David and I have been together for 3 years now. We've lived togther for about 2. We have had our ups and downs... you know like breaking up and moving back in with the family. But now for the second time we are truly ready... HE is finally ready. (I've been ready for a while) But because of our rough past, my mother loaths my love. She doesn't like the fact that we live together and certainly wouldn't agrre with us getting married. I don't know what to do. She says that we are to young to know what love is. But after 3 years it's kind of hard not to make plains for the rest of our lives. :confused: I want to just TELL her... and not expect anything... but I also want her support. If I don't marry him because of her, I don't think that I could ever forgive myself. My father agrres with our marriage. He let us live with him after my mother filped out when I told her that I wanted to live with him. But I was 18 then, and just barely out of high school. Now I am in college and David and I just got a 3 bed 2 bath house (which she still hasn't come out to see after 2 months) If anyone can help me find the right words to say to her... please help.

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Originally Posted by lady_fang66

David and I have been together for 3 years now. We've lived togther for about 2. We have had our ups and downs... you know like breaking up and moving back in with the family. But now for the second time we are truly ready... HE is finally ready. (I've been ready for a while) But because of our rough past, my mother loaths my love. She doesn't like the fact that we live together and certainly wouldn't agrre with us getting married. I dont know what to do. She says that we are to young to know what love is. But after 3 years it's kinda hard not to make plains for the rest of our lives. :confused: I want to just TELL her... and not expect anything... but I also want her support. If I dont marry him becuase of her, I dont think that I could ever forgive myself. My father agrres with our marrage. He let us live with him after my mother filped out when I told her that I wanted to live with him. But I was 18 then, and just barely out of highschool. Now I am in college and David and I just got a 3 bed 2 bath house (which she still hasn't come out to see after 2 months) If anyone can help me find the right words to say to her... please help.

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If you are old enough to get married you are old enough to say, "David and I are getting married." I don't know what else there is to say - if you start with something like, "You aren't going to like this but ..." you set the tone for the conversation.

She may like it, she may not. It is her choice to either accept and participate or not.

As long as you are self supporting and making your own way you have the right to make your own decisions whether they are correct or not.

You can't control how your mother feels (and she hopefully is simply acting of concern for you and this relationship) and she can't control how you feel.

If you are too scared to talk to your mom send her a wedding invitation or anoucement.

But as I have also always said, if you are a adult and if you are responsible enough to get married, you have to be able to stand up for the choices you make.

As the others have said, you are old enough to make your own decisions. Although, I'm curious. When you split up and moved back home, did you tell your Mom all of the gory details of the break-up and things that went on in your relationship and bad mouth David?

A lot of girls do this. They are angry at the guy, and they go running home to Mom or Dad, or go to their best friends, and tell everything. Then the person that sat and listened to all the crying and the bad things that happened, didn't get to see the other side of things when you got back together. So all they remember is the bad stuff you've told them.

I would try and involve your mother. I wouldn't just send her an impersonal invitation. She's your mother, and deserves some respect. I would maybe take her for lunch, and explain the steps that you and David have taken to try and ensure your marriage will work. Tell her about his good qualities, and what makes you love him and want to marry him. Tell her that she doesn't have to agree, but you would love to at least have her support for your sake. Tell her that you love her, and understand her concerns, but she should try and trust the way she raised you, to make the right choices.

Good luck!

Pretty much these exact words in form or way you normally talk to your family

"Mom, dad, me and david are getting married"

From the sound of it your mom doesn't like you getting hurt and that's all she's worried about

I think before you deal with your mother you need to seriously consider what you two have done (you and fiance) in your relationship to one another in front of your families and be completely honest with yourselves about whether you've resolved the issues. If there's been any violence between you, don't expect your family to support the marriage unless you think it's reasonable for them to say, "sure, hit my daughter - that would be great!" If it's a drinking issue, or just too much arguing, same thing... do you want your mother to be OK with you being treated like crap? Is that a realistic expectation for you to place on her?

And determine for yourself very honestly whether you are marrying him because you are ready for marriage and as you say, he's been there for three years, or is this a man who's going to be the right partner - the only partner- for you forever?

If there's been any bad stuff going on, before you expect mom to choose the wedding cake with you, your boyfriend - and maybe you, too - need to give her some time to see the work you've done to improve your relationship. Spend some time alone with her - let her know the positive things you are doing. If your boyfriend is getting counseling, or you are getting premarital counseling or whatever, let her know.

Just don't act like idiots to each other and then expect your parents to start throwing rice like giddy fools. My sister did that to our family and it was just painful for everyone. She dated a guy, they had an abusive dating relationship, we hated everything about him with good reason - he did nothing at all to win anyone's respect and still doesn't after many years of marriage - and yet we were supposed to play "happy wedding" for a day. What can we say? We thought the guy was an idiot at the time, and he proves we were right at every turn. We tolerate him and don't make an issue, but the reality is, there are many times they are not invited to things because he's such a bafoon he would be inappropriate, and because inviting her without him would be an offense.

If your mom doesn't like the guy - you need to think about that seriously. Stop defending him and truly listen to what she's saying. If it's true, take her advice.