Ask Me Help Desk - Break up after 8 years.

Break up after 8 years.

Hi all, I need some help.

I posted this on another forum unrelated to relationship advice about 1 week ago.

"have been with my girlfriend for 8 years and we are both very much in love. Not only that but she is my best friend. I am a completely different person now at 28 than i was when i met her. She is Canadian and im English. We met in england in 2000 and 3 years ago i moved out here to Canada with her.

Then 3 months ago she got a job offer in Paris on a 1 year contract and for the last 6 weeks i've been living alone. She is coming back for Xmas and we are both counting the days. The other variable is that after that one year is up there is the possibility of her working in their malaysia office. Its a great career opportunity for her and im terrifyed that she would see it as too good to turn down.

When your with somebody for 8 years and everyday you come home to the same face even if its late and you both go straight to bed it becomes such a dominant feature of your life that you can barely remember what life was like before that 8 years began. Then when suddenly that stops its heartbreaking. As a person i have always hidden my feelings from everyone around me, even my closest family, i hate asking for help and i hate showing weakness. Now i find myself feeling more vulnerable than ever before and the one person who knows me best is gone.

Another aspect of a long term relationship is that you take your other half for granted, and its only when they're gone do you realise how much you love them. In my case absence really does make the heart grow fonder. I am definately taking this a lot harder than her so maybe that study is correct.

The strongest part of our relationship has always been the communication. We both express our feeling in full and thats why we are lovers and best friends. Im scared that if every time i speak to her i show how vulnerable i am feeling that she will find me less attractive which will weaken our relationship and maybe make the choice of whether to go to malaysia or not easier. By hiding my feelings it goes against everything our relationship has stood for and that my friends is the dilemma i face."

Then yesterday she called me and said although she didn't want to do it on the phone that she MAY want to break up.

We have talked and e-mailed constantly in that period and the best way I can sum up her feelings is by showing you some of the reasons she gave by e-mail.

"Essentially, I experienced a healthy curiosity throughout our relationship, because of my inexperience with other men. Then with the unfixable downturn in our sex lives which we can't seem to get passed...I got more of the nagging feeling that maybe we are sexually incompatible and just amazing friends. Then the healthy curiosity changed until constant questioning which I have been able to suppress because in all other areas you are way beyond my expectations. I don't know if I should compromise or if I should look elsewhere because I don't know what is out there. So I'm left with this unanswered question forever more, that I just had to tell you about. It felt like the only way to answer it is to say, we have to separate. It's not like I just called to say I was leaving you. That was never the plan. Ever."

And...

"Not quite. Actually there is a second and much more important part and that is I need to find out what I'm like in other relationships. Do I naturally sabotage things that are good and question them because of my deep thinking nature or I need to find out if there is something innately wrong with my feelings toward our relationship in particular.
Because I really cannot tell why I want to leave you because you've done nothing that wrong. So I need to know if I'm just like that in relationships or if there is something wrong with our relationship. I really cannot tell because my feelings for you are so deep and we have such an amazing history."

And...

"If I asked you to wait for me for 6 months would that be weird/make more sense? Because I don't know if I can really BE without you in my life. I really don't know. Ultimately I do want to be together. That is ALL I want. Is just to be happy with you."

I can also tell you that I met her at 16 and I am her only long term relationship and her only lover. There were a few girls before her but nothing serious. She is my only long term relationship too.

Tomorrow she flies in to Canada for Xmas and will be staying for 10 days. In that time we have both agreed to act as normal as possible, still be affectonate, as we were before and see how it goes. Maybe its just because we have been apart for so long for the first time in 8 years. Although after reading this forum I think this is it and I am mentally preparing myself for the NO CONTACT stage when she leaves. I will also be moving back to England to be with my family as I have nothing here and I need their support.

Where do I go from here?

I advise you not to wait till she leaves. But, to start no contact effective immediately.

Can you elaborate?

Also I live with her Mother and brother who are like familly to me. I can't initiate the no contact stage because we haven't really sat down face to face and talked about it. Besides I can't get a flight home before new years eve and I have finincial obligations to terminate.

I expect to be here in Canada for another 2 weeks.

I think the handwriting is on the wall, and your plan for no contact maybe can't start now, but it's the best thing to do after you leave.

If you don't you'll be stuck in the past, and without a life of your own.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I think the handwriting is on the wall, and your plan for no contact maybe can't start now, but its the best thing to do after you leave.

If you don't you'll be stuck in the past, and without a life of your own.

He is correct you will be stuck in the past... I am there now because I am not following what these smart people are saying... still stuck in denial

Some questions:

There are going to be moments in the next 10 days when both of us are going to break down. There will be lots of tears I'm afraid.

How do I get through these 10 days without looking like a love sick puppy? Do I walk away when I feel I'm about to break down? How should I proceed so there is still a chance she will come back to me?

I have too much pride to beg so that's not on the cards.

Q2. Can someone interpret or relate to the comments she made?

Q3. How do I tell her towards the end that I am breaking all contact without looking like I'm closing the door on the possibility of a future relationship?

Thanks.

I would try to avoid her as much as possible. Avoid all those grueling face to face talks. It will only give you more imbalance in your life.

Q2 - You met her when she was very young and she wants an opportunity to see what else is out there. There's probably a very good chance that at first she'll find it to be disappointing compared to what you guys had. That doesn't necessarily mean she'll change her mind about what she does.

Q3 - If what comes to pass does, tell her that you need some time away from her communication to get yourself sorted out. Do let her know that if she changes her mind (ie the 6 months) for her to get in touch with you, and may feel that its worth trying again, but you won't know for sure.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 411Help

I would try to avoid her as much as possible. Avoid all those grueling face to face talks. It will only give you more imbalance in your life.

Im not sure this is wise. I am more imbalanced now that I ever was.

She is going to want to talk in detail about us. At the moment she is as confused as me.

We both need to talk so we can understand the situation and maybe get closure if that is possible. At the moment there are too many ifs and buts floating around for me to ignore her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fab1987

Im not sure this is wise. I am more imbalanced now that i ever was.

She is going to want to talk in detail about us. At the moment she is as confused as me.

We both need to talk so we can understand the situation and maybe get closure if that is possible. At the moment there are too many ifs and buts floating around for me to ignore her.

Wow your story sounds exactly the same as mine. When she comes down to canada, both of you are going to break down and there is going to be a lot of begging and pleading going on. You don't need to tell her about the whole NC thing. The whole point of her breaking up with you is that she doesn't want you in her life, that involves talkiing to you(Harsh but true).
Just remember this you had a life before you met her, you will have a life after she leaves.

Its really not like this break up is about two people that hate each other. Its about changes that have to be made for ones future.

Instead of dreading it, and be in denial, embrace it as an end to a great adventure with many to follow. Sure you both may break down a bit because you shared a great time. Enjoy this moment, wish her well, and honestly want the best for your friend.

Yeah, it always sucks to go through these changes, and no doubt you'll miss each other.

Share this last time, and then get moving on. Be honest as you will need to heal, so will she, and at least the shock, and confusion, shouldn't bother you as much, since you have a chance for some closure.

This is something you go through, sad as it is, but you do it celebration of what comes next.

Good Life, to you both.

I know already that the thing that will hurt the most is that she is going to meet and sleep with another guy.

Is it normal to imagine him to be more successful than me, a better lover than me etc etc?

Or is that just my own insecurities making me think like that?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fab1987

I know already that the thing that will hurt the most is that she is going to meet and sleep with another guy.

Is it normal to imagine him to be more successful than me, a better lover than me etc etc?

Or is that just my own insecurities making me think like that?

Perfectly normal to think that way... But do not dwell on it too much because you are thinking about something no of us can control..

What I do when I start to think that way is I get up and walk around and look for something to do or read...

But its just a part of the process good luck

That's very reasonable. If it is definitely over, you need to find closure.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fab1987

I know already that the thing that will hurt the most is that she is going to meet and sleep with another guy.

Is it normal to imagine him to be more successful than me, a better lover than me etc etc?

Or is that just my own insecurities making me think like that?

Perfectly normal.But you have to remember more successful and a better lover are all relative terms.Keep yourself busy , distract yourself with other things so you don't have time to think about this.Good Luck

Quote:

Originally Posted by 411Help

That's very reasonable. If it is definitely over, you need to find closure.

I appreciate your help but this is the second time you have posted one liners with elaborating and so I'm not sure I understand your why your saying what you say.

What's reasonable? Why is it defintately over?

Ok, I apologize. You responded to me in the previous page, and I responded. I also said, IF IT'S definitely over. What I THINK you should do now is, enjoy this last time together, then heal.

Thanks, I understand better now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fab1987

I know already that the thing that will hurt the most is that she is going to meet and sleep with another guy.

Is it normal to imagine him to be more successful than me, a better lover than me etc etc?

Or is that just my own insecurities making me think like that?

Guess what? You will too.

And the rest is just your insecurities.