Hey all, I've been with my girlfriend for about 2 years off and on. We had a rocky start when I didn't want a serious relationship and broke up in February, but we've been together about 4 months now (since August), it's been serious, we talk about a future, we see each other every day, it's very affectionate and supportive and seemingly healthy relationship. Recently her sex drive has dropped off.

When we first got back together, it was nearly every day, which was great. Being around her always seems to put me in the mood. But recently it's down to about twice a week, and whenever I try to get her in the mood, it only works if she "wants to have sex." I'm worried because the only times we have sex is when it's on her mind, otherwise, there's nothing I can do to arouse her. There's plenty of kissing, cuddling, what have you, but since we're not having that much sex, I feel like I'm always in the mood and try and have sex and I'm frequently getting rejected. What's worse, we'll fool around to a point (at which I point I'm REALLY in the mood) and then she'll drop the "oh we're not having sex now" line. I can't ask ahead of time because that kills the mood, so I'm either stuck being frustrated for getting worked up for nothing or just waiting for her all week to make a move.

She denies there's any problem with our relationship, but I can't help but feel like there's something wrong with me. She does have a history of anxiety, takes Wellbutrin every day (but she says that increases her sex drive, there's research to suggest it does too). She recently increased her dose of it, but otherwise no changes. Takes Ovcon for birth control (which is a monophasic birth control pill).

She sometimes says she isn't in the mood because she's tired or stressed, but I feel like if we're having trouble now, is she ever going to want sex if we get married, have careers, kids, and bills to worry about? She assures me we will, but I'm sure everyone says that. I don't know if I should be worried or not, or if maybe there's something wrong with me. I do feel insecure when she turns me down, like I'm not sexy enough for her or something to that effect. Should I be worried about us and our future? Is this a problem we need to deal with, or should I just suck it up as this being a phase or just accept this is how much sex she wants now. Sorry for the long post, but it's my first. Please advise.

Thanks.

There's nothing wrong with the relationship. She does want to have sex, just not as often. She is trying to test you. She wants to see what is more important to you: sex or love. The correct answer is love, so hold out as long as possible and you will be greatly rewarded.

For a woman foreplay starts when you walk in the door and make her a cup of coffee or tell her how pretty she looks or notice that she did something different to her hair

Any number of what may be perceived as small inconsequential things to you mean a lot to her.

It has to come from the heart because we know if you are forcing it just to get what you want.

If she says she is stressed offer a back rub or draw her a bath. *No strings * :rolleyes:

Do this not with any favors being returned as your motive but because you care.

Be open about your feelings and tell her you are feeling a little rejected.

Make sure that the lovemaking is equally satisfying and have her show you what she wants and needs.
Make a game of it .

Pretend you are just a naïve virgin and she has to lead the way. :D
Communication is vital for a healthy sex life.

With a woman sex is in the brain first so keep that stimulated as well.We still want to be wooded so a little romance never hurts.

Don't forget to laugh and have fun...

Women are not like light switches... and not all have strong drives... some have crazy high drives.. some have none at all.

Plus what the previous posters said as well.

Consider it a learning experience.

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Originally Posted by artlady

For a woman foreplay starts when you walk in the door and make her a cup of coffee or tell her how pretty she looks or notice that she did something different to her hair

Any number of what may be perceived as small inconsequential things to you mean a lot to her.

It has to come from the heart because we know if you are forcing it just to get what you want.

If she says she is stressed offer a back rub or draw her a bath. *No strings * :rolleyes:

Do this not with any favors being returned as your motive but because you care.

Be open about your feelings and tell her you are feeling a little rejected.

Make sure that the lovemaking is equally satisfying and have her show you what she wants and needs.
Make a game of it .

Pretend you are just a naive virgin and she has to lead the way. :D
Communication is vital for a healthy sex life.

With a woman sex is in the brain first so keep that stimulated as well.We still want to be wooded so a little romance never hurts.

Don't forget to laugh and have fun.....

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I like your ideas and will try and be more fun about it, but we're a very lovey-dovey couple as-is. We cuddle daily, sleep together (not sex haha) almost every night, I wonder if she just doesn't view me as a challenge anymore. I feel like she wanted me more when I was an to her (before we got serious). I don't think it's a physical thing, but I can't help but feel rejected or unwanted. Do you think this is something we need to address, or is this something I should wait out and be supportive in the mean time?

I think you guys should be spending less time together..

What gave you the idea that you had to see each other every day? That can tend to make a relationship stale..

Give her something to miss. Go out get some hobbies of your own, hang out with friends.. but please, do it with balance, don't cut her out completely..

Just remember that you two are individuals and you both have different interests. Explore that possiblitiy.. it also gives you two something to talk about..

Guaranteed if you stop seeing her 24/7 she be all over you..

But first explain to her what you're doing.. tell her that it's healthy for BOTH of you to do something's apart and reasure her that it's not because you don't love her.. it's because you love her TOO MUCH to see her unhappy!

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Originally Posted by Narcan

Hey all, I've been with my girlfriend for about 2 years off and on. We had a rocky start when I didn't want a serious relationship and broke up in February, but we've been together about 4 months now (since August), it's been serious, we talk about a future, we see each other every day, it's very affectionate and supportive and seemingly healthy relationship. Recently her sex drive has dropped off.

When we first got back together, it was nearly every day, which was great. Being around her always seems to put me in the mood. But recently it's down to about twice a week, and whenever I try to get her in the mood, it only works if she "wants to have sex." I'm worried because the only times we have sex is when it's on her mind, otherwise, there's nothing I can do to arouse her. There's plenty of kissing, cuddling, what have you, but since we're not having that much sex, I feel like I'm always in the mood and try and have sex and I'm frequently getting rejected. What's worse, we'll fool around to a point (at which I point I'm REALLY in the mood) and then she'll drop the "oh we're not having sex now" line. I can't ask ahead of time because that kills the mood, so I'm either stuck being frustrated for getting worked up for nothing or just waiting for her all week to make a move.

She denies there's any problem with our relationship, but I can't help but feel like there's something wrong with me. She does have a history of anxiety, takes Wellbutrin every day (but she says that increases her sex drive, there's research to suggest it does too). She recently increased her dose of it, but otherwise no changes. Takes Ovcon for birth control (which is a monophasic birth control pill).

She sometimes says she isn't in the mood because she's tired or stressed, but I feel like if we're having trouble now, is she ever going to want sex if we get married, have careers, kids, and bills to worry about? She assures me we will, but I'm sure everyone says that. I don't know if I should be worried or not, or if maybe there's something wrong with me. I do feel insecure when she turns me down, like I'm not sexy enough for her or something to that effect. Should I be worried about us and our future? Is this a problem we need to deal with, or should I just suck it up as this being a phase or just accept this is how much sex she wants now. Sorry for the long post, but it's my first. Please advise.

Thanks.

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Wellbutrin does not increase your sex drive, in fact it may diminish it. However, if she is on Wellbutrin for a good reason I wouldn't suggest she get off it.

However, she may have to relearn what it takes to get her horny. Remember, Wellbutrin will reduce compulsive habits like smoking or other coping mechanisms like sex. Many of us turn to sex as a release or a way to escape or cope with life. We can get horny because we can escape into fantasy for instance to occupy our minds and then turn that into physical activity with a partner. With Wellbutrin it levels people out, they don't have the need to run to these coping mechanisms like smoking, sex or eating to cope; hence the desire for all of the above diminishes.

My suggestion is that if she loves you and you are patient she can try and relearn her sexuality with your help. She will no longer have the same triggers like stress or even the same stimulants as before. Take the time to get to know her again and see what does turn her on while she is on this medication.

If she was a nymphomaniac before, unfortunately while she is on the meds this may not happen and it is you that will have to adjust. She is perhaps at a normal sexual functionality now but you were used to someone who was overly sexual before due to using sex as a coping mechanism. Those days could be gone and it's not her that has to change and accept, but it could be you that has to change and accept.

Good luck.

This is my *opinion*... if she is being treated for mental illness now... at a time in her life with little responsibility... she will have a lot of trouble coping with a *life full of stress*, that is a husband, children, a career, financial responsibilities, etc...

The first thing to go is sex with the husband because many women tend to blame their husbands either consciously or subconsciously for their unhappiness. It is a long way back from this, if ever.

Concentrate on other areas of this relationship, and see if its worth having less sex than you want. Then factor in the things she takes and above all talk about it.

When she says there is nothing wrong, speak up, and tell her yes it is, and figure this out together.

Then through honest communications you can work together to solve your issues, to the benefit of you both.

Hay Narcan in re : to your second post I most certainly think this is something you need to address.

Some things you can just shove under the rug and they sort of fix themselves but if you are feeling rejected that needs to be taken into consideration. Your feelings do deserve consideration.

If you cuddle and love and have loving fun without sex than your pretty lucky.

I agree with an above poster who said that sometimes anti depressants diminish a sex drive.

I would wait it out but let her know that you are wanting her but no pressure.

I don't think it would be too much to ask her to at least take care of your needs in some fashion.

I know with my BF if I'm not into it I still will try to do something for him because I love him and I want to make him happy or at least moderately content :rolleyes::rolleyes:

It sounds like you two really need to talk and lay it all on the table... I will say it again... as difficult as it is communication is the key.. Best of luck!

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Concentrate on other areas of this relationship, and see if its worth having less sex than you want. Then factor in the things she takes and above all talk about it.

When she says there is nothing wrong, speak up, and tell her yes it is, and figure this out together.

Then thru honest communications you can work together to solve your issues, to the benefit of you both.

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I agree, being honest and confronting both of your problems can be the most difficult in a relationship but can end up salvaging it.
As talaniman says, speak up when she asks, take the opportunity to voice your troubles and figure them out together.

What is her stress level like? Does she have a lot going on in her world---work? Kids? Drama? This can all make that reallife-to-sex transition very difficult. I am married (still newly wed) to my dream guy---seriously, I couldn't be more attracted to him----but we have a lot going on in our lives with work, etc.
He's a pretty 'ready to go' guy, sexually. I used to be---we would do it several times a day. BUT, I am learning that being a woman (for me) means that that transition takes work and patience from him. I love him and I crave being close to him, etc... so we kiss and hug and cuddle all the time. But, there is this thing that a guy might have a difficult time understanding and it is the part of the woman that he needs to nurture before she can be 'ready'.
BUT LIKE THE PREVIOUS POSTER SAID: it can't appear that your motive is sex--that will make it worse. Make your immediate motive be taking care of her, forget about sex... and I bet it works for you.
Like I said, I have been working through this with my husband, and it was realllly hard for him to understand. He totally thought that I wasn't attracted to him anymore. And the more I tried to explain it, the worst his feelings got hurt. So, if you guys do try talking about it, be VERY open-minded and realize that she can absolutely feel exactly what you want her to feel about you and still have a difficult time with sex.

Try being a little helpful like do the dishes for her and after a stressful day cook her dinner and take care of her.

As long as she doesn't have to lift a finger and pamper her... like a back rub may arouse her...

If she feels stressed and tired... remove what makes her stressed and tired (as much as possible)

If all else fails you to need to talk because she may not have a problem with the relationship but you do and you need to talk to her and tell her about it

Pretty much tell her your frustrated about... <aspect of not getting sex> Tell her you're human and you feel rejected and you don't like it. And tell her about your insecurities...

Women like honesty and you discussing your feeling with her. It solves problems

Besides.. you did it here just fine

Also check the meds... sometimes they lower sex drive and she may need to see her doc (bring this up sensitively)

Dude I have been in your position and I made the wrong choice. My girlfireind and I dated for 4 years and had a very strong sexual relationship. I started to experience your problems during our 5th year. I didn't understand it and I completely misread the situation. I thought her sudden and drastic fall in sex drive was her way of forcing me to propose to her. I was planning on doing it anyway so I did it. I have been married for a litle over a year and I'm still dealing with the same problem. Take my advice if there is a sexual problem in your relationship fix it before you try to move forward. You need to get it resolved or determine if it can be resolved at all. If it can't be resolved don't force it or allow her to force you to move to the next level.