I've been married for almost 8 years, for almost 2 I've been feeling very differntly about my husband. I don't want to have sex with him, I no longer feel attracted to him, I don't seem to care if he comes or goes. I feel like he's a great friend and a great person, but nothing more.

The bad thing is he is a wonderful husband and father and he is very much in love with me. He's honest and caring, he's the best husband I could've hoped for. I have no complaints about him and nothing negative to say. He's an awesome person.

I look back and try to figure out why I've had this change. I met him right after the breakup of a very hurtful and long relationship. I was definitely on the rebound and still in love with my ex when I started a relationship with my now husbank, he was so different and so good that I think I jumped into things too quickly, we moved in together a few months after meeting, about 3 months. Later we got engaged and soon got married, we then quickly had our first child. Now I feel like I'm waking up from the whirlwind, I'm looking back at how rashly I made a lot of those decisions.

In regards to other men, I find myself being attraced and sometimes fantasizing about being with someone that I do have that passion for. I am happy with myself, I'm a confident person. I'm not looking for happiness in someone else, but I would like to be in love with the man I'm with.

Is marriage counseling something that can possibly help or change the feeling of not really loving someone anymore? Are we always supposed to be in love with our spouse?

Hi Angie. You did jump into this rebound relationship very quickly, and if you are willing to be honest with yourself, you really didn't just wake up in a whirlwind. You were looking for someone to take care of you, love you, treat you with respect, and he did! You didn't stop to think about the long term aspects of the "marriage".

There are so many people that just give up because they think they have "fallen out of love". It's hard work to feel the feelings that you would like to feel, and especially when the whole relationship moved so fast from the beginning. The whole excitement part of the relationship fades away sometimes, but love and respect remain. That doesn't mean the spark can't be ignited again.

You have a child involved, and I think you owe it to your children to exhaust every possibility to try and work things out so that you can get that excitement back, and stay intact for your family.

Counselling would be a good place to start. I don't know what else the two of you have done to keep your relationship alive, but there are things you can do. Everyday life tends to get mundane and boring, and you may have just lost your connection with him. I don't think it's a lost cause to get that back. You might just need a push start to get things moving again!

There are few quality men to pick from out there. It sounds like you have a keeper, so I would do whatever you have to, to make both yourself and him happy.

Good luck to you!

I personally think marital counceling can help you regain the passion you've lost or are missing. Also, taking time to get to know him, spending time with him on date nights can help. You really have to work at it, but it is worth it.
You may have been on the rebound, but you married him for a reason. Your job now is to remind yourself of those reasons. I've even heard of making yourself write down 1-2 positive things about him everyday.
Speaking from a woman's perspective, not wanting to be with him could be related to hormones, even if you're thinking of other people. Also, if he's not treating you the way you want to be treated that can damage your attraction to him as well.
Consider counceling first.

Counseling would be a great place to start. As a recent divorcée, let me tell you Divorce is the worst thing I have EVER been through and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. My ex and I are now looking at the possibility of rebuilding our marriage. Sharing a child with someone else is terrible. I filed and left for the same reasons. But I think it is even harder since I and you don't 'hate' the person.
Marriage is hard work. The glory fades and we look for something more. Something to feed our drive. But that is not the answer. Please go see the movie FIREPROOF with Kirk Cameron. It puts it all in perspective. Marriage isn't to just walk away from. There was something there that made you go through with it and stay as long as you have. You need to find those feelings you once had. Don't put yourself, your child, and the friend you call your husband through this unless you have tried EVERY possible avenue. I have decided death is the only correlation I can make to a divorce. Don't give up yet!

--If you don't go see the movie, go to Welcome To FireProofMyMarriage.com.

Im not associated anyway with the success of this movie. But now as a single mom who is living with regrets when I thought I was just following my heart to make myself happy. Following your heart isn't always the best. Your heart can be deceived. Dig deep and look at what is in your life that really makes you happy.

Best Wishes!

I would definitely recommend the book, The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands. Dr. Laura can be a bit antagonistic on the radio, but her book actually has a lot of great advice.

I think we have to make a choice to love our spouse everyday. If you are constantly looking for good in another person it will overshadow the bad.

It's so easy to get caught up in all the day to day stresses. ANd with your whirlwind courtship, it's understandable that now that things have settled down, you're going to have doubts. It's completely normal to be attracted to other people. And as long as they stay passing (and private) fantasies, I think that's healthy.

Since you have a child together, don't jump into or out of anything quickly. There's no rush to making decisions of this kind. Definitely try her book. It's really kind of life changing.

Since we are on the subject of good books to read here, I would also suggest Dr. Phil's "Relationship Rescue" and/or "Family Matters".

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Originally Posted by angie30

I've been married for almost 8 years, for almost 2 I've been feeling very differntly about my husband. I don't want to have sex with him, I no longer feel attracted to him, I don't seem to care if he comes or goes. I feel like he's a great friend and a great person, but nothing more.

The bad thing is he is a wonderful husband and father and he is very much in love with me. He's honest and caring, he's the best husband I could've hoped for. I have no complaints about him and nothing negative to say. He's an awesome person.

I look back and try to figure out why I've had this change. I met him right after the breakup of a very hurtful and long relationship. I was definitely on the rebound and still in love with my ex when I started a relationship with my now husbank, he was so different and so good that I think I jumped into things too quickly, we moved in together a few months after meeting, about 3 mos. later we got engaged and soon got married, we then quickly had our first child. Now I feel like I'm waking up from the whirlwind, I'm looking back at how rashly I made a lot of those decisions.

In regards to other men, I find myself being attraced and sometimes fantasizing about being with someone that I do have that passion for. I am happy with myself, I'm a confident person. I'm not looking for happiness in someone else, but I would like to be in love with the man I'm with.

Is marriage counseling something that can possibly help or change the feeling of not really loving someone anymore? Are we always supposed to be in love with our spouse?

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A 6 to 8 year whirlwind?

In the immortal words of France's first lady:

“Love lasts a long time, but burning desire — two to three weeks.”

Just kidding :)

Speaking of books, check out Gary Chapman's "The five love languages."









g&p

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Originally Posted by inthebox

Speaking of books, check out Gary Chapman's "The five love languages."

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I second that... That's a very good one, especially if both spouses are willing to try it.

Marriage is WORK.

People forget that in the Hollywood recreations of marriage, and the Disney renditions of love.

Love is WORK. Infatuation isn't. Marriage is WORK. Playing at marriage isn't. Parenting is WORK. Giving birth (comparatively!) isn't.

FIND things to love about your husband. Imagine what things would be like without him! Notice the little things he does for you, and be grateful for them. Make time for dates. And above all else---COMMUNICATE! You need to be able to talk to your husband to make a marriage work, and NO relationship between two people (intimate or not!) works without communication. Talk to him, listen to him, dream with him.

Passion is so fleeting at times, and for most women their sex drive is related to their emotions. I will bet that you and your husband used to tease and joke and flirt all the time, but since you've got a kid, it's harder to do for you now. MAKE the time.

I agree with the others but want to add love is not a feeling it is a commitment + work. You can't be committed if you are relying on the romantic love feelings. You need to find ways to put the spark and interest back in your relationship. Work at getting out of the rut.
Do some spontaneous things like plan a last minute romantic dinner that would surprise him and things like that. Read up on relationship books. Think of him in terms more than words like 'my husband' think of him as the person you care about and his feelings, etc...