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-   -   I want my daughter back and am scared of what he could still do (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=291428)

  • Dec 12, 2008, 02:33 PM
    katiekat0988
    I want my daughter back and am scared of what he could still do
    Hello,

    5 days ago my boyfriend who lived with called me at work at 5:30pm, to tell me he had dropped our 3 month old daughter in the shower on accident. He had to get me at 6:00pm from work. She was rushed to the er and is still in the hostpital for head truma. He lives on a friends couch now and we are separated. I don't know if his story is real or not. I don't know if he hurt her on purpose or not. I am a domestic voilence vitctum from him for about 10 months, since I was 2 months pregnant. We had only been together for one month and then I got pregnant. Being away from him for the past 5 days I'm realizing how serious this was. He had me thinking I deserved to get hit, spit on, called names, thrown to the floor, chocked and so on. He kept saying my family won't help me and I had no friends. H e kept saying he would get consuling and never really did. I work 10 hour days as an accountant and he stayed home with the baby. I keep thinking he wouldn't hurt his own, but I'm thinking that was wrong. CYFD took her away from us on Sat morning, thank god my parents will be her foster home until I am clearied to have her back again full time. My question is the social worker said the only thing we have on you is "failure to protect", why didn't you leave. The truth is I have no idea, I keep think he was getting help and how could he hurt his own child. When I saw him with her he seemed gentle with her, but during the day when he was alone who knows. I wish I would have left but I didn't for reasons of fear and thinking things would be OK and I didn't know I would get help from my family. I'm sacred to death they won't give her back to me full time, because of the failure to protect and how I didn't leave him. As of now he is gone, I do not want that man around my child alone and I don't want him around me. What should I expect from the courts and the criminal investigation that they have to do on both of us. Even though I wasn't home when this happened I still lived with him, knowing he hurt me. Please give some advice or something??
  • Dec 12, 2008, 02:42 PM
    JudyKayTee
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by katiekat0988 View Post
    Hello,

    5 days ago my boyfriend who lived with called me at work at 5:30pm, to tell me he had dropped our 3 month old daughter in the shower on accident. He had to get me at 6:00pm from work. She was rushed to the er and is still in the hostpital for head truma. He lives on a friends couch now and we are seperated. I don't know if his story is real or not. I don't know if he hurt her on purpose or not. I am a domestic voilence vitctum from him for about 10 months, since i was 2 months pregnant. We had only been together for one month and then i got pregnant. Being away from him for the past 5 days i'm realizing how serious this was. He had me thinking i deserved to get hit, spit on, called names, thrown to the floor, chocked and so on. He kept saying my family won't help me and i had no friends. H e kept saying he would get consuling and never really did. I work 10 hour days as an accountant and he stayed home with the baby. I keep thinking he wouldn't hurt his own, but i'm thinking that was wrong. CYFD took her away from us on Sat morning, thank god my parents will be her foster home until I am clearied to have her back again full time. My question is the social worker said the only thing we have on you is "failure to protect", why didn't you leave. The truth is I have no idea, I keep think he was getting help and how could he hurt his own child. When i saw him with her he seemed gentle with her, but during the day when he was alone who knows. I wish i would have left but i didn't for reasons of fear and thinking things would be ok and i didn't know i would get help from my family. I'm sacred to death they won't give her back to me full time, because of the failure to protect and how i didn't leave him. As of now he is gone, I do not want that man around my child alone and i don't want him around me. What should i expect from the courts and the criminal investigation that they have to do on both of us. Even though i wasn't home when this happened i still lived with him, knowing he hurt me. Please give some advice or something???

    No telling how this will play out - obviously CYFD (what does that stand for?) will do a complete background and a complete investigation on both parents and make a determination they believe is in the best interest of your child. You might end up with supervised visitation for a while and maybe some parenting classes but the other side of this is you were afraid of him, it's hard to go, maybe you thought he would change, you never saw him abuse the baby. You aren't a mind reader.

    Failure to protect is certainly a serious charge, particularly if you knew or should have known the child was in danger but it doesn't sound like that is the case here.

    Are you able to afford an Attorney to represent you? I would not go through this without an Attorney if you can possibly afford one.

    You have to keep your wits about you. You are your own best witness here.

    Right now are your visits with your child ordered to be supervised or monitored? Are you allowed to be with the child?

    And keep in mind - the fact that he abused you doesn't mean you knew or expected that he would abuse your child.
  • Dec 12, 2008, 02:42 PM
    DoulaLC

    Make sure he is out of your lives. Do whatever it takes to move passed your need/desire to be with him. If you have the option of moving back home with your parents for awhile, do so. You need to show that you have ended that relationship. Were any of the incidents between you and him documented?
  • Dec 12, 2008, 02:59 PM
    katiekat0988

    Well, first of all, I'm done with him I don't care where he is or how he is. I shut off his cell phone because it was in my name and I closed his account because I had opened one for him. I want to be detached from him all the way. See, he never controlled me in the since of what I can wear or my money, he just made me feel like, well, if I didn't tell him to do this then he might not have gotten so mad at me and came at me. Everyone should be able to speak their mind without feeling like the other one will hurt them. I will have a public defender if this goes to trial. I have an appt with a crimes against childern investigator on Monday, he wants to interview me first. I just don't know how to explain to him why I stayed, its eating me up. I wish I had left and I didn't. Today was the first day I saw her for a week, and a social worker was there. The visit was an hour. He isn't allowed to see her in the hospital because on his way out the night she was taken he put a hole in the wall on her floor in the hospital because he was so mad they were taken her away. So, he pretty much showed his anger to the investagor and social worker that night. I just want her to be home with me full time and in a new home. I'm looking for houses to rent so she doesn't have to come home to the same apartment, it has an erie feeling to it. I just want to know that other women have been in my situation where they didn't hurt there child and the father was absuive to the woman and now there child is gone. I want to know that there are cases where they give the baby back to the mom and how long will it be?
  • Dec 12, 2008, 03:04 PM
    JudyKayTee
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by katiekat0988 View Post
    Well, first of all, i'm done with him i don't care where he is or how he is. I shut off his cell phone becasue it was in my name and i closed his account becasue i had opened one for him. I want to be detached from him all the way. See, he never controlled me in the since of what i can wear or my money, he just made me feel like, well, if i didn't tell him to do this then he might not have gotten so mad at me and came at me. everyone should be able to speak their mind without feeling like the other one will hurt them. I will have a public defender if this goes to trial. i have an appt with a crimes against childern investigator on monday, he wants to interview me first. i just don't know how to explain to him why i stayed, its eating me up. I wish i had left and i didn't. today was the first day i saw her for a week, and a social worker was there. the visit was an hour. he isn't allowed to see her in the hospital because on his way out the night she was taken he put a hole in the wall on her floor in the hospital because he was so mad they were taken her away. so, he pretty much showed his anger to the investagor and social worker that night. i just want her to be home with me full time and in a new home. i'm looking for houses to rent so she doesn't have to come home to the same apartment, it has an erie feeling to it. i just want to know that other women have been in my situation where they didn't hurt there child and the father was absuive to the woman and now there child is gone. i want to know that there are cases where they give the baby back to the mom and how long will it be?

    Certainly there are cases when the baby comes back to the Mom - how many and where, nobody knows. I see no grounds here for taking the baby permanently, based on what you've posted.

    How long? You'll have to prove yourself and it sounds like you are doing that.

    This is the legal board - I get annoyed when people give personal advice BUT you have to be a little bit kinder to yourself. Would you have stayed if you had seen this coming? Of course not. So you did the best you could for yourself and your child. You are STILL doing the best you can for your child. You are making a new start.

    Don't beat yourself up or you can't stay strong and rational.
  • Dec 12, 2008, 03:14 PM
    katiekat0988

    Thank you for the advice. I just wish I would have known because when they looked her over very well there were a few older injuries, which shocked me. My thing is he said he dropped her at 5:30 he should have been on his way to get me from work at 5:30 to be at my work at 6:00. My friend pointed out that a brusie usually takes a while to appear. He dropped her at 5:30 and I saw her at 6:30-6:45 in the er with a brusie on her front right head, there were 2 small brusies on both checks, they said there was a brusie in her mouth. Then they went on in the meeting about how there was an old head injury not as serve and they believe she as shaken baby syndrome, but so far looks OK, but not sure if there are any long term damages. I'm so mad because I worked so hard to keep her healthy inside me and she was born perfect and now there could be issues, because I was so blind to him thinking he wouldn't hurt her. I know the state has to investigate me too, I just hate him for all he has done to her and me. I do know he can never hurt her again and she is safe. I just think that from those brusies they would have taken longer then an hour to appear, it makes me think he had done this to her during the day and realized he had to come get me and they started appering and he paniced. We also fought over the phone almost all day and I was trying to tell him to find another place to live in a few weeks. He could have taken his anger out on her for all I know.
  • Dec 12, 2008, 03:26 PM
    DoulaLC

    You are certainly not the first to go through a situation like this... as JudyKayTee said, you are taking steps in the right direction.
    Sometimes it is easier to make changes for our children than it is for ourselves... keep moving forward. I wish you well...
  • Dec 12, 2008, 05:03 PM
    cdad

    Have you filed for a restraining order yet ? If not maybe you should. Now that you have seen the light and are becoming pro-active it would be a start to ensure that you no longer want to deal with this person.
  • Dec 12, 2008, 05:34 PM
    JudyKayTee
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by califdadof3 View Post
    Have you filed for a restraining order yet ? If not maybe you should. Now that you have seen the light and are becoming pro-active it would be a start to ensure that you no longer want to deal with this person.

    Excellent and I missed it - good point. Good advice. I hope OP is listening.
  • Dec 12, 2008, 08:39 PM
    katiekat0988

    Well, if he isn't threanting me now, can I still get a restraining order?
  • Dec 12, 2008, 08:43 PM
    Fr_Chuck

    I would even be looking at pressing charges on any and all abuse that happened even in the past. Time to play hard ball against him, Time to get your own attoreny to protect your rights and that of the children

    And time to start making better choices about any other adult in the children's lives.
  • Dec 12, 2008, 08:46 PM
    katiekat0988

    Is it normal for me to feel scared I won't get her back? What reasons can they come to that says I won't get her back and she stays with my parents. I love my parents and they are so good, but I want to be a mom without him involved, its just I should have left early and I didn't.
  • Dec 12, 2008, 08:47 PM
    cdad
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by katiekat0988 View Post
    well, if he isn't threanting me now, can i still get a restraining order?
    Yes, you can get one because of past behavior. You need to build a wall between yourself and him. In this instance its fully warrented. I would also look into getting one for the daughter also as soon as you get custody back.
  • Dec 12, 2008, 10:00 PM
    katiekat0988

    What are my chances of getting custody back and them dropping me from the criminal investigation for "failure to protect"?
  • Dec 13, 2008, 07:01 AM
    JudyKayTee
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by katiekat0988 View Post
    what are my chances of getting custody back and them dropping me from the criminal investigation for "failure to protect"?


    Without looking at the results of the investigation it is impossible to say - anything to the contrary is simply a guess, educated or not.

    No one knows but the Judge (at some point in time).
  • Dec 13, 2008, 01:36 PM
    katiekat0988

    Have you seen cases where the mom gets the child back within a month of the child being taken away?
  • Dec 13, 2008, 02:55 PM
    JudyKayTee
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by katiekat0988 View Post
    have you seen cases where the mom gets the child back within a month of the child being taken away?


    No. In my area it takes much longer than that for the investigation to be completed due to the workload of the social workers and investigators.

    That's not to say it's not possible. I've just never seen it unles the charges are absolutely false and, of course, there is an injury involved here.

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