Down in the dumps post breakup.
I've kept most of this inside lately, so I'm just going to spout some things off here-- perhaps some insight or feedback can be given to clear my head. I know what advice I would give someone else if they were in my situation-- but for some reason I'm unable to listen to myself. This post will probably be disjointed and not make much sense... I'm just hoping that posting will maybe release some of what's stuck inside of me.
Quick background. Around aug/sept my ex and I split. Her and I were together for almost 10 years. With a 1.5 year split 3 years into the relationship. She contacted me at the 1.5 year mark and we both realized we made big mistakes and that a breakup was a bad idea. Clearly we didn't learn and she broke up with me.
After the latest breakup I took a small timeout and settled into my new place. Shortly thereafter I tried dating. I started with online because,. well.. it was easy to meet people and I felt I needed new people in my life. Everyone of those dates ended up in a bad situation like the girl really liking me and me not having interest as my heart was/is still somewhat damaged and didn't want to drag anyone along when in the end I didn't give a either way. A couple of month ago I deleted that online dating profile and played it cool and chilled with friends or alone.. contemplating life and what I can improve... or just moping quietly... and sometimes if I'm lucky- feeling inspired enough to do something creative.
I seem to be having a hard time getting past all of this. I think a lot about my past when things are quiet around here... and it often keeps me up at night. It's not that I want to get back with her as I no longer have trust in her and she has zero interest in me. It's just the memories haunt me.
After a fairly explosive and drawn out final days - I have maintained no contact since day one or two. The only contact that has ever been made is when her relative sends me messages asking how I am,how much they miss me, how I was an important part of them growing up and how much fun they had with me. I respond to them because I feel leaving them out in the cold is a ty thing to do. I basically send them words of encouragement to make them and myself feel better. The only problem is is that after I send the messages the past memories start flooding back and I get stuck in a rut for a good few days. Maybe this is just part of the burden for now. Plus I think ignoring them might have an impact on how they view and trust people close to them in the future. They were family after all and I loved them as such.
... Moving along...
I have friends that ask me why I'm not out there dating or meeting women. I tell them that I'm just not in the mood. But the real reason is that the thought of having to talk with these women makes me sick to my stomach. Not because I'm nervous but because the thought of talking to women that I have zero in common with is frustrating. I'm a somewhat eccentric person with an specific sort of taste which makes talking to random women extremely tiring and difficult- plus I'm super shy when it comes to women. And at the end just makes me feel totally alone reflecting on the good things I once had, even if it did die or were not as great as I thought them to be. As a result of this I find myself heading to strip clubs as they are easy. I can go out, have fun, go home and not worry about it again as it's clear what a strip clubs purpose is. And if I'm lucky I can actually have a decent conversation with some of them (believe it or not!).
Next thing that's bugging me...
My career started thriving a couple of years ago. I can afford most of the things in life I want. I loved the idea of meeting someone when I was 'nothing' and the both of us growing to enjoy success together. Maybe I found it romantic. Who knows. But now I find myself in situations where money and labels matter to a lot of people and what you do and how much you makes defines you as a person. It's sickening. I don't dress in designer clothes.. in fact I'm quite the opposite. I'm fairly heavily tattooed and probably look different than the business man wearing Gucci- and as such these 'successful' people look down on me. On the flip side if I go back to the places I use to hang out I feel like I haven't progressed or have the 'been there done that' feeling. It's like I'm stuck in between two spots and haven't yet found where I belong. My whole life I've found partners that are more of less on my page.. but now that I'm getting older it feels less likely that it will happen again. What if I meet someone during success... how will I know why they are with me? What if everything goes titsup with my career? Are they going to stick around? Does any of this even matter as no one can tell the future? Is it all just a roll of the dice?
All these thoughts have been getting worse now that christmas is coming. For example: I miss our pets like crazy. We never had any kids as the pets did a great job of filling that spot. I thought long and hard about sending an xmas present to them. I thought it was a good idea and while at the mall shopping for things it hit me that I don't really know how me sending something is going to pan out. I was going to do it anonymously-- but there's always the chance someone figures it out that it was me and then the questions start flying and assumptions are made. Or maybe I'm scared of getting a "thank you". I didn't really understand my motives in the end so I ended up not doing it. It kind of bums me out that I won't be giving them anything-- but I think it's the right decision, even if a tad bit selfish.
I saw a shrink after my breakup as I felt I had a ton of 'boyfriend' flaws that needed sorting out. He specialized in crisis situations like bad breakups and death etc etc. In the end I saw the things I need to do in a relationship that I wasn't doing before. This was a great thing for me to understand and work on and I now know what I need to do in respect to being in a healthy relationship. After awhile my shrink thought I made great progress in terms of understanding the breakup and moving past the anger and felt that I didn't really need to come back again unless something big happened.
So here I am.. with way too much time on my hands to dwell on all this crap. It feels like all this (relationships/career) stuff has happened in a short period and has left me with my head spinning.
I took a trip to Mexico last month that ended up in good times and debauchery. It was a great release. I'm thinking about heading back for new years... maybe it will help.
P.S I'm really not as crazy as this post makes me out to be. I'm just attempting to release a bunch of stuff that has since surfaced now that I'm facing the world with a new set of eyes.
Perhaps I just need more time to come to terms with everything.
I felt really good getting that off my chest...