I am 23 and have been married for 6 yrs. I am still very much in love with my husband just very confused about his behavior. When we were newlyweds we discussed porn and I told him that I see nothing wrong with it but I am not fond of it. He said he never needed it and found it unnecessary. We have had our issues with lack of sex due to my constant sturggle with depression and the occasional nightmares from a rape when I was a little girl. We always make it through with open conversation and understanding. I always tell him I don't know how he deals with me and that I love him even more for it. He has never cheated on me and I have never cheated on him but recently I have caught him getting off to porn. I was very upset seeing how I had no idea of this apetite. He felt really guilty and told me he is overstressed and that he just needs to get rid of some steam. I told him I have no problem with it just keep it clean (as in age and such) and do not lie to me about it again. Yet this morning I sensed he was hiding something from me. I confronted him about it and he denied what I was suspecting, that he was watching online porn. I was so upset I made a boo boo... I threated him with searching his history on his computer. He instantly freaked and insisted nothing was wrong and that he only whacked off in the shower. But I saw in his eyes he was in fact lying so I did search his history and yet again I found he had visited several sites on girls kissing and lesbian type stuff very similar to the last batch I found (did I mention he deleted the last batch when I comfronted him?). I started crying and stressed to him that I refused to be lied to. I let him know yet again I had no problem with it just keep it "clean" and stop lying. If you are too embarrassed then say so and I won't breach the topic. I said a shrug or even averting the eyes is better than lying and if he can lie about porn he can lie about anything else and it must end NOW. I am afraid that he will continue to lie and what else he may be hiding. He has been so ill I have had to wipe his so why be shy about porn?

If you are OK with it then why are you so upset about it?

That's just his presonal space... do you not have your own personal space (as in whatever) that he does not receive a full briefing on?

If its not Kiddie porn why worry about it. Now if it grows to be a truckload in size there might be a problem...

Sometimes us women say we're OK with things when we are really not. Your hubby may think that this is the case - and hear me out - but it also seems like this may be the case. The fact that you're posting about it online and getting so stressed out about him doing this... is it just because he didn't tell you? Or is there more to it?
When you confront him and are angry about him possibly lying to you it doesn't encourage him to tell you on his own about these occurrences - Also what do you expect him to say - hey hunny I looked at some porn today, when will dinner be ready? Or do you just want him to admit to this when you ask - but if this is the case and you have "no problem" then why are you so intent on asking -
If you're not asking then there's nothing for him to lie about - and if you don't care then why are you asking?

My guess is that he is embarrassed by his use of porn. Personally I feel that pron is and can be very addictive. So I personally don't condone it or it's use. I don't know, maybe he is having personal issues with his use or maybe he was simply embarrassed about being caught. Maybe you need to sit him down and have a frank and open conversation about why he feels it necessary to use porn in your relationship. And then decide the appropriate course of action to keep your marriage happy and moving foreword.

I have spoken to him about it. He is open about getting off in the shower or w/e. I am only upset that I actually am catching him logging out of something really really fast and I ask him, "hey honey what ya doing?" and he stammers " just checking my work email" when I see a box he is trying to cover on his screen that is asking for age verification... he could just say being a guy or just releasing some stress... why lie when caught in the act when he knows I know what he is doing?

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Originally Posted by youngnconfused

I have spoken to him about it. He is open about getting off in the shower or w/e. I am only upset that i actually am catching him logging out of something rly rly fast and i ask him, "hey honey what ya doing?" and he stammers " just checking my work email" when i see a box he is trying to cover on his screen that is asking for age verification....he could just say being a guy or just releasing some stress ...why lie when caught in the act when he knows i know what he is doing?

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Because you are making a big deal out of it. Or at least he sees it that way.

He's trying not to be confrontational with you on the issue, but he also does know as an adult he has the right to do it because he wants to.

Try not to make more out of it than it is... which is nothing important in the big scheme of life..

Hi I'm Jenn I'm 23 also and have been with my boyfirend for 5 years, it really sounds like you to are very open and you two seem to communicate well. My boyfriend has done the same thing hid porn I've freaked I've even taken one and caught it on fire in the back yard I was so pissed. Its just guys are very visual (so keep this in mind you be his fantasy too) and even though he looks all guys I think are going to look. I see old grandpas come in and grab a penthouse you know, I think its very common. I have a hard time dealing with it too. I've never said he could have any but I know if I don't he will just hide it anyway so better to allow some stuff. But if he is jacking off everyday he's not going to tell you that would just be plain embarrassing for him. So he will hide it even though he knows your okay with it. Like they said above sometimes we say were okay with it and were not. But you have to remember he's with you and loves you. I used to think of porn as cheating same thing basically except she isn't going to help him, so I think its better then him doiing whatever with whoever behind my back. I've caught him in the middle on the computer to and that's hard for me but I'm sure it was worse for him. Now I don't even look cause I'm sure I'll find something better to not hurt myself anymore then needed. I would just leave it be enjoy your relationship and keep communicating that's the key to success. Good luck hope this might help some what.

I think you have to take steps because your relationship may be on the verge of disaster.

YOu have to remember that couples grow older and change during a marriage... hopefully! A person can't really carry on their teen-ge self forward through the 20's and 30's and expect to have a good relationship with their spouse. Also, a person who matures and grows is more interesting to their partner-it works both ways.

I think you should go to a couple's counsellor and makek an investment in the future for both of you. Both of you have some stuff to get out on the table and discuss to cut the tension in your marriage and get back the feeling of working together in life with a valued and trusted partner. :)

Best wishes,

I think your making a mountain out of a mole hill, and frankly you should let it go. Even the most secure male will be embarrassed by being caught in a weak moment, and despite your tolerance, your reaction may make him feel he should lie.

Don't put him in a corner as you already know what's up, just let it go. Cough, or something and give him some time to know his privacy is up, for chrissake, instead of backing him in a corner.

Its not that you do, what you do, but the way you do it. No guy wants to admit he is whacking off when confronted. That's a bit embarrassing. There are exceptions, but your not married to one.

Give the guy some wiggle room, and you won't have to make this a big deal.