I really do not know what is wrong with me.
I can not remember the last time I was truly happy. I have all these negative thoughts the whole day. If I am not crying, I am angry with the world.
I know I have a low self esteem, but surely this can not be the root of all my problems.
Depression runs in the family, so from an early age I tried to keep a watchfull eye out for it. I have been taking some light medication, as some days I will crying so much, that it seems that I can not catch my breath.
I met a guy about 2 years ago & I think that is where my "problem" start. But now I am not even sure if he is the problem or if this is my sick mind using him as an excuse.
We moved in together almost immediately. He bought a house & I decided to move out of my flat. I can remember thinking that I am not very comfortable with the move, but I was so sure that we will last for ever.
We had the most wonderful times together. I never had a boyfriend who spoiled me that much...
But there was always something wrong. I sometimes felt that he is breaking down my selfesteem. There was never anything specific. There is nothing that I can mention here that ever were hardcore facts.
After about a 6 month stay together, I moved out. Everything changed. All though we were dating on & off, things were never the same. I think it is a case of me not wanting what I have & then wanting it back after I lost it. But surely the six sense must mean something.
It is now almost a year later & I have lost count of how many times we have made up & broken up again.
Now I am even more pathetic than ever. I started checking his cellphone, something I have never done with anyone. I do not believe anything he says. I do not know why... but I am sure that he must be hiding something, shouldn't he?
I do not even know if I still love him or if I just to scared to be alone. I then start to think that one of these days I will be 30 (although I am only 26) & have not achieved anything in my life. I have my own car & a well paying job, but so what? I do extra work over weekends to get petrol money to go to my job during the week. & that is it!
Because I work so much, I lost contact with all my friends. My best friend is my sister, who now decided to move to a town about 1000 km away. I am left with nothing...
I have convinced myself that I will end up being a single mother, who will have to use artificial insemination to get pregnant. I will also have to use doner sperm & eggs, as I do not want to my children to get my fat , bad skin, skew teeth or "mental health".
But then if I can not control myself, how will I be ever able to rise a child. I will not even have a house for it.
Oh, What have I become? I was never like this, was I? Is this the reason that I have been single for such a long time? Somewhere far back in my mind, I remember happier, less confused times, I think...
