Hello, I already posted this in an old topic but I decided to start my own threat.

I am a 30 year old woman who has never had a boyfriend in my life, mostly because of choice but also because of low self esteem and also and I am very aware of that because of some traumas in my past.

I have never been really in love before and I subconsciously and consciously reject any guy that feels attracted to me, I am comfortable with my life now but I also feel that something is not OK with me because I feel no desires of having a serious relationship.

I grew up with an alcoholic father who used to physically and verbally abuse my mom, they got divorced when I was 18 and I moved to another continent with my mom and brother right after the divorce.

At the age of 19 I was sexually abused by some guy while going out partying with my ex best friend. She asked that guy to practically rape me so I would lose my virginity because I was "too old" to be a virgin. He drugged me and I only can remember very little about it but I haven't been able to get over this really. After what my friend did to me I stopped talking to her. My mom and family never knew about this. I didn't report it, I kept it as a secret so far because the only thing I wanted is to forget about this.

Whenever I go out now, which I am not doing so much because of my work (I am a flight attendant and I am hardly ever at home and I go out more when I am working), I easily meet new guys and I get to kiss them etc they always want to get me into bed and I do love me way too much to play their games so I always reject them!

Now my biggest problem is society because I feel like not being normal, whenever people ask me about my sexually experiences I change topics and when they ask me about my ex boyfriends I make them up just to shut them up so they won't think I am weird.
I have plenty of friends, I consider myself an outgoing person but I haven't been able to talk to them about it, it's like living a lie.

Now I have 3 best online friends whom I met in a social network that are really curious about my life and I think I will open up to them but I really wanted to do it here before anywhere else because I feel I can talk in here without being judged or anything.

My mom accepts me like I am but the rest of my family thinks I am strange because they have only known 2 guys that I was dating for a while but never a boyfriend and well I have a cousin who is 36 and who hasn't married yet and everyone in my family thinks she is gay, so they probably think the same about me too.

I know I shouldn't care about what others think but I still feel embarrassed and weird.
So what would you suggest I should do, someone here suggested already I should start working on my person, like love me more etc.
I think it's a good idea, what do you think about it and also what can I do to increase myself esteem?

Btw I used to see a psychologist after the divorce of my parents but who didn't help me at all, it helped me lots more to talk about it to my friends.

Hello
It seems that you have your situation under control
What happen to you while growing up is a part of you and you have learned
Please understand that although it is good to talk to people about things the bottom line is how you have learned and where you place the events after
You seem like a good person
What you do in your life is nobodies business the main thing is to learn to be happy
Surround yourself with good people and you will learn trust and meet even met the man of your dreams
Life is yours to discover
Your actions with a man the way you talk with him the way he replies he own actions you will learn to trust
There is nothing wrong with you
You are always in control of both your mind and body -- you do not senll yourself short

I think you are already loving yourself. You don't allow yourself to have sex and be used by all of these guys you meet, which is a good sign of high morals and solid character. There is no script that people need to live by in order to be accepted by others in society. Your life is YOURS, and whatever you make of it. You seem like a beautiful and attractive woman that has so much to offer, so don't worry about being "normal" in this society. There are so many problems in this world that I don't even think I want to be normal. I also don't talk about my sexual experiences. I think it is my business, and it is disrespectful to the woman I have been with. Keep on being you, because you sound like an incredible person who has been through a lot of pain. When the time is right, you will meet the man of your dreams, until then, don't be normal, be you!

You sound better adjusted, and more in tune with yourself, so don't doubt your normal.

What you do, and the way you do it, is normal for you, so don't let society, or any other judgmental jerk, tell you otherwise.

Keep loving yourself, and enjoy the very special you.