So once every few months/years, depending on what is going on in my life at the time, many of my old grief issues come back. (about 6 years ago my boyfriend died).

I feel I have already dealt with many of the issues, but I get very sad sometimes, especially when I am single or go on a date that doesn't work out because it makes me feel even lonelier. I am a happy person usually, but sometimes these feelings come and I don't know what to do because I don't want to make people around me uncomfortable...

Has anyone been through this? Can anyone give some advice on how to deal with things so long after they have happened? (apart from going to therapist)

Thanks

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Originally Posted by maria16

so once every few months/years, depending on what is going on in my life at the time, many of my old grief issues come back. (about 6 years ago my boyfriend died).

i feel i have already dealt with many of the issues, but i get very sad sometimes, especially when i am single or go on a date that doesn't work out because it makes me feel even lonelier. i am a happy person usually, but sometimes these feelings come and i don't know what to do because i don't want to make people around me uncomfortable...

has anyone been through this? can anyone give some advice on how to deal with things so long after they have happened? (apart from going to therapist)

thanks

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I cannot myself speak for 6 years. I have a friend whose husband has been dead 12 and at times she is inconsolable.

For me it's been a year and there are times when it brings me to my knees. It's brand new and fresh, like no time has passed.

I think it's a question of time and working it out in your own mind. No question unhappiness triggers it. For me the so called happy times, the good times, are more difficult than the bad - bad I can handle. Good by myself, not so much.

I wish I had something wise and wonderful to say to you but I don't. I guess you just have to keep walking through it. I think you have to remember to be good to yourself - no question, "life" cheated you.

And you have to talk to other people who have actually gone through this, actually been there. People who have never lost a partner simply cannot understand - parents are a different grief, children are a different grief. I'm not saying therapy or a support group. I'm just saying friends can be remarkably supportive and understand without any "pat" answers.

If you believe you have accomplished all the 5 steps of grieving you might want to go back and look at them again.

Kübler-Ross proposed these stages of grief:

* Denial: “This can't be happening to me.”
* Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
* Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
* Depression: “I'm too sad to do anything.”
* Acceptance: “I'm at peace with what is going to happen/has happened.”

Part if it is accepting that you will feel sad from time to time. It's not a bad thing, it just is. So long as it's not dominating your life, please accept that it's normal to grieve in little bits when we are reminded of a loved one that has left us.

The thing I would say most is to cherish these memories that come up, don't look at them with sadness (although that may come naturally) but add a feeling of being blessed for remembering those moments and having had that time with that person.

Over time as you learn to attach gratitude to your memories, each moment you remember will be uplifting rather than depressing.

Today marks 16 yrs since my boyfriend passed away, he was only 17 as I was 19. Today I am 35 and I grief the love of my life still, just like you it comes and it goes " the pain". I am a happy person but, when things go bad with my significant other I dwell in the past with questions. I ask why me? Why him?

I needed so much healing so I needed someone to help me deal with the grieving part, because I had hundreds of questions no one would answer.
I didn't want to see a therapist so one day I picked up a book by Sylvia Browne and I felt a big weight off my shoulders. Her book answered questions no one could answer, answers I needed to believe then.

Today the wounds open at times but, I understand things better. I know today I will see him again, it is not our time yet so till then we must live life to the fullest. They are gone for now but we are here to keep moving forward, to teach others like you and me and everyone who can't surpass this stage.

That life goes on and we will see them again when our time comes, so the ones that we leave behind don't hurt as much as we did in this lifetime.

WLW

My mom birthday was Sept 12 and she died Sept 22, 2008, On the anniversary of her death it was a very emotional time for me.

Last year my favorite aunt died x mas day and I think it just all hit me at one time. The two people I could talk to and have fun with are gone and in a few months it will be the anniversary of my aunt death.

I have been going through the cycle of grief all over again. Reading these post help me know that that it normal to grieve at times, even after someone has been gone for years.

It is normal to miss your love one's when things are going good or bad. It is a process that all people go through.

My high school sweetheart passed away 2 years ago and a year before that my boyfriend passed away too. You don't like to hear what I'm about to say but I actually DO KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. To hold someone in your arms and tell them you love the one day, to have them call you babe, to be holding their hand (such a simple loving gesture), to have them laugh with you, to have them tell you how much they love you and then to suddenly have it all ripped away, the worst part is feeling like you can't do anything about it and knowing that they still love you and that they still watch over you.
One piece of advice that really saved me was that when your loved ones come to you in dreams, thoughts etc they are trying to comfort you, I found this to be sweet until the same friend told me that this is also exhausting for them, they are trying so hard to help you though your obstacles in life that they cannot move on themselves.
I loved them both so much I couldn't bear the thought of doing that to either of them. Punishiing yourself with sadness and lonliness will not bring them any satisfaction if you want to bring them happiness then you need to wish genuine happiness for yourself.
Your boyfriend only wants to see you happy and if it was true love you will see it clearly now, forgive yourself sweetheart it's the hardest thing I've ever done and I know you can do it too xox

I don't understand the "forgive yourself" advice. Did OP indicate some sort of guilt over the death and I missed it?