I am sick and tired of trying to live up to other peoples expectations. I'm sick of always trying to please people, and trying not to dissapoint them because it brings me nothing. How can I learn to say no to people.
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I am sick and tired of trying to live up to other peoples expectations. I'm sick of always trying to please people, and trying not to dissapoint them because it brings me nothing. How can I learn to say no to people.
When you want to say no say no I had the same problem... it got to the point that I exploded and had a nervous breakdown... because I let everyone walk all over me.. so please just think about yourself for once I had to to make myself healthier
One should always try to be a decent human being, but if you got someone expecting perfection from you, they have a problem, not you.
What kind of expectations? What do you expect in return?
You have what is a co-dependant personality well kind of, you live to help and please others but not yourself which is really unhealthy, you can sit and talk to your friends and tell them how you feel or you can practice saying no its really hard but once one can do it then you'll be fine it takes a lot of self control even I myself have a very hard time saying no but if you don't do something then its going to break you down. Let the people you can't say no to, know how you feel they should understand if they are close to you..
Sounds like you are being a little hard on yourself rex.Quote:
Originally Posted by rex123
Has this been ALL your life?Or just an issue of late?
Look at this site and see yourself in the setting of boundries.
Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self
It has brought me a great piece of mind when I have tough issues to deal with and don't think I can handle them(Especially when I had the impossible standards I used to live by)
You have answered questions in this site,others see you as an asset,when are you going to see what these others see?
NO ONE IS PERFECT(you should see the red underlines under most of my posts telling me how bad I am spelling... :p )
I am also going to look for a site I had for perfectionism,I think it will help you see the folly of trying to be too perfect.
EDIT: found 'em.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perfectionism_(psychology)
http://www.coping.org/growth/perfect.htm
X2 EDIT and this site also.
http://www.holisticjunction.com/disp...cle.cfm?ID=190
Hope this helps,
KBC
Dear, Rex123.
Many people who have problems with saying no, live in a madeup illusion. Because they are very positive people by nature, they think that (mostly) the rest of the world will be the same, but this is not necessarily true. These illusions make them think that the only right thing is to be positive, act positive and say yes. They are positive people and think that the rest of the world will do the same for them when it's needed.
Sad but true, they will have to wait for a very long time for the people around them to return their willingness and help. Sometimes people do, but very often they don't. This is a very draining situation.
The only one to change this pattern is the person her/ himself. One have to take action and know that people around one will NOT change. If you want change you will have to make it yourself.
In this regard it could be helpful to answer a few questions. You can answer them here if you like, and get guidance along the way, or you can answer them to yourself and let the thought processes it leads you through make you able to make the change you need in the end.
I'll start with this one:
For how long have you been a person who can't say no?
I wish you all the best.
Illion
Intuiitive Counsellor
I haven't always felt like this. But I feel sometimes like there is so much expected of me from my parents. Like at school I get pretty good marks(usually) and my parents don't really have a reaction to my good marks, but If I get bad ones, then they do react. Like last year I got 98% on my final math midterm, and my mom said that's great and my dad said nothing, I don't even think he was lstening to me when I said it. But when I got a 72% in history the other day, my dad asked why. I've always tried my best in school so my parents would have one thing less to worry about. But I can't really remember doing anything in the last year for me! And what really pisses me off is that I do everything for my parents, and then when I need help, there is no one there. I'm just having a hard time with my dad's drinking, my mom's sickness and my brothers gone. I'm sure that I'd be crazy by now if it weren't for my dog Rex.
Is dad an alcoholic,in your opinion?
A lot of alcoholics are without compassion and the children of drunks pay the price for their habit.
My mother has this problem,she lives on pain patches and drinks daily,the mix is potentially deadly.An alcoholic(weather they admit to the problem or live in denial) won't be very receptive or responsive with support,the disease makes the idea of feelings and support for others a non issue.
Your brother left the house when?Not long ago,by your comments,and now you are the brunt of the dysfunction.That probably seem unfair to you,trying to live up to others unrealistic standards.
Look through the site I posted on boundries and begin to develop a set of personal 'rules' which the behavior of your parents has to comply to.I don't know your age,but good boundries aren't an age issue,they are a human issue.
If your dad is non responsive to your needs for acceptance,accepting you for your accomplishments and failings,you need to communicate this to him,explain how the cold shoulder has upset you when you do well,and that you are unhappy when you fall short(of your own potential,and his perception of your potential) Communication is key to learning the boundries and their effects.
Your mother is sick?Does this leave you with responsibilities outside the 'normal'? Are you feeling pressured to take care of her?Is you dads drinking causing the sickness more stress which you are now responsible for?
I will welcome more discussion,
KBC
Its not that dad drinks excessively every night. Only like one or twice a week, but when he does drink it really bothers me.
Have you let him know this,or would that become a big fight?
You can only do what you can do. They probably expect more from you because they want better for you. Talk to them and tell them that it is a lot of pressure on you that they get on you for bad grades yet do not show appreciation for the good grades.
Rex, You have to focus on the fact that your education is all for *you*.
Your education is the only thing that can't be taken away from you. :) Really dig into the books and understand how unhappy you would be if you are a stupid idiot when you grow up and have to survive in a really competitive world.
Sounds like you need some positive input from your father. Have a little private conversation with your mother(or grandmother) about your need for a better relationship with your father... she can do something about that. :)
When you have a problem to solve, take a positive road to the solution.
My very best wishes, :)
THank you guys for all your suggestions.
I'm sorry to hear your mother is sick and your father is drinking. I guess you are all having a hard time in your family. There's not much you can do with how your parents are coping with things, but you CAN do something about your own coping and hope it will have a good influence on your parents as well.Quote:
Originally Posted by rex123
It is not healthy for you to take all the responsibility for your parents. It is not healthy for you to be the familys yes-person all the time without getting anything back. I think it would be a good idea for you to start working with setting boundaries, just as KBC wisely advised you to do in other posts on this thread. While your practicing on setting boundaries I think it is important to try to break the old yes-pattern you have developed.
Do you think your lack of ability to say no started when you started school and had to show for what you had accomplished there?
Illion
Intuitive Counsellor
I'm and old-er guy and maybe way off-base, so ignore as needed but...
Remember that your parents have problems in their lives too. As you said, your mother is sick, and long term illness of any kind is demoralizing.
Remember that Dad is is dealing with your mother's illness, any doctor's bills (unless he has really great insurance), and work. I don't know what he does for a living, but if you have read the news you know that the economy is bad. This may be affecting you Dad's work as well, and he may be worried how it will affect himself and his family. The drinking may be his way to try to handle his problems (kind of his Rex), but it is not a good way.
In short, I think it's not you that has a problem. It may be that your parents have problems that are overwhelming them and you are getting the effects. They probably have no clue how they are affecting you.
If you have that talk with your Dad about his drinking, I'd start it with something like "Dad, you seem distracted lately, I know Mom is sick, is there anything else wrong.. Try to get his side of the story and then tell him your concerns. Might not work, but...
If your father is abusive when he drinks, then it is time to bring in outside help.
Perhaps starting with a relative or close family friend. But don't let it continue.
Regarding the grades. Your parents know you are a bright person and simply take it for granted that you can make good grades. They see lower grades as a sign of your not working to your potential. But we all know that sometimes things just don't connect and out comes a bad grade. They should never be abusive or or run it into the ground, but it's kind of their job to make sure you are doing good in school. It's a sign they care about you and your future. The parents I really worry about are the ones who don't care if the grades are bad.
Good luck with this, I know it is difficult.
Give Rex a pat for me.
No my dad has never been abusive but him and my brothers and my mom would fight all the time, nothing physical, only words.
And this fighting makes you a little tentative towards him?
Quote:
Originally Posted by rex123
And words can hurt every bit as much if not more than a physical slap - words somehow stay with you; bruises eventually go away. When people raise their voices my heart starts to pound.
Wish I had wise words for you - but I don't. You know we went back and forth for quite a while and I was astonished to find out you aren't legal age because you always sound so mature and "together." You've got a lot going for you. You just have to believe it.
Again, sorry - and hugs from a distance if that helps you any.
I don't know if this helps you any but I was always the obedient child, always did very well in school. My sister spent most of her time staring into the sky and counting the clouds. Get the picture? If she passed it was cause for great celebration. If I got less than 100% it was a big disappointment. Parents try to do their best but sometimes it just doesn't seem fair.
The other side of it is I've been fairly successful and my sister is still staring into the sky and counting the clouds. On the other side of this, she's perfectly happy and content. So who knows?
Just say no. no means no. set goals in your own life and your own expectations and you fulfill them on your own. Don't try to please everyone cause then you will get lost in their world and lose yourself and you don't want to do that! Just do what ever you think is right but remember nobody is perfect and yes you will make mistakes but learn from them! Sometimes people have to learn the hard way, for instince: Your tired of living up to peoples expectations and now you want to say no. You had to learn the hard way. Everyone is different and not everyone can be a doctor like a dad wants his son to be c what Im saying just say this is what I want to do I know what I want to do with my life and that's all what matters to me. If you do something that is going to be in your far future then you will going to hate what you do, don't do it just know what you want and do it (hopefully it's the rite thing to do)
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