Over the weekend, my wife of nearly 2 years found out that I was looking at porn while she was away for the night. I know that it hurt deeply and I'm so sorry for hurting her like that. I love my wife very much and I think she's the most beautiful person in the world. I'm very attracted to her and desire her immensly so it's not that she wasn't satisfying me or anything, she satisfies me very much. I know this sounds horrible, but I was bored and home alone so I looked at it, it wasn't anything crazy. I'm not addicted to it or anything, I don't look at it on a daily basis and I'll never look at it again and it won't be an issue. She is livid right now and just left to go home for a while and told me that she doesn't want to be married to me. She told her parents as well as mine, which made me very angry. I know why she's hurt and I understand which is why I won't look at it again. But is what I did that horrible? I mean every guy that I know looks at porn once in a while. Does this constitute cheating? I'm not looking for people to justify my actions, I really want to know what people think. Like I said, regardless what people say, I won't look at it again but in my case it's too late I guess. She's especially upset that I looked at particular people, she said that I "sought them out" which makes hurts her more. I mean I just looked at people that I knew of? Obviously it's moraly wrong but don't pretty much all guys do it? I would never cheat on her, or ever had the slightest desire to. I don't know what to do, I can't talk to her because she's so angry... she spit in my face and slapped me hard as hell several times when she found out. What can I do to show her that she's the only woman that I desire because she is?

I can only speak for myself, of course. I am not threatened by pornography. I would not be upset. That having been said if my husband sought it out and hid that from me, I would be upset, not by the porno but by the lying. Did you have an understanding about porno? Did you know what her reaction could/would be?

My bigger concern would be her spitting in your face and slapping you. If a woman posted that her husband spit in her face and slapped her I guarantee the advice would be to get out and have him arrested for assault.

What would I do? I'd leave her alone until she calmed down and I would also address the spitting/hitting because no matter how much I love anybody, no matter how much my partner and I upset each other, I'm not living with violence.

It's not cheating. You did NOTHING wrong. And to be honest If my fiancée ever spit in my face and slapped me that would be the LAST time any of her skin or bodily fluids ever touched me. Now that I think about it your wife should be on here writing I over reacted spit in my husbands face and slapped him for looking at porn once. What do I do to make it up to him.

STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!!

Your wife's actions were outrageous, appalling and illegal (more specifically felonious in many places). You've been a victim of domestic violence. She's been a victim of nothing.

There is nothing wrong with what you did and you should never have to explain yourself to her for this. Frankly, if you looked at porn it's none of her business.

Think seriously about whether you intend to stay with this violent lunatic. Think about it not once, but many times. If you decide to stay (and I'd advise against it), make it abundantly clear that if this behavior of hers continues you will call the police. The focus is NOT and SHOULD NOT be that you looked at porn but instead that she committed a serious act of domestic violence against you.

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Originally Posted by cadillac59

Your wife's actions were outrageous, appalling and illegal (more specifically felonious in many places). You've been a victim of domestic violence. She's been a victim of nothing.

There is nothing wrong with what you did and you should never have to explain yourself to her for this. Frankly, if you looked at porn it's none of her business.

Think seriously about whether you intend to stay with this violent lunatic. Think about it not once, but many times. If you decide to stay (and I'd advise against it), make it abundantly clear that if this behavior of hers continues you will call the police. The focus is NOT and SHOULD NOT be that you looked at porn but instead that she committed a serious act of domestic violence against you.

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I think you totally missed my point - everyone is in agreement about the assault but I still don't know if they ever discussed porn, what their understanding about it was.

And I really don't understand the "none of her business" comment. If they discussed watching porn and he agreed not to watch it, it does become her business because he lied to her.

Aside from the assault - did he lie to her and was that the reason for her reaction? Or does she have some sort of past history which makes porn upsetting to her? Does he have a past problem? Is there some sort of problem in the bedroom?

Or, as you put it, is she simply a violent lunatic.


I don't see the whole picture here.

We never formally discussed porn like that. I mean obviously I knew she would be pissed. She's asked me in the past if I look at porn and I told her no knowing what her response would be. I didn't think it was something that I should discuss with her? I mean I'm not into weird things and I don't look at porn that often and it's not even a case where I get off on this stuff, I'm just a normal guy and guys check girls out from time to time. Yes we had issues in bed in the past. I had never been with another girl prior to her so initially I was very self conscience about sex, especially knowing how many guys she had been with in the past and knowing who there are (not a huge number, high single digits) so I felt pressure initially and it led to performance issues. She has been understanding about that but then again she's also been pissed and threw things in my face that made me feel more self conscience. Honestly, I got over all that but still we didn't have sex as often as she wanted, we did usually 3 to 4 times a week but she's made it clear to me that she's not satisfied sexually. Bottom line is that I still feel a tremendous amount of pressure when we have sex, it's compounded by the fact that I have a lot of pressure at work and increasingly amount of pressure from her, outside of sex. When I've looked at porn, it's never been about the girls, it's mainly the fact that there's no pressure involved.

We have been fighting about other things as well lately, things that she says makes her not trust me already. That's a whole nother can of beans but to summarize, there's been problems between her and my family member and I continued to talk to that person after she's given me the ultimatum of her or him, I told her I would stop talking to him so we wouldn't fight anymore but I continued to on a limited basis. Also, I have not been frank about our finances. I'm in banking and things are tough right now so I don't discuss finances with her because it only adds to the pressure already on me. She'll often degrade me for not being "successful enough", not in such nice terms, and I honestly just don't feel like contiuously defending myself. I know where I'm at in my career and I'm very happy about it, it's just a rough patch right now and there's a very bright light at the end of the tunnel but when I mention that she hardly listens. So I don't try, I don't talk to her about good things at work or bad things, I just keep plugging away because I know it's a matter of time.

Well I think your wife is overreacting to everything that you've told us. Porn is NOT that bad.

She must have some serious self-conscious issues if she's threatened by it.

You really do need to stand up for yourself. It sounds like you both are not communicating well at all, and that's a huge problem right there. You need to sit down and talk to her, or preferably, you should see a marriage counselor that can give you both an unbiased opinion of handle to handle your situation.

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Originally Posted by married23

She's asked me in the past if I look at porn and I told her no knowing what her response would be.

but still we didn't have sex as often as she wanted, we did usually 3 to 4 times a week but she's made it clear to me that she's not satisfied sexually. . . .When I've looked at porn, it's never been about the girls, it's mainly the fact that there's no pressure involved.

I told her I would stop talking to him so we wouldn't fight anymore but I continued to . . .

Also, I have not been frank about our finances.
it's just a rough patch right now

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Because you regularly lie to her, I think she's learned not to trust you, and the porn was just the last straw. It's not about is porn okay or not. Some couples are fine with it, some not. It's not about whether it's okay with us, it's about whether it's okay with your wife and if you two can sort that out. You should not lie to her. She should not have spit on you and hit you.

You two have major problems. If you cannot learn to stop lying and instead start talking out your MANY differences with her, and she cannot learn to keep her temper, you are doomed to continue hurting one another.

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Originally Posted by asking

Because you regularly lie to her, I think she's learned not to trust you, and the porn was just the last straw. It's not about is porn okay or not. Some couples are fine with it, some not. It's not about whether it's okay with us, it's about whether it's okay with your wife and if you two can sort that out. You should not lie to her. She should not have spit on you and hit you.

You two have major problems. If you cannot learn to stop lying and instead start talking out your MANY differences with her, and she cannot learn to keep her temper, you are doomed to continue hurting one another.

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Absolutely - I thought from the beginning that it was about deception, not porn - and if she's not satisfied in the bedroom she may very well think you're using your best efforts somewhere else, i.e. another woman, porn, who knows what.

But, again, you have been assaulted, which is over the top.

You need couples counselling or you need to end your mutual pain now. Things will only get worse.

I wouldn't stay with her another 5 seconds (but then I would never be with a woman anyway because I'm gay, but that's beside the point).

But think about it. She assaults you and thinks you don't perform adequately to satisfy her (she apparently couldn't care less whether you enjoy it or not).

Oh dump her now. File for divorce and ask her to pay you spousal support and attorney fees.

I agree. You'd be doing both of you a favor.

I'm sorry to sound so quick with an answer but life is too short to put up with this nonsense.
I've known people who ended relationships the FIRST time there was domestic violence. Not the second or third, but the FIRST. I know of someone who divorced his wife the FIRST time she slapped him and frankly I think the guy made the right choice.

My position is ZERO tolerance for domestic violence. The first time it happens should be the last and should also mark the end of the relationship. And don't say you "love" the person. Too bad. Forget it. You'll find someone else to love. It's a big world out there.

Dude, I know where you're coming from. She doesn't need to be acting like that, especially if it isn't a topic you've previously discussed. I understand where she's coming from, but she is overreacting if she has never told you not to look at pornography. Just let her know, when she's willing to listen, how much you love her and how desirable she truly is to you. It sounds like you really love her. Pretty much all you can do is promise her it won't happen again and maybe try to do something to make her FEEL desirable and pretty and loved. As far as the physical abuse of her hitting you, you have to let her know that it isn't acceptable. I know a lot of people think domestic violence is mainly a man abusing a woman, but just because you may be bigger and stronger doesn't make it OK. I hope everything works out, man.

P.S. - If she truly loves you it will work out. If she still wants to go forward with the divorce, then there's more to her wanting to divorce you than just this situation. As far as her telling both your families about the situation, don't be embarrassed. Im sure the men in your families are secretly rooting for you and think the whole situation is absurd.

I think the porn issue is personal issue. I personally don't have a problem with it. If it is not ruling my husband's day - then I don't care if he looks at it every now and then.
And there have been times we have watched together. Of course, our experience is different. (I sit in shock sometimes)
Now, if I DID have a problem with and he knew this and then LIED about it and hid it from me, there is the problem.
For me it wouldn't necessarily be the porn itself, but the fact that he felt he had to lie. A lie is a lie. It breaks down trust and trust is hard to get back.

Now, the fact that she spit on you and hit you and told anyone who would listen - that tells me she needs to grow up. What goes on in your marriage is NO ONE's business. Not your mom not her mom, only you and her!

You got yourself one drama queen there bud. I don't think it takes much to set her off, so enjoy the peace, and quiet, while you can.

It is advisable to be completely honest before posting on such sites. Married23 failed to mention that he had cheated on his wife in the past, lied to her about finances (and depleated the bank accounts), and also look at porn on a regular basis while at work. Yes your wife has no right to hit you, she is an idiot for that. But that shows her lack of self control, which sucks for her. But knowing both sides, I realize this porn situation was really only the straw that broke the camel's back. Looking at porn on a regular basis, going out of your way to delete it, and then try to play the victim? I would fall for this, but considering my husband is doing the Same thing and knowing of both sides of this situation, I think you have no backbone. Not while dealing with her, or anyone else. You continue to do what pleases you, regardless of what she's asked of you. You cheated on her, lied to her, and disrespected her prior to her finding your porn. Please speak honestly when posting on such sites, at least if you want an HONEST objective opinion.

I think she did over-react in this case. Did she ever told you that looking at porn is a no no? Almost every man looks at porn and it is a normal thing to do. I don't care if my fiancé looks at porn as long as he doesn't he is not doing it around me or in my room.

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Originally Posted by dolloflove

Did she ever told you that looking at porn is a no no?

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Yes. And he told her he never looked at it because he didn't want to have to deal with her.

He also told her he was not hanging out with someone she disapproved of, again because he didn't want to deal with her. And he lied about their financial situation, same reason. She left. Now he doesn't need to deal with her.

I think she doesn't understand what you look at when you see porn...

I bet you're thinking ooo she'd look hot in that position or she'd look good in that lingerie.

You're a guy. You are and always will be programed with a slight wandering eye. This doesn't mean you want to go seek out strippers and leave her for them.

I'd say explain what you look at and you look at porn. And how you feel about her. Honestly, I know my fiancé looks at porn. There's still a personal issues with it though. I think she over reacted.