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-   -   A Poem that came to me while riding a bus. Suggestions? (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=291154)

  • Dec 11, 2008, 06:26 PM
    follow please
    A Poem that came to me while riding a bus. Suggestions?
    These power lines trace our maps
    like information on a graph
    Traveled by the working class
    rushing, running, shuffling for a place

    Hear gentle cries and screams
    from the future generation
    seeing hordes of vehicles
    predict the complications

    Flocks of seagulls pepper the sky
    only to turn to ash
    Plumes of poison drift through the air
    like drift wood down a lazy river

    These power lines hum like a religious chant
    carrying death
    but no the death that comes to mind
    but Eventual

    Mr.Sewtan-Ty running frantically
    with cinder blocks on his shoulders
    a ball and chain locked to his leg
    feeling as if he can never grow older...

    Like sheep we run from danger
    that has face value
    we've no instinct for a silent fight
    until the world slows

    Stops spinning, stop glowing
    human life will stop growing
    Open your eyes
    and conceive the knowledge
    Someone else's problem
    is exactly what you'll call it.

    * If you wouldn't mind, id love some feedback on how it is, some corrections, better structure, wording, ryhming. Everything. I'd love to learn how to write better.
  • Dec 11, 2008, 06:36 PM
    Akoue

    This is a very good draft. You clearly have real ability.

    A few things:
    Definitely do not rhyme.
    You use the word "like" too often. Try to find a way around it. (In writing you sometimes have to find a way around certain word. You may need to do this by reshaping the line.)
    The poem is spare, and that works given its content. One thing that might contribute to this is if you were to use fewer articles (especially "a").
    The final stanza is quite a departure from the others, and this doesn't altogether work. I like the second person here: it arrests the reader. But the other stanza take their time and this one feels hurried.

    Good luck with it. I enjoyed reading it.
  • Dec 11, 2008, 10:18 PM
    follow please

    Thanks Akoue! It sounds like you know a thing or two. To be honest, I love to write poetry, but find myself a little displeased with the final product. If you wouldn't mind, id love for you to share some thoughts and insights with me, teach me a few things. I write random stuff like this all the time. Sometimes, ill just be sitting in class thinking about... ohh lets say the Renaissance, and how it effects our world today, or maybe the genocide in Zimbabye and whatnot. Ill form some nice lines, write them down, and insert them later. Some help would be appreciated. There are two others I think, if you'd like to look at those, and ill post more.
  • Dec 11, 2008, 10:20 PM
    follow please
    And yeah you're right, the last stanza was like a "quick draw" type of thing. I just wanted to cap it off to put on here. I just want to know if my writing is any good lol
  • Dec 12, 2008, 03:21 AM
    Akoue

    Happy to help. Just give me a heads up when you post one so I don't miss it.

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