I am in a mess. I have been married the scond time now for almost five years. He and I have had lots of ups and downs, but it seems that his anger, his lack of attention to our home, himself, and even to me gets worse and worse as time goes on.

He's always stating that I'm just like his mother... well, she was very controlling and demanding, but has mellowed since he's moved out. Guess I should mention that he's disabled, this is his first marriage. I have done a lot to help him try and get his life together... helped him finally file for disability, gave him a home, children to help me raise as a family. I even helped him locate and reconnect with his birth family, and surgery to hopefully fix a main part of the disability is soon to be a reality.

I don't want all of the glory here, really I don't. BUT, I do work for a living and go to school part-time on top of that. I expect that my house should be reasonably clean at all times, that he be in fairly good spirits most of the time, be emotionally avaialbe and supportive of whatever I'm going through. He's home all day long, alone, and should have to do something!! His bathroom is a nasty mess, he smokes and leaves the mess lying all over the garage, sometimes idshes go for 2-3 days without him lifint a finger. I get tired of finally being fed up and doing it myself. My paid/outside of the house job is VERY stressfull without having to come home to more of the same old crap that I put up with at work.

I also expect that he should try to work with me on getting along, and that he not be a jerk to me/my kids (from my first marriage) in front of my kids. There's a lot of hostility between he and I, as well as between the tow of us and my ex and his wife. I hate that the kids see us all fighting all the time, and even though they are pretty young, I can tell they are tired too.

Really, it's a lot of little things that are getting to me... like the stuff above, but his temper, he gets mad about excess noise (even me typing on the computer! or the kids "talking too much"!! ), he refuses to be clean and tidy like normal people... and I'm not a neat freak, but well, I don't want to gross anyone out... but just say he's not into a clean body! Then, there's the fact that he's cheated on me before... and now he's talking about becoming a truck driver after the surgery... but he's worried I'd cheat on HIM! What he's failing to see is that there are other disability issues concerned that have nothing to do with his physical capabilities or demands from a job. HELP!!

I have a few thoughts on this.

Was he like this when you married him, or did the colours show as they sometimes do, once the honeymoon is over.

It seems like his needs are being met at the expense of yours, your children's, and your ex. Always compromising. It is unbalanced.

Why do you stay. Is he willing to change? Will he go to counselling, see a therapist, make an effort to address the obvious problems? Will he commit to even small changes, such as bathing once a day, tidying up specific things such as the cigarette buts, tidy up his papers or what not. Is it possible he will make a commitment to alter a small part of his life, to show he is serious about addressing your needs and expectations? Will he, or does he see that the issues you've noted, have to be addressed?

Dependent or insecure people will often protect their turf through controlling others. They are fearful of losing what they have become to expect. And the less you expect, the less he has do do for himself, and the more you have to do for him.

When you find yourself compromising your relationship with your children, in order to keep the peace with him, you have to start adding up how much you are losing, against what you are gaining.

As Ann Landers used to say, are you better off with him, or without him.

How does he react when you try to communicate your feelings to him?

Also, not that this is an excuse, but maybe he needs counseling to help him deal with his disabilty. When my uncle became disable he was a pain in the butt to anyone. He became nasty, his spirits was always down, he started smoking heavily, he even starting being depress.

I don't know his condition but that can pay a role in his behavior but another important question is was he always like this or just became disable? After counseling my uncle changed and became his old self in time. He confine in me that he felt like than a man because he wasn't able to do the things he use too but he took some independent living classes along with counseling and saw he could do some things and he was his own barrier.

Ok, I know this is going to sound archaic and old fashioned, so please bear in mind that this is coming from another hard working, independent woman and mother.

Men usually derive a lot of themselves worth from their job. If you're the bread winner and he's the homemaker, he might be having some identity issues. Men usually need to feel like they're your strong, capable, needed Man.

This doesn't apply to all men of course. But most men are pretty simple as far as their most basic emotional need. They want to feel needed and wanted. (Most humans do.) If he is feeling more like a house servant (which from your post, I would feel that way) it makes sense that he would be irritable and resentful.

I know you work hard and it makes sense that you would want something in return from your partner. But maybe if you take the first step by meeting his emotional needs through little things like alone time when you first get home, he might be more apt to look out for your needs.

Sounds like he wants another mother so maybe you need to put the shoe back on the right foot. Meaning if the shoe fits...
He seems to want a mother figure if you are doing everything for him. I would tell him that if he doesn't want a mother then he can manage his own responsibilities for himself.
I think I would see him through the surgery (if you can last that long) and then tell him hit the road jack.

If you can ask yourself these 3 questions...

Have I done everything I can to save the relationship?

Could you just get up and walk out tomorrow with everything being clean and no unresolved messy issues?

Are you unhappy?

If you answer yes to these questions then yea I say you can if you truly want to but as you know it's not a solution to anything. Divorce can complicate things if you answer no to any of these.