Ask Me Help Desk - Getting back your Ex

I broke up with the love of my life (3 years) Great guy and we could have worked it out. I acted irrationally, immature, and regret it deeply. I have apokigized but he wants nothing to do with me romantically and said he has fallen out of love with me. I hurt him and he feels betrayed. Although there were other problems (the rough patch we both acknowledged) we had a very adult relationship, never fought really in 3 years, and were in love. He was very good to me and I made a huge mistake.

I purchased the e-book about getting your ex back but not all of it applies to our situation. I am now one week without contacting him (7 weeks since split.) We are friends now, actually slept with him last week, which resulted in nothing to follow. He has not even called. I am having trouble not contacting him and being patient but I am not sure this is what I need to do. I can't apologize anymore, and at this point, it seems like being absent is the only hope I have. I know he loves me, no doubt. He is not seeing anyone and finally the anger seems to be subsiding. Is there hope or what else can I do? I have had time to thing and it is worth saving, no question! Just need to get him on the same page and I do not know how?

Quote:

Originally Posted by tsanok

I purchased the e-book about getting your ex back but not all of it applies to our situation. I am now one week without contacting him (7 weeks since split.) We are friends now, actually slept with him last week, which resulted in nothing to follow.

You are NOT friends now, he chooses to use you as a sexual outlet. He is not in love with you, and you CANNOT change that. Do not become used by someone. It is over and no E-Book will change that. Sorry to be harsh, but it is what it is.

You're going to have to leave him alone. He obviously knows you are sorry and knows you want to work it out. Now it is up to him. The more you chase the further he will run. I'm going through the same thing and it sucks but each day is somewhat getting better. What exactly did you do yo hurt and betray him?

The NC is your best bet and now all you can do is wait it out. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week... it will get easier. Time will tell if your mend this relationship in the future, but he is hurt and if you love him, you owe him the space he is asking for.

Do not sleep with him until you are in a committed relationship again. Don't think that because he sleeps with you, that you are "together again".

Quote:

Originally Posted by kctiger

You are NOT friends now, he chooses to use you as a sexual outlet. He is not in love with you, and you CANNOT change that. Do not become used by someone. It is over and no E-Book will change that. Sorry to be harsh, but it is what it is.

True.

E-books are full of sh*t.

A real dating book?

Read Getting To "I Do"

Just tell him that you've changed your mind and regret what you did. Apologize. Then try and make it work if he agrees. Otherwise, that's the end of this story.

Leave him alone, and under no circumstances have sex with him. Find something else to do.

you had sex with him? You should have got the book

how to be used by an X

which is what you have just been.

Go no contact

stop waisting your time

Seems like everyone is showing tough love. If she did something to hurt him then he will deal with it for a while. But maybe he is still having sex with her because he still cares he just feels to weak to admit he still loves her. Its normal to deny feelings after someone hurts you. I don't think he is using you, if he was truly mad at you, you'd be out of his life. But if you guys are still friends, chances are he is not ready to call a quits...

But he is still hurting.

Give him time, do not push.

It been 3 years since your break-up and while you want him back he has moved on and already expressed how he feels about you and you can't change that.

Even though you realize your behavior when you was with him, you can't go back into time to change things. So you really need to let him go and give up this false hope of your getting back together. Having sex with him won't change his mind because you can't win someone back that doesn't want to won back.

You live and you learn and if anything you should've learned from your relationship with him so that you won't repeat the same mistakes in your next one because this guy clearly have no intentions of getting back with you. Let go!

The relationship was for 3 years, the break up 7 weeks ago.

He has been divorced 4 years and I have been for 15 years.

The relationship was great with exception of the rough patch over the past 9 months or so. All prompted by my losing my job, and what I call a personal career failure. After this happened, I did not feel as though I was the strong confident and sexy woman he fell in love with and became somewhat insecure. Nothing over the top but it was different for sure. Things were tense and slightly different but I think most of it was in my own mind. I allowed myself to think he did not desire me the same as before... this was crazy because he was head over heals for me, did anything and everything for me, etc. I never had that before... the friendship, a loving attentive boyfriend, the whole package. I was afraid of losing it. Back in June I realized what was going on, what I was doing and went into fix it mode, which was met with confusion on his part. He acknowledged the rough patch but nothing really changed between us after that. He remained steadfast as we tried to work it out, etc. but I almost started looking for something to go wrong. It was crazy now I think about it because it could have been fixed easily if I had not let my imagination go to the bad place. He was being adult and rolling with it while I did the opposite... Dumb!

7 weeks ago I read an e-mail (I was not on a fishing expedition but turned into one) he sent to a female acquaintance (previously work related) where he addressed her by saying he was sorry he missed her cute self when he stopped by, this is what was going on with him since leaving the company, gave his number and said give me a shout if you want to get together for lunch or something... I freaked because I never imagined he would address another woman in this manner and especially when we were trying to work through a rough patch... I never showed jealousy before but in all honesty, it never came up because he put me on a pedistal. My head spun off my shoulders when I read that and I reacted by breaking up with him via text and e-mail and 2 days later had my things out of his place and returned his, exchanged back keys, etc. Very abrupt and without any direct face to face talk, nothing... I said very mean things to him via e-mail and acted so immaturely that I am embarressed. Thing is I do not believe he did anything or even set out to... he was with me most of the time and we were just in a comfort zone for the most part. He was not as romantic as he had been previously but outside of that, nothing had changed leading up to this.

When I came to my senses and tried to talk to him 5 days into break up... well first he needed time and then a week later he said he had fallen out of love with me (after two weeks broken up, can this be?) He was very, very impersonal and almost mean. His family, sisters, etc. relayed his hurt and feelings of being betrayed and it was apparent because he went from loving to COLD. He cut off contact and then we finally were able to talk... he said the same thing, that it was sad, I had said mean and hateful things and it could have been avoided if we had talked about it, that it was not what it appeared to be, etc.

I never begged or pleaded but wrote him a very heartfelt apology letter thereafter and of course professed my feelings of his significance in my life, and relayed if he could ever forgive me that my heart would always be open. It was done more in the way of "I accept this if it is what you want but I would like it to be different".

I slept with him on Thanksgiving night and even though I initiated contact, he took part too. He acted very cautious and mindful to not lead me on.. he did not behave as he had before but the connection was still there... we had a bond and it was obvious without words.

Since then I have not heard from him but was told he was reconsidering our relationship but it would take time... I am doing better and do not cry everyday but my heart is empty and I am afraid of losing my feelings for him. Especially if it could happen to him so easily, I don't get it?

No infedility here... just emotional betrayal... if the relationship was that strong, can it be fixed? I have not had contact for 7 days and plan to keep it that way and let him come to me... I just don't know if I have false hope... my gut and heart tells me he does love me most definitely but nothing from him (one call he made to me night before TG and night together, which I did not answer and he did not leave VM.) Outside of that, a few responses to e-mail leading to call but nothing to initiate contact with me or suggest reconcilliation.

Would be different if I had not created this mess... trying to forgive myself for being so emotionally imature... I have sufered a great loss for he is a great guy and the one I want to spend the rest of my life with!

Has too much time passed? If I had just left him alone in the beginning, maybe I wouldn't be writing this letter... And the only help the e-book gave me was to go with no contact, we want what we can't have, blah, blah, blah, date, etc. and make him want you? If I make him jealous (not really into that) then I could make it even worse for myself??

You are the one who messed up so in my book YOU are the one who should try and win him back! Not the other way around!

(u dumped him and expect him to ask his way back? Isn't going to happen)

Good luck.

I wouldn't let him come to you. You are the one that started all this and broke up with him without even talking to him about it (moved your stuff out, etc) that REALLY hurts a guy when you just up and leave. He was REALLY hurt and the ball is in your court for quite a while now, hate to tell you. HE'S the one NCing you so he can heal - YOU are the one who has control even if he's trying to act like he does because he's so hurt.

Yes I messed up, no question. If I try to convince him I feel as though I would push him away because he has to know how I feel by the letter I sent. It was very honest and nothing negative whatsoever. If I don't leave him alone and HOPE, what else can I do? His behavior over this is very, very out of character. After trying to approach him early on, I am afraid of the rejection... I faced what I was deserving of after what I did... never brought anything up again about whay I did it, never asked if he was dating or sleeping with anyone. I have behaved maturely since and when in contact with him, have been myself. His anger is subsiding yes but I feel as though I woud be bothering him or acting needy if I approached him again... which I am not. Yes I love him, and at this point, could care less about my pride but the male mind works differently... I think the more I chase, the more he will run.

I have been rejected before and lived a little of life to know the difference between someone who cares and someone who does not. I know what we had was real and just as significant to him as it was to me. It is almost like we are dancing around things and cannot get together on the whole thing... if that makes sense. I feel as though he does love me and it is a matter of his instinctive defense to act as though he does not care so he does not allow himself to get hurt. Based on the way he felt about me (my thoughts) I believe I made it painfully clear to him how much I was capable of hurting him and it threw him into emotional overload... Kind of shattered his idea of me and what we had. How the heck do you bounce back from that? Again, I feel as though he knows me, the real me... does love me and wants to be with me. Just hurt, and not sure what to do I guess? If I had romanticized what we had (and I did not in the least) then I could see but again, it was good, real, adult... I know it was the most significant relationship he has ever had too. We just meshed in all ways.

I repeat, I am not into the jealousy thing as the e-book suggested. I have no desire to be with anyone else either. NC and hope he will miss me is the only thing I have not tried is all... I'm willing to try anything... as long as it is legal that is!

Then what next? It isn't as though I can see him whenever I want or want to make him feel uncomfortable by going where he goes, etc. He has a daughter (15 yrs) that I am close to and still visit Monday nights but I go when he is not there. We are friends and have spoken since. I try to be myself, acti like I did before excluding the sentiment thing (you know what I mean I hope?) Anyhow, the letter stated it all, very well thought out and stated my feelings straight from the heart being me.

Before I slept with him last week, I had sent him an e-mail the week before. It has a few things we had not cleared up (belongings, stuff unresolved, etc.) In that e-mail, I hsimply stated in one line... Despite the way it happened, I believe our parting ways was the best way to go. I received a call from him not even a week later to which I did not answer. When he did not leave a VM, I was back to the wait game. I called him TG and suggested we meet for a drink. He did not respond. I left a VM and said you could have replied and it is not as if I am going to bother you because you called me... then I went to where I knew he may be... he was there. He left and when he did he asked me to stop over and have a drink. I did and then after we sat and chatted for a while (nothing about what happened) I ended up staying and it was great. He was cautious yes, you coud tell for sure. The next day I texted him and said it was really good to see him... he responded by saying yes, it was nice... smiley face! I then was a dummy and texted back that I had the fluttery thing going on... his response was... it was fun. I have heard nothing from him, nothing.

Today is three years since the first night we went out. Chrsitmas part we hooked up at. We were together, I had the flutterly thing after... we started dating after that. He knew that I had told him and he had the same thing. I should not have done that I know... should have just left it I guess after his reply.

Thing is I do not know how to act, what to do if I don't let him come to me when he is ready? If you are a guy and you do no t think it is bad that I do this, then what the heck next? Do I make a fool of myself and try again to tell him that I want him back, I am sorry, I love him, etc. What?

Please keep your responses in one thread! Don't start a new thread for every question you have, confuses us.

Are you have contact no of that him , did he still interested or its just mind condition u have for him just check it , just check whether he still feel or he get involve in another relation ship .

>FOUR threads merged<
Please stick to ONE thread rather than posting the same thing over.