Hi, I'm 25, and I've been married for about 3 1/2 years. My husband and I have a great relationship as friends, but we don't love each other, and we're not physically intimate with one another. Now, I know this may sound odd, so here's the whole story... when we got married, I was head-over-heals in love with him, and I thought I couldn't live without him. His family is very religious (Mormon), and they were pushing him to get married. We had known each other for about four years then, and I was delighted when he proposed to me. I thought all my dreams had come true. However, after we got married I found out that he had been "struggling" with same-sex attraction since middle-school (something he had never told anyone), and although there was some physical intimacy in the beginning of our marriage, it soon became clear that he mere cared for me on a best-friend basis (I guess love really makes you blind because I never caught on to it). In the beginning, I thought I could live with it, but as time went by and physical intimacy became fairly non-existent, my enamored feelings for him cooled-off, and I started seeing and loving him more as a very good friend. It has been like this for quite a while - we have a great relationship; we have fun together, we relate to one another, we go on dates, and do sweet things for one another. But the truth is he is simply not attracted to me (and I'm a pretty girl if I may say so :), and there's no sexual aspect to our relationship.

I was okay with the relationship, but about a year ago, I met another man that I have since then fallen in love with. He makes me feel wanted and desired in a way my husband never has. Due to my profession, this person and I have been spending a lot of one-on-one time together (at least 35 hours a week for practice- I'm an athlete) and going on frequent trips all across the country. For obvious reasons, we have gotten to know each other very well, and we've found that we have a lot of things in common and share many of the same views/beliefs about life. I know that he is very attracted to me physically, and that he truly cares for me. However, there's another BUT: (who would have guessed... ) he's married as well. Although he told me that he had originally only gotten married to become a legal alien, I know he must have loved his wife at some point. He doesn't have kids (neither do I), and he's indicated that he's unhappy in his current relationship.

My husband knows about my feelings for this man, and he's fine with - and has even encouraged - me to "have something on the side" because he knows that I am unhappy with the sexual aspect of our relationship. Due to his upbringing, he has a strong urge to maintain the illusion of a perfect little family to the outside world, and he does not want to pursue his homosexual feelings (his family would basically disown him, so he does not see it as an option). I deeply care for my husband, and he's my best friend, but at the same time I truly love that other person in my life and feel for him in a way that I know I could not feel for my husband. I know it may sound cheesy, but he fills a void in me that I didn't even know existed, and I'm happier when I'm with him than I have ever been with anyone else.

However, I don't know what to do because I know if I let this relationship become sexual - which it unavoidably will knowing that we both have feelings for another - I know I will not only be breaking up a marriage, but also make myself fall in love with him even more deeply. My husband is very committed to maintain our marriage and keep me happy, but I know the situation has become a real mess. If you have any ideas or want to give me some advice, I would appreciate it. I ask you that if you choose to respond to my question to please do so in a respectful, inoffensive manner, and if you cannot do so please do not respond. I'm not a religious person, and I know many people have very strong religious/moral feeling about marriage, which I accept and respect, but I do not want to discuss these views in conjunction with my question since they are not part of my belief system (or the person's I love for that matter). Thank you.

If you want a relationship with this 'other' man,you might get in touch with your true feelings first.

What do you think this other man will do once he has had sex with you?, And then after he grows tired of you(the attraction leaves once the 'forbidden fruit' is tasted)

Not to mention the fact that you would be the 'one on the side'

If you can morally accept this as acceptable,go for it!

If you want to sell yourself short and set yourself up for a downfall,go for it!

If this will help you deal with the problem you asked about in your other post,go for it!

My view is this,You are running from something,your nervous system is (again) going wild.(repeated episodes of your illness,or at least a new outbreak of it)

This seems to be risky behavior and I would ask you to seek professional help for both issues you are asking about.

KBC

What a mess.

How long did you know the guy before you got married?

See that's why you should never rush

Now you are in an unfair place.

Yeah and the other guy is married so stay away from him. Because if he cheats on his wife
He will FOR SURE cheat on your little cute butt.

So don't let your EMOTIONS blind you again
You silly girl.

As for your husband. If you feel that SEX is a very important part of a relationship
Then get rid of him.

And next time
Try to make sure you do things. With your head
Not with your heart

Ok so you don't want a real answer, you want to hear what you want to hear, Yes of course we review all the posts , since only that gives us a idea of what is really happen, Often we will even merge all of your posts so everyone can get better idea.

It is obvious that you first should have worked on your marriage, not fool around and get into a place to be with someone else.

If you want to be with someoen else, get a divorce and move on.

Senegal_25 disagrees: I'd ask for users to just give me advice on the question I ask in the section 'relationships.' I don't feel that reading all of my posts and trying to 'diagnose' me is appropriate for a question forum. The items are unrelated.

Actually they are TOTALLY related.

They both deal with emotions,YOUR emotions.

Self image and what we do to address it, are all a part of the human psyche.

Like you,most people don't like to be dissected,in this forum all posts are relevant and can point to helpful,healthy ways for people to address questions which are 'put out there' for others to comment on.

I am sorry this offended you.

KBC

Thanks for your second response, KBC. I can see how you would find parallels between the two item - I guess I simply didn't expect anyone to consider both, so it kind of caught me off guard. I'm sorry if I sounded offended; I do appreciate your input on the issue. :)

Actually they are TOTALLY related.

They both deal with emotions,YOUR emotions.

Self image and what we do to address it, are all a part of the human psyche.

Like you,most people don't like to be dissected,in this forum all posts are relevant and can point to helpful,healthy ways for people to address questions which are 'put out there' for others to comment on.

I am sorry this offended you.

KBC[/QUOTE]

-sorry, I'm still learning how to do this... see post above. (I guess I should have quoted you first)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Senegal_25

Thanks for your second response, KBC. I can see how you would find parallels between the two item - I guess I simply didn't expect anyone to consider both, so it kind of caught me off guard. I'm sorry if I sounded offended; I do appreciate your input on the issue. :)

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No Harm,No foul.

I am one to be harsh when someone points out my shortcomings/character defects,heck any time someone talks bad towards me.Sometimes it's the truth that makes me react 'unjustly'.

Now, back to the issue,OK?

I don't see any reason not to pursue this. If you get to the point where you're resentful of not being able to be with this new guy publicly, or something like that, I'd say that's more likely where the decision point should be, not now.

Because unless you have some medical condition or something depressing your libido, you're probably going to be miserable sooner or later without any intimacy. I'd say it's better to embrace that and do something about it now rather than waiting for things to just get worse...

Then later, if your husband is getting in the way of you being happy by making you feel caged up and/or unable to progress to a more serious real relationship, then you should offer him the chance to either drop the unhealthy need for an illusion of a happy marriage and let both of you actually live your lives as who you are, or get a divorce.

I believe you should have a talk with "the man'' and tell him how you feel
U don't have to break a marriage because if he only did it for papers that marriage was going to end eventually
End it with your husband as well like you said he is your best friend he hasn't been a husband for a while

You should tell him to face his family and be himself he should not make you go through his sacrifice as well if he doesn't want to take rein of his homosexuality why should you have to suffer with him
You can show him support but you are a person and deserve to be with a man that loves YOU not a man that likes you like he would any other friend

Face the situation
Eventually you will be unhappy with your husband and I would perfer to be happy with a man than be unhappy with another

Your marriage is a sham, and should be terminated, and give you a chance to find happiness with a healthy man, who can share happiness with you.

Leave the married guy alone, and don't help him cheat, and if you cannot stay within the bounds of good behavior, stay away from him period.

Solve your own mess, and try not to spread it, to the lives of others.

I think that you should talk to the guy and if he is willing to leave his wife for you then it was meant to be but you have to make sure that he dosen't love her any more that way you know you ain't breaking nothing up between then. Maybe you should wait on sleeping with him just to make sure.I think he should also talk to his wife and let her know that he don't like her anymore "what's your is your and what it ain't is not. And it's cool that you are also friends with your husband but,when you start a new relation you need to respect him let him know that you guys are just friends. Hope everything works out for u. If this guy is not you don't worrie there are plenty fish in the water there should be one waiting for you and always think double because there's aways consequences. Love and respect yourself & let yourself be respected by others Good luck!