Ask Me Help Desk - I'm cheating on my boyfriend with my best friend

I have this best friend called Josh and we hang out all the time and have the greatest fun together and even though we’ve been friends for years there’s always been some kind of chemistry between us. The problem is that I’ve been dating his best friend for two years and I’ve never cheated on him. Recently my boyfriend has been neglecting me and even when we do spend time together he only wants to sleep with me. He’s also got pretty nasty; he calls me names and never tells me he loves me even when I tell him that I do. This one time he head butted me so hard I cried and a bruise came up but he just laughed. Whenever we’re around other people he’ll act like everything’s normal and fine so no one understands what’s going on. Josh has always told me that if things hadn’t turned out the way they did then, he would be with me now.

Recently, after my boyfriend stood me up and left me on my own in Oxford city center for hours, Josh left his party and came to see if I was OK. We ended up spending a really romantic evening together, taking a walk though Jericho and sitting by the river looking at the stars. I ended up staying over his, which is pretty common, and we ended up kissing. He told me that I meant everything to him and that I was gorgeous and beautiful, and it felt so lovely to be adored and appreciated. We’ve agreed to keep things quiet for now because we don’t want to hurt anyone, but I don’t know what would happen if my boyfriend were to find out, I fear he might seriously hurt Josh and/or me. Josh says that we can’t help who we fall for and that it’s not hurting anyone this way, and that we should deal with things properly when we both know what we want in the future.

We all share a very close circuit of friends, and I doubt this secret will stay safe for long. Is it best to walk away from Josh and carry on with my boyfriend as if nothing happened, come clean and face the consequences, or keep a relationship with both keeping everyone happy until Josh and I know what we really want for the future?

Yes, he was a jerk, an awful jerk. But... this doesn't excuse your behavior. You need to tell your boyfriend, then leave him. He doesn't sound like a good person at all. But.. like I said.. It doesn't excuse what you did AT ALL.

Cheating is wrong and you should not be doing it.
This other guy saying lets just keep it under wraps until we know what we want is a jerk too. He is using you and his friend.
Leave them both alone.

Choose. Cheating is cheating, no matter what form. You need to come clean. Chances are your not going to stay with your current boyfriend, but cheating is not a good way to start a new relationship. Don't let it become an affair, keep it as a one-night mistake. You need to choose now. A relationship started as an affair tends to end with an affair too.

You are both JERKS

And you will get what is coming to you.

How weak you are.

Two wrongs don't make a right!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by TrueFaith

You are both JERKS

And you will get what is coming to you.

How weak you are.

I would not call her a jerk. I think his guy she is cheating with is a jerk. He is messing with his best friends girl and if he knows she is being abused and is doing nothing it, he is really a jerk. They all sound really young.
I think this is a young lay with so little self esteem she would stay with a guy who mistreats her and be used by another. She needs to leave them both alone.

I think everyone is wrong in this...

The boyfriend shouldn't be a bully towards her
She should not cheat
And the best friend is a JERK

Quote:

Originally Posted by Krs

i think everyone is wrong in this...

the boyfriend shouldnt be a bully towards
she should not cheat
and the best friend is a JERK

Read my first answer, I said the same thing.
I agree with you

Its all wrong...
The 3 of you are doing wrong

All 3 of you need to avoid each other like the plague.

So let me get this straight. You are lying to your boyfriend, and cheating on him with his best friend Josh. He is nasty to you, and head butted you until your face swelled, and only wants to sleep with you when he sees you. His best friend moves in on his friends girlfriend, and tells you to keep quiet about what is going on with the two of you, to his best friend.

Josh knows how your boyfriend treats you, but tells you to stay until the "both" of you know what you want. You think you aren't hurting anyone this way, and are still with the abusive guy until... let's face it... Josh makes up HIS mind, because God forbid you would be alone. You need someone to make up your mind for you, and will stick around for abuse and sex without love, because both you and Josh are scared your boyfriend will hurt one of you... yet, Josh tells you to stay for now.

Do you not get any of this? Seriously, leave your boyfriend and leave Josh alone! Neither relationship will go anywhere. You have some work to do on yourself if you think this situation is normal or healthy! You need to be on your own, and forget about boys for awhile.

We are all 18-19, it becomes clearer day by day the right thing to do. I figured I had no 'long term plan' with Josh, I was just being too selfish and too naïve. Would I really want to be with a guy that was prepared to cheat with his best friends girl? Could it happen to me if I did start a 'real relationship.' I think it's best to leave well alone.

The reason I may appear to have 'low self esteem' could be due to the fact I'm a part time model and my boyfriend never had any time for it. I think he used the 'I'm dating a model' thing, he'd always be telling me to lose even more weight and stuff like that.

I've taken into account responses so far, so thanks for all the constructive criticism you've given. I really am grateful.

I hope you leave both of them alone.
You deserve better, and as young as you are, you don't want to start the pattern of dating losers just for the sake of having someone.
I wish you the best.

You should really stop dating them both, and figure out how to be healthy of mind body and soul, so you can have a happy, healthy, and loving relationship someday.

Its sure won't be with either of these bozo's.

Although Cheating Is Wrong... in your case you should break it off with your boyfriend ASAP and tell him that you care for him but you think that you guys should only be friends... Allow him to understand that if he wants to sleep with other girls it will be OK because you two are only friends, Don't TELL UR B/F ABOUT UR FRIEND THIS COULD LEAD TO A HUGE FIGHT AND A ENDING TO A THREE WAY UNIT OF FRIENDS. In today's society this could also lead to the DEATH of either guy or YOURSELF... Mean while you and your friend... continue being friends for as long as you can possibly can stand it. Even if this means putting your feelings on the back burner. TRY NOT TO TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL until you fell 100% Safe. Tell your friend that your sorry for what happened between the too of you and that this was WRONG... tell him this even if you really feel differently... This will allow him to trust you in the future and at the same time respect you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jacks_mann

I have this best friend called Josh and we hang out all the time and have the greatest fun together and even though we've been friends for years there's always been some kind of chemistry between us. The problem is that I've been dating his best friend for two years and I've never cheated on him. Recently my boyfriend has been neglecting me and even when we do spend time together he only wants to sleep with me. He's also got pretty nasty; he calls me names and never tells me he loves me even when I tell him that I do. This one time he head butted me so hard I cried and a bruise came up but he just laughed. Whenever we're around other people he'll act like everything's normal and fine so no one understands what's going on. Josh has always told me that if things hadn't turned out the way they did then, he would be with me now.

Recently, after my boyfriend stood me up and left me on my own in Oxford city center for hours, Josh left his party and came to see if I was ok. We ended up spending a really romantic evening together, taking a walk though Jericho and sitting by the river looking at the stars. I ended up staying over his, which is pretty common, and we ended up kissing. He told me that I meant everything to him and that I was gorgeous and beautiful, and it felt so lovely to be adored and appreciated. We've agreed to keep things quiet for now because we don't want to hurt anyone, but I don't know what would happen if my boyfriend were to find out, I fear he might seriously hurt Josh and/or me. Josh says that we can't help who we fall for and that it's not hurting anyone this way, and that we should deal with things properly when we both know what we want in the future.

We all share a very close circuit of friends, and I doubt this secret will stay safe for long. Is it best to walk away from Josh and carry on with my boyfriend as if nothing happened, come clean and face the consequences, or keep a relationship with both keeping everyone happy until Josh and I know what we really want for the future?

Ok, well your boyfriend sounds like a womanizer. Sometimes when dating people we show them the best side of us to have them like us then…after some time the true colors show. Evidently your boyfriend is neglectful and abusive…at the time he headbutted you, you should have left and said these are the grounds for me leaving…you hurt me and I am moving on. You should never stay with someone that shows you ANY physical abuse, also, for him to just want to have sex when he sees you is not showing you that he cares about you but rather he has his own selfish reasons for being with you. He acts like its all fine and dandy around other friends because in the event you two do split up he will turn it around on you and say how awful you where and how badly you treated him…putting on a show and hiding the true self. You need to leave this boyfriend because the situation will not improve but rather worsen.

As it goes for your friend Josh…well he sounds like he does care for you but in the same respect why would he say for you to stay with your boyfriend? That makes no sense because he is aware of the abuse and neglect and if he had serious feelings for you as he says he does, he would naturally tell you to leave so that he can further pursue the relationship. Don't give him any piece of the cake because you are seeking consoling and male companionship due to your boyfriends behavior…this will worsen and complicate your situation as you already know. You need to take a step back from your relationship with Josh and take it slower. You said that you two where good friends so keep it that way until he figures out what he wants but don't go about and commit to this relationship secretly or otherwise. Cheating evidently is not the answer and if it does come all out…your boyfriend will really get back at you with your own friends as a weapon. Don't give your boyfriend more power…so take one step back and look at your options. In my opinion, you should leave your boyfriend and keep Josh as just a friend until you are ready to move on and he is ready to make up his mind…keep it casual as it was prior to.

I can say that your behavior is not excusable either…you need to make a decision or you need to make that decision quickly before this does come about. It is one or the other.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jacks_mann

We are all 18-19, it becomes clearer day by day the right thing to do. I figured I had no 'long term plan' with Josh, I was just being too selfish and too naive. Would I really want to be with a guy that was prepared to cheat with his best friends girl? Could it happen to me if I did start a 'real relationship.' I think it's best to leave well alone.

The reason I may appear to have 'low self esteem' could be due to the fact I'm a part time model and my boyfriend never had any time for it. I think he used the 'I'm dating a model' thing, he'd always be telling me to lose even more weight and stuff like that.

I've taken into account responses so far, so thanks for all the constructive criticism you've given. I really am grateful.

I see you are young…why stay in a relationship that really is not benefiting you in any shape or form? You can't change someone so don't bother…let it go and move on. Might I add that regardless of your age or whether you're a part-time model, everyone has esteem issues…get over it now because once you do settle down and have some kids you will kick your own butt for treating yourself the way you do at your age. I too was the same and not a day goes by I don't wish I changed my personal image of myself…have a few kids! So grow up and be confident…at the end of the day all you have is you. So why treat yourself badly? Respect yourself, love yourself, and be in the best interest of yourself…no one can change how you feel about yourself only you have that power, maybe taking some time out of dating and get to spend time on your own; rediscover your inner-self. Also, having an abusive SOB isn't helping your personal image and/or esteem issues (if anything it is contributing to negative esteem issues). I was a trophy too…not fun, find a nice guy who cares about you because image is nothing compared to the hearts desire for true, unconditional, rewarding, mutual and compassionate love.

Best of luck.

Leave them both alone. A guy who would cockhold is best friend is not worth it, neither is one who would abuse you.
Get away from both of them.