Ask Me Help Desk - Unsure in my marriage

I have only been married for a year. I have two children from a previous relationship, and one with my new husband. I cheated on him before we got married and he throws that in my face every chance that he gets. We have been through counseling and everything. I just had his baby not even two months ago, and on our anniversary we went out and he had a few beers, I did not drink, there was another woman in the bar and he was grinding with this woman right in front of me. ON OUR ANNIVERSARY!! He made it seem like it was all my fault. I feel as if he does not love me, but I truly do love him. He also watches porn and likes to play with himself instead of making love to me, he says that he can not stand to make love to me because of the fact that I cheated on him before we were married. Could he be cheating on me? He says that he loves me and our son, and my boys call him dad, but he also says that he can not show emotions to us because he does not feel the love because he has lost so much. I keep telling him how tired I am of trying to make this work but for some reason we keep on coming back. I am always ready to leave but he says that he can not make it without me and I believe him, but nothing ever changes. PLEASE HELP!

Quote:

Originally Posted by worriedmommy

I have only been married for a year. I have two children from a previous relationship, and one with my new husband. I cheated on him before we got married and he throws that in my face every chance that he gets. We have been through counseling and everything. I just had his baby not even two months ago, and on our anniversary we went out and he had a few beers, I did not drink, there was another woman in the bar and he was grinding with this woman right in front of me. ON OUR ANNIVERSARY!!! He made it seem like it was all my fault. I feel as if he does not love me, but I truly do love him. He also watches porn and likes to play with himself instead of making love to me, he says that he can not stand to make love to me because of the fact that I cheated on him before we were married. Could he be cheating on me? He says that he loves me and our son, and my boys call him dad, but he also says that he can not show emotions to us because he does not feel the love because he has lost so much. I keep telling him how tired I am of trying to make this work but for some reason we keep on coming back. I am always ready to leave but he says that he can not make it without me and I believe him, but nothing ever changes. PLEASE HELP!!

I see nothing changing until you take a stand - his behavior is not acceptable to you; you can't live like this; your sons should not have to live like this; he is disrespectful; you tell him the behavior you expect (without being unreasonable) and if he can't comply you don't threaten, you end it.

You can always try counseling, of course, if he's willing to go.

This is emotional abuse. I would have the same advice if he would physically strike you.

There was reason why you cheated. It sounds like you have doubts about this relationship (in the beginning) and something is missing.

U cannot blame him for not trusting you or feeling resentful. It is very hard to build back the trust that was lost.

I know there are children involved but you need to decide what kind of a relationship you want. If you force this relationship just because of the children, you may cheat on him again.

Do what's best for u---try to be honest with him about your true feelings towards him, like why you cheated and what is it going to take for him & u to continue to be in this relationship or not.

Good luck.

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Originally Posted by dazzling

There was reason why u cheated. It sounds like u have doubts about this relationship (in the beginning) and something is missing.

U cannot blame him for not trusting u or feeling resentful. It is very hard to build back the trust that was lost.

I know there are children involved but u need to decide what kind of a relationship u want. if u force this relationship just because of the children, u may cheat on him again.

Do what's best for u---try to b honest with him about ur true feelings towards him, like why u cheated and what is it going to take for him & u to continue to b in this relationship or not.

Good luck.

Well, cheating is cheating - I don't know that the reason behind it matters much. It's a breach of trust, a lie. HOWEVER - I read this as before the marriage and I read that OP thought he had "forgiven" her. Apparently he has not. I don't see his general behavior to do anything with the cheating episode. Sounds like he has unrelated problems.

Nobody makes anybody else cheat - it's a decision a person makes.

Forgiving you came from his mouth, but not his heart. You both will be miserable until he can really forgive you.

Sorry, but this can't work like this, and some separation may be your only recourse.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Well, cheating is cheating - I don't know that the reason behind it matters much. It's a breach of trust, a lie. HOWEVER - I read this as before the marriage and I read that OP thought he had "forgiven" her. Apparently he has not. I don't see his general behavior to do anything with the cheating episode. Sounds like he has unrelated problems.

Nobody makes anybody else cheat - it's a decision a person makes.

U make cheating sound as simple as eating a blue berry muffin?!

Even if I eat a muffin, I have to deal with the consequences of the sugar rush, calories, the carb and the bad corn syrup. And so forth.

I am not saying he made her cheat but she needs to re-examine her reasons for cheating no matter when.

Life & relationships are hard enough and when you can't be honest with yourself account for your own behavior then you cannot expect honesty or accountability from anyone else.

well you do deserve a little bit of it I mean u did cheat on him!! But then again 2 wrongs don't make a right. So no find out what he wants to do. He might just want it to be over. Its hard being with someone after you know that they had cheated on you. And its hard trusting sumone else after you cheated on him.
YEAH U DO DESERVE IT

You are wasting yours and the kids time. He sounds like he's holding you hostage but you are trying to be the negotiator but he doesn't care.

Move on, If he really liked you, even as a bad person, he would make you suffer then at least teach you a lesson and get together..