Hi, I have 4 children, 23,20,14,12. I have never bonding with my 20 year old daughter. We do not like each other at all. I think since she was 4 she gave me trouble and my husband always stuck up fer her and not backed me up. I want to be close with her , but I can't. She goes to college near home , I wish she would have went away for school. She is going to school to be a nurse, and working PT. My husband and her are close, I think I resent that. I have never liked her ,I love her though. My other kids Iam fine with. We are close. I see her car in the driveway when I get home from work and I cringe, thinking why can't she be a t school or work. I told my husband, When she moves out we will probably be good friends. She can not afford to move out until schoo is over. I feel like a real bad mom and I can't help it. Please give me some advice on this mother -daughter relationship. I can't even be in the same roon as her sometimes... I hate it. My mom would turn in her grave if she knew I was doing this to my own daughter. My mom always knew It was hard for me to get close to my daughter, she told me to never give up.
Thank you,
Terri : (

Your mother sounds like she was a very wise person.

Kids like adults need their space which you're providing. Are there any kind moments where you make her a meal to take on the run?

Terri, first off congratulations on your blessing of four children and I'm assuming that they are all healthy. You are blessed. I wish you could imagine what your daughter must go through knowing, sensing and feeling that she is not your favorite person in the world and that her mother isn't her biggest fan. Is she just like you? Are there things about her that you don't like because they are the things in you that you don't like? No doubt that your daughter is fully aware and hasw probbably always wondered how to get on your good side. Her relationship with her father is not enough and comes most likely out of the fact that you'all have a difficult time being close. COUNSELING. You need to really get to the heart of what is going on here and get it fixed, you have set the pace for mother daughter relationships in your daughters extension of the family forever. It can be stopped and maybe one of them will stop the cycle but at 20 the years of abuse... yes ABUSE are already done. When as an adult you have a problem with a child I don't get it and I assume the problem and the burden to fix it is on the adult. My hope for you and your daughter particularly at this time of year is that you can heal. Give her the gift of forgiveness and move on, whatever you are holding on to was yours to begin with, she was only a child. Pick on someone your own size. <- I say that in the nicest way possible. Good Luck, learn to like her, our children have so much to give.

I cannot believe you would say that you do not like your daughter.

Try to see if from her point of view, you have 4 kids and you get on with all of them but her? She is probably heartbroken whether she admits it or not. She only gets one mom and her mom won't grow up, put herself in counseling and deal with the issues she has.

Bottom line, find a way. You will regret it if you don't. It might not be easy but you have to do it. Like I have said, I would strongly recommend going to a counselor.

Best of Luck.

Yes... you should see a counselor.

Was this the only child that your husband stook up for over you? That might be where the problem started.

I have faith you will get pass this.

Do something really nice for her in the time being. She will appreciate it and it will make you feel good inside.

God bless :)

From a mans stand point Your are no way a bad mom. I have grown daughters first marriage( divorced) re married, My daughtes are very different towards. I have a 22 year old that moved in.( great) To me this looks like a case of your one daughter when young learned how to work dad and gave him more attetion and then she became Daddys little girl and she learned how to control you through dad. Now dad got sucked into it. Sorry if this sounds crude but it not unlike you two owning 4 dogs and I know If I visted your house eventually will will say that dog in mine and you husband will say this ones my special dog. Even though you both got the dogs togther. It a human nature thing than can trap us very easily. Be patient keep loving and be apart of your daughters life no matter what. She only 20, you never know some day dad may really get her mad and you are now her friend/mom.

I agree 100% with 21boat. I know what you are going through. I unfortunately grew apart from my daughter through the years. I can not say I do not love her, I have always loved her but sometimes situations can make it hard and the bond is either lacking or not there. I am sure your husband sticking up for her was a large part of the problem because being made the 'bad parent' can and will pit you against each other.
If you can get her to go to lunch and discuss the problems and tell her you want to work things out because you really want to be close I am sure it is worth a try.

I don't know what to say to you. I just posted something similar execpt I am on the other end. I am the daughter. I don't know how your daughter feels but it kills me that my mom treats me the way you do to your daughter and I wish I could never speak to her again but I need money from her. I think she should have never had me. If you don't like her then give her the money to move out. By leaving it will make both of you happy. I don't think there is anything you can do. The damage is done. Reading this makes me sick. Cringing when you see her car in the drive way. I really hope this was a joke.

At least you face the problem you have with your daughter. My mother will never call me, I always call her and she acts like I have done something horrific.. she told me a few years ago that she fell pregnant with me when my dad was having an affair... I truly believe she didn't want me and in a sense blames me for what my father did.. She totally adores me elder sister who can never do wrong, buying her lavish gifts of hi fi systems etc.. sure it is her money but it hurts as I have been a single mum for many years.. it is the principle... the only time I hear anything from them through my sister is when they want me to look after mum for 2 weeks... nursing job material!! I wonder why women have children if they can't love them... if I parted rivers it would not be good enough so I have detached from them recently so I can haver the therapy I need to help me