Ask Me Help Desk - What to think?

Hi. Well il start from beginning.
I knew him for 5 yrs at school. He had asked me out however I was wit sum1 else. He waited. Anyway I ended up single and he asked me out. That was great for me because he meant a lot to me. We got 2geva July 2005 was engaged by sept 2005 (his choice and asked me). He wanted us to be 2geva 4 ever. We started arguin after about 9 months. Anyway after being let down agen I finished him outa anger. I apologized and explained y. I ddnt want 2 loose him and we got bck 2geva. Anyway we wa meant 2 meet up agen on da weekends as we don't live tt close. He let me down each week for about 4 weeks. Then I text him 2 find out why he wasn't coming down. I got a reply where he finished me. All he said wa tt he couldn't do it anymore and tt he will always love me. So I ask if there would be chance we could get bck 2geva after a break he said yes. Now this is where I get confused. 1 min he sez he loves me and misses me. Then he h8s me, ders rumors going round and wants nowt 2 do wit me. Wel I text him asking if we could tlk. He said he wanted to be friends. Anyway we got tlkin and wa OK. He asked me 2 call so I did. He wa reali sweet and said he loves me, misses me, misses spendin time wit me and everyfin. He asked me 2 text him da nxt day. And I did. He promises 2 text me da day after when he got paid. Wel he didn't and now I've heard nowt from him. He sez he wants us 2geva but nt yet and wants 'space'. I hv heard rumors tt he has been sleeping around, tt he got off wit a lass while wit me. He's very friendly wit lasses and most of his m8s r lasses. However when I saw da email. It wa from a mate (lass) of his. Asking what happened and did he get off wit her and tt he should end it wit me if he likes her and if nt den tel her. But he replied saying tt he doesn't like her in tt way and loves me. So does this mean he did? Does he want us 2geva? Y is he messin wit ma head? I don't no what 2 do. I love him 2 pieces. He sez he's got problems and tt. But so hv I. he doesn't realise tt I'm der for him. We wa best m8s n he sez he doesn't ever want 2 loose me. So what am I 2 do? When I ask he just sez yeah we will get bck 2geva but he needs time. We and I ask how long he sez soon. Why is he not telling me nefin? I told him I wa planning on moving away. Da day he ended it I wa guna ask him 2 move in wit me. He now knows tt. He told me 2 luk for a flat away from where we live and we will hv a fresh start but now he hasn't mentioned it and I can't even get him 2 meet up and keep a simple promise. Where am I going wrong? Please please please please please please help. I'm so torned up by this. Sori it long. Tried 2 shorten it as much as poss. Anyway thxs 4 reading.

(for those unable to read this please read further down where it is in full english thank you)

Hi,
It's rather difficult reading your question, when it's using shortened abbreviations, like "neway", luk, whatever.
Typing on here might get you more answers if you type in plain English, instead of texting type stuff for cell phone, and chat.
I am 64 yrs old, married 29 yrs, and do know that life is wonderful. But, sometimes one gets "good" and "bad" in relationships.
Do you think it's time you moved on? Find someone else?
Your boyfriend isn't that interested in you. If he were, he would be caring, love you, want to be with you all the time, and he would do anything to make you happy.
It doesn't sound like he is the one for you. We don't always get what we want, or who we want. My first marriage of 7 yrs ended in Divorce. So even with marriage, life isn't always the way we want it.
My suggestion is to start talking with other boys. SMILE, and it shows you like yourself... others will like you, too. It takes awhile to get over someone, but you can do.
I do wish you the best, and good luck.

Yes, It is hard reading your question. Please re write it without any short form and it will be easier to answer your question.

I'd like to help, but can't read that.

My true advice is to forget about this guy AND GO BACK TO SCHOOL AND LEARN HOW TO WRITE!! That's MORE important than some guy you don't get along with and don't share the same interests.

Education IS a LOT more important than some former love. If you were educated better you WOULD not have heartache as you WOULD have other things in life to keep you busy.

Hard to spread the love to everyone who answered so far all at once, so I'll do it this way!!

What the heck? I don't understand either. As everyone has said, please rewrite in plain english, and we can give you better answers.

He disappoints you over and over, Doesn't call at the agreed time, And messes around when ever he pleases and all your friends know this. The problem isn't him its you. If you let him treat you any kind of way then he will and has. Leave this guy alone and stop listening to anything he says because he hasn't kept his word not once as well as not respecting you at all. If you think he'll change and are willing to be his personal door mat then stay and pay the consequences, otherwise In my opinion you should get out and find a much happier and HEALTHIER relationship.;) :cool:
Thank God my daughter was here to translate this mess and she even had a hard time! :confused:

I refuse to answer on the grounds that I don't have a clue as to what the question is. This is a message board so please type out your message accordingly. There is no limit to space. Put down the cell phone and step away. Get back in touch with communication in the form of full wording. Please for your own sake.

I wnt to be 8bl 2 rd your pst- b I cnt. I wnt 2 get 2geva with you on this. Please rewrt.

Ok. If u must know I have got a good education. I choose to write in text, as that is how I talk to my friends and find it a lot more quick. However to help you all out I will write in full English.
Hello.
I will start from the beginning.
I knew Dan for 5 years at school. He had asked me out during this time, however I was with someone else. Anyway I ended up single about a year after leaving school and he asked me out again. That was great for me because he meant a lot to me, as we had been friends for 6 years by this point. We got together in July 2005 and were engaged by September 2005 (it was his choice and asked me).
He wanted us to be together forever. We started arguing after about nine months over small minor details. We live approximately 35 – 40 miles apart. Anyway after being let down again by him not turning up to see me or going to the pub when he had made prior arrangement with myself, I finished him just out of anger. I apologized immediately and explained why. I did not want to loose him and we got back together straight away. Anyway we were meant to meet up again on the weekends following, as this is the only time we have available. He let me down each week for about 4 weeks. Then I text him to find out why he wasn’t coming down to see me. The only reply I got was that he ‘could not do it anymore and that he will always love me’. So I ask if there would be a chance we could get back together after a break he said yes. Now this is where I get confused. One minute he is telling me that he loves me and misses me etc. Then he hates me, there are rumours going around and that he wants nothing to do with me. Well I text him asking if we could talk, He said yes and he wanted to still be best friends. Anyway we got talking and were OK. He asked me to call him so I did. He was really sweet and said he loves me, misses me, misses spending time with me and us generally being together and the things we did as a couple. He asked me to text him the next day and I did. He promises to text me the day after when he got paid. Well he didn’t and now I have heard nothing from him. He said he wants us together but not yet and that he wants 'space' to sort his head out and the problems he is having. He has told me there is nobody else and he still wants to be with me. However I have heard rumours that he has been sleeping around, and that he got off (kissed) a girl while with me. This is not like him and I am not sure what to think of it. He is very friendly with lasses and most of his mates are girls. This is not a problem for me if I know them. However when I saw a certain email. It was from a mate (lass) of his asking what happened between this other girl and him and did he get off (kiss) her and that he should end it with me if he likes the other girl and if not then tell her. But he replied saying that he doesn’t like her in that way and loves me. So does this mean he did? Does he want us together? Why is he messing with my head? I don’t know what to do. I love him to pieces. He said he has got problems. But so have I. He doesn’t realise that I am there for him. We were best mates and he said he doesn’t ever want to loose me. So what am I to do? When I ask he just tells me that we will get back together but he needs time. When I ask how long he said soon. Why is he not telling me anything? I told him I was planning on moving away. On the day he ended it I was going to ask him to move in with me. He now knows that. He told me to look for a flat away from where we live and we would have a fresh start but now he hasn’t mentioned it and I can't even get him to meet up and keep a simple promise. Where am I going wrong? Please please please please please please help. I am so torn up by this. I don’t want to loose him, as I really do love him. Sorry it long. Tried to shorten it as much as poss. Anyway thanks for reading.
Sam
p.s. I am new to the site and did not realise that full english was require. As I'm sure you are aware that many people my age write in text format and it is very common. Terribly sorry for any inconvence.

I do have a good education and I have just finished my course. Got a new job and further interview. I was also looking for a flat but that has changed my future plans due to the break up of my last relationship. However I find relationships rather important in my life and if someone is special it hurts a lot. As for interest we do have similar interest and hobbies. Obviously not exactly the same. We do get on and can be very good together when alone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Here_To_Help- Jon

I wnt 2 b 8bl 2 rd ur pst- b I cnt. I wnt 2 get 2geva with u on this. Pls rewrt.

As it happens I can read what you put perfectly well. As I am only 18 I am used to this sort of format. I have re written it in full english.

Thank you for retyping it.

If you are still at the stage where you think you have to do something to make someone like or love you, then its really wise to back up a bit. That is a sure indication that "YOU" haven't fullly developed enough to handle a full-on relationship. A wise person told me we crawl before we walk and we walk before we run. This is especially true of relationships.

Be friends first and get good at that, then date and get reasonably good at that, then IF you find someone who really interests you, date them some more, show them off to your friends, eventually meet their family, freak out over meeting their family, get over being freaked out, date exclusively, have them meet your family, freak out over them meeting your family, get over being freaked out, and then one day become engaged. By then you should know each other very well and have some SIZABLE measure of trust established along with the love. If you do not have the kind of trust where you would trust them with your very life, then you are probably not ready to be engaged.

Rushing that process is a recipe for disaster. It means you don't have enough foundation under you, you are easily freaked out trust-wise and now you are resorting to looking at every little detail as a clue, which is what your post is all about. It may seem unfair but I think you two missed a few very essential steps and now you are paying for it. It might not turn out salvagable but in either case... back up, regroup and sloooooow down. Love simply does not rush well.

Thanks for posting and I hope that helps.

Had to spread it around Val, but I think this is an excellent post to a good relationship, old fashioned, but the best way! Youngsters seem to want everything now and it doesn't work that way. I have a few red flags about this fellow though and I think that she should really be sure he's worth it in my opinion.

I personally think you should focus on getting your new place, getting your new job. Without having this person in the picture at this time or maybe not again. If you focus the flat and job and eventually everything else will come in place. Please do not rush it. Maybe both of you need some growing apart and growing up before any moving in together. You need to find your own way and obvously he needs to find his own way. You move, he knows where you are. Right. Let it be. IF it is meant to be it will work out, but you have plenty of time in your life for a relationship. Your mistake is you put so much into a relationship and need for it, you do not slow down to enjoy it, or even to realize that maybe just maybe this person is not for you. I am not saying that is the case but just giving you examples of what could happen if your focused on the wrong things.

Joe

Thank you for your reply. I cannot get my flat now as it is not possible for me to pay for it on my own. I have got the job and have tried moving on. I do feel very strongly for dan. To be honest he moved faster than me. I had not considered getting engaged or anything more than dating. However this is what he wanted and it felt right. It was going OK and I still do not know why he ended it. I have backed off in case I was to forward with him or he felt like I was pushing him. I really think that we could be a wonderful couple. My problem is I don't know why he is telling me two different things such as the 'loves me, misses me, wanted to get a flat' and sometimes its ' makes promises and breaks them, doesn't speak to me'. I don't know what to do.

Like I said, in my opinion. Leave him alone. Do not look desperate by trying to chase after him. This advice has been given time and again and I think that is why I give it as well. If he does not keep his promises and keeps breaking them, what does that tell you about Dan? If and when you speak to him be honest with him. One minute he is promising things and the next he is changing his mind. Ask him what is the deal and you want him to be able to talk to you with whatever is on his mind. After that I really do think you should leave it alone. You did your best. You need to leave him alone. Step back and just not put such an importance on a relationship right now. Focus on your job.

Joe

It seems that in the age of 'fast texts' we've also gotten used to 'fast relationships'.

You put him off in the beginning because you were not 'single'. Then, you let him into your life... after that , you hastened - even though you said it was his idea - into an engagement (sort of). To me, it comes across that neither of you have had enough experience in relationships and how to treat your partners, and that you both need more time with 'independence' before being dependent on each other.

You should both work on further education, values of friendship, gossip-control, and just plain getting to know each other.

Do you even know what it was that attracted you to each other? What do you really know about this young man, and what does he know about you? If you communicated with each other as you do in your messages, then I don't think that you've had the opportunity to share anything else but your bodies. If that's the case, then don't count on this or any other relationship in the future to work out for you.

Any relationship, no matter what your age, takes a lot of communication, understanding, sharing, and caring. In order to do that, you must be sure of yourself before you can be sure of a partnership.

So, just relax, give him space, give yourself space. Move into the new flat, organize the rest of your life first, then invite him into it again and see if he's worth your time and effort.

He also has a bit of growing to do, and it might be to both of your advantages.

When you rush into things, and always want them your way, and there are two people involved - you'll wind up having just as many negative experiences as a crash-dummy.

Good luck, and keep us posted.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/7/7_3_206.gif You can't ride together if you don't know each other, you'll set yourself up for a fall.

Thx for the re-write. Much clearer now. I can only say that I don't think you are doing anything wrong - so lighten up on yourself. Suggest you take several of the question syou have put in your post here and ask HIM those very questions. If he can't share with you what is going on with him, then my guess is your relationship is not as developed as you think it is. You can also say that you need answers to help you make your own choices - that you can't just wait around while he sorts out his issues. First things first - get him share what is going on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxsamxx110

i cannot get my flat now as it is not possible for me to pay for it on my own.

Could you get a roommate or a girlfriend to share a place with?

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxsamxx110

to be honest he moved faster than me. i had not considered getting engaged or anything more than dating

Next time could you assert yourself more? A woman who simply goes along with whatever he says can turn into something of a drag eventually?

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxsamxx110

it was going ok and i still do not know why he ended it.

Someone here spoke of a terrific book you might find interesting... here it is Its Called A Breakup Because Its Broken. Says gently to you... as hard as it is, you have a reality happening that says its not going okay and it seems as if he is reluctant to tell you why. If he won't tell you, then you will end up having to move on not knowing. Having been there I can tell you it's a survivable event... it feels crappy all right but eventually you right yourself like a knocked down sailboat standing back up. That takes time and the hurt subsides slowly. I know, more of what you don't want to hear but it is the truth... you will eventually be fine.

"If you are still at the stage where you think you have to do something to make someone like or love you, then its really wise to back up a bit." Oh my god that soooooooooooooo huge! Thank you Val for writing that - why didn't you tell me that 15 years ago?

Leave him alone for now. You can NEVER convince someone to like you - ever. You shoul also never try to impress someone ever.

Well I would just like to say thanks. I made a decision last week that by the first of July I would move on and not chase after him anymore. Well here it is and I'm not going to. Wel before we got together he managed to called me after 6 months of no contact and if he wants it to work he can do it again or leave me alone. As I said it did feel right and I guess I did go along with it with the thought that it would work out. Well if I've learnt anything from this its not to rush and look at my future as myself only. If someone worth it comes along then they can be adjusted. I will not be moving out at the moment but will be saving up and moving away for a proper fresh start. I will call, text, email him etc no longer. I'm moving on. Free and single :) thanks again.

"valinors_sorrow agrees: errmmm when the student is ready . . . .? LOL, I love your net appearing statement too, have I told you that yet, Kitty?" - Student?? Haha! We're all students here!! The 'net' quote is one of my favorites - you did not tell me that. We all need to think that way about relationships - ESPECIALLY DEEP DOWN WHEN YOU KNOW IT'S OVER.