we talked about it and decided to work it out. At this point there was still a chance that it wasn't mine. Well the results are in... and I am the father!! She has taken this information pretty hard, in fact I have never known her to be this upset. She told me that she would stay and work it out and this was the case for a week and then I came home one day and she was gone...

Since she has left she has not mentioned divorce but is in search of a new residence. I have been trying to talk with her about working it out and getting marriage counseling but she doesn't seem to want to do that. I am hopeful that we will be able to work things out but everyday she just says that she is not ready to work things out, she doesn't return my calls or emails.. It's so frustrating. We did visit with each other when drop the kids off at my mothers and we conversated a bit about our problems. The result was "We can look into counseling", but now it's back to... "I'm not ready"

What should I do?

Seriously, you drop this bomb on her and now want her to hurry back to your side to make you feel better? Be patient and understanding. Let me say it again, cause it's important, be patient and understanding. It doesn't matter how frustrated you feel, remember, it was your "feelings" that got you in this mess to begin with. I think that your anger and desire for revenge was really off. Why was it okay for you to be having sex for the hell of it while she was off trying to make things work with her child's father since that was the best thing for an innocent little kid? If you were vengeful for something like that, what other kind of unreasonable stuff will you feel vengeful for? Stop pressuring her and give her time to heal and think. The mere fact that she came back to you after learning that you cheated on her shows that her heart is in the right place cause most women would have kicked you to the curb. Your selfishness needs to be controlled for your kid's sake. Sorry to sound so harsh but you just need to chill right now. Write her a letter letting her know that you will respect her wishes to be apart for now and you will continue to be there for your son and whenever she's ready to talk, you'll be there in a heartbeat waiting.

Momincall has it right on: Wait.

You cheated with another woman when you knew your wife (to be) was already pregnant with your child... You screwed up... big.

She might get past it. She might not. You have to give her the time.

Thank you for the insight, I might be acting a little pushy about the situation. It's just.. I don't understand. She said that she was upset (very upset) but we would work through it. All the way up till the day she left that was her position. I tried everyday to talk w/ her about how she was feeling and all and what she wanted me to do. I actually said that I would move out the day that she found out but she said that she didn't want me too. I understand that this is quite the bombshell, but I have been faithful since this happened haven't cheated again... This happened 3.5 years ago! I come home everyday and have not went outside our marriage.. Why is working it out of the question? Shouldn't we at least try reconciling?

No one said working it out was out of the question, we simply said that you will have to be patient about it. It's very possible that she was trying to convince herself that she was okay and wanted to work it out with you and then the pain just set her running. It doesn't mean she won't come back, but if you keep pushing her, all you're showing her is that your hurt and your pain and your loneliness without her is more important.

BE PATIENT! Sorry, didn't mean to yell, but I don't think you're getting it. Own what you did. That's good that you haven't done it since, but there are going to be lots of changes in your marriage now. Look at the bigger picture. Now that you know you fathered a child out there, what's next? Will you actively be a part of his life? Will he be spending lots of time with you and your family? Does this girl just want money from you but no other involvement? Did this girl remarry or is she seriously involved with someone? How will this affect your son? Will this girl attempt to get you back? I'm sure all of these things are swirling around your wife's head. She has a lot to think about, respect that and leave her alone without making her feel like you've forgotten about her. Be patient and wait it out. It's hard, but that's why it's called "working" it out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by momincali

No one said working it out was out of the question, we simply said that you will have to be patient about it. It's very possible that she was trying to convince herself that she was okay and wanted to work it out with you and then the pain just set her running. It doesn't mean she won't come back, but if you keep pushing her, all you're showing her is that your hurt and your pain and your loneliness without her is more important.

BE PATIENT! Sorry, didn't mean to yell, but I don't think you're getting it. Own what you did. That's good that you haven't done it since, but there are going to be lots of changes in your marriage now. Look at the bigger picture. Now that you know you fathered a child out there, what's next? Will you actively be a part of his life? Will he be spending lots of time with you and your family? Does this girl just want money from you but no other involvement? Did this girl remarry or is she seriously involved with someone? How will this affect your son? Will this girl attempt to get you back? I'm sure all of these things are swirling around your wife's head. She has alot to think about, respect that and leave her alone without making her feel like you've forgotten about her. Be patient and wait it out. It's hard, but that's why it's called "working" it out.

Yell at him mom he deserves it and he knows it. Had to spread it around again
Daniel
The sooner you look beyond your own feelings the more quick you'll understand what your wife is facing. It would do you good to see how you have caused havoc in 3 lives and take the time to figure how are you going to fix it since now you have TWO families. Honest communication would have saved you some grief is it to late NO. But the ball is not in your court now so just wait and see if you have dodged the bullet or whether you have to bite it. Whatever way it goes -DO the right thing!

WOW. That's so sad. You made mistakes and are paying the price dearly. I hope it works out for all involved though.
At this stage you need to do what mom says and giver her space. Please let her be.
A letter from your heart may help, but even in that letter I wouldn't put pressure on her. I would express your deep sorrow and willingness to make things better but I certainly wouldn't put any pressure on her in regards to when / how to fix things. This is up to her now.
If she is not ready to try and fix this then forcing it will only make it worse.
It has been seen time and again here at AMHD.
SPACE, TIME, PATIENCE. Giver her all of these. You owe her at least that!
But there are many other issues down the track that you BOTH must address. But now is not the time. She will know!

Question.

The child you have with your wife. Have you run a paternity test to make sure it is really yours?

From the way you wrote your question, I got the impression she got pregnant shortly after you 2 got back together. Could the baby's father be the other guy?

I am not saying it is, just wondering if you have looked into that.

Seriously...
Two wrongs don't make a right!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by danielba

I understand that this is quite the bombshell, but I have been faithful since this happened haven't cheated again... This happened 3.5 years ago! I come home everyday and have not went outside our marriage.. Why is working it out of the question? Shouldn't we atleast try reconciling?

Remember that FOR YOU it happened 3.5 years ago... for her, it was just recently...
And I hear that you have been faithful since, but she also thought you were faithful when you were not and honesty was not important to you... so she needs to evaluate that as well... and again, it is fresh and raw for her...

Instead of convincing her to reconcile.. really ask her how she is doing and listen to how she is feeling and the thoughts in her mind... really really listen, and maybe then you can begin to understand. Work from that... not your wants.
Hope this helps! Tough situation... but it sounds like you are learning a lot about yourself and relationships!

The truth is people forgive BUT they don't forget so easily!