Ask Me Help Desk - What am I doing wrong?

:( I am a frustrated single mom with a 12 y/o boy. His father has always been there for us, even though we seperated when our child was four. I was fifteen when I had him and still have never married. His father recently is in the process of getting divorced from his wife and has moved to Arizona a few ago. My son's behavior has changed even before this occurred. He and I no longer are close. I was always the primary care taker for him. I have tried everything from getting him into sports, extra curricular acts., talking (even therapy). He has no interests in doing sports (just like his dad)...but he loves video games. This is limited, which makes him upset.
We recently moved into my boyfriend's house...and we believe it is because of this reason that he is so distant. The whole alpha male... well, since his dad has moved out to Arizona (no job yet), he wants to eventually move out there as well. He gets along so well with my soon to be husband, but there are rules in our new home that I dont believe my son is too fond of. We are the only ones that give him an allowance of money when he does his chores. That seems to be the reason why he only likes being around us. Please offer any advice

It sounds he is a typical teenager. You yourself said he is a lot like his father. Having certain rules that teenagers do not agree with happens. It depends on what those rules are as well. I am not to sure what exactly the problem is?

Joe

Here is the problem.... since he's been out of school for the summer, he never wants to be at home with me. (even if i had plans for us and our family)... the only way he stays home is if he knows that he will be getting something new out of it (like materialistic value). Now he wants to move from his home in Colorado to Arizona. He does not want to spend anytime with my immediate family who are the ones that have been with him since birth. Some people say that boys always want to be with their fathers regardless at this age..He does not understand the benefits he will have being with me at home. I work hard and have sacrificed a great deal for him and I since having him at a young age.

Have you communicated this with him. Have you told him how you feel? Do you have any communication with him. Question is his father a really good role model? You said he has done lots for him growing up. It is true that he is probably missing his father. Maybe that is one of his more prominate thoughts considering he says he wants to live with his father. Question is would his father want to take him in? Would you trust him to stay with his father. At the same time. Not at this age but maybe later on, the distance from certain family members could bring people closer. Counseling should be open, whether he wants to be part of it or not, but maybe the whole counseling thing should be done as a family then he might not feel so threatened.

I have talked with him continuously about this. He's bored, or "we're not doing anything anyway". His father has been in his life, but not like I have. I put him through school, attended all of his conferences, all of his recitals, sports, ect.... Im the one that has been to all of his doctor visits and the lot. He has been the type of father that takes his kid on the weekends and maybe a movie. His father has no drive for anything and does not motivate our son into trying new things. My son was being bullied at school and had his bike stolen, and I was the parent that had to take action in getting problems solved. His father knew, but did nothing. To answer your question.. he is not the type of role model I would prefer for our sons upbringing. His father has said nothing regarding about him moving with him eventually. That has only been discussed between my son and myself.

I think it is best for counseling and I think as you being the guardian parent you should let your son know that when he is the age of 18 then he has that choice to be with his father. It is important that you continue to try to encourage him to do new things. My suggestion is do more things together just the two of you? DO you do this often? Anyway, I will be back later tonight. Hope I am helping.

Hi Yuga.

It sounds to me that the lad has had a big chunk of his confidence kicked into touch.

His father moves to another state = to his mind loss of immediate support .

His mother moves in with her boyfriend = loss of the supporting role he probably thought he was giving his mother.

Mentally, he probably feels he has been kicked in the "nether regions" and as a 12 year old boy, trying very hard to become a man, that cannot be good for his ego.

Questions I ask myself...

What has the relationship been like between the lad and the boyfriend from the start of the romance?

Has the boyfriend ever attempted to befriend the lad, or at least gain the lad's confidence - he is after all also part of the relationship and orders from (to the lad ) a stranger will be resented?

How many of the changes were discussed with the lad before decisions were made?

If the answer to these questions are of a positive nature then you just have the normal male "changing from shorts to long pants" syndrome known as "growing up"

If negative... it isn't too late to give the lad a bit of his confidence back.

Just remember one thing - no matter how much the world and morals have changed - you and the boyfriend sleeping together - as adults - is probably disgusting in his eyes. Other people can do it but not your own mother or father - he has been taught since child hood by religion and conventon that sex is sinful and he is hardly willing to admit that his parents are sinners.

I can vouch for the last part personally because I was 13 years old when our parents told us (after a 10 year break) we were going to be having a new sister or brother. I certainly thought it was disgusting for "old people" to be doing "that" (even though I had already started experimenting) - and at my tender age - anyone over 20 was "OLD" and over 30, "Ancient"! ;)

I know it isn't a lot of help - but at least now we find out what our parents went through :)

Talk to his father and see what he feels and I suspect he misses him a lot. No knock on you but I think he just wants to be with his dad and no matter what you feel his shortcomings are you still must talk with him. Your son may resent the fact you live with your boyfriend also, and may feel your attention has changed. Talk with his father!! Teenagers as they grow up may be rebellous anyway(mine sure were) and can be quite impossible! Good luck!

Quote:

Originally Posted by YUGA

:( I am a frustrated single mom with a 12 y/o boy. His father has always been there for us, even though we seperated when our child was four. I was fifteen when I had him and still have never married. His father recently is in the process of getting divorced from his wife and has moved to Arizona a few ago. My son's behavior has changed even before this occurred. He and I no longer are close. I was always the primary care taker for him. I have tried everything from getting him into sports, extra curricular acts., talking (even therapy). He has no interests in doing sports (just like his dad)...but he loves video games. This is limited, which makes him upset.
We recently moved into my boyfriend's house...and we believe it is because of this reason that he is so distant. The whole alpha male... well, since his dad has moved out to Arizona (no job yet), he wants to eventually move out there as well. He gets along so well with my soon to be husband, but there are rules in our new home that I dont believe my son is too fond of. We are the only ones that give him an allowance of money when he does his chores. That seems to be the reason why he only likes being around us. Please offer any advice

I'm going through a similar situation right now with my 15 year old son darren except he says he doesn't have a dad. I would talk to him and ask him how he feels about the whole situation and just make sure you spend one on one time with him so he doesn't resent your boyfriend in the future.