I am just looking for some advice abut how to let go emotionally from a guy that I haven't successfully let go of for the past 7 years( despite trying many times). I am posting in this thread because I know that it is not normal to be emotionally stuck in this situation for such a long time. I love him, have always loved him, and he says he likes me friendshipwise. He didn't start saying this of course & we were spending more time together & I just got closer and closer to him. He became one of my best friends, and someone I could go to to guide me in some life situations. He's done some mean things to me as well, but like I said its been a long ride for the past 7 years. Ive had boyfriends.. just to get him off my mind. They never work because my feelings have been so attached to him that I would always find fault with who I was dating.

Im now dating someone where although we have our issues, I do care about him a lot. But.. the physical attraction isn't the same & I find myself missing the other guy. But now he has a girlfriend & I have been trying to be civil about things and listen to him talk about his relationship & about mine as well. But I told him its hard for me.

Anyway, it really hurts that he went and asked someone else to be with him when I have been in his life for so many years. Its painful & I just have this feeling of being " passed over" & its seriously messing with myself esteem.

I know that I NEED to heal, but I literally don't know how at this point. Ive tried so many times by not seeing him or talking to him, but after a couple months I miss him terribly no matter where I am and who I'm with. I just feel like I want to talk to him, so we may talk, but after a couple of weeks or a month we end up sleeping together again & my feelings come back.

I know that it is so stupid, but I am just looking for a solid way that I can look at him as a friend, and be OK with that. I say this because he's been a part of my life for so long, and is one of the people who knows me best. He is so familiar and such a bright spot in my life that I don't want to let go totally. But my feelings for him are so hard to deal with at the same time. Any suggestions would help. Thanks!

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Originally Posted by Kia

I know that I NEED to heal, but I literally don't know how at this point. Ive tried so many times by not seeing him or talking to him, but after a couple months I miss him terribly no matter where I am and who I'm with. I just feel like I want to talk to him, so we may talk, but after a couple of weeks or a month we end up sleeping together again & my feelings come back.

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This paragraph sums up the root of your problems Do NOT sleep with him, he is using you. He only wants to be friends yet he sleeps with you... hmmm... NEVER talk to him again, NEVER see a pic of him again, NEVER do anything else that reminds you of him AGAIN. You are the one who keeps bringing the pain back upon yourself. Quit opening a wound again and again! How many times would you keep punching a brick wall to see if it hurts?

You will never get over this man until you cut ties completely, no matter how hard it is. It'll be worth it in the end. You have wasted 7 years, you don't want to waste any more. Be strong.

Yes that is my problem.. being strong. Its like no longer talking to a best friend, and best lover...
I guess Im looking for advice for what to do during those times when I just want to talk to someone who really understands me & who shares the same interests as I.

Or just those times where I am truly missing his conversation and overall vibe. Its like this intense missing of him that I experience if I haven't talked to him for about 3 months. Or so.

I've never felt like that about someone, so I thought maybe it meant something... but anyway I guess Ill try.. again..

You just need to pretend like he is dead... harsh as it is, but your sanity matters more than anything. He isn't an option anymore, so don't make him one.

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Originally Posted by Kia

yes that is my problem..being strong. Its like no longer talking to a best friend, and best lover....
I guess Im looking for advice for what to do during those times when I just want to talk to someone who really understands me & who shares the same interests as I.

Or just those times where I am truly missing his conversation and overall vibe. Its like this intense missing of him that I experience if I haven't talked to him for about 3 mos. or so.

I've never felt like that about someone, so I thought maybe it meant something... but anyways I guess Ill try.. again..

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I know how that feels to feel like you need someone who understands you and shares the same interests as you. I go through thought patterns like this. It gets easier after a while of no contact.

If it was meant to be, it'll happen. But I'm sure there's a better person out there waiting for you and you're not going to meet him unless you cut ties with this man.

Yea my heart has been pretty wrapped up for a long time. The other part is that he's not a bad guy. It would probably be easier if he was.
I get to thinking am I stupid for letting go of a nice guy, who doesn't mean any harm to me except that he doesn't feel the way I do?
Am I giving up a good friendship because I can't handle my feelings..

Ive just been hoping for a middle ground.I guess that's the other hard part about the situation..

My opinion: a guy that sleeps with you when he clearly knows you want more than friendship is not a good guy... just my thoughts.

Is that true? I thought about that, but people keep telling me that men are men, and will chase "tail" ( putting it as nicely) if they know they can get it.

Now I have never chased him down, he's just always seems to know when to call me to check up when I've started to really miss him.

The "men are men" BS is exactly that.. BS. I would never use or hurt another woman just to get laid. That is absolutely garbage and unclassy. Boys do that, men don't.

Lady you had better listen to the posters here, as there advise is dead on, and you will never, ever, get over him as long as you think he is a friend, and sleep with him.

Just because he knows where all your buttons are, and when to push them, doesn't make him a friend.

Cut all contact or be happy being his booty call.

Yes I guess thast is true. We get along so well that I just developed this "if only" feeling with him for so long; if only I was smarter, more attractive, skinnier.. etc. Ive run through all of those & made myself better hoping that some of these were the missing piece. And to now feel that Im still not good enough for him is so hard to deal with.
I mean what does that say about me that I couldn't get a guy that I love to want to be with me after almost 7 years? Like what kind of loser am I? This is how I feel, and I just get weak sometimes and decide to talk to him when he calls.

I know its wrong to question my own worth, but in this situation its hard & I don't know if time can fix that.

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Originally Posted by Kia

yes i guess thast is true. We get along so well that I just developed this "if only" feeling with him for so long; if only I was smarter, more attractive, skinnier..etc. Ive run through all of those & made myself better hoping that some of these were the missing piece. And to now feel that Im still not good enough for him is so hard to deal with.
I mean what does that say about me that I couldn't get a guy that I love to want to be with me after almost 7 years? like what kind of loser am I? this is how I feel, and I just get weak sometimes and decide to talk to him when he calls.

I know its wrong to question my own worth, but in this situation its hard & I don't know if time can fix that.

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This is an absolutely stupid thing to say! You need to learn some self confidence. Do NOT EVER do something to get someone to like you. If you don't like something about yourself, then cool... change it, but don't just do it to be accepted by someone. If someone can't like you for you, then screw 'em. You are beautiful as it is and do not need this man to accept you. Learn to love yourself and have some confidence in yourself before anything else. No opinion matters as much as yours! :)

And the funny thing is he says that when we first started talking he would always see me around town with different guys, so he wasn't really sure about me. I don't think I believe that's the reason why he's never wanted a relationship. But, I did date a lot while I was dealing with him, to primarily get my mind off HIM ( and to boost myself esteem since Ive cared for so long). And it was just my luck that some of them knew him, or were friends of his... which I didn't know at the time. I feel like my attempts to moving on backfired. Its just hard

Your not a loser, just someone who is stuck, and having a hard time healing.

Start with no contact, and stay out of relationships, and dating (ugh!! ) and start doing things for yourself that make you happy.

As you grow and learn, you will find that you don't have to depend on anyone, but yourself to be happy. Make friends, not lovers.

Its a lot of hard work, but your worth it.