I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but it seemed the most suitable.

My mom and dad (step dad) have been together since I was 8 (I'm 25) and he has been the rock in our life. My mom has had an addiction to pills and medication since I was 12, She is a periodical abuser though so we have had some really bad years and some really good ones. e.g. 2005 wasw horrible, she was on pills constantly except for 2 months, but 2006 and 2007 were pretty good years, she was only on pills for 3 or 4 weeks each of those years.

My dad has tried to leave before, but he never could. He always went back. And he always used us as an excuse to stay. This summer my brother left home at the age of 23 and my sister and I have lived in another city for 1 year (sis) and 6 years (me).

Lately I've seen signs of improvement. They walk the dog together, visit friends; just the two of them and they go out to dinner etc. And I really thought that things were improving

This Saturday I visited them and when my dad drove me to a friends house he told me that he is planing to leave mom and move to spain and that he will not tell anyone (EXCEPT ME AND MY SIBLINGS AND HIS OWN SIBLINGS) where he is going. He'll just pick up and leave. In about 9 months.:(

How do I deal with this? My mom will be devastated and I'm really worried that I will never see him again. Spain is really far away and if I'm lucky I'll get to see him like once a year... should I tell him my worries? Will he actually leave. :(

I would really appreciate your advice!

You pretty much have to accept the choices of others, and though you feel for them both, you must let them make their own choices.

Love them both as you always have, but make some adjustments, and keep going.

I feel for you in your situation. It is especially difficult because your step father sounds like the strength of your family, when he disappears that will leave the burden on your shoulders. I am sure with a mother for an addict it is not especially fun to step into the role of caretaker. When my parents divorced that is when my mother became an addict... pills, coke, heroine, booze, crack, always replacing one addiction with another. It is a heavy burden. Your step father has felt the weight of this burden probably for years and didn't want to break up this family and for that you should be extremely grateful. Now that the kids are grown he doesn't appear to want to carry the burden any longer.

Your mother is a grown woman and she will have to face this situation on her own. Just know that there isn't anything you can do to change these decisions. All you can do is love them and be there for them, if you can. Take it one day at a time. Make sure that your step father understands how much he means to you and take every opportunity to keep in touch with him.

I think that you should tell him how your feel. He is still your father and has taken the responsbility of raising you and your siblings all these years.

I do think that it was a bit selfish for him to tell you... what did he expect you to do? I also question his motives to move so far away and keep it a secret. He does need to stand up and tell your mother, (whether she is an addict abuser or whatever) of his intentions. No one deserves that. I saw that happen to my mother.

Most likely, it will devasate her and then you and your siblings will be the only ones near her to lean on.

I'm surprised that he hasn't taken more steps in terms of encouraging her into re-hab. My step father (who raised me) did the same thing, he packed up half our house and left one day with my brother, stopping at my high school on the way out of town to let me know that he was moving 600 miles away.

I understand that some people feel trapped in their relationship and the only way out is to pick up and leave. But you need to remind him that it's not only her that he's leaving, he's leaving you. It sounds like he has lost the energy to "fight" to keep the marriage so there is really nothing you can do if he's already made up his mind. So at this point, be honest, tell him your feelings and thoughts and also ask him to discuss what he expects the family to do once he leaves... maybe it will get him thinking about the other people involved.

As sad as this is... you must let him make this choice.

The thing you should do. Is not get yourself stuck in the middle.

Tell him. That he should have the guts to tell your mom what he is doing. As it is unfair on her. And she should also let him leave

I think the relationship between him and your mother has long gone. I think the only reason why he was staying there. Was due to his love for you and the other kids.

Which I must admit. Is very very good.
He should be happy and if he is not happy where he is. People should let him move on.

I know it will hurt your mom.
But be there for her. And him.

You are 25 now. And you have your own life to worrie about.

I know we always worrie about our moms and dads.

Mine split up when I was 12 its tough. But it was the best thing to that every happened to them.


I wish you all the best.

Don't let yourself get stuck between that rock and a hard place ;)
Be strong which I know you are

First of all I want to thank all of you for answering! And for your words and advice.

In one way I really do understand him he has been strong, hardworking, loving and he has taken so much from her. And in so many ways I have been thinking for years that she didn't deserve him, but we have been so lucky to have him.

I understand if he wants to get out, but to move to Spain just seems so excessive... he has a brother there (that I've never met) and he can get him work and stuff (my dad paints houses and is a painter\carpenter)

I've pretty much helped him from the age of 13, to be my moms mom and my siblings mom. My sister says so as well that I practically raised her.

My biggest fear is that she'll surrender completely to her addiction. We've tried to talk her into re-hab for the last ten years. It wasn't until 3 years ago that she started to realize that she has a problem. I think the worst quality she has is the lying, You can never believe a word she says. :(

Thank you for sharing your stories as well. Its hard isn't... dealing with a parent who choses to be there physically, but who constantly escapes mentally.

Uvwear; my first thought was that as well. I'm in a really good period right now and suddenly he just tells me this as I'm getting out of the car. I didn't know what to say. I just went into my friends house and broke down.

He really is the strength in my family and mom has pretty much worn us all down over the years, to the point where my brother got into a horrible fight with her at christmas 3 years ago. (physical fight)

Thank you for your advice.

I will respect his desition and I really feel that he deserves the best of everything and I have always wanted him to be happy and he needs to get out of this relationship, I've told him that for 4 years now, but I don't want him to go so far away... why can't he just stay in near by... or at least in the same region?

True fate: thank you! I must admit that my main concerns are
1. getting stuck in the middle
2. losing contact completely

We have a biological father, and he and my mom split up when I was 6 and my sister was 1. We had regular contact until I was 10, but my mom isn't the easiest person to deal with and bio-dad chickened out and we saw him 4 or 5 times a year until I was 17 then I didn't see or hear from him until I was 20.

I think that losing dad will be far harder than losing bio-dad (we have contact now, but we talk\see each other like 6-10 times a year, my siblings have no contact)

You know, in a way, maybe him leaving will bring you guys closer together. You'd be surprised that it might make you, your sister and your mother stronger because you won't have him in the picture. Before my mom died, my brother and I would fight constantly, I mean constantly. I was 11 and my brother was 8. It really only seemed like we had each other for a long time. My dad was hardly ever home. But we've been there for each other through everything ever since. I realize it's not the same situation at all but I'm just saying you might have to work harder but you'll see that you guys will be OK without him. Sure you'll miss him. I miss my mom every day, but it gets better with time.

I have to admit that I feel horrible, that I know but mom doesn't and I really think he should tell her. I mean christmas is coming up... and I'm just going to sit there with my brother, my mom, my grandma and only dad, my sis and I know. When there are 3 other people in the room that will be devastated if they knew.

What you could definitely talk to him about and I am sure he would love to hear, is that you children understand and support his ability now that you are grown to leave your mother. He may have seen Spain as the only option at the moment as he needs to rebuild a life and he has a brother, he probably doesn't see often, for stability and assistance.

If he understands your concerns, he may see other options for leaving your mother and not having to leave to go so far away. I hope that your mother has the strength to see that her addictions have caused this because that realization may help her enter a treatment program. It is hard to know how to help an addict best. Everyone says "They need to hit rock bottom" but everyone's bottom is different. I know I would step in when things were bad and think they can't possibly get worse and they always did. My mom got to the point where she was homeless, on the street, she went to jail, and still it wasn't her bottom. We were always enabling her to sink lower. Good luck. Talk with your step father, maybe there is another solution, if he feels your support.

I know how you feel I was put there..

You know the best thing to say to someone that puts you in that place..

Say

(Damn you for putting me in this place)

I can tell one thing for sure
You won't lose contact with him
You know he loves you

He just wants to get as far away from your mother as he can. Because he feels that is the only way he can escape
And he is probable scared that if he does not do it now he never well.

As I said he thinks your OK alone and your doing well
So his job is done. He does not need to be that rock anymore.

It is hard and there is no easy way out of this one.

Just tell him how you feel talk with him. See what's his reasons are

Many times with people we look up to
When they tell us something

We go.. Ok.. then think to ourselves

(What the hell?)

Talk with him and maybe you will understand more of what he wants. And maybe you guys will see something that you haven't before

You should ask him why he told you if he's not leaving for nine months. What's keeping him here until he leaves?

My dad told my sister as well, but he didn't want me to talk to her about it unless she brings it up. My family is like this impossible web of secrets.

Don't tell grandma this
Don't tell mom this... geez

Well that doesn't make things any easier does it? When you talk to him I would also tell him how hard it's going to be to not tell your mom. I mean really, that's a hard situation to be put in. he should have just told all of you at the same time. No one likes to keep secrets from loved ones.

Zoem: that's true. I told my sister that I know. We didn't discus it though. She kind of seemed as if she didn't want to, so I didn't push her.

I'm going to have a chat with dad about it and tell him.

Oh and I remembered something, the reason he isn't leaving now is 1. Christmas is coming up 2. he has a lot of jobs that need finishing 3. he is remodeling the second storey of their house and he wants to finish.

Update;

I didn't really have to worry about the whole... my mom doesn't know thing. My dad is a carpenter and he paints houses and re-models rooms. And right now he is working in this day care center where he is fixing the whole place up, apperantly he had told one of the ladies there that he was planing to leave my mom. What he didn't think about is that people talk. The guy who owns the day care center is married to one of my moms friends and she told my mom.

So all hell broke loose over the holidays. She was doped up all xmas and every night when my siblings came home (I pretty much stayed away from the house after 6 pm) my mom was arguing with my dad... he has had an affair, he met this woman and they've talked a lot and they've kissed once, which made my mom mad (which is understandable) but she kept creating hell and my sister told her to just back of, b\c my mom has cheated on dad many times (slept with guys while she's been on vacation and what not.

My sister had fights with mom late at night the 24th, the 25th and the 26th and it ended with my sister being banned from the house. My mom took her key and she told her she was not welcomed to return EVER and she deleted both my sister and me as friends on Facebook... so I was drawn into the whole thing, but I'm kind of happy about it and I understand it, b\c I would have taken my sisters side anyway. We live together in another city and we work together. So she wanted my key as well, I wasn't ever allowed to come home to get my stuff, so dad came to my grandmas house with it.

My sister has never told my mom of before, my sister told her everything that was on her mind... that my mom has wrecked our lives and that me and our brother are messed up and how I spend a 100 dollars and hour for therapy and that I've done that for years...


LOl I've always hated the holidays, and people always ask me why... this is why. So much drama

Well, just thought I'd keep you updated ;)

I haven't talked to my dad since new years, mom is watching his phone and his every move. My grand ma told me that mom has flushed all her pills down the toilet and promised my dad to stay kleen, I don't buy the latter... we've been there before

And I haven't talked to mom since the 25th of December.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist though. Having someone to talk to helps out a lot. Hang in there.

If her addiction is the reason he is leaving then he should give her an opportunity to get herself straight and then see if perhaps they can work things out ,if and when she is straight.

Perhaps the threat of losing him forever can be the catalyst to get her on the road to recovery.

He needs to understand that as an addict ,he is no longer dealing with the person.He is dealing with an addict.Addiction is a disease and I am sure he would not leave her if she had cancer.

Has she ever sought help for her addiction?

I think he has put you in a very awkward position by telling you this on the sly.Clearly your mother should be made aware of his plans.

I think a family meeting is called for here and all parties should attend and address this issue that affects all of you and try to find a solution before it is too late.

Best of luck.. Michele

I think 13 years is adequate time for him to have tried to work through her addiction issues. Whether this will be a catalyst to her recovery can no longer be his concern.

Im sorry to hear about your situation.. My father left me when I was 12- we somehow managed to keep in touch and visit when he moved to another state.. Of course your dad is going much farther. But in the end, he can't use you guys as an excuse to stay- his happiness is at stake. And so is yours. Talk to him and tell him how you'll feel with him gone, or if you guys were to ever lose contact. I hope everything works out for the best.