So about 2 years ago I dated this guy. I broke up with him after a month, and he went kind of crazy. He harassed me for like 2 months until my dad called him and threatened him to make him leave me alone. So he kept sending me all these apologies after that. After a few months I accepted his apologies and we were friends. Sort of... he asked me back out a couple times but I said no each time (I almost said yes one of the times though, I had just had surgery and was taking pain meds for it, so I didn't have the best judgment). Then he dated this girl for like 6 months... maybe longer, I wasn't really paying attention you see when he started dating her he stopped replying to me text messages for a while... When they broke up he was like I am so depressed... and then he was like I'm actually still not over you either, and asked me out again. I said no. Anyway whatever, we started talking again this summer, and he was like I still have feelings for you, and I admitted that I still liked him. But he had a girlfriend so we both knew nothing would happen from it. I said "that's not fair to your gf." and he said "well I can't help that I still care about you. it's not like i am going to cheat on her." or something like that. A couple days after that conversation he told me they had broken up and he was sad, that he just wanted someone to mess around with to make him feel something again, and that I was the only person he trusted enough to ask. Yes I realize he was just going to use me, but I liked him a lot, so I didn't care. We didn't actually end up doing anything. He was always busy or something. Well about a month later I found out he had gotten back together with his girlfriend without telling me. I was really angry and stopped talking to him for a while, but eventually we started talking again. A couple weeks ago I was at the movies and he texted me and was like my parents are out of town do you want to come over and hang out. I said OK. Then he told me he and his girlfriend were in a down period and was like so what do you want to do, and basically it was obvious what he wanted (to make out and stuff) but he made me say it instead... cause for some reason he does that. Anyway once the movie was over I was on my way to his house when I got this text saying his girlfriend had called and wanted to work things out. So I turned around and went home. He apologized a lot and I was like its OK maybe some other time. So last Tuesday we were talking and I was like are things going better with you and her, and he said no. Then he said since they weren't getting better we should just mess around. And I am an idiot so I said OK.
Then the next day he texted me and said he had a thanksgiving party he had to go to that he hadn't known about. I got kind of pissed... I was like "listen you are messing with my head. you have a gf... you always complain about he but you still have one. I even try to ignore that fact, but you always have some excuse... I am not saying that they arent valid or that it's your fault, but I dont think you know what you want. If you want me break up with her, if you want her stop messing with my head. you are driving me crazy"
And he said "ok sorry". I told him I wanted to but I just felt so bad because he had a girlfriend, and he told me that she cheated on him (someone had told me that but I thought it was a rumor) so why couldn't he do stuff with me. And since I for some reason can't say no to him I said OK. And that we could hang on Saturday. Well I was really busy on Saturday and was going to cancel but he didn't reply to my first text so I figured there was no need to cancel if he wasn't talking to me. So later that night I was bored and was like "hey how is your weekend going" and he was like "I forgot, I am sooooo sorry" but I was busy and didn't reply automatically so he sent me this picture of himself shirtless in front of the mirror with a message saying "to make up for me forgetting. let me know if you want pics of anything else" so my best friend and I were just sitting there stunned and laughing. And she was like you should totally do it... see how far we can push it. So I texted him back asking for more pics (I have to admit I wanted them... but if she hadn't encouraged me I probably would have chickened out). So he sent me pictures... and I was like "wow" and he said "it's even better in person. you can see next time we are alone" or some crap like that. And somehow the conversation progressed and I ended up promising to give him a blow job...
I know he sounds like a jerk... all my friends despise him. And I realize he is using me to get even with his girlfriend, but I can't help myself... I can't say no...
So I feel really really bad. I don't know what to do. I know she cheated on him but that doesn't make it right for him to cheat on her does it?
Keep in mind I have only kissed a guy once... I am so inexperienced so it would be extra weird for me...
I can't say no to people, I don't know why. I like him so much and he is taking advantage of it to manipulate me. But even knowing that doesn't help me stop it. Every time I say no to him about something and feel proud of myself for drawing the line somewhere he ends up convincing me to say yes. I am such a weak person.
It doesn't help that I have been having family issues (my dad started drinking again. And I keep arguing with my parents). I just need to feel wanted. But I don't want it to be like this. I feel so so so guilty. I am such a rotten person. What do I do?
