So my girlfriend of 4 years wanted a "break" awhile back, in August. She listed some reasons for it, most of which were pretty obviously bull; I think the main problem was just standard youth/being scared of not knowing what's out there/blah. Plus, we were long distance a lot, which sucked. The point here is that I think it was circumstances and what we were each ready for. It wasn't us not loving each other anymore or anything like that.

Anyway, I was a tad clingy/begging, but only for a couple of weeks or so, then I metaphorically sobered up, took others' advice, and laid off her for the next 3 months. Sporadic contact here and there, but all in all, it wasn't that messy and we mostly left each other alone. Plus, she's always encouraged me to vent and talk, so I don't think that really caused any damage.

Then, over Thanksgiving, we met for lunch and both had a lot of fun, and ended up talking online a fair amount. She says that basically, the guy she's been going out with (started after we broke up) doesn't do it for her, and despite being the opposite of me on most of the practical problems she had with me before, she still finds that she "likes me a lot more," and she can now "see us being together at some point" and even "had times over Thanksgiving where she was asking herself why we weren't just together right now," she "realizes that it was probably just the distance more than me," etc. etc.

I'm definitely still into her, and I think there's a good chance we could get back together and have it stick if I wanted that, but my problem is that she slept with this other guy, and I haven't seen anyone since the summer. I feel like I need to see somebody else too before doing anything with her, or the inequality is going to ruin things in terms of guilt for her maybe, and definitely jealousy for me. The thing is, I don't really WANT to see somebody else. What I want is my ex back, but I don't think I could respect myself or set a good precedent or whatever if I just took her back, scot free, after she was the only one to have sex in the meantime (they definitely didn't fall in love or anything, I'm just concerned with the sex)

Is this unreasonable? Am I unnecessarily burning bridges or being petty and immature by wanting to be with somebody else first? It's very unlikely I'd find anything serious out here where I am with a new person - I'm getting my degree and moving across the country again in June. It would pretty much just be for the perspective and for rebounding/making things even, etc.

I'm not worried about using somebody (I'll make it clear what I'm looking for) - I'm just worried that I'm tilting here and possibly screwing everything up for no reason. Would the jealousy/images go away on their own soon? Would my ex be less likely to take me seriously in the future if I took her back now? I'd go straight back to her like *that* if I knew the answers to these questions would be "yes." Otherwise, I don't know.

Your having a break and getting back together sounds all good and great up until this point.

I feel like I need to see somebody else too before doing anything with her, or the inequality is going to ruin things in terms of guilt for her maybe, and definitely jealousy for me.

The difference between her seeing somebody else and your thinking you should see somebody else is that when she was with somebody else neither one of you had any intentions of getting back together. If, now that you two are trying to work out getting back together and you go being with someone else to equal things out it is going to look like spite and you were just trying to justify your wanting to do it.
If you can't simply accept that she was with somebody else during your break up and let it go and start fresh then maybe you should not get back with her.

Whether she sees something like that as "spite" or not, etc. isn't really the issue as I see it. The issue is more about whether I am capable of accepting this or not. If I can't, then I should see other people, regardless of whether we may get back together afterwards or not - my actions at this point would be the same (since I'm not going to find anything super serious in this town anyway), so that doesn't matter so much.

But maybe I CAN accept it. That's part of my question. I've never been in such a situation before, and this is pretty fresh, still.

I'm a pretty reasonable person. Actually, she's told me a few times that she is baffled by how nice and reasonable I am about all of this. And I really WANT to just do what you say - suck it up and move on with what feels right.

So it seems like maybe that could work. But I don't have any experience with the issue. How often are people actually able to just put stuff like this behind them? She didn't lie, which is great. But it's still painful, maybe too much...


Perhaps there's no way for you guys to give me insight on this, but if you know, 95% of people are able to forgive this sort of thing, or vice versa, that would be helpful to know. I'm trying to guess my own ability to cope.

In addition to my comment on nohelp4u's post, basically if you still want her, then you are going to have to forget what she had one while you weren't together, including her sleeping with someone else. Who cares if you did or didn't? Once you are in the relationship, you will be leaving all of that behind anyway and starting on the right foot. You not sleeping with someone else is a choice you made, and you should be proud of yourself for doing it. In a sense is shows that your love for her was real. If you can't cope with the fact that she slept with someone else, then you shouldn't even entertain the idea of getting back with her. You want to build a future on understanding each other, not competing with each other.

Basically, in my opinion, if you love her, then you need to tell yourself that you are going to get over the fact that she slept with someone else. You just need to remind yourself that she is going to be with you and sleeping with only you and that is all that will matter. Don't let your jealousy get in the way here. You honestly have a rare opportunity here, and you can't let your jealousy be responsible for being the ice breaker. If you aren't in to her, then don't be with her, but if you love her and think that you can trust her again, then go for it.

I'd still like to hear about how likely people think it is to be able to get over something like this, but I wanted to say

Quote:

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You not sleeping with someone else is a choice you made, and you should be proud of yourself for doing it. In a sense is shows that your love for her was real.

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That was a really good point, and it helps a lot. I don't know how I twisted myself into thinking this would come off as a weakness, but you're definitely right - it's exactly the opposite. Kudos

My point is two wrongs do not make a right and often they only complicate matters. Like you are contemplating getting back with her but you feel some sort of logic that you need to be with another girl first since she was with another guy. So you do this and then you go back with her. You tell her or she finds out. She realizes that it was AFTER you two talked about getting back together. She can not see it in any good way and it only complicates things or even breaks you up again.
You need to look at it from the perspective as you have another chance and a fresh start. Why mess it up with some twisted logic?

Bah, you know what? Screw it. I'm being a pansy with these contingency plans and odds of success and everything. She's awesome, and she's all over me now, and this feels right, and I'm going for it. Thanks for the swift kick in the head I needed, guys.

:D best wishes
Cherish the love ~ because it is hard to find someone that genuinely loves anymore.

I hope that all goes well!