Ask Me Help Desk - How can he be so mellow?

I fell in love with an amazing man who is absolutely amazing. It makes me smile to think about him. I have never met a man who doesn't get angry. I grew up in a family where my father was always flying off the handle, screaming... hitting us when we were kids. My mother wasn't really around all that much. So we were kind of left with the nutcase. So as you can imagine I might find it odd to find a man who doesn't get angry. I've seen him slightly upset but that's more annoyance, that's never been pointed at me. He's far to mellow. I other hand am always keyed up about something. I'm not the nicest individual in public. I don't like putting up with people playing with me, messing with me. Sometimes I feel like he's doing just that. I don't get how he can remain so calm all the time even when people provoke him.

I love being with him. I have never considered myself truly beautiful and he makes me feel just that. He makes me feel smart and sexy and like a real person. I have enough self confidence of my own that I don't need him bringing me up but it feels so good. He feels so good in my life. A few weeks ago he left town. He won't be coming back and our goodbye was not a good one. Me not really into long distance relationships and all.

Before I met him I had plans to move to the town he just went to. I am a little uncomfortable with the prospect of seeing him again. I'm am very sure we will and I don't know how to feel about see him. I know I didn't give much info. On our relationship but I'd hate like h@$$ to end up like my mother with an abusive man. What is up with his lack of anger? You think I'm being too careful because of my background, or do you think he could be like daddy'o?

Is it possible you have too much of your father in you? Is it possible that you could be the abusive one in a relationship?

People who don't have issues have no reason to get so angry frequently. Maybe he's a happy go lucky guy. Maybe he finds that there are other solutions to problems aside from anger.

Yes, 1000's of men never raise their voice, they may get angry but they prefer to talk it out or just forgive because they love the other person.

It appears you may have had a really good one but because of your own anger issues you can't relate to this.

Oh my that kind of hurt, no he hasn't seen me angry he's seen me sad and hurting and excitedly keyed up about stuff. I may be like my father but I am not what I would call mean. I would never hurt someone intentionally. I would rather end my life than scar somebody else's.

I guess with him I'm a little bit more worried about him getting into drugs. He talks about drugs keeping me cool and leveling me out. And I think they are appalling. I don't want drugs or alcohol to affect our relationship. I have enough problems without creating more. I'm worried a little a bit because I may seem like a niave 'girl' and I don't feel like I am. I can't take much more hurt in my life. You can't imagine the amount of times I've thought I was like my father but I would never beat anyone. I would never scream at someone until there heart was on the floor their life was hanging on by a single strand. I would never call someone terrible, horrendous names until they had no self confidence and had to climb back from that. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt him. I just don't want to get hurt...

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunshineangel

He won't be coming back and our goodbye was not a good one.

I based my answer on this sentence. You did not elaborate, but only gave us the opportunity to speculate.

Sorry, I'm kind of multitasking, and I really do have feelings for him, so I wanted to get someone's thoughts on this. I guess what I meant by that is he moved because he had a job change. He won't be coming back because all his family is there and that's where he's originally from it's his home.

Our goodbye was not a good one because neither or us really said anything. We kind of looked at each other for a long moment with a sad look and then sort of went our separate ways down the hall. He kept saying the entire time he was with me he was never going to hurt me. I think that was the initial thought line that it would only hurt more for me if we went into some form of a long term relationship. I don't think he even knew that I was going to be moving down there.

My questioning comes in because of my background and the statements he's made about drugs. I sort of thought someone might infer that, but you can't get inside my head so I'm going to have to be a little bit more clear. He's two to three times the size of me and he likes to touch. I have never been offended by it as of yet. Which meets in with my background because one of my family members was raped. I was present during that time and I guess the whole area of relationships is kind of messed up for me. I mistrust him because I don't understand how a man can be so kind and so calm and not have a 'mean streak'. I don't know whether I should search him out once I get there because I fear he will get mad at me or that I will get into a relationship with him and he will in some way physically or mentally abuse me. I guess I'm at a crossroads how do I know? How do I protect myself, and still allow myself to potentially have a very fulfulling relationship? I don't want to completely push him away because I've become a 'scardy cat'.

If your broken up, why are you tripping about him now? Because your going where he is? Do you still have contact??

Your thinking way too much, and seem to be projecting your own feelings on him.

I really think you don't know him well enough to be worried about him, but need to take care of your own issues, one being making things more of an issue than it is.

You left him rigth?
You don't like L.D.R

So why are you botherd if he does get angry or not angry?

He sounded like a cool guy.

Okay never mind I'll work things out. In my mind I sort of already did since I care about him, I will go see him.
But...
Talaniman where in the world did we broke up come in. I never said anything about us being broken up. If you had been through what I've been through and were making as large or a futuristic move as I am than you could probably see why I asked my original question. I'm not overanalyzing I'm just not going to end up like the fifty or so percent of women who end up marrying someone like their father.

And Truefaith I didn't leave him and I didn't even know what a LDR was until I looked it up aka long distance relationship. No I never told him that, I believe he just assumed it. He didn't like the idea of us being apart and not getting back together again literally because we were so far away. It bothers me that he doesn't get angry because that's unbelievable to me. People accuse him of things and he doesn't really react. It's not completely natural. He sounds like a cool guy because he is, maybe too cool for me.