I want suggestions on how to deal with my sister in law in the future, after taking some mental abuse from her before Thanksgiving?

My sister in law insisted, to the point of anger, only talking to me about Thanksgiving plans, with her brother. I told her repeatedly that she should talk to her brother about plans, since I will be out of town. She became angry, said she could talk to me and ignored my suggestion to talk to him. My plans for the holiday were to be 1000 miles away, visiting my sister and mother. I told my husband about the invite his sister was extending to him, and my son. Then I dropped it out of my mind, went about getting ready for my trip, totally forgot about it. A week before the holiday, while visiting friends, they extended an invite to my husband and son to spend the holiday with them. My husband jumped on the invite, I vaguely remembered the previous invite, did tell my husband that he should run this new invite past his sister... yeah... yeah. The friends said, ".......can come over too!" and they would call and invite his sister and her husband. Knowing his sister to be touchy, I told them they should give Jeff time to call his sister first, then get back to them. Well... the wife of the friend, being enthusiastic about cooking and entertaining, called my husbands sister before he could. She blew up, called me, started calling me names, screaming she only wante4d to talk to me, when I told her she needed to talk to her brother. I dropped the phone went to get hubby, she had hung up. Hubby called to say he was sorry, at fault for the mix up, I had told him about the plans. She apologized to him... never to me. I sent her an email explaining, she got meaner, called me another name... then I sent email to everyone involved. I have tried to keep out of the middle from past experience, but to keep the peace, when originally talking to her and hearing her getting angry because I did not want to be in the middle, I listened. Anyway, she still blames me, called me more names... I have had it with my husbands family. Wackos! Theywant to scream at each other, but end up screaming at the in-laws. Well, I am at the point were I never want to see his sister ever again. I refuse to be the whipping post, anymore. I put up with it while his mother was alive... but not going to put up with it from his sister for the next twenty years. My family tell me to NOT put up with that childish behavior, no matter what. Mentally, I can not keep letting these people abuse me, it is not healthy. My question is: I will be seeing her at large family functions and would like some advice on how to deal with running into her? Any suggestions?

First you and your husband need to stick with each other and support each other. Make sure you or he doesn't say anything that even remotely sounds like you are not on each others side.
Second at functions try to stay on the opposite end of the room from her and ignore her.
At any time if you hear anybody saying she said this or that you and your husband need to speak up and tell your side of the story.
People like this can not be reasoned with and the more you do try to the more it is going to fall on deaf ears. She is who she is and if her mother was like that too then it is definitely in her to be that way. Nothing is going to change her.

Thank you for your advice. This prompt me to talk to my husband about his sister. We had a good talk. I think we are on the same page

I agree with Nohelp that you and your husband need to present a united front. However, I think that when you do see her you shouldn't ignore her. Be cordial and say hello. This will show everyone that you are not petty.

Thank you for your help.

It will be phyically difficult to avoid her in the relatives small house. Also, since talking to my husband about my current very real anger towards his sister, he has let me off the hook about attending the large family gathering.

He has also explained to me his avoidance from interacting with his sister in any way or form because of her past behavior with him growing up in the same house. "So, you MAKE me do what you should be doing?" "Sorry...." I have made it very clear to him, that I do not want to interact with her ever again. I will not cook for her, invite her over, even if she does get her act together to apologize. I will not miss her since she rarely interacted with us, or my kids who are almost grown up. She missed the boat with them, too. I have extended invitations of dinner, or parties, etc... with not much coming from her unless it was the whole family. She is NOT welcome in my house, anymore. Believe me, I took abuse from her and my mother in law for many years esp at the holidays when they took every opportunity to put me down, insult me, insult my well behaved children, insult how my daughter looked, say things to me when my husband left the room,. nasty childish behavior on their part... for whatever reason they decided to torment me. I always smiled and tried to ignore whatever they threw at me. I realized many years ago, they were jealous and blamed me for my husbands decisions. I was the whipping post so my husband could go about smiling untouched by his mother and sisters anger. I have had it, and I told him... no more.

No matter what you said or how many times you say "I am sorry", by the way I don't think you did nothing wrong, she is going hold grudge against you. This all started when she first called you to ask about the holiday but then she got mad at your response. Again, I think you did nothing wrong.

If she wants to act chidish then let her but you don't have to deal with it because after your husband called to explain the mix up that should've been it but she wanted to start something with you.

Name calling is disrepectful and she does it to try to make you feel bad and because she has nothing else to say, that's what people do. She should be the one telling you that she's sorry but don't expect it because she probably thinks she did nothing wrong.

Until she is capable of acting like an adult don't talk to her. Right now it's up to your husband to try to talk sense into her and try to rstore the peace but still he can't control her nor her actions. One day she would up and smell the coffee and see her wrong.

I checked with the hostess about the attendees. She refused the invite. Both her and her mother never liked attending 'the other side of the family'. Basically, they were unhappy people and blamed everyone for their own unhappiness. I understood this, but it is not fun dealing with people like that. I really thought that when my mother in law died, my sister in law might change for the better... no, she only stepped into the main controlling position that was void. Well, thanks for your advice and perspective. It is always good to get another view.

I would be cordial while maintaining my distance.
Clearly you will never be best friends but if you are stuck with her,just be polite and maybe try to give her a compliment on something to ease the tension.
You might also ask your husband to stick by you so you feel less uncomfortable.

Thank you. I decided to drive separately so I can arrive early (if she changes her mind about attending, she is always late to any event) and leave if she shows up.

I will pass on giving her a compliment because any comment is miscontrued, twisted, to be a slam or have hidden meaning behind it. Sad way to operate. Paranoid. Weather was the safest subject to talk about with her and her mother. They had it down to an art form. They use to talk about the (current, or past) weather for about a half hour or more. I was prying if I asked about her work or anything else about her life. It has always been like walking on egg shells around her or her mother.

Once again, thank you, everyone for your help.

Advice for the future - avoid her, be pleasant and do not engage. If she says something outrageous, walk away. My former husband's sister was a thorn in my side for our entire decade of marriage - and still is whenever she has the chance to be a pain in the neck. I just started to correct her publicly when she did something inappropriate publicly, and the rest of the time I ignored her completely. It worked pretty well.

LIke when she pointed out that I was a lot heavier than when I married, I responded, "yeah, I guess we've both really put on the pounds..." She did the same thing another time and I responded, "well, it's very rude of you to mention it" . She had no response and looked like the A*( that she was and it was the last time she commented to anyone about my weight.

My feeling was that I couldn't change her but I could stand up for myself and not let her embarrass me in front of other people. As for this stupid kind of arguing over nothing, I'd just say, "Kathy, I'm not going to discuss this with you. I'll talk to you another time," and get off the phone, or walk away. Just refuse to engage in the conversation as you started doing.

Thank you.

I am glad the Holidays are over. I do not have to think about running into her... at least for another year.

I had another talk with my husband yesterday. I told him, his sister could have responded differently... or he could have just called her after I ignitally told him about the invitation. He said, "I don't like to talk to her, ever." He seems happy to ignore her... so, that is how he is reponding. He also said, "Why didn't she call him!" I said she did, in her mind, by talking to me and putting me in the middle of their anger with each other... so, if he does not do what she asks of him, I am at fault. And he keeps saying... she never called ME! I answer... bull----, she did call, but would not talk to you directly... and you did not respond to her invite by calling back. Pissing war between the two of them. Sick of it.

I will fly to my side of the family, next year. Problem solved for me.

From now on when she calls before she can get into anything tell her WAIT he says that if you want to discuss anything it needs to be with him directly. Then tell her when to call back or get him to the phone. Pro actively remove yourself from the middle.

I went through pretty much the same thing this Christmas between my mom and sister. I ended up staying home, staring at the wall and eating a pizza.

Hello All,
Well... a year has gone by. My SIL did call back and apologized to her brother. And that was the end. Much later, after many holidays and graduations went by (I never included her or called her to attend) and on a quiet walk, my husband told me, I was NOT at fault, he and my SIL were at fault. He said I have every right to not want her in my house or near me. She behaved badly according to him. I thanked him for saying something and understanding how I was wronged. It only took him 25 years to see my torture by his family. He said, "She owes you an apology....not me." So the stalemate continues. I am refusing to be the whipping post anymore. I should have stood my ground years ago.

It's good your husband sees this, and he too has been a victim of his sister, from having lived with her growing you as you said.

I admire you for sticking your ground, and I hope that has brought you some peace of mind to make the decision to distance yourself from her and avoid contact.

There is no rule book that says that just because you are related by marriage, that you have to subject yourself to abuse.

I feel sorry for her in a way. I think she's probably missed out on some really good times with you and your husband and your kids growing up.

But, will she regret it? I doubt it. I hope you have a great, stress free Christmas this year.

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Originally Posted by SandyNew

Hello All,
Well....a year has gone by. My SIL did call back and apologized to her brother. And that was the end. Much later, after many holidays and graduations went by (I never included her or called her to attend) and on a quiet walk, my husband told me, I was NOT at fault, he and my SIL were at fault. He said I have every right to not want her in my house or near me. She behaved badly according to him. I thanked him for saying something and understanding how I was wronged. It only took him 25 years to see my torture by his family. He said, "She owes you an apology....not me." So the stalemate continues. I am refusing to be the whipping post anymore. I should have stood my ground years ago.

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Yep. It's all about boundaries - making them and sticking to them.

Good on you for standing your ground. If I were you I would not consider it a 'stalemate', I would consider it over.

Waiting for an apology will be like waiting for hell to freeze over I imagine!