Ask Me Help Desk - Jealous partner

Hello I am new to here. Neva done this before.

I am searching for reasons?

I am currently in a relationship with someone seven years my junior. He is a very jealous man. He has been married twice and both times he alleges his wives have left him for another man. His first wife sounds a nightmare as she abused their 3 children and they have no contact with her at all. I understand his insecurities and I feel I am a very understanding and patient person. However his jealously is now getting out of control. We are together most of the time apart from our working time. I have given him no reason to be jealous I feel. My work’s Christmas party is coming up and a party is booked at an hotel and because it is in Dartmoor a room has been booked for everyone to save driving home and we are being treated to use all the facilities of the hotel and the beach. When HE heard about this he went ballistic throwing insults all over the place. One of them being that in my previous job I was being subjected to sexual harassment by my big fat 25 stone boss and I left. He threw at me that I had a bad reputation for flirting in the company and I encouraged his attentions. He even intimated that I had had sex with him. This is untrue and I felt very insulted and hurt that he suggested this. I work in a professional environment as a P.A. and sex with anyone in the workplace is always a big NO NO. Lately he has been insulting me saying things like ‘you have breasts like fried eggs’ and other very personal insults. When we spoke about this he said that I provoke him to say things like that. He has been insulting me a lot lately especially my cooking and leaving everything I cook for him as if the food is disgusting (I am a good cook). He keeps pointing out what I don’t do on a daily basis! There is more but that’s basically it, the final straw was a text this morning asking me if I was seeing someone else or did I want to? I am a very loyal patient kind lady and although our relationship started great (nearly a year ago) I feel he is now pushing me away due to this unfounded jealousy.

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I am a very loyal patient kind lady

No woman should ever have to put up with emotional abuse. Ever.

I'd get out of this relationship as soon as possible before it turns physically violent.

You deserve SO much better.

Thank you for the reply. Everyone keeps telling me this but I feel so worn down by him and lack so much self esteem now that I don't feel I no my own mind anymore.

Yes, you need to get out of this relationship.

Do you have a friend or a family member that you can stay with for a few days to help get your head back in order? That may help. Sometimes "girl time" is just what the doctor ordered.

Time to go, and leave this hell behind. No one deserves that, and he does it because he can. I guess that explains two failed marriages.

That's because you ARE worn down. Emotionally abusive people destroy your will, they thrive on the power of destruction but you CAN recover. Get out of the relationship before the emotional abuse turns into physical abuse, it's only a matter of time. By the time he starts hitting you he will have broken you down so badly emotionally that you will be convinced you deserve to be beaten--NOBODY deserves to be abused. Leaving an abusive relationship is going to be one of the hardest things you've ever done but for your safety and sanity you must go.

Get away then start helping others, it's a great way to get yourself esteem back. Volunteer somewhere, anywhere. It's a long road to getting yourself esteem back but you can do it!
Ber

Thanks for the reply. Everyone is telling me this including my family. I think I am at the stage that I think I deserve this because I keep having relationships that turn out the same way, always a controlling personality, but never been in a relationship where the jealousy has been a major problem. I have been married twice myself. First time around for 22 years and had 3 wonderful children but the father and I grew apart and wanted different lives. Second time I married a complete control freak and it lasted 4 months because I realised I made a huge mistake. I was single for a while and seemed to be enjoying it when hey presto control freak no 3 popped into my life with his green eyes. I feel I am onlydestined to be with this kind of person. I'm trying to work out what it is that attracts them into my life. I feel until I work this out I cannot move on.

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I feel until I work this out I cannot move on.

Move on, and then work on it from a safe place.

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Originally Posted by sharoncdowns

I feel I am onlydestined to be with this kind of person. I'm trying to work out what it is that attracts them into my life. I feel until I work this out I cannot move on.

Become aware of your body language. When you walk do you walk erect with head up and shoulders back or do you look at the ground? Do you make and hold eye contact with people when you talk to them?

Criminals and abusers both look for easy victims. Walking with slumped shoulders staring at the ground is a victim stance. Avoiding eye contact is a sign of submission. I'm taking a wild guess here and saying your body language labels you as a victim and that's what attracts the predators into your life. There is a book called "Body Language for Dummies" that makes body language easy to understand.

Start standing and walking erect with your head held high and shoulders back. Make brief eye contact with people you pass as you walk and smile at them. Keep a smile on your face when you deal with people and see how they respond to you, positive vibes beget positive vibes.
Ber

YOU ARE RIGHT. That is me. I do at times pull myself up about it and walk with my head up high. Thank you.

My problem is how to go, I know deep down its what I should do. I have tried 3 times to leave but he finds me and talks me around again and this will happen again if I tell him I am leaving.

Leaving an abusive person is hard and can be dangerous as well. Go with "No Contact", he is not to call you or show up at your job or home. If he does tell him you're calling the police if he doesn't leave right now then follow through. There's a chance he could pose a physical threat to you. Good luck, it's not easy but it's worth it.
Ber

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Originally Posted by sharoncdowns

thanks for the reply. Everyone is telling me this including my family. I think I am at the stage that I think I deserve this cos I keep having relationships that turn out the same way, always a controlling personality, but never been in a relationship where the jealousy has been a major problem. I have been married twice myself. First time around for 22 years and had 3 wonderful children but the father and I grew apart and wanted different lives. Second time I married a complete control freak and it lasted 4 months cos I realised I made a huge mistake. I was single for a while and seemed to be enjoying it when hey presto control freak no 3 popped into my life with his green eyes. I feel I am onlydestined to be with this kind of person. I'm trying to work out what it is that attracts them into my life. I feel until I work this out I cannot move on.

U keep meeting the same person over & over again because you have not spent enough time with yourself alone, To decide who you want to be with and what is acceptable or not.

Everyone goes through some bad relationships but if they don't step out and make a conscious effort to look at why they are ending up with the same type of man over an over.

Break off with this guy. But spend time reflecting on your own life, your childhood like did some one in your childhjood treat you this way. Ur father? Mother? Siblings were people emotially un-kind to you as child. If so, you are picking that kind of people because you don't know any better, 90% of the time we pick people that remind us of our childhood because that is all we are taught.

Spend at least 3-6 months alone.

Then make list of 10-15 things you want in your next boyfriend. When you start dating again. Carry your list around with you all the time. And check for these items on your lists. If within the first few months, you know the person is missing most or the major things in your list dump the person and move on.

Make your list your guide, not your emotions.

U will find the right guy but make peace with this one. You don't need be to around this idiot for long otherwise you will never be able to leave.

That is very helpful to me and I know exactly what you are saying. I spent a year on my own and was actually enjoying living in my little flat. Then a friend suggested I did internet dating and that's why I am where I am today. I have looked deep into my childhood and I know who the controlling manipulative person was, my Father. Also I was very shy as a child and picked on a lot and bullied. My mother had mental breakdowns a lot and as her first born I was wrapped in cotton wool. They still try and do it now to me and I am 50 years young.

I know I need to work on myself and that's what I was doing when along came control freak no 3 and I slipped into victim mode again. I can say out aloud and on here 'why do I get treated this way I don't deserve it' but in my heart do I really feel it. I'm so confused at the moment. I keep thinking when he is being nice oh this is nice but its every week now that we fall out over something or other usually something I have said, done or not done. He has 3 grown up children he treats like babies and a grandson. I feel I am at the back of that list. Between us we have 3 dogs, he had 2 and I had 1. My dog is a dominant female and can be snappy. He started smacking her and the other day when she snapped at one of the bigger dogs he bit her to teach her a lesson. That is worrying me now. All my belongings are at his house; I do have my own flat which is empty just now. There is so much to think about and I'm tired of all this.