My husband & I have been married about 2 years now & I'm questioning why we're still together. I had trust issues w/him from day 1, because he cheated on me while we were engaged. It was not a physical relationship (I'm pretty confident in this assertion), but he had emotional ties to someone while I was completely unaware. I found out by peeking through his Blackberry while he was sleeping one night. We lived in separate cities, & yet I (at that point) decided to give it another chance. I loved the guy. I took my time gaining back his trust, & honestly (naive-ly) I did not ever question him dealing w/other girls. I don't know why, but I did re-gain that trust back fairly quickly. We got married. Shortly after our marriage, he starts hiding financial information from me. He closes OUR bank account, transfers all of our wedding money into a new account w/just his name. I get letters from our landlord saying our rent has not been paid, yet when I say I want to discuss this w/them, he says, "I'll do it" & gets furious. Long story short, he hides financial info. From me. He hides what he earns, does not have me on the bank account, & has credit cards I didn't know existed. Last week, I found out all of our wedding money is spent & he borrowed from his parents--something I would've opposed. He did not even give me the respect to talk about it & make me aware of our finances. I do not work because I am a full-time student, but one thing is for sure--I live like a student. I don't waste because I'm not earning. I know how to get by. But if I'm not told of what's coming in, how do I function? I've asked numerous times, & even contacted the bank myself. He changes the passwords, or literally lies to me about it. We are now in counciling because I just do not know how to communicate w/this guy. I have tried every approach--speaking softly, yelling, questioning.. everything. My father spoke with him about how he should not hide finances from me, he said he would and yet has to. This was over 6 months ago.
Well, aside from ALL of that, I came to find a slew of porn on our computer. He's been frequently checking various porn sites throughout the duration of our marriage. This hurts. We spoke about it once, & he was saying he never does that. I expected it while we were apart, & I never said anything to him. We were far away, I'd rather he sit in front of a computer and masturbate than go out physically try. And besides, I wasn't there. Now I am here every day. There have been times where he cannot "rise" to the occasion, yet I see he looked at porn frequently. He lied about it at first, until I proved it. Then, when cornered, admitted that he looked a few times when I was away or had my period. I checked through our server history (I'm ridiculously slick w/computers), I noticed he looked frequently. He also had numerous videos downloaded onto our comp. He went out of his way to try to delete it, I just think it's wrong. I think it's wrong that we spoke about it and he couldn't be honest? Or the fact that he went through hurdles to hide this from me. Or the fact that he looks so frequently? And at specific people? It just hurts really bad. I look at him like he is so sleazy, & I just can't have him look at me. He says he needs a "release" when we are going through other things, but never considered that I may have needs myself? I just feel like he has no value for our marriage. First the finances, now finding some of the sleaziest garbage on our computer? I really just want to get away from him. I don't even want to be his friend, how can I sustain a marriage with this guy? I feel as if he has no respect for me & no regard for our marriage. I'm just really let down, & generally miserable for the most part. I try to focus on my own life & get things done for myself & not try to think about this. But it's like there's an elephant in the room. We don't communicate, I've exhausted myself trying. We are in marriage counciling, but as soon as we leave, maybe a day or two later, I just start to look at him with a sort of disgust again. I know it sounds harsh, but I question this guy's character quite often. I feel like I jumped in this, & I blame nobody for that but myself. I don't want to "quit" w/out a fair fight, but I'm on my own here. He's proven to have very little, if any, respect for me. He's proven that he'd rather do as he pleases instead of discussing things with me. He's proven that he is not ready to be, or not passionate about being, married. And I don't feel as if it's fair to me. Everyone keeps telling me it's going to be harder on me (I come from a very cultured old-school family who completely disagrees w/divorce). I don't need to hear that when I'm feeling like this. I just honestly do not know what to do. I can't continue to feel this way.

Can someone please help me figure out what I can do, myself, to make this situation better? I am willing to make positive changes, I just feel as if I am alone. And after seeing what I recently did, I realize I never knew this guy at all. And I feel cheated and betrayed.

He is lying to you all the way around. Really you can say you are married to a total stranger. You need to get away. You say you know how to get by... get by without him. Can you move back with your parents or a friend or the dorm. You are living with a stranger and a liar. It will not change. You figure if he is hiding money he must be hiding where it goes to... gambling, porn, women, addictions,.

He "used to" gamble. I never suspected an addiction. Alcoholism is rampant in his home, and I'm always a bit concerned when he sits alone on the couch and "has a drink". And the porn.. He says it was randomly, but judging from our computer (which I trust), it was frequently. He does not open up and speak to me, I have given him plenty of opportunities. I've been trying my hardest for the past few years to read this guy and figure out how to change my approach in order to get through to him. But nothing. He simply does not have the ability to think of anyone outside of himself. I'm starting to see it clearly.

You will never get through to him. The only thing that you will get through to him is 'enough is enough and you have had more than enough' when you pack your bags and LEAVE this self absorbed stranger!

I would say one last demand that the money be put in a joint account, not "I take care of it" but get in the car now and go to back,

Ifhe will not, I would have the locks changed when he tried to come home.

I am not sure I would want my name on his accounts.

Wow. Thank God you've only been married for 2 years. I assume you don't have any kids.

Leave this sicko immediately. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it with a liar, control freak, and porno addicted misogynist. The temporary hassle and emotions of a divorce will be nothing compared to the pain of continuing to be married to him

Hi Diorgirl,
You ask us why your husband behaves the way he does? We can not answer it for you, all we can do is give some advice on what YOU can do.
It is obvious he does not treat you with respect, why are you letting him do it to you? What is actually making you stay there? Is it finances, parents, fear of being alone?
Only you can answer these questions. I suggest you sit down and work it out in your own head why are you still in this relationship, and what are you hoping to get out of it. You have to do this on your own.
Next, some rules that are a must for you to have in a relationship, then you sit down with your husband, and lay down some rules that are a must for you. Whether he chooses to cooperate or not is hard to say, but this is the time to put yourself, and your needs first.
You need to see this as the most important job interview of your life!! Your are hiring a person to work with you for a very long time. If it was your business you would aim to hire the person with the most suitable skills! You want someone who is honest, and will not steal; someone who is a team membe and will support you,, etc!
Marriage is the same, and 100 times more important.
Finally, its easy to say - " leave him!!etc" but we all have been in similar situations at one time or another, it is the hardest decision to make, and even when you made your mind up, its hard to act..
So, after everything, you do need to make a decision. It may not be today or tomorrow, but it is something you will have to do, if you are not ready for it now, don't force yourself.
Lastly this is still your life, make the most of it, with or without your husband.
Good Luck.

Yes - very good reply - you could end with a disease or saddled with tons of debt upon divorce. I know a woman who had to pay 1/2 of a debt she never agreed to and it was a huge debt. What about car insurance do you know if it was paid? What if there

What a nice answer. It is one of the hardest decisions to make.