Ask Me Help Desk - Suspicious husband

My husband read some of my messages that I had sent a friend. The messages were ambiguos so now he thinks I am having an affair and has stopped talking to me even though I have told him a million times that the messages were meant for a friend . He hasn't been speaking to me since two weeks and has made it clear that he doesn't intend to speak to me for the rest of my life. We have a kid so he's told me we'll be together for the kids sake but that our relationship will never be the same again. What do I do? I've given up on trying to convince him to look at things differently. And I'm losing hope. Should I hold on or should I move on? He has a temper problem which leads to a lot of quarrels after which he stays angry for days without talking to me. I've just been married for two years. Its insulting when he doesn't speak or look at me. What do I do? Do keep trying to convince him that I'm not cheating? Or do I give up and leave him?

As I say this, understand my personal philosophy is "save the marriage at all costs, even the cost of pride."

Having said that, you cannot give this person this control he is exercising. It is not his call that you two will "stay together for the sake of the children".

Since he's not communicating, you let him know (calmly, no "convincing despair") that you love him and would never cheat on him. Ever. Period. But, you won't live this way, you won't be treated this way by someone who is supposed to be your committed lifemate.

Give him a week to get his head together and then tell him he needs to go back to being your caring, loving, fun and doting lifemate, or he needs to leave. Not divorce, just get out. You don't have to live in a house with this much inappropriate anger. It is awful to think your kid(s) are learning that this is how loving grownups act to one another. No way. You must not let them see this go on.

Since this has nothing to do with you, (you're not doing anything, right?) since you're innocent in this, stand up to him with love, a hug and a packed bag. "Come back when you remember how to be my boyfriend/lover and eventually my husband."

If he won't leave, then take the kids and go yourself. Unless a man is forced to face the consequences of his own evil side, he won't even START the process of changing. He's decided to be angry at you and you have to live with it? Absolutely not.

Remove this power from his life. When he acts like a child, give a warning (a week's worth), then he goes in timeout until he snaps out of it.

Time out means he's no longer got access to you to belittle you by ignoring you. He has to get his crap together, apologize, then come home all forgiven. Until he does it again.

Trust me, until you make this behavior COST him something, it will happen over and over and in more and more inappropriate ways.

His insecurity is one thing. That's something you can laugh about, work on and get better on together. But this "withholding love" crap needs to backfire on him, every time, from now on.

We're rooting for you.

What if he doesn't want me back? What if he doesn't change? What if he doesn't realise that this behaviour of his is hurting me to limits? He has already told me that I can leave if I want to and to just keep him informed should I decide to do so. Should I go? Should I let go of him?

Since you are probably the primary care giver of your child I would suggest that if this truly is his attitude that you ask him to leave. Barring that, then you need to find a safe place that you can go with your child and get out.

You have to choose your own pain on this one. No matter what you do, this is going to hurt. So what will hurt less?

Being stuck in a house with no hope and no options being ignored by the only person you're allowed to be intimate with?

Or

Leaving and seeing if he comes to his senses, and if he doesn't, then starting afresh without him?

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what if he doesn't want me back? What if he doesn't change? What if he doesn't realise that this behaviour of his is hurting me to limits? He has already told me that I can leave if I want to and to just keep him informed should I decide to do so. Should I go? Should I let go of him?

Well, honestly, dear, what if? Let me put it right back on you... what if he doesn't ever change? What if this IS the best you'll get from him? You up for that?

I am not counseling you to divorce your husband. I have trouble ever uttering those words lacking physical abuse, so I am just saying getting out may be the only HOPE you have of getting him to even THINK about changing.

You need to be a strong woman. If he sees that, and knows you're not scared of his threats any more... but STILL want him to be your mate, he may come around.

He may not. What if?

The big "what if" isn't about him, it's about you. What if you had the chance to let him go in peace and start over with a chance at love with someone who knows what that actually means? What if THAT were in your future?

To make that happen, you'll have to bear some pain right now. Just make sure you're sure of what you want.

Some women would rather be in a loveless marriage than alone (not really alone, but you know it feels that way at first... ) Are you one of those?

You may be able to save this marriage, but doing so will require some fearless backbone on your part. "I love dearly, and I would stand at your side and defend you against lions. But I won't be abused by your insecurities or rudeness, no, I won't. I love you, truly, but I am no doormat. I love myself and my children enough to know that your evil behavior has no place in my home. Are you my man or are you not? If not, then fine, your call. Life is short and I have kid(s) to tend to and it will be best if you take your evil attitudes out of this house."

Harsh. Calm. Confrontational but in the most loving way you can muster.

The result may be divorce, but it won't because of anything you did or from your lack of trying to get through to him. It'll be over because he chose his own evil thoughts over you. In that case, it's best for you and the kid(s) to be rid of him anyway, right?

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Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

You have to choose your own pain on this one. No matter what you do, this is going to hurt. So what will hurt less?

Being stuck in a house with no hope and no options being ignored by the only person you're allowed to be intimate with?

Or

Leaving and seeing if he comes to his senses, and if he doesn't, then starting afresh without him?

Well, honestly, dear, what if? Let me put it right back on you... what if he doesn't ever change? What if this IS the best you'll get from him? You up for that?

I am not counseling you to divorce your husband. I have trouble ever uttering those words lacking physical abuse, so I am just saying getting out may be the only HOPE you have of getting him to even THINK about changing.

You need to be a strong woman. If he sees that, and knows you're not scared of his threats any more...but STILL want him to be your mate, he may come around.

He may not. What if?

The big "what if" isn't about him, it's about you. What if you had the chance to let him go in peace and start over with a chance at love with someone who knows what that actually means? What if THAT were in your future?

To make that happen, you'll have to bear some pain right now. Just make sure you're sure of what you want.

Some women would rather be in a loveless marriage than alone (not really alone, but you know it feels that way at first...) Are you one of those?

You may be able to save this marriage, but doing so will require some fearless backbone on your part. "I love dearly, and I would stand at your side and defend you against lions. But I won't be abused by your insecurities or rudeness, no, I won't. I love you, truly, but I am no doormat. I love myself and my children enough to know that your evil behavior has no place in my home. Are you my man or are you not? If not, then fine, your call. Life is short and I have kid(s) to tend to and it will be best if you take your evil attitudes out of this house."

Harsh. Calm. Confrontational but in the most loving way you can muster.

The end result may be divorce, but it won't because of anything you did or from your lack of trying to get through to him. It'll be over because he chose his own evil thoughts over you. In that case, it's best for you and the kid(s) to be rid of him anyway, right?

You give awesome advice. I had to spread the rep.

'Some women would rather be in a loveless marriage than alone (not really alone, but you know it feels that way at first... ) Are you one of those?'

U spoke my mind. I have asked myself the same question over and over again. And I haven't been able to make a decision.

My husband's getting back to normal... real slow though. Last night he brought home my favourite ice cream which I took as a sign calling for truce. But I'm so mad at him I don't know what to do. Should I let go of my anger, keep it aside and give my husband a bear hug. Or should I let him see that what he's done has hurt me a lot? He's being very careful in approaching me.. which makes me think he already knows I'm hurt. Because during the time he wasn't talking to me said real nasty things to me. The ball is in my court! How do I play it?

Lastly... JBeaucaire.. thanks a million for your lovely inputs.