I left my husband over a year ago. It’s a long story, but I felt that I had to make the choice that was safest for our then 8 week old child. My husband was emotionally abusive and a possible danger not just to himself (bipolar & suicidal) but maybe to our son and me.

I got a lot of flack from family friends and people from our church when I left. Probably because they didn’t know what was really going on behind closed doors. The only one that didn’t outright condemn my choice told me that leaving meant that I would stay single or risk committing adultery. They feel that since he never hit me and I had no proof of adultery, (it wasn’t until long after I left that the adultery came to light and I still have not shared my knowledge of it) I was not justified in abandoning my marriage vows.

However, now my (soon to be ex) husband has begun dating a very nice Christian young woman. It seems that they are not meeting with any opposition from (my former) church or his ultra-orthodox family.

They’ve declared that since I left the family and their church, I was never really one of them. I’m not sure if they mean that I was never really a Christian or I was never really a member of the family.

I am torn because when I got married I meant it to be for life. But I feel as if my hand was forced when my husband became a threat to our son’s safety. And I could not imagine that little boy growing up to believe that the way my husband behaved toward me is the way that men should treat women. I made the wrong choice when I married him, but I thought that I was doing the right thing by marrying a Christian man that I loved who came from a long established Christian family that is very active in the church.

I’ve always heard that the only grounds for a Christian divorce are either adultery or abuse. But scripturally I only find grounds for divorce when adultery is a factor, and even then it is strongly discouraged. Also, it seems that remarriage, even after divorce on scriptural grounds, is still considered adultery. So what are the real grounds for Christian divorce?

And now that I will be divorced, am I really to remain without the companionship and outlet of marriage for the rest of my life?

Just out of curiosity - what specific religion? I can address the Roman Catholic religion and annulment/divorce and to a certain extent Jewish divorces but I've never heard the part about adultery/abuse being the only grounds.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Just out of curiosity - what specific religion? I can address the Roman Catholic religion and annulment/divorce and to a certain extent Jewish divorces but I've never heard the part about adultery/abuse being the only grounds.

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Anglican Catholic - basically UBER conservative version of the Episcopalian church. But I would be curious about other Christian denominations as well. (I consider Christianity to include pretty much any denomination that believes in the Trinity.)

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Originally Posted by GirlWSlingshot

Anglican Catholic - basically UBER conservative version of the Episcopalian church. But I would be curious about other Christian denominations as well. (I consider Christianity to include pretty much any denomination that believes in the Trinity.)

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Hmm - don't know anything about Anglican Catholics and/or the Episcopalian Church. I could research but it sounds like you need someone who actually knows or has experienced this.

Well, I'm not looking for our specific church to sanction the divorce. I had to just leave our church. So I guess I'm curious about Christianity in general.

What is the Roman Catholic take on divorce and what, if anything justifies it?

I know that we in our denomination have a lot of divorced people. One close friend is now on his third marriage. One divorce, one death. God does not want you to divorce, but I think he will forgive it in certain cases. Adultery, abuse, among them. It is not up to man or any church to condem or agree with your decision to leave a potentally dangerous situation. I certainally don't.

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Originally Posted by GirlWSlingshot

Well, I'm not looking for our specific church to sanction the divorce. I had to just leave our church. So I guess I'm curious about Christianity in general.

What is the Roman Catholic take on divorce and what, if anything justifies it?

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My first marriage was Roman Catholic. As I recall - and I'm reaching back - there is no Catholic divorce, only annulment on very limited grounds. You have to prove that it never was a "legal" (Catholic) marriage. I recall incurable insanity at the time of the marriage was one of the acceptable grounds - quite frankly, I thought I qualified because I must have been insane to marry him in the first place. :)

Anyway - I had to have some grounds that it was not a valid marriage in the first place and there was no middle ground.

I WAS told that there was no objection to me getting a civil divorce but if I ever pretty much laid eyes on another man I would be committing adultery as, in the eyes of the Church, I would be married until one of us died.

Maybe things have changed. I don't know.

My husband got a "Jewish" (religious) divorce and had no problems - I believe he proved they were incompatible and that was that. (The Jewish divorce is in Hebrew so I only know what he told me.)

Wow... I grew up in a somewhat legalistic place so I KNOW of what you speak. You know, the apostle Paul didn't even give the Church the remarry even for adultry. ( Jesus did in the Gospels) Abuse is NEVER to be tolerated and I think good ol common sense needs to come into play here. The Lord Jesus would NOT want you to endure NOR you child to watch an abusive man.. PERIOD. So I don't think that it is black and white, I believe you should pray about it and be led by PEACE. I believe with all of my heart you are free to marry again but ONLY a Christian.

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Originally Posted by classyT

Wow...i grew up in a somewhat legalistic place so I KNOW of what you speak. You know, the apostle Paul didn't even give the Church the go ahead and remarry even for adultry. ( Jesus did in the Gospels) Abuse is NEVER to be tolerated and I think good ol common sense needs to come into play here. The Lord Jesus would NOT want you to endure NOR you child to watch an abusive man..PERIOD. So I don't think that it is black and white, I believe you should pray about it and be led by PEACE. I believe with all of my heart you are free to marry again but ONLY a Christian.

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OK, why only a Christian (said she, a Catholic married to a Jew)?

Christian/non christian/Jewish all have their place. For a person to marry outside of their faith starts the marriage with one foot in the grave so to speak. If a person marries within their faith at least that part of the union does not generally become a problem.

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Originally Posted by 450donn

Christian/non christian/Jewish all have their place. For a person to marry outside of their faith starts off the marriage with one foot in the grave so to speak. If a person marries within their faith at least that part of the union does not generally become a problem.

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Donn, do you actually believe this? One foot in the grave?

I don't think you can genralize like this. I'd be very curious in the statistics concerning "mixed marriages" and divorces but I'm sure there aren't any because no one much cares except for this thread.

I don't know if I'd have the guts for a mixed religious marriage because it must be pretty complicated when children come into the picture. But I wouldn't knock anyone else's "mixed marriage" because I had a non-mixed marriage and that turned out pretty badly.

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Originally Posted by classyT

Wow...i grew up in a somewhat legalistic place so I KNOW of what you speak. You know, the apostle Paul didn't even give the Church the go ahead and remarry even for adultry. ( Jesus did in the Gospels) Abuse is NEVER to be tolerated and I think good ol common sense needs to come into play here. The Lord Jesus would NOT want you to endure NOR you child to watch an abusive man..PERIOD. So I don't think that it is black and white, I believe you should pray about it and be led by PEACE. I believe with all of my heart you are free to marry again but ONLY a Christian.

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I don't have my Bible with me right now... but I was reading last night in the gospels and I got the impression from Jesus' brief words on the subject that He considered re-marriage adultery too. Where did you find that Jesus grants remarriage in cases of adultery?

Judy,
Did not expect you to agree with me about that. And it may have been a bad analogy, I have to defer to scriptures about what it says about marrying outside of the church. It is not frowned upon, but it is clearly taught that you should if at all possible marry within your church.

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Originally Posted by GirlWSlingshot

Well, I'm not looking for our specific church to sanction the divorce. I had to just leave our church. So I guess I'm curious about Christianity in general.

What is the Roman Catholic take on divorce and what, if anything justifies it?

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If the marriage is without defect and therefore valid, there is no divorce and remarriage permitted in the Catholic Church.

If the marriage is found defective, then it is void and annulled. Reasons for annulment are many.

Q. How could a marriage qualify for an annulment?
A. If any of the following conditions existed at the time of the wedding, it is possible that a marriage would qualify for an annulment:

* If the marriage ceremony was not legally acceptable to the Catholic Church (this affects only Catholics and Orthodox Christians)
* If either spouse was not free to marry
* If either spouse was not adequately prepared to understand, accept and fulfill God’s plan for married life as the Catholic Church teaches it
* If either spouse did not intend, from the beginning of marriage, to accept God’s plan for married life as taught by the Catholic Church (examples would be the refusal to have children, or to be faithful, or to marry for life.)
The Tribunal: Frequently Asked Questions

Sincerely,

De Maria

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Originally Posted by 450donn

Judy,
Did not expect you to agree with me about that. And it may have been a bad analogy, I have to defer to scriptures about what it says about marrying outside of the church. It is not frowned upon, but it is clearly taught that you should if at all possible marry within your church.

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Are you referring to the scripture that mentions people being "unequally yoked"?

(I am kicking myself for not having my little pocket New Testament with me so I can actually look these passages up.)

Well first please understand that people who condemn you without asking or knowing the facts are not being Christian, they be being nosey bussy bodies,

There are too many of them. And they hold double standards for women and men. If it is wrong for you, it is wrong for him, so their accepting him, is just a sign that those people are not following Christian teachings.

There are two levels of marriage in the US, marriage is controlled by the government and marriage is a civil contract. So with that you have the dual issue of breaking the contract that gives each specific rights to each other under state law.

From that you get a divorce, there really is no christian divorce document except though the catholic church where the Bishop gives a annulment of the marriage.

The divorce in court is the ending of the civil marriage, no matter if you are a christian or not.

The issue is that under and in a Christian marriage the husband is expected to be a Christian husband, loving and putting his wife ahead of hisself.

Obviously your husband had to be like this before the marriage, did you expect him to change?

Esp since your ex has moved on you are free to do so also.

So since we are forgiven while we should not look for ways to sin, at times life leads us into ways and things we have little control over.

In the real sense of the bible, just living together binds you in the flesh to that person ( as married) so there are many who sin of all types. But they can all be forgiven

Matt 5:32
32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.
(KJV)

Let's analize this.

According to Jesus, (and here he is addressing men, but it should be obvious that women would come under the same constaints) the only acceptable reason for divorce is adultry.

Now, if a man had an adulterous wife, divorced her, and then another man married her, he would be guilty of adultery.

So what about the first husband (or wife as the case may be)?

I can only give what I believe, and it is this:
If God grants a divorce, then you are divorced and I think you are in the same position as if your spouse were deceased.

That is only my opinion. You should not violate your conscience. Take what the scriptures say, but do not add difficulties that are not present.

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Originally Posted by 450donn

Judy,
Did not expect you to agree with me about that. And it may have been a bad analogy, I have to defer to scriptures about what it says about marrying outside of the church. It is not frowned upon, but it is clearly taught that you should if at all possible marry within your church.

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And if I had been in love with another Christian, that's the person I would have married. I did not and he was not.

My other concern is if somebody posted that White should only marry within their race; Blacks within their race; Hispanics (or anybody else) within their race, people would be screaming discrimination. When it comes to religion it somehow becomes acceptable to discriminate.

And, for the record, the Jewish part of my husband's family was not terribly thrilled - this is not just a Christian thing. Word is that they actually sat shiva. I don't know if they actually did.

Not a personal problem with you, Donn, and I hope you know that - it's just a thread on a board.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Well first please understand that people who condemn you without asking or knowing the facts are not being Christian, they be being nosey bussy bodies,

There are too many of them. And they hold double standards for women and men. If it is wrong for you, it is wrong for him, so thier accepting him, is just a sign that those people are not following Christian teachings.

There are two levels of marriage in the US, marriage is controled by the government and marriage is a civil contract. So with that you have the dual issue of breaking the contract that gives each specific rights to each other under state law.

From that you get a divorce, there really is no christian divorce document except though the catholic church where the Bishop gives a annulment of the marriage.

The divorce in court is the ending of the civil marriage, no matter if you are a christian or not.

The issue is that under and in a Christian marriage the husband is expected to be a Christian husband, loving and putting his wife ahead of hisself.

Obviously your husband had to be like this before the marriage, did you expect him to change ??

Esp since your ex has moved on you are free to do so also.

So since we are forgiven while we should not look for ways to sin, at times life leads us into ways and things we have little control over.

In the real sense of the bible, just living together binds you in the flesh to that person ( as married) so there are many who sin of all types. But they can all be forgiven

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You know, I was kind of hoping that you specifically might weigh in on this one.

I definitely understand your clarification on the points of civil marriage and divorce. Thanks, that's something that is easy to overlook, so I appreciate the reminder.

As far as knowing that my husband was like this before we got married, in hindsight, there were red flags. He was very tender and gentle with me before we married though. His demeanor changed greatly as his mental health deterioriated shortly after we got married. But if I had been older and wiser I would have seen the signs before tying myself to him for life. I was only 16 when we began dating and 19 when we married so even though my age isn't an excuse since I made adult choices, I was naïve and thought that since our relationship had a Christian foundation, we could work through anything.

So since my husband has moved on, I would be free to remarry someday? I must confess, the thought of spending this life alone is rather daunting. I don't know if I can resist my flesh indefinitely. I was a virgin when we married but am obviously no longer. And I crave that companionship that I thought would come with marriage. I know that if God's will for my life is that I will remain single then He will equip me with the ability to do so, but I don't know how.

I really appreciate your input.