I am a 31 year mother of two boys, a 12 and a 1 year old and I'm feeling really hopeless now... I feel as if I'm losing my 12 yr old son. He seems to want to live with his father but his father doesn't care to have him. He is becoming very difficult to deal with, he lies, he is getting in trouble at school, he is lazy and the list can go on. A little over a year ago we moved in with my boyfriend so he no longer has his own space etc. I don't know for sure what has contributed to his change in attitude if it's the move or the baby. I find myself getting angry at him all the time and I know it doesn't help, I'm just so fustrated and desperate... please help

Hello AMcknz

Many young teenagers react that way, when they go through changes in the family.
By losing his own room he got the worst of both sides : losing his father, having to move, losing his own room, having to accept another father, and having an increasingly critical mother.

Give him some space. Think about how his life has changed.
Marrying your first husband and getting children was your choice.
You two getting divorced was not your son's fault.
You chacking up with your new friend neither was your son's idea.

Isn't it time to focus more on your son's needs?

:)

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It is possible that counseling could help at least to find the problem. And often at 12, he feels he is no longer special with the new baby, you with a new partner ( he most likel thought he was the "man" of the house)

Dear AMcknz,

As a person who went through a family break up as a child I wanted to tell you that your not failing at all!

Everyone deals with stress in different ways and as a soon to be teenager he is acting in typical fashion. This wouldn't change no matter what you do. My twin displayed the same behaviour when he was around your son's age he was angry, complacent, stand-off-ish to name but a few of the litany of not so wonderful words that could have been used to describe my brother.

What helped him was rugby. He got into the sport and it gave him a purpose, friends, a way to get out his aggression and an identity. An identity that one struggles to find in these years of their life, regardless of a break up, although admittedly a break up doesn't help his cause.

Bottom line is this isn't all due to one defining factor, not you or the break up or the move. Don't beat yourself up, try to encourage him to get into a hobby or something to take his mind off what is stressing him. But most of all just love him and give him time and he'll calm down and come into his own.

Hope this helps some.