Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend no sex

Hey,

I've been going out with a girl for about 13 and a half months. I love her dearly and
I don't want to leave her. She's even coming up for Christmas this year to see my family.

We haven't had sex since July.

She says she hates sex, doesn't want it, and freaks out whenever it goes that direction (panic attacks) or when she gets aroused, and that when we were having sex before (albeit not often, probably at the rate of once every week and a half or less) she didn't really enjoy it and was doing it only because she thought it was the right next stage in the relationship. She is fine with blowjobs, etc. but they are not what I want - I just want to be able to touch her - and even if I was fine with only oral sex it's at the rate of one a week or less, again, which isn't anywhere close to the amount of intimacy I want.

She is under pretty constant emotional stress which I understand but she has been mostly better in the past couple of weeks once she stopped taking birth control (it was screwing with her head and making her feel consistently depressed). She wanted to see the campus couples therapist with me, but has since changed her mind. She says she wants to change, and I believe her, but I just can't wait forever on this. She might be able to change in a year or two, but I will lose my sanity.

I'm going across the state for an internship at the end of January where I will be next to a major party campus. I feel like a bag of for admitting this but aside from the internship all I want to do there is have lots of sex with FSU girls. I'm not going to - I am not a cheater! - but the thought of women who actually want to have sex with me feels a lot like relief.

I don't want to leave her. I also can't, because I think it would destroy her emotionally. I've promised her I'm not going anywhere. But the more this hell drags on the more miserable I get with the situation. It's not all bad - her emotional state has improved - but I am just consistently disappointed with almost everything about the relationship at this point. What do I do?

I should also note that this type of thing is something I have been frustrated about since we started HAVING sex back in like, December.

It sounds like she has a problem from her past that prevents her from enjoying sex. If she is unwilling to get the help she needs then your only choice is to break up with her and move on. Remember no matter what having lots of sex with multiple partners is one shure way to contract a STD. It would not be fair to her if you did that so no matter what I would think you have to make a choice here,

Dude this is not a good situation. How is her self image? Does she see herself as attractive? That is my first thought. I had a girlfriend once who was quite pretty but was always told she was too fat by her mother, so she was uncomfortable in her own body. She too was cool with doing oral because it kept her out of the loop, she did not have to expose her body. We went on to work it out as time went on.

But I am afraid that she has some major issues which you are only beginning to delve into. For one thing the comment about her not standing a breakup is very scary to me.

The counseling route is the way to go. Get a professional involved, this is no small issue, but could be the tip of the iceberg. Do you sense many other issues in her life? How about her past, parents, other boyfriends? You see this could become very complicated. If you really love her go for it and see if you can help her work through it. But sometimes the best advice is to remember that you can't fix other people if they don't want to, or can't fix themselves, and the best thing to do is protect yourself at some point.

Okay so you have promised her you will never leave her but you are stuck in a relationship where it is NOT going to get any better --at least not in that department. It is impossible to make the other have sex when they do not want it and if they do go along with it it can not be very satisfying to you either since she is not putting her heart into it.
As the others have said it is something psychological going on with her and you will never have a healthy sex life until you get to the root of the problem. SO you need to put conditions on 'never leaving her' and put the ball in her court. Tell her that you will continue with her if she will go to get counseling to get to the bottom of what is going on with her. It could be something in her past, feeling dirty or whatever. I know that if I am not into a guy like head over heels and feeling a soul type connection with them I am the same way you say your girl is so it could possibly be something as simple as her subconsciousness letting her know you aren't the one.
But again it could be many different possibilities that she apparently needs counseling to figure out since she can not seem to come out and say why it is she hates it.

I am sorry to hear about your situation and I can tell that you really care about this girl, but I don't think this is something she will overcome without therapy. There is something going on with her, possibly in her past, that is preventing her from enjoying sex. Without addressing the issue the situation will probably not change.

Because you love her you can choose to be supportive and you will probably have to be very patient. But it is also very reasonable to want to have a relationship that involves a healthy sex life. Although I think you were only half serious about wanting lot of sex with lots of women, you sounded like you would just be happy for lots of sex with one.

You need to address this issue before you move because although your intent is not to cheat, sometime physical attraction can change things and you would regret cheating.

Talk to your girl, heavily stress again the need for you both to attend counseling. Do not be afraid to discuss with her your desire for an active sex life, she needs to address this situation out in the open, don't allow her to brush it off as insignificant. The situation is not.

Okay, she got you to promise that you're not going anywhere, and she doesn't have to do a THING to keep you now.

Your counter-ultimatim is this: You stay as long as she is in counseling, preferably couples counseling with you. If she refuses to stay in counseling, you leave.

She has SERIOUS issues, especially with intimacy. It's NOT going to get better without a LOT of therapy. If she won't go, then you need to leave, or the longer you wait, the worse it will get.

Your girlfriend is a basket case at the present time... time for her to get some serious therapy before she "accidentally" gets pregnant and compounds a problem until it is beyond repair.

No more sex with her and help her get into therapy. Tell her you can remain friends, but you and she are no longer a couple.

Be a stand up guy.

There is no way to prevent suffering in this life, the suffering of breaking up... it is not all bad after the raw emotions wear off, it is the substance of personal growth and depth of personality.

Thank you for all the advice. I can type up a longer response later, but I don't really have the time. There are certainly more personal issues which I know about I wouldn't feel comfortable discussing here, but thank you for all the tips.

I don't know if I want to force couples counseling on her. We have made a lot of progress with her issues just between the two of us (or so I'd like to hope) and she says she doesn't think she'd be able/willing to talk to someone else about this.

I was joking about having lots of sex with FSU girls, and I am not the type to cheat on someone. I mostly meant I just kind of want a relationship in which I feel like they're attracted to me. Though it's not like breaking up with her will lead to another relationship or a better sex life anytime soon (BOY I LOVE GOING TO A SMALL COLLEGE [NOT]) if at any time at all in the foreseeable future.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

You need to address this issue before you move because although your intent is not to cheat, sometime physical attraction can change things and you would regret cheating.

I don't mean to brush this off as a valid concern, but I am just not the type of person who can cheat. Hell, I can barely get in a fight with my girlfriend without feeling so bad I want to cry an hour later. She's the same way.

Too nice I guess!

Quote:

Originally Posted by CubFanAl

Dude this is not a good situation. How is her self image? Does she see herself as attractive? That is my first thought. I had a girlfriend once who was quite pretty but was always told she was too fat by her mother, so she was uncomfortable in her own body. She too was cool with doing oral because it kept her out of the loop, she did not have to expose her body. We went on to work it out as time went on.

She asks me whether I find her attractive etc. every once in a while but every girl does that - the issue isn't with looks, I think, but self esteem.

Her parents are okay in general standards but her dad is a 'class clown' type individual who always makes derogatory cracks without really being nice that often, her mom doesn't stick up for her very much when that type of thing happens, and frankly her sister isn't the most pleasant individual on the planet some of the time... (example: sister crashed her car, demanded the parents make my girlfriend give her hers as a replacement because she 'wouldn't drive an old honda' - the replacement vehicle the parents bought - and that my girlfriend accept the downgrade to the new crappier vehicle. My girlfriend accepted partially because she didn't want a fight and partially because the parents offered to pay for her gas if she just took the old honda. This despite the fact that her sister is 24, married, and has a job.)

So she didn't exactly have a home life that was confidence building, high school for her sucked as much as it did for me, and now she's not doing too well in classes, which also isn't the best for her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CubFanAl

But I am afraid that she has some major issues which you are only beginning to delve into. For one thing the comment about her not standing a breakup is very scary to me.

I don't think breaking up with her would result in her committing suicide or anything, but she is a former cutter and has repeatedly told me she doesn't know what she'd do without me. I am mostly worried she would resume cutting or get despondent and flunk out of school.

Also, I would be stuck holding the bill for a round-trip pittsburgh-florida plane ticket for when she goes home with me for christmas, and who can find a nice girl to take home to your parents in a month and a half?

Quote:

Originally Posted by CubFanAl

The counseling route is the way to go. Get a professional involved, this is no small issue, but could be the tip of the iceberg. Do you sense many other issues in her life? How about her past, parents, other boyfriends? You see this could become very complicated. If you really love her go for it and see if you can help her work through it. But sometimes the best advice is to remember that you can't fix other people if they don't want to, or can't fix themselves, and the best thing to do is protect yourself at some point.

That's part of the problem. I think that the only thing motivating her to try to better herself is me at this point. We've talked about her issues and I guess at this point I am kind of a personal therapist to her at this point which is good in a communicative sense but I wish that she had other people to talk to, which she doesn't really.

Make a clean break... this is a hopeless and unhealthy situation for both of you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Choux

Make a clean break....this is a hopeless and unhealthy situation for both of you.

I appreciate the concern, but (and I'm sure you've heard this before) I can't just leave like that. I think that I need to at least attempt the therapy route first and see how it works.

I've been with this girl for over a year, so I owe her - and myself - much more than that.

Believe me I understand that you care about her, good luck in your discussion about seeking counseling. Keep us updated on whether she is willing to attend because she will have to attend in order for the two of you to have a healthy relationship.

What you are hearing from everyone is that when you don't enjoy sex there is an underlying reason and most of the time it is not an easy situation to deal with. Even through counseling she may still have a hard time being intimate for a long time, if not for years and you are frustrated now just understand that you may be signing up for more than you can handle. And if you believe she is too fragile for a break up she will definitely be more fragile once therapy starts and then you decide to leave her. Just understand what you are signing up for and like I said good luck, keep us posted.

Look... I know it seems like we can't see your situation and your position from where we stand... thing is, most of us have been either in your position or in a similar position somewhere along the way... who here hasn't done a dumb thing for sex, for want of companionship, for wanting to validate time spent on a relationship?

And I don't mean to sound like I think you should cut and run when a relationship gets tough... I'm married 8 years now... it's the best of the best at times and all the strength you can muster to stay at times.

But here... you cannot save her. It isn't your job or your duty.

Yes... long term relationships take work and deserve some respect. That does not mean you throw yourself under a boot time and time again.

Denying a basic need... to feel the intimacy and connection you get through physical touch... is not noble or honorable.

To make any relationship last and work, you both need to find middle ground. My lover's drive is lower than mine. Sure, I get pent up at times, but I also understand her position, know she's trying to meet me halfway, and we are more on the same page most of the time than not. There are moments of frustration, tempered by moments of complete connection.

Scour the threads here and you see people in long term relationships who are MISERABLE due to physical incompatibility.

no... it is not all there is to a relationship, but its one of a few fundamental pillars common in most good relationships. If you and your partner are really that far off, at the very most you need to see if she will be willing to seek help, as others have mentioned.

If she isn't willing to do this, then she's made her choice. And you cannot "save" a person who doesn't want to be saved.

Seriously... as much as sex gets a bad rap at times... it is a primary means of intimate connection, a means by which partners show commitment to each other.

If it was just about an orgasm, hell, I can do that myself. Its about connecting, feeling wanted, feeling the partners presence. And an orgasm isn't bad either.

She agreed to see someone with me as soon as I said "I want to see a therapist".

We'd covered the idea of seeing one in the past (her initiative) and she decided she didn't want to see one and that we could do it just together, but I guess once I threw it out there as something I definitely want to do she said yes. She seemed a little hurt that I thought there was a possibility she'd say no.

I guess I'll see how the sessions go.

Good luck to you. Keep us up to date.

I'm so glad she'll go to a therapist with you.

Frankly, you're her BOYFRIEND, not her THERAPIST. It will do neither of you any good if you try to be the one to help her with all of her issues. Yes, it's good to help our partners, but it needs to be equal, and the situation you're describing is NOT.

Please let us know how it goes with the therapist.

maby you will get a good christmas present or ask her see will think it is sweet and won't get mad because you assume it!! =)

Well, she told me she didn't want to go last night, and so we ended up skipping the appointment.

I don't know what to do now.

I think that is your answer, you can not be willing work on this alone.