I've kept most of this inside lately, so I'm just going to spout some things off here-- perhaps some insight or feedback can be given to clear my head. I know what advice I would give someone else if they were in my situation-- but for some reason I'm unable to listen to myself. This post will probably be disjointed and not make much sense... I'm just hoping that posting will maybe release some of what's stuck inside of me.

Quick background. Around aug/sept my ex and I split. Her and I were together for almost 10 years. With a 1.5 year split 3 years into the relationship. She contacted me at the 1.5 year mark and we both realized we made big mistakes and that a breakup was a bad idea. Clearly we didn't learn and she broke up with me.

After the latest breakup I took a small timeout and settled into my new place. Shortly thereafter I tried dating. I started with online because,. well.. it was easy to meet people and I felt I needed new people in my life. Everyone of those dates ended up in a bad situation like the girl really liking me and me not having interest as my heart was/is still somewhat damaged and didn't want to drag anyone along when in the end I didn't give a either way. A couple of month ago I deleted that online dating profile and played it cool and chilled with friends or alone.. contemplating life and what I can improve... or just moping quietly... and sometimes if I'm lucky- feeling inspired enough to do something creative.

I seem to be having a hard time getting past all of this. I think a lot about my past when things are quiet around here... and it often keeps me up at night. It's not that I want to get back with her as I no longer have trust in her and she has zero interest in me. It's just the memories haunt me.

After a fairly explosive and drawn out final days - I have maintained no contact since day one or two. The only contact that has ever been made is when her relative sends me messages asking how I am,how much they miss me, how I was an important part of them growing up and how much fun they had with me. I respond to them because I feel leaving them out in the cold is a ty thing to do. I basically send them words of encouragement to make them and myself feel better. The only problem is is that after I send the messages the past memories start flooding back and I get stuck in a rut for a good few days. Maybe this is just part of the burden for now. Plus I think ignoring them might have an impact on how they view and trust people close to them in the future. They were family after all and I loved them as such.

... Moving along...

I have friends that ask me why I'm not out there dating or meeting women. I tell them that I'm just not in the mood. But the real reason is that the thought of having to talk with these women makes me sick to my stomach. Not because I'm nervous but because the thought of talking to women that I have zero in common with is frustrating. I'm a somewhat eccentric person with an specific sort of taste which makes talking to random women extremely tiring and difficult- plus I'm super shy when it comes to women. And at the end just makes me feel totally alone reflecting on the good things I once had, even if it did die or were not as great as I thought them to be. As a result of this I find myself heading to strip clubs as they are easy. I can go out, have fun, go home and not worry about it again as it's clear what a strip clubs purpose is. And if I'm lucky I can actually have a decent conversation with some of them (believe it or not!).

Next thing that's bugging me...

My career started thriving a couple of years ago. I can afford most of the things in life I want. I loved the idea of meeting someone when I was 'nothing' and the both of us growing to enjoy success together. Maybe I found it romantic. Who knows. But now I find myself in situations where money and labels matter to a lot of people and what you do and how much you makes defines you as a person. It's sickening. I don't dress in designer clothes.. in fact I'm quite the opposite. I'm fairly heavily tattooed and probably look different than the business man wearing Gucci- and as such these 'successful' people look down on me. On the flip side if I go back to the places I use to hang out I feel like I haven't progressed or have the 'been there done that' feeling. It's like I'm stuck in between two spots and haven't yet found where I belong. My whole life I've found partners that are more of less on my page.. but now that I'm getting older it feels less likely that it will happen again. What if I meet someone during success... how will I know why they are with me? What if everything goes titsup with my career? Are they going to stick around? Does any of this even matter as no one can tell the future? Is it all just a roll of the dice?


All these thoughts have been getting worse now that christmas is coming. For example: I miss our pets like crazy. We never had any kids as the pets did a great job of filling that spot. I thought long and hard about sending an xmas present to them. I thought it was a good idea and while at the mall shopping for things it hit me that I don't really know how me sending something is going to pan out. I was going to do it anonymously-- but there's always the chance someone figures it out that it was me and then the questions start flying and assumptions are made. Or maybe I'm scared of getting a "thank you". I didn't really understand my motives in the end so I ended up not doing it. It kind of bums me out that I won't be giving them anything-- but I think it's the right decision, even if a tad bit selfish.


I saw a shrink after my breakup as I felt I had a ton of 'boyfriend' flaws that needed sorting out. He specialized in crisis situations like bad breakups and death etc etc. In the end I saw the things I need to do in a relationship that I wasn't doing before. This was a great thing for me to understand and work on and I now know what I need to do in respect to being in a healthy relationship. After awhile my shrink thought I made great progress in terms of understanding the breakup and moving past the anger and felt that I didn't really need to come back again unless something big happened.

So here I am.. with way too much time on my hands to dwell on all this crap. It feels like all this (relationships/career) stuff has happened in a short period and has left me with my head spinning.

I took a trip to Mexico last month that ended up in good times and debauchery. It was a great release. I'm thinking about heading back for new years... maybe it will help.

P.S I'm really not as crazy as this post makes me out to be. I'm just attempting to release a bunch of stuff that has since surfaced now that I'm facing the world with a new set of eyes.

Perhaps I just need more time to come to terms with everything.


I felt really good getting that off my chest...

Sounds like you're moving to a better place.

If you don't mind me asking, what were some of the mistakes that you made as a partner? Care to share some grizzled old wisdom with youth?

You sound like someone who needs to break away from everything you've ever known... maybe something jungly like the Amazon :)

Nice vent, and your in the right place as we love to vent and rant here. It does feel good.

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Perhaps I just need more time to come to terms with everything.

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Yep!!

I was out tonight and my ex sent me a message telling me that one of my cheques arrived at her house. Funny- the day after I just ramble on about how there's been no contact and then... contact. I just responded abruptly saying the cheque was canceled and to throw it in the garbage followed by a thanks.

I felt sort of bad for my response since it probably came off rude- she never responded back. I have a thousand and one things I could have said to open conversation-- but what for? Just to draw out tired emotions that no one really cares about anymore? I didn't intend it to be rude.. I just wanted to keep it neutral to save myself more head/heart aches.

Of course, I spent a lot of last night thinking about things again. Like how I ended up in a spot that leaves me totally incapable of communicating with the one person I actually want to communicate with.

It's funny.. you read things about when it comes down to it - most people are very similar and actions from one person to the next most likely mean the same thing. But you tell yourself that your situation is/was different and people really don't understand... but at the end of the day it really isn't different at all. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing.

If we all know that the end is the end and that if your partner does this or that it probably means they're cheating, as an example... are there any surprises left?


Yosomoton213: To answer your question. I think a common mistake in relationships is not properly communicating and not showing respect. It's easy to think you're doing these things right... but I think one needs to really sit down and think about it. I'm not going to bother listing specific examples as everyone's are different... but in the end it does come down to communication and respect. This goes for both sides.

first of I want to say that the original post does not make you sound crazy! It does make you sound sad, puzzled and like you really do need a break from everything. So a trip is a good idea.

Break ups are hard, especially when you have been in one for as long as you have. So being 'down in the dumps' at times is a fairly common response for a lot of people.

I lived with a guy for 5 years when we broke up , both my family mmbrs and his were really sad b\c you become apart of each others families! I sympathies with your feelings around the family mmbrs and messages. My x has 4 brothers and the 2 youngest brothers were 5 and 13 when we started dating and when we broke up they were 10 and 18... it was pretty tough on all of us.

I think that the reason break ups might seem so similar is b\c its tough on the people involved. What differs is how people react. Some resigne, some don't care or tell themselves that they don't care... and how people choose to handle their situation differs greatly.

as for surprises... I think there are surprises left, both good and bad... mostly b\c people differ...

I must say you've def come to the right place for talking about this subject though!

Hehe talaniman! True that, true that. We surly love to vent! And it really does help :) and it even helps make you feel better (at least for me)

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Originally Posted by a la king

I was out tonight and my ex sent me a message telling me that one of my cheques arrived at her house. Funny- the day after i just ramble on about how there's been no contact and then... contact. I just responded abruptly saying the cheque was canceled and to throw it in the garbage followed by a thanks.

I felt sort of bad for my response since it probably came off rude- she never responded back. I have a thousand and one things I could have said to open conversation-- but what for? just to draw out tired emotions that no one really cares about anymore? I didn't intend it to be rude.. i just wanted to keep it neutral to save myself more head/heart aches.

Of course, I spent a lot of last night thinking about things again. Like how i ended up in a spot that leaves me totally incapable of communicating with the one person i actually want to communicate with.

It's funny.. you read things about when it comes down to it - most people are very similar and actions from one person to the next most likely mean the same thing. But you tell yourself that your situation is/was different and people really don't understand..... but at the end of the day it really isn't different at all. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing.

If we all know that the end is the end and that if your partner does this or that it probably means they're cheating, as an example... are there any surprises left?


Yosomoton213: To answer your question. I think a common mistake in relationships is not properly communicating and not showing respect. It's easy to think you're doing these things right... but i think one needs to really sit down and think about it. I'm not going to bother listing specific examples as everyone's are different... but in the end it does come down to communication and respect. This goes for both sides.

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Well, it is different when it's happening to you as we mostly have room for only one or possibly two people in our lives who become special to us... who we invite to be part of our each other's life and family, as you've done. Building a relationship is a huge personal investment, so no wonder it's hard to let go.

While we can empathise with your heartache because we may have been through something similar, your own experiences remain very personal. I can at least tell you that when love or romance comes into your life again, it can still be full of surprises.

I don't think I mentioned this yet... But I think deep down I would like to know that even though it didn't work out -- she thought of me in some sort of fond way or even felt an ounce of sadness or even wishes she could talk to me. The little communication I've had since the breakup leads me to believe she really doesn't give a sh!t. I don't want to talk to her and any communication is always brief on my end.. but it's like my ego needs it.

Even though I keep myself busy there are still big chunks of time where I feel some anguish and I just hate the idea of going through this for someone who doesn't care.

The sad fact is even if she didn't give a sh!t- I would still be thinking about it.

Ugh, this has got to come to an end eventually. I *can't* feel this way forever. I wish I could separate from myself and sit down with my double and knock in some friggin' sense... because I know EXACTLY what I would say. But I'm so stubborn I won't even listen. It's like I enjoy this misery or something.

Yep, know that feeling all too well. My ex jetted off overseas for a reunion with an old flame. Not that I cared that much about him, to be honest, as it was my kids I was mostly concerned about.

Ten years is a long time to be someone. As you've only been separated for a few months it's going to hurt a lot for a while longer, especially over Christmas... obviously it is. How did your relationship end, if you don't mind me asking?

I'm sure there are people here who will gladly give you a kick along if that's what you really want. You might want to be careful of what you ask for :)

There you go King man, wishing she would at least stroke your ego for you.

Stroke your own ego, by overcoming this situation, and the days of expecting anything from her is over. Not being harsh, just keeping it real.

But frankly you are only voicing what we all have felt, at one time or another, some of us, a few times, yeah it sucks.

I can really relate to this, going through something similar with my ex-fiancee, so know that you're not alone.

I second that -- kick her out of your life completely to make room for yourself. You still need love and are capable of loving, although it may not seem like it's possible, may it find you yet. Just try to remember the things that you enjoy most, and keep doing them.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

There you go King man, wishing she would at least stroke your ego for you.

Stroke your own ego, by overcoming this situation, and the days of expecting anything from her is over. Not being harsh, just keeping it real.

But frankly you are only voicing what we all have felt, at one time or another, some of us, a few times, yeah it sucks.

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I'm trying to be honest by writing all this. I know that some of this stuff is terrible to say.. but I believe most, if not all, of us feel it. I would be lying to myself otherwise. :)

I SHOULD add. Feel it at one time or another after a break up. It should NOT be a lasting feeling...

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Originally Posted by a la king

I don't think i mentioned this yet... But I think deep down I would like to know that even though it didn't work out -- she thought of me in some sort of fond way or even felt an ounce of sadness or even wishes she could talk to me. The little communication i've had since the breakup leads me to believe she really doesn't give a sh!t. I don't want to talk to her and any communication is alway breif on my end.. but it's like my ego needs it.

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I know exactly what you are talking about, as I recently went through the same thing. It took me months to get over it. Realize this, she most certainly cared for you deeply and she will always remember the great times you two shared. You aren't with someone for 10 years and just don't give a rip. That said, however, what you two DID have is now long gone. She moved on for whatever reason. While it takes time, it sounds like you are well on your way.

I haven't read all the posts so I hope I am not being redundant but here it goes. 10 years is a long time…I have been with my husband for 10 years and I can't imagine you not reflecting on the relationship. Of course family always makes it harder to compass in the right direction because you have developed a relationship with them as well – then your cut off because of the relationship break up – very difficult, I can only imagine. Naturally, going through a break up of a relationship to that extent is equivalent to having that person pass away, grieving process is similar, which you have discovered at your counselors office.

I am pleased to hear that you stopped the online dating…I am sure you have discovered that people are not what they are all measured up to be online. You can be anything on the other end of the computer; you're not meeting people as they truly are (only what information they decide to volunteer (if any of it is true)). You aren't ready for another “ dating relationship” and probably won't be ready for some time as you will be comparing your new interest to your old attachment…you won't find happiness on rebound and you know that so good for you. BUT I don't think strip clubs are you answer sweetie…you can't avoid the scene forever and if you continue to absolve into these environments you will evidently face new problems…a harder time communicating/meeting potential's or finding a wonderful companionship/friendship. You need to get out and exercise building friendship with the opposite sex (I use to work as server in that atmosphere…strippers are of a different caliber) which are extremely rewarding.

Congratulations on your career success and evidently you're not attracting the opposite sex with money…because you will be attracting the wrong thing and you know that. Unlike many divorced men I have come to meet…looking for a temporary fix or finding someone who will intentionally be with you for the purposes of getting what they want…and there are shallow women (as there are shallow men). You stick to what's familiar but have your occasional perks of a better paycheck and that's great…never to early to save for a rainy day. They say if you are successful you should be successful in every way (even if your not successful…project being successful and success will be your reward)…not to say in the least that differs to label successful but dressed for success…they hold no real value. Staying true to you and knowing you are no ones fool. When you do find someone, you study/observe them…knowing what it is you want and how that person makes you feel. It takes a long time to get to know someone as you know so it's always good to keep your ears and your eyes open…follow your heart and your instinct. Love isn't chance and shouldn't be roll of dice not unless you are in Vegas looking for it. If it's not in your backyard then it is yet to be discovered…look abroad and hold your chin up. You need to be sure of yourself before you can engage in any serious relationship (as you said you need to find out where you belong)…build some friendships and find someone with common interests…once you have stopped comparing you are ready to move on.

I understand Christmas will be extremely difficult…maybe buy a new pet? Also, congrats on seeking the shrink and unfortunately that's how it always pans out…you aren't always the partner you thought you should have been and unfortunately have learned that after the break up…but you have learned a great deal and have more to bring to the plate to the next relationship.

A vacation! That's great…taking a break from it all and it evidently did you some good…if you have the ability and no ties then do travel…go everywhere and meet people, see different places, historic sites, possibly connect with your background culture and enjoy the perks of freedom/travel. I am sure you will entice a female somewhere but in the interim live life at its best or the best that you can.

Your not crazy, you have been through a lot and venting here is what we do…I do it too :) even if its silly, no one judges you here because everyone has issues…everyone is supportive and honest – sometimes point blank and brutally honest but its constructive. I think you are doing everything you can…and continue to grow…time will take care of the rest.

Best regards

Thanks for the words xoxaprilwine. There is a lot of good insight into what you've said.

I'm just so tired of being tired, you know?

I think my situation is a good example for all those people hoping and wishing their ex's would contact them for a reconcile.

When my ex and I broke up years and years ago I moved out and didn't say a SINGLE word to her for 1.5 years, aside from I think one stupid text, that she ignored. As far as I knew she hated me.

Out of the blue she contacted me and we quickly continued our relationship after we realized we were stubborn and made mistakes that weren't worth the break-up. During our time apart we both dated other people and attempted to continue our lives, even thought I was miserable and she was too... or so she says.

And in the end, after growing more attached and making more of a life together (or so we thought) the second time around... we broke-up again. Making this round WAAAAAY worse than the first time because of the emotional investment and thinking "hey, i got a second shot..this must be REAL".

Splitting up is like breaking a fine piece of china. *If* you can reconcile and glue the pieces back together... the faint cracks from the repair never really go away.

Is it worth reconciling? That's for the individual to decide.. My verdict is still out on this as it's all very fresh... but I think anyone reading this garble will see the answer.

Its not garble... this is important to you. We can see the answer... the answer being No. Maybe after all these years it is time to move on - received a second confirmation. You can't stay with someone because of the time invested in the relationship... the memories be it good or bad.

I'm feeling a bit better today... for the time being.

I ended up partying with a friend at my house xmas eve into xmas morning. As I was coming down I got super depressed and ended up sending my ex a simple merry xmas text. Nothing intense.. just a merry christmas to her and the pets. She responded sending me the same for my family and I - it was a fairly canned response. I thought long and hard for weeks about sending the text.. I started feeling childish thinking about the pro's and cons of sending something. And I figured what the hell I'll just feel like an idiot if I wanted to say something and didn't. Sending it was probably not a good idea.. but after all is said and done it didn't bug me that much and I feel fine right now.

New Years is going to be rough... but I'll have friends around so that's cool.