Ask Me Help Desk - Just married no sex. I still love her but I refuse to be unhappy

I love my wife and I just got married 14 months ago. I am and have also been an extremely sexual person. That's the way I was when she met me. We dated for 5 years before we got masrried and had a great relationship, sexual and otherwise. But all of that has changed.

The problems started about a year before we got married. She stopped having sex and the problem has gotten worse. I tried to tell her that we were having problems before we got married. She seemed to think that a sex free relationship was OK and that I would adjust. I thought getting married would make things go back to what they used to be. Now that we are married things have gotten worse and I am mad at myself because now I am trapped with no way. I love her but within 6 months I started to think that I had made a mistake.

I love my wife, don't want to cheat, but I am a man. I have needs that must be met. I don't believe in adultry or divorce but I REFUSE to be unhappy. What should I do??

I think her concept of a sexless relationship is bizarre, what was she thinking? what were you thinking marrying her knowing that sex diminishes (generally) after marriage?

Anyway, you need to discuss this with her asking why SHE thinks sex is not for her, then you need to advise her that sex is normal part of a marriage and that you desire it more, then discuss and come to an agreement on frequency and type of sexual behaviours she/you like TOGETHER.

I think it is a bit selfish of her to make this decision without considering your feelings. There are other important aspects to a marriage but sex is a big one. It's only natural for two people to express that love by making love. You need to have a serious talk with her about this and mention how unhappy it is making you.

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Originally Posted by Xrayman

I think her concept of a sexless relationship is bizarre, what was she thinking?, what were you thinking marrying her knowing that sex diminishes (generally) after marriage??

anyway, you need to discuss this with her asking why SHE thinks sex is not for her, then you need to advise her that sex is normal part of a marriage and that you desire it more, then discuss and come to an agreement on frequency and type of sexual behaviours she/you like TOGETHER.

"I think her concept of a sexless relationship is bizarre"
Maybe sexless is too strong. It didn't initially start as a sexuless problem. The frequency just went down. Drasctically down initially and now it is almost at nothing. We used to have sex multiple times a day everyday. We had what we called marathons where we would just go out it all day long. There would be weekends when we would barely leave the bedroom let alone the house. Now we have sex maybe once every 4-6 weeks. Its just unbelieveable. When this problem first strated getting laid was like pulling teeth when it used to ccme so natural. I never had a problem getting sex from any woman let alone her and I just didn't understand what was going on. I thought this was her way of forcing me to propose to her. I was planning to do that anyway so it wasn't that big of a deal. But now that I'm married and I'm dealing with the same problem I just don't know what to do.

At least your wife will have sex with you, my husband and I have been together the same amount of time. I being a very sexual person as well, am having a difficult time with him not wanting sex... AT ALL. We have done it TWICE since we've been together. I too don't believe in cheating or divorce, however masturbation is slowing losing its fun...

I've about given up hope on him..

Terrible.

Sex is a part of marriage, I know people get married for deeper reasons but I think it's assumed that when you are married that you help fulfill the sexual needs of the other person. Is it ever perfect, no. There is always one partner that wants it more than the other; but with compromise the one that wants it less could agree on once a week to start; saying including a date night. To the other partner this may not be enough, but they can manage their expectations and fantasize all week about there date night and feel fulfilled.

Like most things in marriage you have to communicate about them and work at them. If you can agree on one night a week which includes a date night, she may be able to work herself into the mood with prior notice, and you may be able to be satisfied with some sex even if it isn't the amount you really desire.

I think if both of you get in the habit of sex or love making ( I would suggest in the beginning you make it all about her so she will want to come back for more ); things might even increase in frequency if she likes the experience.

Get her into counseling right away... maybe the problem can be found and resolved. In which case the marriage is saved before much time is invested in it.

Sex doesn't HAVE to diminish with time in a marriage... but you BOTH have to work at it. I've been married 17 years and we still gleefully get it on practically every day. SOmetimes more than once a day. And no we never let it become dull or routine.

If she refuses to do anything get a divorce... the longer you wait the more its going to cost you.

Have there been any new medications? Anything like birth control that would have started at about the same time as her decline in sex drive?

Has she seen a doctor?

Do not rule out medical issues. There are SEVERAL medical reasons that could cause a drop in libido.

Gently ask her why she made this decision. What is it about a sexless marriage that is appealing to her? Then, after you figure out her needs, if you disagree let her know that you are a man, you are human, and you have needs.

Perhaps something happened to her in the past? Sexual abuse? Hopefully not, but its possible. If its something like this, help her through this.

Also, reevaluate yourself. Did you marry her just to start having sex with her again? Are you willing to help her through something if it is a psychological issue?

Don't feel trapped -- that is what divorce is for. Don't think about what others will think of you. If you try all you can to help the marriage, help her and help yourself, you need to start thinking of yourself. But don't run away, think before cheating, all that.

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Originally Posted by skpjr78

I love my wife and I just got married 14 months ago. I am and have also been an extremely sexual person. Thats the way I was when she met me. We dated for 5 years before we got masrried and had a great relationship, sexual and otherwise. But all of that has changed.

The problems started about a year before we got married. She stopped having sex and the problem has gotten worse. I tried to tell her that we were having problems before we got married. She seemed to think that a sex free relationship was ok and that I would adjust. I thought getting married would make things go back to what they used to be. Now that we are married things have gotten worse and I am mad at myself becuase now I am trapped with no way. I love her but within 6 months I started to think that I had made a mistake.

I love my wife, don't want to cheat, but I am a man. I have needs that must be met. I don't believe in adultry or divorce but I REFUSE to be unhappy. What should I do?????

I am going through something similar... once in the last 5 months. Throughout the marriage sometimes it was good for a period and others not so good even before we had kids (problems started a little bit before we got married 4 years ago). My issues where revolved around my competition for his natural sex drive against his addictive one and I have settled for an unhappy situation for myself but found other things to keep me busy. I also seriously felt like I could cheat at one point and had opportunity but I know it would kill me consciously since he was my one and only (16-26) for the last 10 years and aside from that he was sweet and is sweet. But before you start wondering off you owe it to yourself to give the relationship another serious try.

Firstly, she doesn't recognize the problem... that is a problem in itself. I don't believe a "sexless marriage" should exist because when two people love each other they naturally have sex and its BS to think that a relationship evolves to that because when two people are really close they actually have better sex. Secondly, you have talked to her and she does not recognize that it is a problem but are you sure you are getting through to her? Have you clearly defined your feelings to her? When you advance her does she push you away? She really needs to understand your feelings and meet your needs or at least make some compromise (I find it a little selfish). If she doesn't you both should seek a marriage counselor to work it out since 14 months of marriage is so premature... you should be having fun in the first year "practicing" for baby making or what not! Don't feel bad though... I kind of fell in the same situation after 8 months into the marriage. She will come around but I just think you need to have a serious talk.

She trapped you into a sexless marriage. No doubt in my mind. This is a real sick situation.

You have to go to couple's counselling *right away*... asap. She may need a sex therapist, also.

Best wishes in the future,

As I said before. I would not put up with it. If you aren't going to have sex then why be married at all.

I'd give her an ultimatum... get into counseling... or she has to move out.

Life is too short to be denied the simple pleasures in life by a self centered woman. And it is self centered behaviour even if it's a psycolocial problem on her part.

Everyone is entitled to have a bad day or two every so often. But when it becomes weeks or months.. even years there IS a major problem.

Have you approached her? What is the status?

You should tell her your unhappy. Nothing Physically prevents her from having sex with you, so basically it's a decision she is OK with making everyday. Don't feel bad being mean to her. She has no concern for you and your well being if she is withholding something your priveledged to enjoy according to the vows of marriage. Ask her if she wants you to be her husband. If she says yes tell her that a sex life is a must for you in a marriage and she can't do it you don't want to be married. That should clear things up.

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The problems started about a year before we got married. She stopped having sex and the problem has gotten worse

Why in the world did you get married without resolving such an important issue?

Counseling, ASAP!!

I'm beginning to believe some people deserve their lot in life. People KNOW what someone's like then marry them anyway... then complain about being unhappy that they are they way they are.

People rarely if ever change... love what you have or move on. If you see problems then run. They aren't the only people out there. Why settle for less than what you want in life.

Get her into counseling... Don't even think about kids until her issue is resolved... and if she refuses divorce her, get on with life before any more time is wasted, and count your blessings you never had kids... It's far more difficult to correct mistakes like this when kids are involved.

I've been there with a couple girlfriends before. Luckily I saw the light before it went this far.

If the two of you had a great relationship for five years and that included good sex, there's something else going on now that has little or nothing to do with sex.

Go alone at first, if necessary, to a marriage counselor. The overriding problem(s) needs to be uncovered and worked out.

Something happened to make this healthy relationship turn sour.

Is she taking some type of meds that she was not before? Is she in a depression? Did you stop courting her and wooing her into the bedroom?

Open honest communication is key.

I realize not everyone can afford counseling but many parishes offer free counseling to their parishioners.Believe it or not even celibate priests do take classes and are well versed on all martial issues.

Best of luck!