I have been married over 20 years and my husband recently stepped outside our marriage and became involved with another women. When I found out I questioned this relationship and he stated that he had given her oral sex 1x and had online sex talks with her as well as sent inappropriate texts back and forth. He said that it was a mistake and they took their friendship too far and promised it would never happen again. He had only known her for 2 weeks before I found out. I told him that he needed to stop talking to this women and end their friendship. He says that he can be friends with whom ever he wants and that I can't control that. He continues to text this person daily and stays up till 1 or 2 in the morning texting her while I cry myself to sleep. He says that they no longer talk dirty that they just have a lot to talk about current things and what's going on in each others lifes. He came to bed last night at 230 when I got up this am I checked the online bill to see if he was texting her (which I knew he was) they had sent over 300 texts back and forth over a 4 hr period. I am so hurt by this. I have told him how this is affecting me and the strain it is having on our marriage. We still have sex 1-2 times a day but I feel like I can't continue to bury the feelings that I am being played a fool here. He is acting like I don't matter in this situation and he can do what ever he wants. He won't let me see the texts saying they are none of my business and if I can't trust him then its my problem not his. Does this sound like a man that truly loves his wife? He makes me feel like I am crazy for being jealous. Please let me know what you think. Thanks

He sounds like a man who doesn't know what he wants.

What do you want? Do you want to live like this?

If he won't stop this behavior, can you live with it or would you be better off without him?

There are serial cheaters and there are one time mistake cheaters. He sound like the former category.

Sounds like if nothing more he is most likely addicted to the sextexting and hiding it from you. Will he actually cheat on you/go meet her again--who knows BUT he is emotionally cheating you because he is there for her when he should be there for YOU. He is hurting you and only thinking of himself.

I can't see talking to someone you barely know about 'current things' for 4 hours on a regular basis with someone you hardly know. I don't think I could even find enough 'things' to talk about for 4 hours with my best friend that I haven't seen in three years.

Also when guys say things like I ONLY gave her oral sex 1x and had online sex talks with her as well as sent inappropriate texts back and forth and only known her for 2 weeks before I found out.

They know that the cat is out of the bag so they use minimizing tactics to make it sound like 'it wasn't THAT bad' or 'I stopped before it got too involved'. They think it smooths over the initial shock. They only say these things because they are caught and don't want the full impact so they make it sound as minimal as possible. Often but not always you get a little more of the story here and there only to find out it wasn't only this and nothing more than this. Right now he figures what does he have to lose by admitting to one little thing when you now know something went on.

No, this does not sound like a man who truly loves his wife. He is playing you and you are allowing it. As long as you put up with the behaviour, why should he stop?
Have a heart to heart talk with him about what this is doing to you and the ramifications on your marriage. If he puts it all back on you as it being your problem, that will tell you right there where you stand in this relationship. Then you will have to decide if it is something you want to continue or not. Either way you decide will unfortunately be a painful journey so be sure you have friends and/or family to help you through.
Don't believe for a minute that they are all of a sudden talking as just friends at this point. There may no longer be a physical involvement, but there is most certainly an emotional one.
When trust is broken, the onus is on the person who stepped out to help in rebuilding that trust. One person can not do it alone.
I wish you well...

This site might help you

Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

By setting an undeniable boundary,you are taking the first step in your self-esteem,making the behavior unacceptable to you and the consequences if they are not followed.

The longer you put up with his behavior the more likely it' going to stay in your marriage.

Marriage is based on trust, commitement and love. Yes, people fall in and out of love over the course of their marriage, but the commitement they made to one another should be sacred.
The fact that he blantantly does this and tell you that it's none of your business? Who is this guy? It is your business, it's hurting your marriage, it's happening in your house, if you share financial responsibility then you are partially paying for his texting affair. It is your business!

I don't know your entire situation, but I do know that you are worthy of being treated with respect. But you need to fight for it because obviously he will not. If he's willing to put this "friend he's known for a couple of weeks" in front of you... then I hate to say this but your marriage is not important to him. And yes, he is having an affair, he can't ven break away at night, it's like he's acting like a teenager with a crush.

And the comment about "I had oral sex with her 1x" come on now! If you and him have sex 1-2 times a day, it sounds like you both have a healthy libido... I'm sure he didn't do oral sex and then say "Oh I'm sorry I need to stop".

You are not overreacting to any of this. I say you need to react more, FIGHT for you and your marriage and if he doesn't want to change or commit to you then I say move on. No one deserves being treated like this.
Heck, call up that woman and have a talk with her, get her side of the story and maybe you can find the truth between the both of their stories.

You can either put up with it or permanently disappear his cell phone so he can't just text her. Oh, sure, he can get another phone. Get one for him that is not textable or drop the texting plan on his current phone.

I had some girl call up my home many years ago and want to speak to my husband. He had told her I was his sister. Sister my behind. I asked her where she lived as I was packing up his clothes and would happily take them to her house so she could support him instead of me. Gee, that witch hung up the phone on me and never called back. How rude can you get? Hubby apparently heard about it and asked me why I spoke to her. I asked him why did you give your home number out if you didn't want her to call?

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Originally Posted by twinkiedooter

Hubby apparently heard about it and asked me why I spoke to her. I asked him why did you give your home number out if you didn't want her to call?

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Yep ONE of those games guys like to play to take the blame off them by turning it into your fault.

I personally see repeated texting and calling as more intimate than if he had a one night stand. He's obviously not talking to this woman just for sexually reasons he sounds like he's talking/texting someone he actually likes. This is lot more dangerous - You are treated the way you allow people to treat you.

Thanks for the feedback.

I feel better knowing that I am not the only one that thinks this behavior is inappropriate for a married man. I did sit down with him and made it very clear how this was making me feel. I told him that I wouldn't tolerate being treated this way. I asked if he was willing to give up this friendship to save our marriage. The response I got was that it hurt him that I was willing to give up our marriage because of this innocent friendship, because of my insecurities. He said it wasn't fair that I would request such a thing. Not saying either way on what he would do. I pressured him to answer the question and he said he couldn't just give an answer. I told him that at this point the decision was his and until he could prove to me that he is no longer in communication with her we would not be intimate. Am I worried that he will end up in her bed? YES, but I know I have to make a stance. If he chooses her then I never had a chance.

So last night when I woke up at 2am and he was not in bed I went to find him. He was acting like he was sleeping on the coach, holding tightly to his phone. I kicked him awake and asked what he was doing he said he must have fallen asleep. I left him there. He came to bed 5 minutes later. At work today, I checked my online statement and he was not sleeping he was texting her with the last one being sent right before he came to bed. So what do I do now??

I guess I will see what he does tonight. Maybe he will tell me that he ended it last night with her and has chosen our marriage. Or maybe he will spend the night texting her while his family is asleep. I guess I wait and see.

Please, I understand that you've invested 20 years of married life with this man, but he does not sound like a devoted, caring spouse. To disregard your feelings and concerns about your marriage and his own infidelity is disrespectful and betrayal on his part. This man has issues; I think that "mid-life crisis" is real to some degree, and people (men and women) cheat for different reasons. But cheating is cheating. The act disables trust and respect, period. I don't know the dynamics of your marriage (issues, strengths, history), but you need to save yourself from despondency and despair. You deserve true love and devotion, not a half-hearted part-time "lover" who SHOULD BE YOUR LIFE PARTNER. He does not understand the sanctity of marriage, he is thinking only about himself. If you were my partner, I would not let you go to bed crying. A real man would not.
Listen to your heart, not your head in this. I don't care what therapists say. In this case, I know it's hard and only you know what's best, but YOU DESERVE THE BEST TREATMENT - ALWAYS - not sometimes. And a real man does not text back and forth constantly, that's for kids, not mature adults. You want to be treated like the lady that you are. Once you believe this, it will happen for you and this nightmare will be a distant memory. You are in my prayers.

I am so distraut over what is happening to my marriage that just reading your response brought tears to my eyes. This is the first time my husband has behaved this way. We got married at 19 and neither one of us has been unfaithful, until now. But what you say is true and it hurts to know that my husband of 20 years can't see what he is doing to me or let alone care. Thanks for your advice it really hit home.

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Originally Posted by imconfused2

Thanks for the feedback.

I feel better knowing that i am not the only one that thinks this behavior is inappropriate for a married man. I did sit down with him and made it very clear how this was making me feel. I told him that i wouldnt tolerate being treated this way. I asked if he was willing to give up this friendship to save our marriage. The response i got was that it hurt him that I was willing to give up our marriage because of this innocent friendship, becuase of my insecurities. He said it wasnt fair that i would request such a thing. Not saying either way on what he would do. I pressured him to answer the question and he said he couldnt just give an answer. I told him that at this point the decision was his and untill he could prove to me that he is no longer in communication with her we would not be intimate. Am i worried that he will end up in her bed? YES, but i know i have to make a stance. If he chooses her then i never had a chance.

So last night when i woke up at 2am and he was not in bed i went to find him. He was acting like he was sleeping on the coach, holding tightly to his phone. I kicked him awake and asked what he was doing he said he must have fallen asleep. I left him there. He came to bed 5 mins later. At work today, I checked my online statement and he was not sleeping he was texting her with the last one being sent right before he came to bed. So what do i do now???

I guess i will see what he does tonight. Maybe he will tell me that he ended it last night with her and has chosen our marriage. Or maybe he will spend the night texting her while his family is asleep. i guess i wait and see.

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Sorry to say this but you asked him to make a decision - give up the friendship OR give up the marriage. I think his behavior proves he made his decision. Now you have to make yours. Ask him to leave or don't ask him to leave. Get an Attorney and file for divorce or separation or don't. Live with it or don't live with it.

I couldn't live like this - you're neither his conscience nor his mother and shouldn't have to play detective in order to see what he's doing. You either have commitment and trust or you don't.

EDIT: Ask yourself - are you better with him or without him? Look at the whole picture and then make your decision. You are the only one who knows.

And keep saying to yourself: "This is not my fault."

You never said what her situation in this was. Is she married, living with someone? The texting part bothers me. Why don't they just talk on the phone like normal people do? She is probably married and thinks that texting is private and no one can "hear" what she's talking about.

Also, if they are texting when he comes home, what do they do when not at home - obviously spend a lot of time talking on the phone.

Know that many have been in a similar situation... I wish you much strength, courage, and peace with whatever direction you take.

No path will be easy or pleasant, but the journey will be necessary, and whether your marriage remains intact, you will be wiser and stronger than perhaps you ever realized you could be.

I know you've been married 2o years but your 39 years old,That's young! You could find someone who deserves you more or stay with this man and always wonder what he's up to when he's not with you-personally the paranoia and constant thinking would give me mental health issues!

I agree with JudyKayTree, very well said. I'mconfused clarified that they married at a young age. I've heard about this happening to many couples who married young, and who are now age 40+. I don't want to blame the media or technology, but everyone has eyes and can observe that it's all sex-infused. Everywhere you look, sex is being sold either subminally or whatever. It takes a strong person with moral conscience and integrity to be a faithful and trustworthy partner/spouse. This digital age with unlimited texting, online dating and multimedia imaging makes it "easy" and convenient to be discreet and mingle with "people who are looking". Your husband opened the door and let someone else into your marriage, and this is wrong. He is negating your feelings. Perhaps he feels like he missed out on sowing his "wild oats" because he married young? Regardless, he made a vow with you, and if that changed, he should have talked with YOU rather than look outside the marriage. There will always be temptation (for us all) and people who are waiting to break up a union because they don't care or respect monogamy, but it's up to the two people in the relationship to keep that love and respect and trust strong. He broke it and an apology is not good enough. I wish I had JudyKayTree's advice when I was in a similar situation 3 years ago. You always come out stronger than before.

I was recently your husband. I had a relationship with a coworker (nothing physical, but the texting was numerous). My wife found out and the thought of losing her completely overwhelmed any thought of this other person. I still work with that person but barely even speak to her. I don't know your situation, but he better understand that you will leave if it doesn't stop. Nothing should be more important than the health (emotional in this case) of your family.

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Originally Posted by phil1129

I was recently your husband. I had a relationship with a coworker (nothing physical, but the texting was numerous). My wife found out and the thought of losing her completely overwhelmed any thought of this other person. I still work with that person but barely even speak to her. I don't know your situation, but he better understand that you will leave if it doesn't stop. Nothing should be more important than the health (emotional in this case) of your family.

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That's what she told him. It had no effect. How did your wife get the message through to you? Maybe she didn't use these exact words but it looks to me like she made herself very clear and he kept on keeping on, thus making his choice.

Just from the perspective of you as the man in this one - if your wife had NOT found out, what would have happened?

It had already run its course. It never got beyond the texting (most of the texting was just mindless banter) and it got kind of tiring. What my wife saw was enough to show intent, though, and convincing her it was over wasn't easy.
I was not about to lose her over this. I'm just glad she stayed through it with me. It was a wakeup call, however, to how important my family is to me.