My 12 year old step daughter who lives with her grandparents spent the christmas holiday with her dad and I. We haven't seen her in two years so we didn't know what to expect. My husband talks to her once a week on the phone and out of respect, I leave the room. When she got here she was very quiet and very withdrawn. She did nothing more than watch television or go in her room and listen to her MP3 player. I haven't really had the opportunity to get to know her so I took this time to try and build a relationship with her. Everything out of her mouth was negative, violent, evil or just flat out rude. She has nothing nice to say about anyone or anything, including herself. I am having a hard time with this. My husband is a very high voltage person, very intense, very outspoken and he is full of anger as well. This is no reason to condone her behavior. He doesn't provoke it but he doesn't prevent it either. Her mother lives in Oregan and has very little contact and we live about 500 miles away and this is the second time her grandparents have allowed her to come visit. I know she must be full of anger and hate towards her parents and I can't blame her for that. I know that being raised by grandparents can't possibly be anything close to being raised by her mother and father. Her grandparents can't stand each other and don't hide this. They have a horrible relationship with all their children, none of which have amounted to anything more than a bartender in a gentlemen's club. My concern is that my step daughter will end up in serious trouble or dead if she doesn't get some help yet when I say anything I am overstepping my boundaries. The negativity alone is enough to scare me away from her. What can a person in my position do to try and give this child a different attitude or outlook on life?

First of all, the child is basically being treated as an "orphan with parents" whether you realize it or not. She is being "farmed out" at her grandparents and not living with either mom or dad. This child is angry with a capital A to put it mildly. She does not have any real role model of any value to learn how to be a normal person. She is going to get worse, much worse in this type of environment of nonloving people.

May I ask why dad or mom does not have full custody of this child and the grandparents are raising her instead?

You said "My husband is a very high voltage person, very intense, very outspoken and he is full of anger as well." Don't quite understand this description other than the man sounds like he likes to yell a lot about nothing.

Did the child WANT to spend Xmas with her father? Did she willingly come or was it "forced" on her?

You need to take some time and read about some of the parents on this site who would do anything to have their child/children live with them and they are denied this privilege by the other parent. It would be quite an education for you if you took the time.

Children are not just toys that you can turn on and off at will. They have feelings and they are easily hurt. This child has been hurt and emotionally abused for years. Why would you think she's going to be Little Miss Perfect with a background like this? You need to completely disregard the nasty, vile words she says and just keep trying to get through to her. You can't do this in 5 minutes either. It will take time. Also, when she calls on the phone maybe you should be in the room and you should talk to her as well. She is crying out for love and affection and is NOT getting any from anyone. Please rethink your attitude or this child may be the next one in line at Juvenile Hall to be locked up for a long time.

Yes, she must be full of hate if her mom and dad will not raise her but lets grandparents do it.

Next if your dad had not seen you in 2 years I don't think I would be full of love either,

Why a couple time a year he has not at least traveled there for a visit, or had her there at least once a year during the summer for a few weeks.

And "grandparents" allow? What about that child custody order with court ordered visits ?

I would say he either needs to be a much more acitive father, or needs to be out of her life, dragging her into your life like this does no one any good

Can you imagine what this girl goes through everyday living with her grandparents? You stated that they hate each other so you can see why she behaves the way she does and why her atitude is the way it is.

She needs love and to be raised in a healthy environment. She isn't getting it and maybe seeing a counselor will help her.

I don't understand why she don't reside with either of her parents. There should be no reason to why your husband hasn't seen her in over two years. Talking over the phone is nothing she needs direct contact with him. She needs hugs and kisses and he can't give her that over the phone.

I've a daughter with my ex. Even though things didn't work out between us he still play an active role in her life and not only is he a father to her but he's her dad. He would never not be part of her life while he is still breathing on this earth.

Your husband isn't acting like a dad and I hope is doesn't show his anger around her. The mother is no saint either so shame on them both.

My heart goes out to this girl and I feel so sorry for her. It good to hear that you have an interest in her well-being but I must ask does your husband, the father, share this same concern?

Ask her to help you bake cookies, even if they are just Pillsbury refrigerator cookies (peanut butter flavor and add a Hershey's kiss on top of each after they are baked and hot right out of the oven). Let her help you plan meals, make food lists ("Should we buy skinless, boneless chicken breasts? They're on sale. I've got a great recipe. What veggies would be good to have with chicken?"), go grocery shopping together, and put the groceries away together. Let her help you with the chicken recipe and prepare the vegetables, etc. Change the beds together. Teach her how to play War or use playing cards to play Memory or put together a jigsaw puzzle. Don't try to counsel her or be a mother to her. Just be a friend who takes her along with you on your life's adventures.

Don't bring up her dad or mom or grandparents. Just do ordinary conversation. Tell her stories about animals you had as pets when you were little or tell her about your toys as a kid or tell her what books you liked when you were in middle school (take her to the library?? ). As she begins to trust you, she will begin to unload some of her anger and will begin to vent. Let it happen but don't comment more than empathetic comments like "Oh, my" and "Wow" and "That sounds tough." Just be her friend who she knows is always there to listen without judgments and who will give her unconditional love. That's all she is looking for.

Poor baby,I feel very sorry for this child.

I applaud your effort to reach out to her but given what she has lived its going to take her some time to trust.

She is emotionally disconnected because that is how she survives.

If I don't care or love I can't get hurt.. again. Or rejected .Its a self protection thing.

Thank God she has you... keep trying to connect and one day when she believes you are truly her ally she will embrace you. Keep on keeping on!

You have the power to make all the bad better.

Many blessings... Michele

Can you blame her, I mean really, you're the person replacing her mother, hell, if I was in her position, I'd probubly treat you worse, I'd spit in your face, but that's just me
Have you tried to bond with her, or at least try to show that you have share some interests, godamn, you sit there and try to keep away from a girl, who is now part of your family, and you wonder why she's so mean, and distant, are you really that obliviouse, she's not the one to blame, its you, your husband, and her mother

It sounds like this girl hasn't had what even comes close to a healthy relationship with an adult especially a parent figure so it is not surprising that she doesn't really want anything to do with you. It sounds like she is holding in a lot of anger if she is being distant like you say she is than that girl needs help she is about to start going through puberty with all of those hormones raging added to her current state it could be potentially extremely dangerous to her. Talk to her father he has thrown away his relationship with his daughter. Try going to visit her instead of her feeling like she needs to make the effort get your asses on a plane and do what it takes to fix this before you loose her forever. She is the only victim in this entire thing and she knows it!

She didn't choose to come into this world! Grandparents have done their parenting, the chids parwnts should be responsible, a child is a blessing not just someone who you see once every two years; she has probably no happy memories left!

Not to sound rude and please do not take thi the wrong way but I am ashamed by this treatment!

I feel so sorry for her. Is there a way that you can contact her school to let them know what she's going through and maybe she could talk to a counselor once a week or however much she needs if she feels comfortable with that? When I was in middle school I went through a lot and that helped me more than anything. The thing was though, no one knew I needed to talk to a counselor until I had an assignment to write a poem, and apparently mine sent me straight down to the office to talk to someone. She needs to be able to talk to someone.

I do agree with Wondergirl that you could ask her to help you with everyday activities. Just show her what a normal life is like and let her enjoy it.

Question for you, not to be harsh, but have you ever tried to read up on this kind of behaviour she is showing? Learn about what is happening to her, or at least the possibilities. Try to put yourself in her boots? ;)

Peace be with you.

P.S. Maybe give her this web site and tell her if she wants to, to use it. It may help or not, who knows. Couldn't hurt?