My husband is in the military. We have been together for a little over 5 years, but only married (this month will be) 9 months. We planned on getting married when he graduated basic training. He told me that he wasn't going to be able to come home before going off to his first duty station. I was crushed! :( I thought we would never be able to get married because he was being stationed 6 or 7 thousand miles away from our hometown (across the ocean too). He actually surprised me and came home before he went to his duty station! Yay! Then popped the question... "are we still getting married while I'm home?" I was in complete shock! He was held over for 2 months after his graduation because of an inury and I had no idea he would be coming home. So, I said that of course I would marry him. That was our intention to begin with. We were going to have a small ceremony. Actually we were going to do a justice of the peace. We told our parents and they weren't about to allow that to happen. His dad booked his church and his mom booked the reception hall & the band. It was beautiful, BUT it wasn't in MY church. I am Catholic, he is not. I made my husband promise me if I married him that day back in October of last year, I could have another ceremony and plan it the way that I had always dreamt about as a little girl. He promised and so far so good. He's still going along with it. I am starting to plan "my dream wedding" for next summer. :) It will be 6 years to the day that we started dating. That's when I always wanted to get married anyway. It's in June and it will be a perfect summer wedding that I've always wanted too. We got married with a 5 day notice to family and friends. I had no planning in the colors, the flowers (although they were gorgeous) the cake, the center pieces etc... I also bought my dress THE DAY BEFORE and it had to be altered. It was not the dress of my dreams. Don't get me wrong, the whole thing was beautiful, but a lot of people were left out and a lot of my family was upset because it was mostly his family there. I have an uncle that still tells me I'm on his **** list 9 months after the fact. I have a very close Italian family & that hurts to hear something like that from your closest uncle. I had 4 family members total at my wedding. I think I owe it to them to have another ceremony, but everyone already knows that we are married. How do I go about doing all of this? Do I plan it as if we aren't married? Do I say this is a vow renewal? I never did a gift registry. We got one gift and the rest were cards and monetary gifts which is fine, but I want to do a registry. I want to do the whole 9 yards. His family did so much for us, but they also knew about this second ceremony before hand. They actually didn't think we would ever want to do it, but I bought 3 bridal magazines the other day and I have 11 months to plan. Is this selfish of me? I'm so lost. Please help! :confused:

You owe nothing to them...

A wedding should be about YOU and YOUR HUSBAND only.

Why did you only have 4 family members at the first wedding? Why didn't they all come?

If you want a second wedding, then go for it.

No one is stopping you.

Considering most of your family didn't come to your first one, they might enjoy it.

In Europe it used to be customary to have two ceremonies -- one very private in the church and another civil ceremony that was public. This was because one did not necessarily recognise the other. Much has changed since then.

I don't think modern people understand a second ceremony so you are correct in that it needs to be a renewal of vows. Those are customarily held on a significant anniversary of the original wedding ceremony. I think if you make a new date, there will be confusion for the remainder of your married life about which date to celebrate as an anniversary. You also need to be sure not to offend the wonderful efforts that went into making a wedding for you by attempting a wedding make-over. Frankly, if it was that unacceptable, you should not have agreed to it in the first place but instead insisted on it remaining a civil ceremony. Best not to attempt to have your cake and eat it too -- that always come off as selfish.

I think a good compromise to consider is a big vow renewal celebration on your fifth or tenth anniversary. In a lifetime of wedded bliss, this is not so far away and yet it is distant enough to not detract from the original ceremony. You may still be able to encorporate many elements of your dream wedding too. The uncle will just have to wait.

Your only other option is to abandon the dream wedding altogether and hold a reception-type event simply because there wasn't good access to the original ceremony. Its rather like a "coming out" party for you and your new husband. You can do this anytime soon. This would certainly satisfy those who felt left out.

You may find as time passes in marital bliss that your "dream" isn't so important and the "potluck" style wedding you had was indeed very loving and, in the long run, that is what makes the difference. I hope this is helpful to you.

First of all congratulations. If a traditional wedding in your church has always been your dream, go for it. Do it the day you want it and the way you want it. It is going to be a renewal of vows, so that is what you would want to say it is going to be. I imagine the people invited know the circumstances and would understand. If they don't, they probably would not attend. We should be able to do what we want in life (legally that is, HA) whether it is traditional or acceptable. Who is to say what is proper or not. We make our own traditions and choices. Because your husband is serving our country and you could not marry as planned, gives you more reason to go for it. You are certainly not being selfish.
You sound so happy just talking about it, it will make the time zip by while you husband is gone. Happiness is what life is all about, right? If you were to wait 5 or 6 years it would not be the same as now. You may have children, a mortgage, car payments, college funds, and would not feel you could justify spending money on a second ceremony.
The only issue you may address is the gift issue. I think you should make it known that this is a celebration of your vows and gifts are optional. You can do anything you want with the wedding plans and no one will really care. BUT if someone who already gave you a gift (money is a gift) and they feel you want another one and are not acknowledging the fact they already gave you one, they will be offended. Maybe wording it as, gifts are optional as we have already received many gifts from some of you, we just want you to join us in celebrating our vows. I am sure you can come up with something better said than that, but along those lines. Those who have not given will bring a gift and those who have will feel acknowledged.
Good luck, have fun and have a good life.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Hoping4aBFP

My husband is in the military. We have been together for a little over 5 years, but only married (this month will be) 9 months. We planned on getting married when he graduated basic training. He told me that he wasn't going to be able to come home before going off to his first duty station. I was crushed!! :( I thought we would never be able to get married because he was being stationed 6 or 7 thousand miles away from our hometown (across the ocean too). He actually surprised me and came home before he went to his duty station!! Yay! Then popped the question..."are we still getting married while I'm home?" I was in complete shock! He was held over for 2 months after his graduation because of an inury and I had no idea he would be coming home. So, I said that of course I would marry him. That was our intention to begin with. We were going to have a small ceremony. Actually we were going to do a justice of the peace. We told our parents and they weren't about to allow that to happen. His dad booked his church and his mom booked the reception hall & the band. It was beautiful, BUT it wasn't in MY church. I am Catholic, he is not. I made my husband promise me if I married him that day back in October of last year, I could have another ceremony and plan it the way that I had always dreamt about as a little girl. He promised and so far so good. He's still going along with it. I am starting to plan "my dream wedding" for next summer. :) It will be 6 years to the day that we started dating. That's when I always wanted to get married anyway. It's in June and it will be a perfect summer wedding that I've always wanted too. We got married with a 5 day notice to family and friends. I had no planning in the colors, the flowers (although they were gorgeous) the cake, the center pieces etc...I also bought my dress THE DAY BEFORE and it had to be altered. It was not the dress of my dreams. Don't get me wrong, the whole thing was beautiful, but a lot of people were left out and a lot of my family was upset because it was mostly his family there. I have an uncle that still tells me I'm on his **** list 9 months after the fact. I have a very close Italian family & that hurts to hear something like that from your closest uncle. I had 4 family members total at my wedding. I think I owe it to them to have another ceremony, but everyone already knows that we are married. How do I go about doing all of this? Do I plan it as if we aren't married? Do I say this is a vow renewal? I never did a gift registry. We got one gift and the rest were cards and monetary gifts which is fine, but I want to do a registry. I want to do the whole 9 yards. His family did so much for us, but they also knew about this second ceremony before hand. They actually didn't think we would ever want to do it, but I bought 3 bridal magazines the other day and I have 11 months to plan. Is this selfish of me? I'm so lost. Please help!!:confused:

---

To be blunt and upfront your italian family is very selfish to react that way about your first wedding. Selfish love, putting themselves first instead of your happiness.

Secondly you don't owe anybody anything as Captain stated.

I was in a very similar situation as yourself.
Im Catholic also and my hubby isn't.
In fact 3 days ago was our 2 yr wedding anniversay :D

We have civil wedding only. Which last 20 minutes - if that and there were only 6 people attending. My parents, my bro, my hubby's parents and his sister. No one of my family complained about not being invited, due the circumstances.
We decided to get married that way due to unseen circumstances.

My hubby had proposed to me 3 yr ago and when he told my parents they were overwhelmed and my dad good rest his soul was so over the moon to offer me money and pay for his only daughters wedding.

Then as I said above due to unseen circumstances all of the planning changed.
My father got terminally ill. So after discussing this with James I decided to get married civily as the most important thing to me, besides marrying James was for my father to give me away. And he did, 2 days later he passed away!

I was totally crushed, but as the years passed, I realised a full on wedding just wasn't meant to be for me and James. I used to say I wanted to get blessed or have a 2nd wedding in a church because I'm catholic but then realised I would only be a hypocrite if I did as I hardly ever attend church, but that's just my choice.

Now our next plan is at least for me and hubby to go on a nice long honeymoon :)

Captain - There were only 4 family members there because it was planned in 5 days. That's really short notice. And I think my family will enjoy coming to a vow renewal. Thanks for the post.
Valinors - I have been telling people that it will be a vow renewal. I thought that would be the proper thing to do. Thanks for the post.
Cassie - First of all thank you for the congrats. I am the happiest girl in the world being married to my husband. I met him in 6th grade, we were neighbors and friends (with a crush on each other up through school, but were too embarrassed to say so). We matured, told each other (haha) and became high school sweethearts and now we're married! (and we are also trying for a little one now too) :) I think I will still have my 2nd ceremony and have it be the vow renewal like I said. I agree with you. My husband is serving this country and we didn't marry like we would have if he wasn't. It would have been more planned out and more notice to everyone. That's why I want to do this the right way. I also want to do it before he deploys to Iraq. :( Which is supposedly the month after I intend for the ceremony to be. I think your idea about the gift thing is great! I'll do that. Thanks for the response.
Krs - The thing about my uncle is... he has 3 boys and no girls. I was his little girl growing up. I think that is why he was so upset. I believe he was supposed to be out of town on business on the day of our wedding and his wife was going out to atlantic city with her girls for the weekend. We called and left a message, but their son failed to relay the message. I know that's not our fault, but still... I already told them both (along with other family & friends that weren't able to come) that we were having another ceremony and we promised to get them an advanced notice this time around. By the way, congrats on your anniversary. And very sorry to hear about your father. :( My husband left for his first duty station the weekend after the wedding and I had to wait a month and a half to fly out. We're stationed in Hawaii for 4 years. Now that's a long honeymoon! I hope you get yours someday. And thanks for the post.
Thank you for all the wonderful advice. I'm sure I'll have more questions along the way. :)

Wish you the best of luck on your marriage, these are just some thoughts, not an answer to what you asked.

There was a wedding in a church, there is no real need for anything else, all else is honestly a large waste of money ( unless rich parents are paying for it) for a young couple who will already be in debt.

With that said, the 2nd service would be a blessing of the 1st wedding ( renewal can be used but often it is done for more longer dates 5 year, 10 year or so.

Next you started very badly, letting a set of parents tell you what you could or could not do, unless you are 16 and the parents had to sign for you to be married, you and he are adults and if parents try to force you, merely tell them thank you no. I do hope you both grow out of that, or it will ruin your marriage,
It will always be an issue that needs to be addressed or it will haunt at you forever.

Sorry not what you want to hear, but for a young solider, the last thing they need to to spend 10,000 or more on a large wedding, Even if it is the first one, Private weddings are nice and you are still just as married.

Thank you, I hope you keep us posted as to the fun you will be having planning a great celebration of your love and marriage with all of your family and friends. AND how wonderful the day turns out to be. What a great honeymoon... envy... HA

I will keep everyone posted. Thanks for all the help! :)