I will make a quick summary of my problem that is 7 yrs in the making. When my husband and I got married his daughter (resides with her mom in another state) was 4. She was the greatest kid you could ask for. Helpful, respectful, loving etc etc. She is now 12. As she got older her mother started planting things in her head about me. Everything from I hate kids with brown hair, since she has brown hair, to that I think she has fleas. I know that is stupid but when you are young you believe the things your mom tells you. Anyway, the last few years have gotten very hard, we went from being really great friends and her wearing my clothes, showing her new hair styles, make up etc to where I feel like I have to go in our room when she visits. No matter what I do, she goes home and tell her mom that I abuse her. This weekend was the hardest so far. Each time I would talk to her, she would just stare at me and walk away. I asked her for her laundry Sat. morning (3 times) and she refused to answer. So she went home and told her mom that I said I wouldn't do it, but I did my own kids laundry so she cried herself to sleep. Which is also a lie because we let all the kids sleep together and she was already asleep when I tried to cover her up. I am so hurt by these things even if she is just a kid, I love her so much. :confused: Her past at her moms house is documented physical abuse by her first stepfather, and she spends 90% of her time at her grandmothers house because her new stepdad is "mean to her". (although, she says the same about me) What do I do?:confused:

Have you and the dad tried talking to her together? I think that since you tried already to talk to her it's time for dad to step in especially since she is going home to her mom telling lies.

Her mom has already put things in her head about you and it'll take a lot to restore your friendship with her. Maybe one day she'll realize what is truly going on and she through all her mother lies.

In the meantime be patient. I think it is wrong that she's being abuse by her stepdad and that can take a toll on her too. What does her dad do about this?

Along with what liz said, maybe the three of you- your stepdaughter, husband and you could look into counseling. You know, going together so you could all talk things out and maybe having another party there to point out things that you guys might not see. In addition to that, sounds like maybe her father needs to talk to her mother about giving their daughter false information.

What role does her father, your husband play in this, and how do you know what her mother is telling her?
I like Zoe Marie's advice about doing some counseling.
She is also at that age where kids can be a pain, but she must respect you whether she likes you or not. Her father needs to take a stand.

My husband tries is very nonconfrontational with his daughter. I guess so she wouldn't hate coming here. But nevertheless she must.

My husband has continuously talked to her mother and let her know that he will not stand for the kind of behavior that she starts and his daughter palys into. The biggest problem is that since we are out of state, she just threatens to not put her on the plane. So then we have to drive down there to get her and forfeit her plane ticket. (I think this woman is truly a **$&&#*, and not just because I am the "new wife".) Anyway, when ever my stepdaughter begins to say something bad about her other house, we have shut it downa and let her know we won't tolerate it. I wish his ex was more worried about her wellbeing and making her visit fun instead of making it so she is so nervous to come. She has even told her 3 times that "she knows that if she puts her on the plane she will never see her again because he will kidnap her. Truly ridiculous!

It is still up to him to make sure she is respectful.
I think some counseling may do you all some good.

It seems like the mother needs to grow up and stop causing problems but it don't seem like that will happen. Adult needs to act like adult instead of kids.

Continue to be patient and she will come around. Counselling is good but it will even be better if the mother receives some too and stop tainting the daughter's mind.

I am going be a stepparent and had problems with my fiancé ex wife but we resolve them and I see the nice side of her now and it's good but it was a rocky road to get where we're at.

Also, I've a daughter and my fiancé and my daughter's father get along. I wish everyone can get along but it doesn't always work out that way.

I hope everything works out for you and wish for peace for you. It's going be hard to do the counselling because she lives in a different state but it doable. Do things together when she's there with your and let her father talk to her first and then together as a family.

If your stepdaughter was abused by her stepfather, was there any family counselling at the time? It seems she doesn't have much faith in most adults, apart from her grandmother, and that her mum has a lot to answer for. Can you talk with the grandmother? She might help.

Nope no counseling, her mom didn't want anyone else to know. Even though there is apolice report, there weren't even charges filed.