Devil's advocate question for you: Is 'sexual compatibility' *the* most important thing in a relationship?

Speaking from my own experience, at times I think this is what led my ex to seek greener pastures elsewhere, despite my being with her 'the greatest romance [she's] ever known', according to her departure letter. Also, I've dated many women whom I had a big attraction to and also seemed to like me, but said we didn't have 'chemistry'. If sex is the most important thing, does it really matter if I'm good, or devoted, perfect in every other way? And if so, should I even bother to go for conventional relationships, or emulate Hugh Hefner?

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Originally Posted by cbsf

Devil's advocate question for you: Is 'sexual compatibility' *the* most important thing in a relationship?

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Yes it is. Unless it isn't.

You can't expect a global answer. It's up to US to be students of and fans of our mates and know what it means to be fully compatible. Sex isn't even a requirement in dating, it's just common. That doesn't make it smart, nor central.

But you're right, as possibly proven in this breakup, it often IS central.

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If sex is the most important thing, does it really matter if I'm good, or devoted, perfect in every other way? And if so, should I even bother to go for conventional relationships, or emulate Hugh Hefner?

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Being cynical over one or two relationships is you just being silly. Stop wasting your energies, breakups are hard enough without the extra melodrama... (hug)

Now, if five relationships all end with the girls telling you that you "suck" in the romance department, then you have more important things to do than consider the "swinging lifestyle", don't you?

It's ALWAYS important to be the best you. Just because others don't pay you off for it doesn't mean it's a wasted character trait. Being devoted and faithful and attentive is its own reward. This girl leaving you for her sexual needs may NOT be about you at all. You may be the winner on losing her. It's hard to have happen, but it still might be for the best.

And there's no such thing as a conventional relationship. They're ALL hard work and unique in unpredictable ways.

TIP: Stop being fatalistic. Relationships end, all of them... until the last one. Don't fret it. Be the best YOU each time, and even better the next time.

Your dating goal is to find someone who inspires you, not who "completes" you. And if you inspire each other, you can admire and appreciate each other for decades.

Keep at it.

Thanks, that was a reasoned answer to a cynical question, but then my head isn't in an entirely rational place this week. And you're right, part of me is slowly waking up to the fact that her leaving was for the best -- just need to get out of here and look for my own happiness.

Back in the day, many of us didn't have sex until we were married. Living together was unheard of. Guys wanted virgins as wives. Sexual compatibility was the x-factor during dating and wasn't known until the honeymoon.

***ADDED: And once the couple was married and had returned from their honeymoon, they came home to do the serious work and enjoy the fun of being married--establishing a household, working at jobs and at home, perhaps planning a famiy, and learning how to adjust to each other's daily (including sexual) needs and wants so that there would be satisfaction and fulfillment for both because each was willing to compomise.***

During the dating period, did her eyes light up when she saw him come into a room? Did he give her the last bite of his piece of pie when the two were dining out someplace? Did he hold doors open for her and help her push in her chair at the table? Did he tell her she is the best thing since sliced bread? Did she offer to iron his non-permaprest all-cotton Oxford cloth shirts? (There were no other kinds and were a real chore to iron.) Did she wash his car for him on Saturdays and even wash the windows on both sides and vacuum out the inside? Could they sit together and not talk and neither was uncomfortable with that? Was holding hands and an occasional kiss enough (for now)? Did her knees buckle when he looked deep into her eyes as he ran his finger down her jaw line and then across her lower lip? That's approaching compatibility.

Sex complicates things to early in the relationship, or just dating, and blinds us to other things we should be paying attention to, as even the worst enemies can be sexually compatible. It also makes for some hard to break emotional attachments.

I'd say no. Only reason, was I had amazing physical chemistry with my ex, she still finds me attractive and said she would really like to have sex with me again, but she is dating another guy to whom she is loyal to and doesn't want to jepordize that
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We had incredible romance, electric sex and adventures, but even that wasn't enough to keep us together. We were too different mentally to keep it up and she simply met someone that connected better with her. I still have yet to find that, but hopefully it happens for me someday, rather than being just all physical. I think we need both physical and mental chemistry, not perfect but some sort of balance.
I probably didn't answer your question, but I hope that helps.

My boyfriend just broke up with me because he didn't feel a connection or chemistry and our relationship felt unnatural for him.. I don't get it because he said that our relationship was basically only about sex and getting drunk, but if we didn't have any chemistry why would he only be with me for the sex? I thought chemistry was about an intense physical attraction for a person? But why would you want to have sex with someone if you don't have this intense physical attraction? He was always very touchy with me as well, so the lack of connection on his part came as a surprise to me..

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Originally Posted by helena_01

My boyfriend just broke up with me because he didn't feel a connection or chemistry and our relationship felt unnatural for him..i don't get it because he said that our relationship was basically only about sex and getting drunk, but if we didn't have any chemistry why would he only be with me for the sex? I thought chemistry was about an intense physical attraction for a person? But why would you want to have sex with someone if you don't have this intense physical attraction? He was always very touchy with me as well, so the lack of connection on his part came as a surprise to me..

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Hello there,
I'm sorry to hear that he said that the relationship was all about sex and getting drunk. As much as I want to defend your point and make you feel better, I can't. Okay, I have come to certain revelations in my own life that has enabled me to look at my past and see how some of my relationships have been similar to yours. Yes, I know it's very selfish and you wonder why people do what they do. I don't condone poor behavior, but unfortunately many of us are just looking for that ultimate pleasure of being wholly connected to some else. To fill that natural emptiness that we feel with something we think will give us pleasure.

In my opinion, it's a rare thing to find true love, so we search for replacements to fill that need and to hide from knowing ourselves better; it could be other relationships, it's could be drugs, booze, or a combination of all those things. Whatever it is.
I'm sure you're a great person and I don't want to hurt you in any way by saying this, but (for many men) sex and romance is still possible even without intense physical attraction.

So, what's the point of this whole thing? Well, the point is for us to learn from these things and to realize that most things in life are indeed temporary. Unfortuanately, relationships fall into this as well. Allowing and accepting this fact can help with personal growth.
I'm sorry to hear about your pain, but it's not uncommon and most people on this earth have been there.
You are the person in charge of your own perspective. If you choose to look at it on a deeper level and see the value in the lesson you'll be better off and you'll be able to just let him go. Figure out that part inside of you that feels the need for such a person what was it that you truly loved about him?

Sex is a powerful thing and it can really cloud the truth of our feelings. Trust me, I am currently abstaining from sex or any sexual activity extirely for a period, just to understand it's power. Yes, it seems crazy, but it's a good way to see how much value you place on it.

p.s. should the opportunity arise and he wants you back, don't do it, it will be much more painful.


Sorry for the lengthy response or if it seemed like I'm preaching, I'm really not. Best of luck:)