Ask Me Help Desk - Scared of the resault

Okay... I had a boyfriend I grew up with but it wasn't official until we were 13 and when we were not so good for communication.. in fact I looked in career and health class at this poll of things real and healthy relationships need and we didn't have a sinlge one of them... so I tried to talk to him more but when we went to my friends house together and he ended up leaving earlier she talked to me about why he isn't being the same or barely communicating and avoiding kissing me and so It was that he had been cheating on me for 3 months with her and I was like why would you do that to me and she started crying and was like I don't know.. and I completely understand if you won't want to see me ever again and that it was bothering her for a long time and she really wanted to talk to me about it and she couldn't hold on anymore... I couldn't look at Brian without crying after what hedid... and I was there when she phoned him and told him that she told me and he was freaking out like omg and stuff like that and so I knew she wasn't lying to me, there was too much evidance.. and when he never came over was because he was going to her house instead. I couldn't see him in the morning like I always did before school... it was too painful so I got my best friend Frankie to dump him for me... and I was crying in my laundry room the whole time... I couldn't believe after being friends for 9 years that he would do that to me... Since that day he screamed at my friend to off and everyone was shocked and he rode to school faster then everyone else because he was pissed off... and then a day or so later he was still coming over I just ignored him so I wouldn't have to look at him... and well everyone ese wanted yo ang with him too and I wasn't going to break up other friendships over my problems with him... and then he started to flirt with my other BFF Tasha... and they were going out within the next day or something.. and I was devastated because all along Tasha told me that they were doing stuff together but I denied it.. I didn't want to believe it... so I didn't. But all along she was the good friend until they were alone... and he's not even that attractive.. So I'm not sure why... They are still dating but although I'm hurt I know I still have feelings for him... But I said I was okay... and that they could if that's what they wanted... but me and Brian don't get along... we're constabtly being rude to each other when we've never done anything to each other before that... and well.. I don't want to be.. and I know every time I say I hate you I mean I love you... I liked him before I knew what crushing was... and It's putting me into a HEUGGEE slump... and I can't handle it anymore. I feel really depressed all of the time and well... lets just say I am breaking from stress... and Tasha can't see me like that because although she's smart, she's very impressionable.. and things around her affect her and I've already been making her paranoid about him dumping her and I don't even do it deliberately... and all she ever talks about is Brian... and it's horribly akward. I'm turning 15 really soon and It's been going on too long... can you please give me some advice.. I have had to resault to ignoring her until I feel I won't up everything for her... and myself... I'm ruining... my friends can tell... they hate seeing me like this and it's making Tasha worry more... I am tired of cauing everyone else pain...

Best friends should stay best friends esp at 15, boys will come and go a dozen times over the next several years, But a best friend should be there forever.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Best friends should stay best friends esp at 15, boys will come and go a dozen times over the next several years, But a best friend should be there forever.

I agree fully with you, once you take a friendship away and make it something different most people find that if the relationship breaks down they have lost that friend for good, or have a friendship that will never be the same again.

I agree with these two above^^^ best friends should always be friends especially at this age. Mistakes are bound to happen and as you grow old you'll only see that the life if full of mistakes. You either regret or you move on and understand. You are 15, and possibly he was your first love and all you can do is learn from it and the same goes around. Don't lose your friendship especially when you are young.

Yeah but how do I know what to do.. I know my friends were both wrong for doing it but I need help to know what to do... I still reallly have strong feelings for him.. but I'm tired of being hurt... and this is literally ruining me...

First, deal with each relationship individually. Your feelings for this boy are not reciprocated and you need to accept that he is not into you enough to support what you feel and what you need from him, so stop giving him the chance to hurt your feelings. You will still have hurt feelings, but as long as you expect a different result you will keep getting hurt.

As for your friends, once you get yourself out of this relationship with this boy and stop expecting the impossible from him, take a few days - take your time. And then find a time to talk to each - in person - not texting or computer messaging because that just gets too inspected and over-read and shown to other people and well, just don't do that. Talk to them and be willing to let things go like, "I wish I knew enough not to let a boy come between us, and hope you'll forgive me because man I sure got hurt in this and I think I paid my price".

If you don't feel you can trust your friends, keep in mind they are young too and they are not done maturing and learning how to interact, particularly with boys involved. I'd say to give them another chance if they'll take it, and if they burn you again - well, then you will have no qualms about ending the friendship.

Also know that this all feels so intense and important right now, but believe me - it's not a big deal in the long run. You will meet other guys and you need to know that when it's this intense attraction accompanied with all this craziness - wondering if he likes you, if he likes someone else, if what you think about him is accurate or not - those are all issues of trust and security which will no longer be there if it's the right guy.

Feelings for someone who does not respond how we need them to - well, it hurts like hell whether you're 15 or 55. You never outgrow the angst of being in that situation. But you can outgrow being in the situation by recognizing that you have worth and that no guy is doing you a favor to choose you over other girls. They would be lucky to have you, and so you need to be particular about whether you want to have them. Being attracted to them is not enough - the big thing is how they make you feel about yourself when you are with them. Do they add to the sense of peace and fun and support the health of your friendships and family relationships, and do thehy make you feel great about who you are? It doesn't sound like that's happening in this situation at all. If it doesn't feel right - and all this drama shows clearly it doesn't - it's not right. Trust your gut and get these garbage relationships that erode your confidence, wear on your friendships and keep you in a state of anxiety out of your life - guys don't like drama, and the right guy won't have a chance of getting to you if you allow yourself to be the star of this show.

I agree with the others. He isn't worth it and evidently he is too old and too immature for you. You say you are 15 and if he drives to school too fast that puts him between 16 and 18.
You will always have feelings and care about an old boyfriend because when it is over we tend to remember the good and put the bad out of our mind or at least minimize it.
Like he is with other girls that happen to be your best friends for you to still care you must be minimizing what he is doing or at least trying to make it not as bad as it is---he is a user and a loser!

Well what do I do then?

Brian is 14, he is younger than me by 5 months and 3 days.. but thank you for your imput.. everything helps..

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kati-Katt

...and I was crying in my laundry room the whole time...I couldn't believe after being friends for 9 years that he would do that to me...Since that day he screamed at my friend to off and everyone was shocked and he rode to school faster then everyone else because he was pissed off

Ii guess I wasn't following a lot of what you were saying but I gathered he was between 16 and 18 with the above statement.

You forget about this immature guy that disregards and disrespects your feelings. You decide how much each of these girls friendships means to you and if you feel you should make up with them or if they are truly backstabbers that didn't give a r@T'$ @\$$ about you. Then pick up the pieces.
Forget the boyfriend cause he never was really a boyfriend to you.

You asked what you should do then... great question. I suggest that first you have an in-person (not text, not phone) chat with Brian. Tell him that you understand you are not together anymore, but having been friends so long, you would like to preserve the friendship both for your sakes and so that you can preserve the group of friends you both have. Ask him to be a little more discreet around you - like if he and these other girls make out in front of you or other stupid stuff like that, it's kind of nasty. Just let him know you don't want drama and harshness, but you need him to respect your feelings a little and not shove his new relationships in your face.

Also let him know that it's doubly hard because he chose your close friends, so not only are they not there to support you with your hurt feelings over this breakup, they also want to talk about how great it is for them to be dating you. Ask him to think about how that feels, and to just be aware that you want to be supportive but that your feelings are valid, too.

Then share the same with the two friends. Let them know that you were hurt that they were both so quick to date a guy they knew you cared for, and let them know that you felt that it kind of crossed a boundary. Let them know also that you can be OK with it, but they need to have some sensitivity and not always be talking about him to you, as if you didn't just break up with him yourself. Maybe this would be a good launcing pad to discuss what your boundaries are going to be among your girlfriends - when is it OK to date someone else's boyfriend or ex in your group.

I can tell you that when I was in high school, my friends and I (a big pack of girls and guys) had a lot of different dating relationships among us. I dated three different guys who ended up marrying three of my closest female friends. We've remained very, very close friends - all of us - the men and the women. I've been able to preserve the friendships with the men even though we've all married other people, and with their wives. It has only been possible because all of us consider each other's feelings, and honor each other's primary relationships - marriages or girlfriends/boyfriends. I once made the mistake of accepting an invitation to prom from a boy who my best friend had a thing for and frankly, it wasn't worth the date because I really hurt her feelings a lot. I wanted so badly to go to prom, I made the wrong decision. They guy dumped me the day after the dance and while my friend never said anything or got upset with me, I still know I hurt her by going with him. In the other situations, I wouldn't date a friends' ex until she had moved on, or unless she broke up with him, and even then I would do whatever the situation called for to preserve the friendships as a high priority. In one case I asked a friend if she minded if I accepted a date from a guy she had liked before, and in another case I kept the relationship with a guy pretty quiet for a while to make sure it was going to last, and by the time we felt ready to let our other friends know we were into each other, my friend (his former girlfriend) was head over heals for some new guy, and she didn't care.

In maintaining the friendships with these men, everything is out in the open with their wives and there's no stupid games or situations where things could risk either their marriages or romantic relationships with other people, nor my own. It's a matter of respect for other people's relationships and feelings, and your friends have not cultivated that level of maturity. Perhaps they can learn from your experience if you can find a non-confrontational way to let them know, "hey, I'm not mad and not trying to make you feel badly, but I want us to stay good friends so it's important to me to share how I've been feeling".

I'm sure they are just learning how to manage relationships and mean no harm, they are just amateurs at dating and it shows!