Hi all...

I am just wondering when parenting is parenting and when it becomes abusive. When is it reportable?

Here's what's going on:

-no swearing
-no name calling
-no sexual abuse
-no physical abuse

-yelling
-spanking a couple of times a year
-getting in face to yell
-frustrated parent
-stressed parent

**I guess there is yelling along with an angry parent who needs a break once in a while. It was so much yelling that a neighbor had to say something to get the yelling to stop. Is this grounds to call in Social Services.:(

The kids are happy 85% of the time (sometimes they think their mom is mean but who doesn't). They are fed, well dressed, in activities, given attention, etc. Just the yelling.

Most of what you mentioned seems normal... spanking a couple of times a year is not much at all. Being frustrated and stressedis pretty normal too; I should know! :eek: But excessive yelling is never good, it creates stress in the home for everyone, makes the children jumpy, and the yelling parent feel guilty. It's a poor way of expressing anger, IMO. However, all parents yell at least some of the time; it's pretty much unavoidable given the nature of kids.

It's important to consider the frequency and duration of the yelling. If the yelling is every day, several times a day, and/or the yelling matches last for several minutes, I think that's way too excessive. I personally get very frustrated with my kids sometimes, but I don't yell much. I don't find yelling effective. When I do yell, it's usually because I've reached my limit, and it only lasts for a minute or so... I don't go on yelling and yelling. My mom used to yell for 30 minutes or more at a time, to the point where sometimes I felt like throwing up.

If the neighbors are noticing, it seems to me that the yelling is probably going way overboard. The parent might consider that he or she has an anger management problem, and should get some anger management counseling. Excessive expression of anger towards children, even if they are being otherwise looked after, is a form of emotional abuse. There's also the possibility that it will escalate into physical abuse.

The other thing that bothers me is the statement "getting in the child's face to yell at them". To me that is VERY wrong, it's intimidation of the child and a violation of their personal space. That to me is definitely emotional abuse, and should stop immediately.

Hope that helps... like I said, most of what you mentioned seems pretty normal, but frequency, duration, and the "in your face" part would be what I would worry about.

Thanks Chava,

I thought for the most part it was normal. In the past I used to feel sorry for kids that were in trouble with their parents at the mall (you can tell the parents that are fed up), then I had a few and realized it's easy to get angry. I agree with the getting in your face thing. I think the yelling has gone too far. Is this reportable though? I just don't know.

I would just like to add, that yelling is the best way for kids to tune out their parents, The more parents yell, the less kids listen, which in turn causes parents to yell even more!
It is a conundrum.. I have found that actually doing the opposite, whispering when I am mad, makes my kids stop dead in their tracks and actually LISTEN to what I am saying. This is not an easy thing to achieve when you are used to yelling to get your point across. But with practice and perseverance it can work.
Also using a hushed tone helps keep yourself( the parent) from becoming so enraged that it becomes a screaming match..
Worth a try.. If nothing else, the neighbors will have nothing to complain about

As far as reportable, I think yelling won't be even considered as abuse, would not warrant an investigation, unless there are other things going on.

Thanks you two for your answers. It's hard to watch this.

I would not call yelling or getting in the face abusive... just ineffective...

It's the number one thing my wife and I battle with. Yelling is a prompt response in anger... and when you are angry your decisions and words are not as effective as they ought to be.

When you're yelling, your kids don't take what you're saying as direction from one who loves them, they're taking it as a response from a pi**ed off parent.

If you ever go to the library, try a title or two by Dr. James Dobson. I predict you will at least recognize him to have some excellent pointers - and would not be surprised if you fell in love with him.

Dr. Dobson is one of thee best authors out there on parenting. His books are easy to read, lots of insight and funny to boot.

Thanks Rick... yes that is true, it seems the kids are reacting instead of learning and responding properly. Will definitely check out the book.

I don't know much about raising kids since I don't have any, however I wanted to add this...

Yelling is a cultural thing. I grew up in a home with no yelling whatsoever and yet it was as dysfunctional as they come. On the other hand, I dated an Italian hockey player in college who's mom was a force to be reckoned with and can clearly remember HER yelling -- all the time about everything in italian too! Mind you, he didn't pay much attention but I was like, freaked out!? :eek:

As a result of hanging around that family, I too learned how to yell. I can still remember the very first time I did it too - at age 20. Can you imagine? :rolleyes:

The trouble with yelling all the time is you don't have a good next level to take it to for impact, if needed. If you only yelled occasionally, then it would be much more effective, like Rick said. I tend to whisper the more p.o.'d I am which that gets a lot of attention but I have been known to yell at work once or twice a year, to stop something really bad in its tracks. And it did. :D

I don't think it is abusiv in the context of calling child protective services, but it certainly is abusive in terms of the standards of how people should be treated.

I would imagine this mom feels a bad, or worse, than her children about the yelling. I don't know how to reach out to her that would work, but it sounds like she needs someone to talk to and some advice and support as a parent, and that her kids will pay until she gets it and accepts it.

I'd reach out to the mom in some way - not immediately to change how she parents, but to offer some friendship. Women tend to warm up to one another pretty quick when the interest in friendship is genuine, and it won't be long before the subject of kids comes up and she may just be dying to spill how she's feeling and how frustrated she is - which opens the door to offering solutions and suggestions.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by aqua@home

Hi all...

I am just wondering when parenting is parenting and when it becomes abusive. When is it reportable?

Here's what's going on:

-no swearing
-no name calling
-no sexual abuse
-no physical abuse

-yelling
-spanking a couple of times a year
-getting in face to yell
-frustrated parent
-stressed parent

**I guess there is yelling along with an angry parent who needs a break once in a while. It was so much yelling that a neighbor had to say something to get the yelling to stop. Is this grounds to call in Social Services.:(

The kids are happy 85% of the time (sometimes they think their mom is mean but who doesn't). They are fed, well dressed, in activities, given attention, etc. Just the yelling.

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No, yelling on occasion is NOT abuse. If your child is abused, he or she will show some signs, such as a dramatic change in behavior, slipping of grades, becoming withdrawn from friends or activities, or having violent physical or vocal outbursts that are uncharacteristic. A child who is happy 85% of the time with a parent is probably getting plenty of love, but gets angry when punished or reprimanded. I doubt social services would take this seriously, unless your ex is making verbal threats of physical harm [I]and[I] they feel your child/ren believe these threats are true and fear their other parent.

I don't know I was wondering is you get in trouble and your parent cuts your hair bald is that illegal? How about forcing them to do jumping jacks for 1 hr straight without stopping? My mom does this and she forces me to wear her oversized clothes just so I can look funny for school, she said if I ran away she'd called juvinile hall I am only 13! I am also a girl

Quote:

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Originally Posted by aqua@home

Hi all...

I am just wondering when parenting is parenting and when it becomes abusive. When is it reportable?

Here's what's going on:

-no swearing
-no name calling
-no sexual abuse
-no physical abuse

-yelling
-spanking a couple of times a year
-getting in face to yell
-frustrated parent
-stressed parent

**I guess there is yelling along with an angry parent who needs a break once in a while. It was so much yelling that a neighbor had to say something to get the yelling to stop. Is this grounds to call in Social Services.:(

The kids are happy 85% of the time (sometimes they think their mom is mean but who doesn't). They are fed, well dressed, in activities, given attention, etc. Just the yelling.

---

If the kids are misbehaving sometimes you have to yell. My mom yells at me for the stupid things I do but she's just being protective. There's no abuse here, just let it be.